Relating, Retelling, Reviving

Half-way done!

2012-01-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm already five months pregnant. Hit the 20 week mark yesterday. We are so excited for our baby bird, Eden. Things are going really well with my fiance and I, which makes me feel so lucky. I hear about a lot of problems in relationships during pregnancy, and the board I like to post on, babyandbump has featured one to many marriages and relationships ending to make anyone feel safe in theirs. We had a few rocky months, November and the beginning of December were rough, but we went through a lot of changes, did some growing and came out the other side better people. I am happy the holidays are over and things are feeling normal, comfortable and strong.

Aside from being wonderfully pregnant, I graduated from college in December(woo-hoo!) and started my masters program in January. (whimper) I am resolute on finishing my degree before Eden is one, which will be a huge accomplishment. My friend who has been in college about 5 years longer than me is finally going to be done the same time I am, and I just started! I go to Chapman, so all my classes are the 8 week session style, making them very challenging but over fast. I keep telling myself I can do anything for 8 weeks and not die. (I repeat this mantra probably far to often.) Overall, I am pretty pleased with how quickly schooling can get done when you really dump your all into it.

I also started a second job last august, so I work 7 days a week (that's right, not one day off) and go to school full time as well. Needless to say I am beyond busy. I would love to be better about updating this, but as it is I believe I am on week 14 of my pregnancy fill-it-out books (oops) and my cup runneth over. I hope everyone is doing fantastic, from time to time I read your guys' blogs, you know, when I should be doing homework. Maybe once I quit the second job in March (ugh only 5 more weeks!!!) I will have a bit more time. :)

Much love,
K

I'm gonna be a MOMMMMMMY!

2011-11-13T14:15:00.001-08:00

Can I tell you how nice it feels to say that word without the step in front of it? I am 10 weeks along today, already 1/4 done! It's going by very quickly! I found out when I was only a bit past 3 weeks. I couldn't be more excited. More to come, but I just had to finally take the 2 seconds to write it!!

4 years ago today

2011-09-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

Flipping back through my blog I read a post I had written 4 years ago, September of 2007. The sadness and struggle I went through trying to "fix" a severely broken family just overwhelms me at times. It's been a year and a half since I've seen or spoken to C's son. He turned 13 this year. It's been about a month since I've spoken to his daughters, who are 11 and (turning) 8. I saw them a while back...but sometimes it just hurts too much. Knowing I can't change or fix them, or their shattered lives makes it difficult to think of them, and although 11K and I text from time to time I can't focus much on them without the accompanying pain.

Also, I spent a while going through others blogs and it's weird to see almost all of them have turned into ex-step-mom blogs too. It certainly was a weird transition. No one tells you how to grieve for a family you lost, but never really had.

I am happily almost done with school, working a couple jobs and my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby. :) Now that's going to be exciting. As much as he wants to get married I have a very difficult time with the idea of marriage, so we will see about that. I am perfectly happy with a "partner for life" and someone who respects me and treats me well. Also, he doesn't have any kids. I made that a rule when I re-entered the dating world, and it was a hard one to follow. I was seeing a great guy for a while, but refused to commit because he has a (absolutely beautiful)2 year old little girl. I just kept telling myself I didn't want to wind up in a position where I had to lose a little one again like C's youngest daughter. I won't do it again. So I am so happy to have met someone who wants their own family and is anxious to have one with ME! :)

So I'm currently learning the lingo of preggers forums instead of step-mom forums...I'm excited for this journey into motherhood, and can't wait to have a little one that's all my own. I told my boyfriend too, that if things don't work out between us for whatever reason (ahhh Pessimist at heart) that I have seen how nasty divorces can be and we will be LUCKY to not deal with them. He didn't see this as *quite* the logical reasoning I did, but accepted it none the less.

This is month 2 of TTC, J (the boyfriend) REALLLLY wants a little girl. He wants a little princess. It was funny because for a long time all I wanted was a girl, and after being a nanny to so many boys, and having so many boys in the classroom's I've been in snag my heart strings, I was convinced I wanted a boy first. But now, I am thinking a girl would be pretty amazing too. :) We agreed that all we really want in the end is a healthy baby. My studies focus on autism, and the thought of having an autistic child just scares me to death. (Another reason I am hoping for a girl now too lol) I have my own disorders and so does J, we both have suffered from mild-moderate depression in the past, I have mild OCD that focuses mainly around food, (fears of food being contaminated, getting sick, obsessions about what I've eaten, compulsions to eat certain things at certain times) and a mild form of Trichotillomania, which has been really bad lately, probably due to stress. I luckily do not pull hair on my head. It started when I was young with the twisting and pulling of my eyebrows to relieve stress when studying or doing other things, it was very absent-minded. Then when I started puberty I began plucking leg hairs, and bikini line hairs. Eventually I stopped pulling my eyebrows but I will spend hours and hours in the bathroom methodically plucking my legs or bikini area. I am just so thankful I don't pull hair on my head, I feel so bad for those who do. I am fearful that I will pass on my oddities. I know I can hide a lot of this, just by simply calling myself 'picky' and a 'very mindful eater' as well as 'kind of vain' I 'need my beauty time'. I do masks on my face and waxing other parts as well to offset the time I spend in the bathroom. I will make every effort to speak to my child about depression and what it looks like since this is something that was passed onto me, but never spoken about in my house.

Ahhh it feels good to get all that off my chest. I am so excited to be onto bigger and better things, and I hope some of you ladies are still out there in blogger-land with me. :)

Always,
K

Proceed with Caution

2010-05-05T02:22:00.000-07:00

So I know it's been a long time since I've written on here, but that's because I have a real live physical diary now that I write in just about every night. It's the first time I've had one in forever. Mostly, because I knew if C ever found such things I would be monumentally screwed. So life is going really well...My restraining order went thru, they gave me 3 years which I guess was kind of a big deal. I hear that 98% of the time they only give 1 year. So that's done. The same week I filed for divorce. He has 2 more days to put in a response but seeing as he is moving out of our old house over the next few days I doubt he is going to be doing that. I downloaded the judgment packet to complete, ugh, I never knew there was SO much paperwork for divorce. No wonder people hire lawyers...just so they don't have to deal with the paperwork. Best part of the last month is I met someone...Wasn't looking for it, by any means, but I guess that's when they stumble into your life, right? He has a similar background, married to someone with kids, no kids together, divorced...his reasons were much much different, but still things I can relate to. He cooks, he's gorgeous, he's half Italian like me, comes from a great family...we are taking things really slow so I like that too. Other than that my life has mostly consisted of going out with friends, shopping, and basically healing. I am in a really good place. :)

Restraining Orders

2010-03-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

So, I guess it's a good thing I learned how to do court paperwork while filing for child support back with C. I filed divorce and a restraining order last week. Well, C broke the order on Friday by calling and leaving a message on my phone. I decided to give him a warning, so I called his parents, let them know there was a restraining order and that next time I will be calling the cops. Fair warning right? Well, he was served last night, and today he thought it would be a good idea to COME TO MY HOUSE and drop off a 20 page letter detailing our entire relationship (excluding the physical abuse) and how he will "take me back, no questions asked" when I'm done screwing all of California. It also had the phone number for our "new marriage counselor" and...AND he wrote in plain black and white that when my parents house got robbed three years ago, it was him who did it. I hit a breaking point. I called the cops, filed a report and now he is going to jail. I don't know for how long, I'm going to call tomorrow and find out some more information. Until then...I don't think I'll be sleeping to well knowing he may get out and knows where I am. That is so scary to me. *sigh* I can't believe any of this is real. It's so hard...

Penguins

2010-03-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

I went out last night with a friend of mine, and we were driving past sea world. I commented on how much I love sea world and how I can spend all day in the penguin enclosure and he said, Ew, penguins smell. I literally almost started bawling. One of my best memories of C and I is sitting in the penguin enclosure with me gushing over every damn penguin in there. It is one of the few fully happy memories that didn't end with a fight. I have so many half memories. Where we had a wonderful time then as soon as we got home the world exploded. I always felt sad thinking of those memories. I got through the moment though, and went on to have a lovely evening. :) I feel that I will always have pangs of memories, and most won't send me to tears, and all will fade with time, getting less and less painful. I am moving forward very successfully though! I am getting a car next week, a huge hurdle for me. One of C's greatest control techniques was making sure I never had my own car since right before we were married. There was always some excuse or reason why I didn't need one, but I see that now it was a mean of making me helpless, dependent. I also have put my resume out to find a full time job, AND I found my own place. These might seem minor to someone, but to me, it's something I almost believe I would never be able to do. :)

As my world readjusts

2010-03-26T01:45:00.000-07:00

So I know it's been a good 10 months since I have written on here. And I miss it. I was glad to come back and see most are doing well. The world of step families is a pretty crazy one. There are many things I left out over my periods of writing, and perhaps here and now is the time to share them with you all. C was an abusive husband. Not just verbally, but also physically. I hoped for so sooo long that something would change him, but nothing ever did. It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved him, it could not change the essence of his being. As far as I know, the kids are alright, due to restraining orders/threats I have not seen them in almost a month. I miss them so much. Some relationships are doomed from the very start, and I feel ours was one of them. I chose to write today because today was the day I filed my divorce papers. It was very bittersweet. I'm so glad to finally be free of the abuse and get on with my life, seeing as I'm only 25, but I feel it is part of my duty as a human being, a survivor, a previous step mother and a woman to talk about this. I think the very hardest part was those first steps out the door. I've heard for so long that I could never make it on my own, that I almost believed it. I also struggle with the stigma that abuse survivors deal with. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't deal with it and couldn't move forward with anything. It was like being stuck in cement, no matter which way I tried to turn, there felt like there was no escape. I feel that women who stay in relationships are broken in their own right, just as I was. They become so buried in emotions that reality and fact are like a mist, surreal and ethereal. I was/am so in love with C that I refused for a very long time to admit how broken our relationship was. Looking back it seems so clear but at the time I can assure you it was not. I struggled with wanting to leave Coy since last summer, but I am a stubborn person and on some bad advice tried to make things work between us. Just like always it got better for a few months, then went right back down the tubes. I was finally able to admit to myself that the relationship I was in was in no way, shape, or form, healthy for me. Perhaps it was the longing for peace that finally led me to leave. And it is wonderful. :) My only hope is that instead of the pity that most feel towards women who stayed in abusive relationships will abate, and instead hope and joy can be found in the strength it took them to leave. I am so proud of myself, and I want everyone to be happy I made it out before he did me in. I am enjoying many things I wasn't allowed to have/do before, like go out with my friends, have private phone conversations, go clothes shopping and have time to myself.

I think when you take the step, and file paperwork for divorce, no matter how rough or awful a marriage was there is a sadness and even mourning in it. I loved him. With all my heart and soul. I wouldn't have stood for any of the things I did if I hadn't. I am glad to say I am not easily broken and even after 3 years of detrimental physical and verbal abuse my spirit never broke. It saddens my heart to know that his life has lost meaning and from what I hear he is sinking into a pit of despair from which he may never emerge. But, that is his choice not mine. To finally sit down and say, "No, there is no hope of reconciliation-I'm done", was hard to do, but also necessary. I do miss the little things that came with someone knowing you well, and we had many, many good times together that I will always cherish. I think the most important first step was forgiveness. I will never say it was okay what he did, but I can freely forgive him because this lightens my soul. The resentment and hatred that builds from being in a relationship like that is easy to hold on to. I've seen it many times with ex-wives. I refuse. I am determined to be happy, but right now I am very focused on my own healing. I have lots of plans for my future and for a while that means being alone which isn't easy after being with the same person, my best friend, day in and day out for the last 3 years. Those moments when you forget and pick up the phone to call can be very devastating. They have faded with time, but that is a loss that I feel will make my heart heavy for a bit longer. I am determined to never be in a relationship pattern like that again. The word relationship actually makes me want to go running for the hills right now. C is/was convinced that I left him for another man, but I guess it's easier to make oneself believe a self-preserving lie than have to admit that someone left them because of who they are inside. I hope in time he sees where his choices have led him and makes change on his own, for his sake. Well it's 2 am and I just needed to get all that off my chest so I can sleep.

It's good to be home. :)

-K

C and I work it out/ Court

2009-05-05T22:33:00.001-07:00

C has called 10K out to war and pushed our marriage safely back from the front lines where it has previously lain. I think he finally got it. Since my last post C has not let one disrespectful comment pass 10K's lips without an immediate talking to and apology to me. He contacted the doctor and he has an appointment in 2 weeks to get put on medication. He is going to be in summer school from 8-11 and C has given me full permission to shove him out the front door and tell him to go play till dinner. I also am getting my own 'space' in our new house we move into tomorrow. I get a large section of our master bedroom for a chaise lounge, bookshelves and an antique roll top desk for my scrap booking. At any time they become to much, I can go in my room, lock my door, and be in a sanctuary until I can gain control again. It's been a stressful move, but having 10K be more respectful has been a very nice breath of fresh air.

Also, C and I went to court yesterday to hash out this stupid child support issue. The mediator was fantastic, and I hope we see him on the 26th. Yesterday was the date for C's support case against her for 10K. They sat down with the mediator, and I sat close by in the waiting area. It was hilarious. She kept saying, I don't understand why I have to pay 555 and he only has to pay 233! and the mediator explained (more than once) it's because C has more kids, more often and makes less than she does. She then actually asked if the 555 was negotiable. lol...he said no. She brought up her case about getting us to pay half of the girls after school care, which she pays way to much for. C brought up that we have offered to help her find care for the girls that would be much cheaper, but she's refused. She says to the mediator, "Well, I want them in ESS." to which he replies, "Oh, you have full 100% legal custody?" she says, "No, we have 50/50" and then he says, "Oh, well then C has a say as to who watches the girls too, and it's not just your decision."
It was funny. It reminded me of another ex I've read about, how she has this idea that, well, I think it should be this way, and because I want it, make it so, immediately. I guess she just didn't get that just because she 'thinks' (that's pushing the definition of the word) she should get tons of money and owe us nothing doesn't mean that is what is true, actual, or has anything to do with the real world. Ring Ring, Earth calling Crazy...

The Twitching Continues

2009-04-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've tried to talk to C, and I'm getting no where. Night before last I approched him, and in my most sweet and timid voice asked him about this summer and what we are going to do. I said, "If I can't handle him this summer (remember I'm supposed to watch all 3 Demons all summer since I was vollen-told) what are we going to do?" His response? Nothing. He wouldn't even talk to me. I waited patiently for about 20 minutes then phrased the question again. C blew up at me, telling me he wants a divorce because I can't handle 10K and he's going to choose him over me. So we haven't spoken till today, and now he's acting like nothing ever happened. Apparently I'm still watching 10K this summer. Apparently I'm still married. Ugh. I think we've hit the breaking point...it's forward or out from here on...Wish me luck

Attitude and Back Talk

2009-04-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

The two things on this God blessed green earth that I can't stand. And what does 10K give me? Almost nothin but attitude, and back talk. I was (unhappily, unwillingly, etc.) forced to watch 10K over his spring break because it was mine as well. I was bitter, but tried to make the best of it. C knows I can't stand to be stuck at home all day with him since he gives me nothing but grief, but there was no alternative so I grudgingly listened, suffered, put up with, all the whining, crying fits about how I was packing and couldn't entertain him every second of the whole day. So I decide to go out on a limb. As I've mentioned before, just about any trip involving just 10K and I turns into a nightmare from which I swear up and down I'm never taking him anywhere ever ever again. (To myself of course) So on Wednesday, after 2 days of packing and dealing with the whining and crying I decided we were going to go out. So, we went downtown and went to Ikea, where he begged to get lunch so I said sure and took him out to lunch, then he wanted to go to sports authority, so I let him. When we were all done we had to go pick up the girls from their school. On the drive there 10K asks if he can stay in the car while I go in and get the girls. Now that is usually not an issue since I'm usually just running into ESS (after-school care) and grabbing them, but today I was actually going into the school and needed to speak with their teachers so I told 10K I didn't feel comfortable leaving him in the car unsupervised that long and I wanted him to come in with me. His exact works, "I'm not going in, and you can't make me!" Now if there is one thing in the world, be it spoken from woman, child or man, that I can't stand, it is those 4 words. You. Can't. Make. Me. Oh you wanna bet mister? I may be small. But I am tougher than nails. So I calmly tell him he is coming on his own volition or he will be dragged. This is where the screaming and crying start. I don't have a clue what all this is about! So I ask him. Apparently he feels that he is going to be literally, MOBBED by people wanting to talk to him. I tried to explain that no one really cares, and it doesn't matter but he wouldn't budge. We started screaming, trying to see who would win this power struggle. I was beginning to think this was utterly the silliest thing ever so I shook my head and laughed quietly to myself which sparked an outrage in 10K. The words out of his mouth? "SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Before I could even think I reached back from the front seat (oh he is lucky I'm little) and swung. I grazed his cheek with my fingertips which prompted more screaming of "DON'T HIT ME!" To which I said, "I didn't hit you, but I swear if you ever tell me to shut up again..." To which he screamed, "THEN DON'T HIT ME!" Note: We are in the school parking lot. I take a deep breath, open the car door, get out and shut it. Luckily all the cars around us were empty or I would have been so mortified... I went and sat in front of 5K's classroom. I'm half an hour early. I cried and texted C and told him I'm done. I can't handle this child any more. I can't deal with the abuse he puts out, or what he makes me want to do. I almost slapped him! I told C he needs to find someone else to watch the boy, because I am DONE. I explained what happened to C and his only response was, "Why didn't you just let him stay in car?" Not, "Honey, that's an awful situation. I'll talk to him as soon as I get home!" Nothing. So I get the girls, and get back in the car. We get to my parents house because I had to get some stuff, and I tell the girls to get out. I turn around and said to 10K, "Look, I'm sorry I called you a brat, and yelled at you, and everything else. That was disrespectful of me. I need you to treat me with respect, just like I should treat you with respect. So, I'm sorry for being disrespectful." I then informed him he could wait in the car while we all went inside my parents house. After, I drove them over to C's parents because Wednesday nights we have dinner with them. I told C's mom that 10K was grounded and needed to stay in the guest room the whole evening until church. I went to pick up C from work. It was silent for a while. I finally broke the stillness with, "I'm so sorry C, I just don't know what to do any more." And he asked what he should do, and I said I didn't care, ship him off to boot camp, ship him off to military school, just do something! And C says, oh great, you're just another person in his life that doesn't want him around. To which I replied, Well, maybe it's not us, maybe it's 10K... The conversation stopped there. C didn't say a word to 10K about his behavior. C has some deluded sense that Me, his ex-wife, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, and everyone else that comes into contact with 10K are wrong. We tell him what we see. A troubled child, a broken heart, unrequited anger, potential violence...but it all falls on deaf ears.

Quote of the day: From Lucky Number Slevin. The Rabbi says,
"The first time someone calls you a horse you punch him on the nose, the second time someone calls you a horse you call him a jerk but the third time someone calls you a horse, well then perhaps it's time to go shopping for a saddle."

Catch my drift?

Follow Through

2009-04-08T15:24:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your comments,
I, unfortunately, can not be the one to take the skateboard. It was C who gave this rule life, and it is he who must enforce it. If he doesn't want to follow through, like the countless times before, that's his choice. That's how he is deciding to raise his son. I can hoot and holler and fight with my husband all day long over 10K and what C should and shouldn't do, but in the end what am I doing besides causing myself grief? I've told C a million times that by not following through on what he says he is giving 10K the absolute irrevocable answer of, "What you do does not matter to me and I will not punish you. Also, please never believe me again."

This is the fine line between being a step-mom and being a mom. As a mom I would most certainly have taken it upon myself to enforce whatever C says. As a step-mom, that would be overstepping my crudely drawn line in the sand. And as irritating, annoying, frustrating and twitch-inducing it can be, there will always be that line with 10K. I don't really know if C and I will ever be on the same page with him. I'm strict, C is more lenient. I don't harbor years of guilt for screwing up the first 8 years of 10K's life, C does. I feel like when we have our own child it will be fresh and we can compromise easier because it won't be an attack every time I say something about my child. I can say I don't like how our child behaved today and I'm going to ground him and C will probably just shrug and say whatever. Instead of taking it as personal attack on him. I also feel that discipline will be easier with our own child because there won't be that tremendous guilt in the way. I think we will still butt heads over his leniency and my nazi-esque strictness, but all parents butt heads now and then. Countdown till we start trying to get pregnant: 21 weeks. That's 147 days. That's so not soon enough. :)

Lying. When is it ever Not about lying?

2009-04-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago we had this huuuge issue with lying. I mean, a blow-out to end all blow-outs. I'm looking back and for some reason am seeing nada on it...I could have sworn I wrote about it, but anyways I will now if I have not done so!

It was a Tuesday. I'm on my way home from work, and my phone rings. It's 10K's teacher. (oooh gooody.) She informs me that she is getting more and more worried about 10K moving on to middle school. (yep, join the club) She tells me that 10K did not turn in a homework assignment that was do that morning, so he got a recess detention. After recess detention, he strolls into the room with his detention sheet. Teacher looks at it and says to 10K, "This is not Mrs. Detention Lady's signature, 10K." "Yes it is." he responds. "No, it most certainly is not, and I'm going to call Mrs. DL in here right now." "Fine. Go ahead. It's her signature." he nonchalantly replied. (That's what freaked her out the most, how little he seemed to care.) So Teacher calls in Mrs. DL and says, "Mrs. DL, is this your signature?" "Why, No, Teacher, it is certainly not. In fact, you see this erasing here? I had written that 10K did not complete his detention because he did not follow the rules, and needed another detention." What does 10K say? "THATS NOT TRUE! You said I didn't have to come back!" They both looked at him like any one would look at a delusional person. I've figured out his game. If he can pit the adults against each other like he was trying to do here, the focus is no longer on him. Needless to say, it didn't work this time. He received 2 detentions for lying. I think he should have been suspended, personally. I'm all for hard punishments. So now I'm speechless on the phone with his poor teacher. I don't know what to say except, Oh, He'll be sorry. Yessiree... I hang up and go into the house. I sat in the car for the conversation because I didn't want him listening in. I casually ask him if there is anything he has to say about his teacher just calling me. "Nope." he says. I ask if there is anything he wants to tell me about what happened today. He get's this confused look like, what could I have possibly done that she wants to hear about? "Noooo...nothing happened today." I think I turned 2 shades darker than maroon. "Get. In. Your. Room. We will talk about this later." I call C. I tell him whats happened. I say 10K should be grounded for life. At least a week. C has never grounded him for more than a day before. I'm pacing until C gets home. I call my mom. I don't know what to do with this child for whom lying is like breathing. She agrees. Life sentance. C gets home, and I demand he be punished more than a day. I won't be able to control my anger if he gets away with this. We agree on a week. I say he shouldn't be able to go to his camp that weekend even if it was all paid for. He says we will talk about that. We sit down with 10K. He glares at us. We tell him what the teacher said, and what does he do? He tries to deny it! C jumps all over that and tells 10K he's grounded. Done. He then tells him that if he lies again, his skateboard, his most precious belonging in the whole world, will be donated to the Good Will. Another child will benefit from him lying. His allowance is suspended and he has lost all trust. I'm proud. My husband finally stood up to the 10 year old. The next few days are hard, and every day C and I bicker more and more. C wants to let him off for good behavior! What?!?!?! Letting a child off being grounded before the sentence is served is just as bad as no punishment at all! We argued over camp that weekend. C's parents had paid for it, and they would not get their money back. It was also a church camp and hopefully it might do some good in his heart, so we finally decided to let him go. The Monday after camp he is supposed to be grounded. C and I get in an all out fight over it! Dude, just ONE MORE DAY. Tuesday I'm so over it. C lets 10K come out of his room, but he can't go play. Whatever. We were happy it was over, C and I stopped arguing.

Fastforward to last night. I'm doing laundry and C comes up to help me. 10K calls and says, "I finished my dinner, can I have some little sausages now?" C says sure. We get home, and there is a yogurt covered spoon in the sink, sausages on the counter and I ask 10K if he ate one of my yogurts, the ones I save for school. "No." Well, I just did dishes before I left to do laundry, and the sink was empty but now there is a yogurt covered spoon in the sink, and seeing as you were the only one in the house while Dad and I did laundry, I'm just going to have to go out on a limb here and say, Yes, you did eat it. "NO I DIDN'T!" What does C say? Maybe it was your brother this morning K. What? Did no one hear what I just said? I left, to do laundry, with 0 dishes in the sink. Now there is 1 spoon in the sink. 0+1=1 last time I checked, and unless my brother swung by, threw a spoon in the sink from the window, I don't see how it could have been my brother this morning. At this point I pull out the trash can to further prove my point. Not only is there a half eaten yogurt cup, there is 10K's untouched dinner in there. I tell C that 10K threw away his dinner and C says to 10K, "You told me you finished dinner!" What does he say? "No I didn't!" C says, Yes you did. You called me, told me you finished dinner and asked for sausages. I shake my head and back out at this point. C argues with 10K and tells him he's in his room till bed. I'm disgusted with the lying. If you ate the stupid yogurt just say you ate it. If you threw away your dinner, just admit it.

The worst part? 10K's skateboard is still sitting there in his room....laughing at me. Taunting me. I so want to go throw it in the dumpster. There is no follow through in this house, and I'm so damned over it.

The Evilest Step Mom Ever....Me.

2009-04-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

So my brother declared that I am truly an Evil Step Mother. You know why? Because I was perched on the arm of my couch hovering over my laptop ooh-ing and aaah-ing over expensive military boarding schools in Virgina...

Hey, a Step Mom can dream can't she?

Check out this one! (My number 1 pick) :)
www.forkunion.com

Twitch

2009-04-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm trying. I'm trying to ignore the banging coming from the other side of the wall. I'm trying to ignore the screaming and the crying. But now I'm starting to twitch. 10K has stayed home sick today and yesterday. His Grandma is sick as well, and since my time is apparently expendable I'm stuck here. At home. Twitching. Yesterday was just annoying. I tried my best to ignore the attitude because he didn't feel well. I didn't even argue with C over letting him lay on the couch and watch movies all day, which I hate sick kids doing. Then today C wakes me up and tells me that I have to stay home again. Fine. I didn't say a word about him laying all over the couch again, probably getting us all sick in the mean time, I just let it go. Then the whining started. Then the yelling started. Then the tears and yelling while whining started. I was doing a total house cleaning since I have friends coming down from LA this weekend. I told 10K that if he felt so much better he could clean his room and hang up his clothes. I took stuff off the toy and book shelves that didn't belong there and asked him to put them away. His actual words, "You took them down, you put them away." Um, excuse me? Let me check really quick, yep this is YOUR room! If you don't take care of your stuff, I'll just throw it away. "You can't do that. You can't throw away my stuff!" Hmm, why yes, yes I can. If you don't care enough about it to put it where it belongs or take care of it, then you don't care if I throw it away. It took everything I had not to go grab a trash bag just like my mother would have done. Instead I walked out. Later I came back and continued organizing and cleaning, and in the process tripped over a broken scooter. I asked 10K to run it down to the dumpster. "No, it's fine. I'm not throwing it away!" It's broken. You can't even ride it. Throw it away. "NO!!!! I'M KEEPING IT!" So I called C. I said make him throw the #&*$%@ thing away before I go postal trying to clean this room. So he did. Then he wanted lunch. Fine dude, I'm vacuuming. There is soup in the cupboard. He makes it. It sits on the counter. He says he now doesn't want it. Wasted. I start cleaning the kitchen. I tell him he has 10 minutes to eat what he made, or I am going to throw it away and he's not eating till dinner. Fine, throw it away, he says. So I do. Now he's back slobbering and coughing all over my couch while screaming he's not sick. I ignore him. I finally tell him that I want him to go lay down and take a nap because I'm tired of the whining and he needs rest. He flat out says, "No. I'm allowed to be out here if I want to be." I asked if he was in some delusional state where he made the rules. He said my rules were stupid and stormed into his room. Then he calls C and whines that I am making him stay in his room all day. (What?! It's been 15 minutes!) So I tell C about the fits and C agrees he needs to rest and tells 10K that. So now, I'm trying to ignore the banging of drum sticks and hellish racket that is coming from the other side of my living room wall. I am not good with sick kids. When I was a nanny and had to take care of sick kids it drove me crazy. I am a total germaphobe and I don't want to get sick! That's why I think sick kids should stay in their rooms. Then all I have to do is change their sheets, vacuum and lysol the hard surfaces. Now I have to disinfect my couch, the recliner, the kitchen table, the remotes and everything else he rubbed on. Yech! When I was a kid, I had no choice. If I stayed home sick, I stayed in my room and read books. My mom would bring me food, check my temperature and deliver medicine. If I was okay by the evening I could watch tv with the family, but I wasn't allowed to cough all over everyone like he did last night when the girls were here and like he's been trying to do to me all day! Well, at least this is one thing I know I will have control over with my own kids. :P And at least my house is clean so I don't have to do it tomorrow...Woo-saaah...Wooo-saaaaaah. *rubbing earlobes*

Harsh and Confusing

2009-03-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

I met with a woman from my church the other night and although I told everyone it went fantastic, and parts of it really did, I felt more confused than at ease by the end of our meeting. Let's call her Rachel, because she reminds me of someone named Rachel. First of all, Rachel has had a really hard life, and I feel for her, I totally do. She was abused emotionally as a child, married a man whose sole occupation in life was to cater to his son and only after really coming to know God and 2 years of hell did things start to turn around. She is terrified of having her own children which makes me sad because she would be a wonderful mom. She is really a great person, with good intentions and an open heart. There were just a few things said that made me look closer afterwards and think if those things were about me, or about her. I ranted mostly about 10K and how hard things are, how C and I have a hard time staying on the same page, the fits 10K throws and the resentment I'm trying to buffer against. I explained that C and I want to have a baby and she said we shouldn't because we weren't on the same page with 10K. Now, I do understand this because how are we going to raise another child when we can't even agree how to raise the one already living in our house! I totally think that same-page-ness is important, and C and I have both sat down and decided this will be an ongoing conversation and we will work hard at it. After she said that, she went on to say how perhaps I should look at like This is the family God gave me and I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it...I mentally shook my head and raised an eyebrow. I understand that I made a covenant. I do. I don't want out of my marriage! Rachel told me about a friend who was leaving her horrible loveless marriage and how she was mad at Rachel for telling her she should stay. Now, don't get me wrong, because I am a Christian and I do believe marriage should be forever, but I also believe there are very legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. Your husband beats you? Stay! Uh, no. He cheats on you constantly? Stay! Uh, no. You've tried everything from marriage counseling to shock therapy and nothing has worked? Stay Anyways! Uh...NO. I tried to tell her about my blog and said that most of the women are Christian and she said that was so good because non-Christians will constantly be telling me to get out of my marriage. What? Most of my real-life friends aren't Christians and NOT ONCE has anyone ever told me to get out. Rachel made me feel like I was asking for a divorce, that I was looking for a way out. Which isn't what I was doing at all! I just wanted advice on how to be a better communicator and deal with 10K. So after we talked I drove home, and the whole way I was confused. I was really clear about not wanting to end my marriage, (I even said those words!) I also was clear that we ARE going to have a child. I know we have to work on being on the same page and straightening out 10K, but I'm not going to just sit back and go, oh I made my bed I guess I should sleep in it and be miserable. Yech. So I am taking what I can of the conversation and using it and discarding the rest. Also I've been letting C handle all things 10K and stepping wayyyyy back. :) Be proud. It's hard.

House!

2009-03-21T16:50:00.001-07:00

C and I decided that with us extending our family in the next year or so it was time to get out of the craphole apartment we live in where kids are not allowed to skateboard, ride their bikes, rollerblade or do anything that might cause "noise". We found a beautiful house, in a cul-de-sac, on the same street as his parents! The kids already have tons of friends there, not to mention we can just send them over to Grandma and Grandpa's whenever! We move May 1st so if you don't hear from me for a while it's not my usual laziness, it's that I'm packing/moving/setting up new internet. :) My brother is going to live with us for about a year (aka until my nesting instincts give way and I just HAVE to have the nursery set up) I am sooo excited. I am sick of living in an apartment. A tiny apartment at that. Thing I am most excited about: a washer and dryer! I am so sick of lugging loads of laundry up to our expensive, dirty laundromat. Now I can just toss a load in and go to work! No more camping out on top of washers so no one steals my clothes. Now my brother won't be camping out in my living room either! I'm excited because now I get to buy new furniture because we don't have enough for a 2000 sq ft house! We live in a 900 sq ft apartment. That's over twice our living space. Ah and no more freeway noise! :) There are so many things I'm excited for! :D Praise the Lord!!!! For He is Good!!!

Release Cont.

2009-03-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Okay so I know my last post was probably a lot to digest, and (believe it or not) I left a lot out! I just really hope it didn't put anyone off. What are you if not your story? When I think about my life, and everything I've seen and experienced in the past 24 years, I'm amazed. My life has been one crazy moment after the next and I've been struggling with the normality of the past 8 months. I enjoy the roller coaster of self-destruction, that adrenaline rush of hurdling toward a cliff and stopping only moments before you go over the edge. I do understand mortality and if I kept it up one of these times I will loose my footing and plummet, but none of that seems to matter when everything is chaos. I dated one guy right before C and he told me if I didn't stop what I was doing, he knew he would be attending my funeral within 2 years. He was probably right. Perhaps the insanity with C was akin to a forth of July firework finale. Perhaps I'm supposed to just settle down and be content with homework duty, cooking dinner, watching movies in the evenings, and going to bed at 10. I think a more 'in-line' suggestion for my personality is to get a hobby. So I've picked something I've always loved, am very good at, and pumps you with adrenaline. I've started riding again. I was an avid dressage (English) horseback rider for a while before I met C. I took lessons for about 6 months and before that had done many many trail rides. I just went riding again for the first time in over 2 years on Monday. It was fantastic. Sunday I'm going again. I went with my brothers girlfriend because she owns 2 horses (lucky!) and she hit the head on the nail with this statement: "This, this right here, is my therapy." I almost cried. I need alone time, I need adrenaline. Problem solved :) C said if I can find a decently priced one, I can lease a horse! *yay* Okay, enough about moi.

The Kids

I've taken a big step back with 10K. He is refusing to go to therapy any more, and C refuses to make him. He got in biiiiiiig trouble not last week but the week before. He forged a teachers signiture then tried to lie his way out of it. He was grounded for a week. The longest we've ever ground him. C and I fought those last few days because C wanted to let him off and I reinforced that by letting him off you are just proving you don't mean what you say, and completely voids any punishment whatsoever. It was trying. I've stopped doing just about everything. I don't tell him what to do, and I can see it's getting to C. Example: Usually when its time for 10K to get in the shower, C says, "10K, get in the shower." Then goes away to sit on the balcony, in our room, to the store, wherever. Leaving me to do the, GET IN THE SHOWER NOOOOW! part after 10 minutes go by and he's still just dawdling. So, instead I opted out. C said, "Get in the shower 10K." Then C went on the balcony. 10K played with a ball. C came back in, "Get in the shower. Now." 10K played with the cat. C came back in, "I SAID NOW!" 10K plays with the ball and the cat. (20 minutes has gone by now.) 10K pokes his head out the sliding glass door and says, "You want me to get in the shower now?" And C says "No. Now it's too late. Get in bed!" and 10K responds with, "NOOOO I want to take a shower! I'm getting in the shower!" I'm humming to myself and playing solitaire. I'm tired of arguing, fighting the rudeness...it's so lame. Can't 6 months be here now so I can be getting pregnant and not have the time or energy to waste on fighting with him? I can't wait to have my own baby. Hope everyone has a good day!

Release

2009-03-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Okay so I have been busy writing. Unfortunately none of that has been on here. I have been journaling stuff that is a bit too private/angry to blast you poor unsuspecting souls. It's mostly boring blather anyways. This, is much more interesting.

Next week C and I have been joined at the hip for 2 years. 2 years of trials and tribulations. It's been a really tough road. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on where we were 2 years ago, verses where we are now and it is amazing the changes God has led us through. 2 years ago I was a depressed alcoholic who used men for 2 things, money and sex. C was addicted to meth and in a gang. We were a perfect match in a Bonnie and Clyde sort of way. We were both bent on our paths of self-destruction. Both of us had written off God, thinking: "if he exists, he sure as hell doesn't care about me". We went on one camping trip together after months of late night hook-up's. After that trip our worlds revolved around one thing, each other. We did everything together. We didn't care who we hurt with our selfish desire to be together. We didn't care that we were both on our own downward plummet to rock bottom. It was intense. We fought with our parents, we fought with our friends. It was truly Romeo and Juliet (the screwed up version). No one thought we should be together. After only being together for 2 months we decided to leave everyone behind and move away. We moved 2 hours north of everyone. Now it was time to face real problems, like we didn't have money, and I was only working 10 hours a week. We made it into a fantasy because we had a big beautiful house we couldn't pay for and never once spoke about our money problems. We didn't talk about anything. After a month and a half, I started getting calls from the land lord. C said he paid, she said no way. I had to choose a side and I chose hers. Things blew up. We tore each other down to the core. We screamed for hours about the things that had been bothering us like I found his meth pipe and knew for sure he was using, and he knew I was spending my time talking to and seeing guys that were supposed to be my past. I packed my truck and left the next day. I moved back in with my parents, who like the prodigal son, were just happy to have me home safe. We didn't talk about it. (It's my families motto, don't talk about it and maybe it will go away) I had done horrible things to my family, like scream at my mom, let C scream at my mom, I even moved out when my mom wasn't home and didn't even say good bye. I wanted to be rid of the pain I suffered. Technically we were broken up, but we still saw each other. I was seeing ex boyfriends to try and take the edge off, reverting to old habits. I had a scare. I told C I was pregnant and he went crazy. He didn't care, he wanted me anyways, but I had to do it. I called the cops and he spent 2 nights in jail. I had to try and leave him because I thought I was pregnant with my ex's child. After that I laid in bed for days and was sick. I was heart sick. It turned out I wasn't pregnant, or lost the baby, I'll never know. It felt like half of me had been ripped away and it took everything left in me to hold myself together. I thought constantly of suicide. For two weeks I suffered, in my head it felt like 2 years. Torn between what was "the right thing to do" (never ever speak to C again) or call him. It was 2 am, mid/late July sometime, and I was awake as I had been the past 2 weeks. I was crying and just wanted to hear his voice so I called. I said nothing. He said, "Baby is that you? Please tell me its you" And I cried. My soul tore. I cried yes over and over again. He said, come outside. I said what? He told me out of nowhere he woke up and just knew he had to walk to my house. I ran to him. I told him I wasn't pregnant. We sat and talked until the sun came up. We still had that connection. Now to rebuild what had been so badly broken. For a few weeks we saw each other and told no one. I pretended I was seeing another guy to my parents. I didn't tell my friends, because they all hated him. Finally I broke down and told my best friend and she supported me. She wanted above all for me to be happy. She put it great, "K always follows my advice, and this one time she didn't. That shows me just how much she wants this, and I want her to be happy." C quit meth. I swore I would never see another man as long as I live. We told a few close friends. On August 20th, 2007 C asked me to marry him. I said yes. We had a small party with friends. It was a start. Now for my parents. There are no words to describe the loathing they felt for him. I couldn't tell them I was engaged to a man they would rather kill than ever see me with, so I hid it. C and I started building a relationship with his parents, and his kids. We heard about the pastor at the church we now go to and started going. We let God come back into our lives. Finally after 5 months of hiding and pretending I finally sat my parents down and told them. They flipped. They said they never wanted to see him. They wouldn't come to the wedding. They never wanted to see the kids. I said I understood, but it was my life and I was going to do it anyway. It ripped me apart inside. I love my parents and my brother and sister. I wanted them to be part of my life. I prayed and prayed to this God that my pastor said loved me. I prayed for him to heal these wounds. C wrote my parents a letter begging forgiveness. Slowly the ice started to thaw. March led us into a dinner with my parents. By April my mom could talk to him and actually smile. By May we were talking wedding plans. On July 19th, 2008, my Dad walked my down the aisle and handed me to my future husband. Now, 8 months later, we are in a place I never thought we would be. My dad and C hang out and drink beer together while laughing and talk about fishing. My mom gives him hugs. My parents love his kids, the kids call them Nana and Papa. My mom is (already) buying baby shower stuff. (She likes to get a head start on that type of thing) We go to church just about every Sunday. Gang life, drugs and deception is behind us. We live a modest life, in a nice community. If you weren't there for the story you would never believe it. After all, who was Romeo and Juliet, but us?

Child Support and OSC

2009-02-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

Sooo, I took everyone's advice and logged onto ezlegalfile.com OMG was that ever easy!! Not to mention I totally didn't need to go to the court house since it printed everything out for me. Easy-Breezy-Rice-and-Cheesey :) Now I have to turn them into the court then serve her. Peachy-F'N-Keen. :)

Now, the child support craziness. Our case is officially open, and her's is being offically audited! Ha Ha Ha Ha it makes the laughter just well up inside me. I was two-hundred-and-ten percent honest on our paper work. If there is one thing I know, it's don't lie to the people who are trying to help you/get you free money. So C got a call on Friday saying the case is open, she's going to get served and we are going to be getting money ASAP. Awesome. Our case was opened in one month! That's pretty good for California. She, on the other hand, filed back in November. She, is not getting money, we have not been served, there is no court date, and you want to know why? She LIED. She told them she made way less than she does and her work reported her and now she has to come up with all her pay stubs to prove she didn't lie! But she did! Talk about screwed. Seriously, how smart do you have to be to know you don't lie to the government? You just don't do it. Greed. The money-grubbing....I could go on but I won't. Puh-thet-ic.

Good News- our next weekend with the demon trio is going to be easy! Demon 1 and 2 (aka 10K and 9K) are going away to winter camp! It will just be Demon 3 all weekend! How relaxing. I don't think I've ever called them the Demon's on here before, but I do it all the time when we have the kids. Context: "You get Demon 1 and 2 and I'll go see what Demon 3 is doing." :)

Thank you everyone for the advise, I followed all of it!!!! :D

Love Love and more Love,
K

Court-part 1 of who knows how many

2009-02-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

So we picked up the packet called "Order to Show Cause" hence fourth known as OSC. By we, I mean I went to the court house at 8 am, stood in line to talk to a "Family Law Facilitator" (aka FLF) What do they tell me? At 8 am? Already full for the day! I guess people (aka illegals with 43,000 screaming babies) get there at 4 am to wait in this line to speak to a FLF. I see one of these coveted FLF's walking, slinking more like it, through a side door. I grab her arm. Now, I'm thinking, Great. I'm probably going to get arrested for assault because I just want to ask a simple question. She looks down at me with a glare mingled with pity. (Remember people I'm 5 foot one) I sounded like the little boy in The Christmas Story. This is what came out of my mouth, "I'm-so-sorry-for-grabbing-you-but-I-just-need-to-know-what-I-need-to-file-for-change-of-custody!" For a moment I thought she was going to scream for security or wrench her arm from my pleading grasp and slip through her side door, but instead she must have seen the Earnest need in my eyes because she blessed me with the words, "OSC packet. Down the hall. Family Services." I dropped my hand from her arm and smiled. She didn't smile back.

I am now the proud owner of an OSC packet that is sitting on my dining room table gloating because I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing, and I'm not going to the court at 4 am. So, basically I understand we are asking for, or more pointedly, C is asking for, a court date to discuss 10K and how we never officially filed for custody of him. In the court paperwork it still says that She has full physical and legal custody which could end badly for us if she gets it in her mind to take him back. I am the one doing the legal circus act filling out 28 pages of paperwork for child support. C sucks at paperwork. Organization and detail are my strong points. So basically we will go to court and say,"Look, it's been this way for over a year, we just want the papers to reflect that, la de da" and he will say okay and stamp it...or do whatever it is Judge's do. Right? If anyone has done this *cough*Stephanie*cough* please let me know if there is anything I should add in there, or exclude or whatever you think. OMG and I forgot the best part!! I get to serve her the papers. hahahahaha that's going to be fun. I'm going to be like the guy in Pineapple Express (great movie). "You've been served!!"

I hope everyone is doing well...I'm ready for my 4 day weekend now. :)

Oh Geez!

2009-01-27T00:41:00.000-08:00

So I have been meaning to write in here but with everything hitting the fan the way it has been I haven't found a moment's peace! Here in an abbreviated update of what has happened the past month.

1)Started weekly therapy. 10K sees a psychologist for 1/2 hour, then we have 1/2 hour family counseling. He also is in 'emotion management' at school.

2)Decided to start medicating and we are in the process of trying to set up an appointment, apparently you have to have court documentation stating you have full custody to make an appointment!

3)C and I are looking to move to another state because living here is ridiculous and I want a baby.

4)5K has now progressed to bullying all her classmates and is still the lowest in the class.

5)The Ex filed child support against us, so we filed back against her for 10K, and since we have the girls more than she has 10K she is going to wind up paying us more!

6)C and I had are birthdays and he's now 34 and I'm 24 :)

That's all the important stuff anyways. I've been having quite the crack up over the child support issue. What I thought is since she has 2 we would pay her alot more, but it's only about 50 bucks a sibling! And since the percentage of us having all and her having none is higher than vice versa we will get more money! She is so damned stupid! C even tried to be nice and before we filed our paperwork, told her all this but NOOO...stupidity reins in that screwed up little world.

Birthdays were fun, we have fantastic friends who threw lovely parties. I also reconnected with an old friend of mine, whom C is none to pleased with since this friend is male. But he is a NCP of 2 little boys with a more psycho ex than C's...She's a red head, what can I say. She's threatened to kill me on more than one occasion. I am happy to have this friend back...More on the drama this causes later. :)

God Send :)

2008-12-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

So I prayed that my husband and I could have some peace and quiet to ourselves, while stressing over the Big Bear trip. God answered my prayers. The Big Bear trip was cancelled due to a snow storm that would have us snowed in up there until next Saturday! Then, 10K was so upset he said he wanted to spend Sun/Mon/Tues/Wed at his mothers house instead of with us. It's been wonderful! Yesterday we rented movies and just cuddled and watched them together, then had my brother and his girlfriend over and we spent the whole night laughing and having a great time together. Today he went and got me coffee while I took a bath (We didn't get up until 11!) and we rented more movies and just relaxed together. We've laughed more in the past 24 hours than we have in a month. He is napping right now, and so I decided to hop on the computer and write a little bit.

Thank you for your input about badly behaved step-kids. It's really hard to know when to draw the line. I know I am a control freak and a perfectionist by nature. I try not to let it get out of hand, and C says I'm too hard on 10K. I can be. I realize that. I'm also too hard on C sometimes as well. Not to mention myself. :) I could make a list 10 miles long of my pet peeves and seriously, some of them are really stupid. But just because I know it's ridiculous sometimes doesn't stop me from getting mad over them, or help me change my behavior. I'm one of those people who is OCD about everything. All the movies have to be alphabetized, the CD's, hell, the toothbrushes have to go in a certain order. Most of the time I can take a deep breath and fix whatever is wrong myself, without getting mad at whoever messed it up, but when I'm so stressed that the wrong size spoon in the wrong slot is enough to send me over the edge. I'm going to try really hard to work with the lady I'm talking to about relaxing and letting things not be perfect. I explained what was going on and she said that C has what she called "guilty dad syndrome" which I can clearly see. We have barely talked about the kids today and yesterday night. Just focused on what WE wanted to do and that was great. I feel like kids and plans are all we ever talk about anymore.

We took them to see a movie and my sister, Princess and her friend joined us. C looked down the aisle at the 5 kids and turned to me to say, "This is what it's going to look like" and we both cracked up. I told him we would probably never take all 5 to see a movie...I can't wait for the day when we have our own babies together. We already picked out names. I want a boy then a girl or 2 boys. Christian and Caden for boys, and Kinsey for a girl. :) Pretty names huh. We gotta stay with the /k/ sound because it wouldn't sound right to have 5 K's then Bob!

Well Merry Christmas everyone!! Sorry for the random ramblings of this post, I've had a few mimosas and am feeling just love-r-ly!

Best Holiday Wishes,
K

Miss PL

2008-12-19T19:03:00.000-08:00

So the meeting with the psychologist lady (henceforth known as Miss PL) went really well. She explained how 10K's brain is working and to make a long story short, we are going to try meds. We really just don't know what else to do for him, because we have tried EVERYTHING.

We are meeting with her again on the 30th with 10K, so that should be interesting.

How do you guys deal when all you do is fight with your husband over his kids? C thinks I'm being so harsh because I'm nervous about taking 10K on a trip to my grandparents house in the mountains. I guess I just come from a more traditional family where you didn't so much as roll your eyes when your grandparents were around unless you wanted to spend the rest of the day in your room. I'm terrified 10K is going to be rude to C and I in front of them, and I just couldn't stand the embarrassment. Is that so wrong for me to think that? Apparently in my house it is. 10K is ALL we ever talk about anymore. We never just talk about us, about what's going on in our heads. We don't disagree on much, but when it comes to 10K we butt heads sometimes something fierce. How do you handle this? I'm at my wits end with both of them and all I want is some damned peace and quiet!!!!

Bah-humbug-
K

When the Sh.t hits the fan...it doesn't rain gumdrops

2008-12-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

So the emails between 10K's teacher and I have gotten so long and numerous since I last posted that it would be futile to subject you to reading all of them. So, to sum up what has happened in the past 2 weeks, he is getting in a lot of trouble at school, behavior in class as well as toward other students is abysmal at best. He has been lying to us, as well as to his teacher, and is now in "emotion management" (aka anger management) once a week for group sessions. We were also suggested to seek outside therapy as this is not enough for his severe issues. So we are. C and I are meeting with a therapist on Thursday to discuss 10K and his recent setbacks. From then on he will meet once a week with said therapist for an hour. Hopefully this will bring peace back into our home. I am also going to seek therapy through a woman at my church. She runs small groups and is a great listener, which is what I really need. She is a step mom to an angry teenager so she will, I'm sure, have plenty to share with me. In other news, Thanksgiving was lovely and we are looking forward to being able to do a little Christmas shopping over the next few weeks. Lord knows if I wasn't so critical of credit cards or worried about paying rent I would have therapy shopped us into a million dollar debt right now. Luckily my head is screwed on a little more straight than that. I still won't give up my Starbucks though. Not now, not ever. :)

Looking forward to hours of therapy,
K

Good Question

2008-11-19T22:12:00.001-08:00

Where do 10K and 5K's behavioral problems stem from?

Fantastic question. I've lots to say on the topic. My first assumption before I thought long and hard about it was the divorce. Divorce has driven children to hell and back causing a huge range of problems along the way. Then I thought more about it. As far as 5K is concerned there has never been an alternate situation. She was a one night drunken oops after the separation. She's never known anything but having a Mommy house, and a Daddy and K house. So it can't be the divorce. Then I thought, well 10K and 5K are so much alike, maybe his feelings about the divorce has just rubbed off on her. But then he came to live here and they spend less than 8 days together a month, so if that's how it was, it should have gotten better when he came to live with us. Which it didn't. So the conclusion I came to is two-pronged. It's hereditary, and it's how they were raised by their mother. I say hereditary because my husband was that strong-willed child. He was defiant till the end, raised by good missionary Christians, with a sister who was the 'good child'. He went down a really bad road, a road we're terrified 10K is running straight for. He sucked at school, his middle name was trouble, and he lived that until he was 32. C dealt with issues similar to 10K's, since he was adopted and I feel adopted children suffer from a lot of the anger and despair that divorced kids have. The other side I feel takes 70% of the reason 10 and 5 are the way they are. I believe it's because of how their mother is. No discipline, no boundaries, a friend instead of a mom. I think this creates an inner tension. Kids don't want to be in control, they want to be kids. They want to feel like home is a safe environment, where they can let go and know someone else is in charge. They don't have that. When C and Her were married, C was never home. When he did get home all they would do was fight. 10K remembers it. That's about all he remembers about their marriage. It wasn't a happy or safe place to be. Home was scary. 8K doesn't remember much of anything, so it's a fantasy for her. It's a dream of a life I took away. A different basket of problems for a different post. Mostly I think that because of their similarities, although living in different households now, it has to do with their mother. The conflict she instills in them, the need to choose a side, the scariness of being in control there, and the desire she has for a best friend not a child all add up to behavior problems. I feel 5K is going to wind up where 10K is, without a doubt. She is strong-willed, that coupled with the loosest reins imaginable gives us the same equation we had with 10K. How could we expect the outcome to be any different? 2+2=4 the first time you add it...the second time it doesn't equal 5 now does it?

Well that's my 2 cents. :)

Wooo-sahhh

2008-11-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm rubbing my earlobes and woo-saahh-ing.

I was flipping back thru Stephanie's blog, and came across this. I never saw it, posted almost a year ago. Apparently, I was tagged. :) So, Stephanie, it's a year late, but here it is. :)

The rules:1. List a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet.
2. Offer as much or as little explanation as you wish.
3. Please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative.

A- Ambidextrous :) I really am!
B- Boisterous
C-Cunning
D- Determined
E- Evangelistic
F- Friendly
G- Gregarious
H- Harmonious
I- Interpersonal
J- Judicious
K- Kinky ;)
L- Lazy (in a good way)
M- Meticulous
N- Nefarious
O- Obstinate
P- Practical
Q- Queen of this house
R- Resolute
S- Stubborn
T- (in) Transition
U- Utilitarian
V- Vainglorious
W- Wishful
X- XXIII
Y- Young
Z- Zany

Pray for Strength

2008-11-17T23:00:00.001-08:00

So I started writing a new post last night, and my Internet decided to give out, and poof gone.

I didn't get to get into much detail in the my last post, seeing as how it was written 10 minutes before I had to leave for work Friday morning. Here is where I will fill in my staccato, stressed out rantings. :)

5K's class:
I spent the day making mental notes of her behavior. She was in the lowest group, with 3 boys. 2 of which had ADHD, and one with some form of serious behavioral issues. 5K doesn't listen to directions, she talks back to the teacher and refuses to sit still for any length of time. Example:
Teacher: 5K, please sit down.
5K: I have to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: Well, it's time to sit down now, I'll let you know when you can go.
5K: *with all the attitude she can muster including hands on her hips* I SAAID!! I have to go to the BAATHROOM!
Me: Sit-down-right-now-5k-or-else!

Her teacher was a nice person... but seemed kind of scatterbrained to me. There was no clear cut schedule, aside from recess and lunch. The kids seemed to be milling about a lot. I kept looking at my watch wondering when the lesson was to begin, as it had been an hour and all they had completed was chit chat over the weekend activities and share time. I would prefer her to be in a more structured environment, a half-day Kinder with a stricter sense of discipline.

As for 10K and the violence that occurred, I felt compelled to take action. I sent him to something they have at our local library to help him with his homework. I can't do it anymore. Everyone says keep fighting and I am. I just changed my goal. I am now fighting for a good relationship. I am fighting for not fighting. I am challenging him to learn to be independent, and being there every step of the way. I am ducking out of the power struggle without a loser sign tacked to my back, along with a target for him to aim for. I am asserting my love in a positive, and open way.

This is the email I sent to his teacher, letting her know what's been going on...

Mrs. FFGT (Fantasic Fifth Grade Teacher),
I've been meaning to contact you for about 3 weeks now, but I haven't made the time. I apologize for that. I spoke with Ms. RT (Resorce Teacher) last week concerning 10K lying to the principal. C and I are very concerned about 10K right now. We are not sure why, but he has been acting out more and more. Also, the letter he wrote to Ms. RT is still in his backpack. He has become very territorial of his backpack and yells if I even touch it, but I saw it there after he went to bed tonight. Anyway, the second I've made up my mind to come speak with you about his behavior, he has a good day, then two good days, then I let it slide, thinking maybe now we've hit the turning point and things are okay. That's my fault and I'm sorry.

For the past year I have been the sole person to work with teachers/schools/ principals/psychologists regarding 10K. I am the one who had homework duty, as painful as it was. I know you have a step-daughter so you understand the fragile relationship that exists between a step-parent and a step-child. Constantly fighting with him over homework and studying is destroying that bond. It is a never ending battle with him. We are locked in a power struggle, and I'm desperate to find a way for it to end. I took him to the program at the library, and that I think, will be a temporary solution until he tires of the novelty of being able to go to the library every day and refuses to go, or refuses to complete his work. Then, I won't know what to do.

I'm not sure if Ms. RT told you about our conversation, but this was it in a nut shell:
Last Monday 10K was told to complete his work in his room. Having to work independently has become a new angle for him to try and manipulate. The screaming, arguing and insults ensue every time I tell him he needs to use his math spiral, or look in a book. He fumed for about 40 minutes, and we told him he needed to stay in his room, with the door shut until he was done. C ran to the store, and 10K refused to let me shut the door, and when I didn't give in, he got physical with me. He was pushing, shoving, grabbing, yanking, screaming, and crying...it was a total melt down. I wound up picking him up under his arms, and setting him in the middle of the room where he sat screaming for 10 minutes after I had left his bedroom. As much as I want to help 10K, I think this situation has exceeded my ability and so we requested that 10K begin seeing the school counselor. Ms. RT understood, and I will be bringing the paperwork into her tomorrow morning. I don't trust sending it in 10K's backpack. I have found other notes that were meant to get to you, that were stapled to homework, buried in his backpack with my name I had signed at the bottom scratched out. I believe this has a lot to do with his sudden territorial behavior over his backpack.

I'm not sure how long 10K is going to have to do homework elsewhere, but I honestly think it's best for him, and also best for our relationship. I'm sorry his report was not turned in, 10K said that it was done and in your hands, and I made the mistake of telling him I was emailing you that night, ( I think this was last Wednesday) and I didn't follow through with what I said. I think he saw when I didn't run to the computer it was an idle threat (not something I usually ever do) and didn't breathe another word of his report. Since he didn't do his homework here, I was handed his white folder at 8 pm. I didn't even get to look at it until about 45 minutes ago. I say, put him in in-school and after school detention. We give you permission to do that until it's done. If that's not an option I can see about C trying to do it with him. Whatever you feel is best. I'm sorry to put all this on you, and I hope you understand I'm not giving up. I'm looking for the best solution to give us the brightest possible outcome. If there is anything more I can try, don't hesitate to tell me. I've run plum out of ideas, and would appreciate any insight. :)
Thank you,
K

I know I'll get a good response. This teacher is a GOD SEND. She is so nice, and supportive, and thoughtful. I don't think I had a minute to write about 10K's most recent lies. Apparently last week a kid threw his sweater in the mud. He went into his resorce class very upset, and Ms. RT told 10K that Mrs. FFGT would handle it, and not to worry. Well, this wasn't good enough for 10K, so after resource when he was supposed to go directly back to class, instead he chose to go to the principals office and tell her that Ms. RT sent him, to tell her, that she needed to look into it and speak with this other kid. 10K had to write a letter of apology to Ms. RT, but like I said in my e-mail, he never gave it to her.

Stress level: 1,000%
Ability to cope: about 0% right now
Strength to continue: Priceless

TBC...

And perhaps even worse?

2008-11-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

So the Ex refused to speak with both of us for a few days, but Sunday 8K had a serious pain in her mouth from her screwed up dental work, so I called her and asked her to please pick up the girls early. She was nice, even kind. She got to my house, ooh'ed and ahh'ed over my kitten, and spoke to me as if none of that had ever happened and we were buddies again. She took the girls home, then let us know 8K had a dental appointment scheduled for Tuesday. Then Monday morning I went to volunteer in 5K's classroom, and she was there because she hangs around for a few minutes in the morning, and she just chatted with me like this wasn't seriously awkward, and then left. Nothing weird at all. I worked in 5K's class till 12:30, then went over to 8K's class. I took a deep breath and walked in. The kids were at lunch so I took a moment to look around the room, see 8K's artwork and poems, then the teacher walked in. We sat down and spoke, she felt defensive because of the letter we had sent, and let me know she was brand new to this school and was just trying to follow protocol. I still didn't like her, but I offered to stay and help until 1:30 when I had to leave to go pick up C, since I had taken the car. So I stayed and helped 8K with her math, then the whole class with spelling. She was nice enough, and since all the paper work with the school is now in order, willing to speak with me. C put a letter in at the office giving the school and teachers permission on everything.

I picked up C at 2, then we went and picked up 10K as he was walking home. Right then my phone rings. The mom of the babies I used to nanny for was frantic. The new nanny had left the 22 month old baby in a car, while she went shopping, and another customer saw this, called the cops, the cops had come, waited for the nanny to walk out of the store, and altogether they assume baby was in the car for 30 minutes up to an hour. alone. with the doors unlocked. (Free Car! Free Baby!) So the cops called the mom and now no one could pick up the 4 year old, so C and I went and got him from his speach class, and took him to the park. Now 10K was fussing before we picked him up that he didn't want to do homework right away. So by the time the mom met us at micky D's about 2 hours later, he had escaped from it, and gotten fast food during the school week. So we go home. 10K is throwing a totally hissy fit over his homework, screaming and crying, the whole nine yards. C ran to the store to return a movie and the hissy fit continues. I tell 10K I have had ENOUGH of the whining, crying, complaining, and he was to stay in his room, finish his homework, with his door shut. Well, he didn't want his door shut, and persisted to physically fight me to keep it open. I had to pick him up, under his armpits, place him in the middle of the room, and run and slam the door. He was screaming. After I finally got it shut, he gave up the power struggle and sat on his bed screaming I hate him and that I should just admit he's the stupidest kid I've ever met, on and on and on. C gets home and I've my keys at the ready. I left. I was gone until after 10K went to bed. I read at the bookstore. So I finally came home, and C and I talked a bit about it, and I let it go. 10K had called me at the bookstore to apologize, and so I left it alone. Chalked it up to a one time thing. So yesterday I did laundry, I folded everything, and was having 10K put his things on hangers and in their drawers. Well, I opened a drawer to find clean shirts from last time I did laundry shoved in it, and I picked them up and put them on his bed for him to hang. He says, "No." and throws it on the floor. I picked it right back up and said, "YES!" and put it back on his bed, and this time he throws it at me. I catch it and tell him, fine, I will throw it away if you don't want to take care of your things. So he goes, "Fine." and I go to walk out of his room and throw it in the trashcan. At this point he makes a grab for it, and I hold it above my head. I'm still a little taller than him. He is yanking on me, pulling my arm, and I hold my arm out to push him off, and he says he will hang it, so I give it too him and storm out. Physical, again! Is all I could think. So I walk around the house for a few minutes, and calm down. I then go back in his room to tell him the things in his drawer need to be folded, and he yells "Don't Hit Me!" The second I walked in the room. I stood stunned. I have never hit him, never would. Which I said. He then claims that when I held my arm out to keep him off me I hit him in the mouth. Great says I. 10K called his friend and was invited to their house, so I let him go...laundry half done, room still a mess, I just wanted him out. C got home and I told him what happened. It will only be a year or so before he's bigger than me...What then?

It Gets Worse

2008-11-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

So I tried to talk to the Ex, and tell her that I am tired of the name calling and I honest-to-God want a decent relationship with her, and out of nowhere...I had just started talking she starts screaming, "Why are you and C getting drunk and fighting in front of the kids?!!" What? What the Hell? Not only is that bogus, it was completely out of context and reason. Apparently 8K, Mommy Dearest's Golden Child, said we were drunk and fighting and she was scared in her bed. Well, I don't care if this is true or not, I tell the Ex what happens in our house is none of her GD business. Yes, a few weeks ago we got into a tiff while the kids were sleeping, and damn I feel bad if it woke them, but we weren't drunk and fighting. That makes it sound like we got wasted and decided to have it out in the living room throwing beer cans at each other. We went into our bedroom and I admit, we probably weren't using our library voices, but dear lord is this where the false accusations start? Are we going to wind up in court with her claiming we get drunk and fight every time the kids are at our house? Lovely.

So, she hung up on me about 3 words into what I wanted to tell her because she started screaming this nonsense at me and I told her, loudly, to mind her own. She then turns off her phone. I swear she's 15. I feel much better though. I texted her and told her the name calling has to stop, I won't stand for it any longer.

On a side note, C and I wrote a letter to 8K's teacher, explaining that now there was a letter on file with the school giving me 100% permission from C to get information, speak to teachers, including parent-teacher conferences, phone calls, and e-mails. What does the teacher do? Apologize? Call? E-mail? Nope. She tells the Ex that she is mad that C gave her this letter. I helped him word it all, but it's his name on it, and his signature, and she goes and tells the Ex! I'm soooo speaking with the principal. Fine, if she doesn't want to see that if 8K needs help, we are the only 2 who are going to give it to her, than so be it!

I hope everyone's having a better Friday than me.

When you think it can't get worse...

2008-11-05T16:05:00.000-08:00

So, Sunday C and I were driving back from our lovely trip to LA. It was crazy but it was a lot of fun as well. It felt great to get away. Sometimes it's depressing for me though. I sit in my friends grunge apartment, pictures of the two of them everywhere, no toys, no school schedules posted, no calendar marking days of custody...just them. None of my friends have any children, theirs or otherwise, so I feel very alone a lot. They call me to go out but of course I'm usually stuck here, making dinner or nagging someone to clean their room, helping with homework, or one of the other ten thousand things I do that I don't have to. Anyways...that's another tangent for another post. So, we were driving home and C's phone dies. He asks me to text the Ex, and let her know she can drop 10K off at 7:30. Note: As of her past weekend before this with him we told her it is her responsibility to drop him off at our house Sundays because we do ALL the other driving. So she texts me back, obviously it had been a bad day in CrazyLand because it said "You can't F-ing spring this on me! NO!" To which I politely reminded her that it is her responsibility to drop him off on her Sundays. She then stated she had no gas at all, and no money, which of course we didn't believe because then how did she plan on getting to work all week? I told her Sorry, see you at 7:30. She never texted me back. Well that worried me, but C said forget it, so I tried to enjoy our last hour of alone-ness. Then C's dad calls. The Ex had 10K call Grandma, crying that mom didn't have any gas money and was he going to have to stay the night at his moms and miss school because no one could pick him up? Could she please pick him up? So she did. Now C and I were furious that his mum decided to do this, because it just plays right into her little game, but we could see how she hated to see 10K put in the middle of her craziness. So C calls and 5K picks up the phone. She says, and I quote, "Daddy don't yell at Mommy. Mommy says you're going to yell at her." To which my husband sweetly replied, "No I'm not sweetie, please give mommy the phone." Then he could hear Her saying the back ground, "Hang up on him 5K. Hang up!" And she told her Daddy, "I'm sorry Daddy, but Mommy says I have to hang up on you."

Then she texted and left a message on my husband phone calling me a B and saying "did the control freak tie you up so you can't talk to me?!" Like I forcefully have to pull him away.

It's days like that when you raise your hand and say, "Um, I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign a waiver? There was no liability release?" Where was it I put in blood I would stand idly by while being called names? I've never been treated so badly by someone I haven't punched in the face. Hmm...maybe that's next....

From CrazyLand-
K

5K and School cont. with a little bitterness thrown in for good measure

2008-10-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

So when picking up the girls today, I went looking for 5K's teacher to clear up this mess. I found her heading out the door but she spared 10 minutes to speak with us. I was right about why she didn't answer any of my questions. Apparently 5K tested lowest in the class at the beginning of the year, knowing only 6 out of 46 sounds and names of letters. She has improved slightly but Mrs. TL (Teacher Lady) used the words "she needs a lifeline" and made it very clear she knew 5K was not getting the support she needs at her mothers. She is going to send home copies of everything Wednesdays, plus things she thinks 5K need to work on. She still wants to have a sit down talk with us about all of it, and show us more when we can. It was awesome. A ray of light in what turned out to be an utterly icky day. So now I am stressed to the max about what's going to happen. Every time I hear someone tell me about what a whack-job their mom is, I want to record them then ask if they would be willing to testify to that in court. After that, I go looking for 8K's teacher. I had received a voicemail from her earlier that was really awkward. It went something like this, "I would be willing to meet with you both sometime, or perhaps talk to you both on the phone, when I see you both I will show you the test scores...yada yada yada" Hmmm...says I. It sounds like she doesn't seem very interested in talking to me unless C is hovering on every word, you know, just in case I let it slip how I beat them nightly and lock them in the closet. So I tell C about this message, and he interrupts me to tell me that the Ex has already called bitching about how the teacher went to HER and said I tried to contact her, (you'd swear I have the plague) so the Ex called C to tell him that the teacher, get this, doesn't want to meet with me. Wants to meet with her, and C! In the same room! Without me! HAHAHA Riiiight, like that's going to happen in this century. I mean, if she wants to be witness to a bloody battle scene, has a death wish, or just enjoys watching people rip each others heads off then by all means! Obviously she hasn't dealt with many divorced parents. So, not only did she complain to the Ex about me e-mailing her, she left that message and since that wasn't enough, sent me a one sentence e-mail back, regarding a phone conference. It said, "Is your husband going to be on the phone as well?" No "hi", No "thanks", No, "Sorry to trouble you." Just that one line. My best friend put it nicely, "Well it sounds like she should be talking to the Ex only, since they have the same IQ" Agreed.

Since this wasn't enough of a bad day, let's talk about the kicker. We're all at Grandma's for dinner, which is usually a nice evening. I don't have to cook, she made spaghetti (my comfort food) and the kids are usually out of my hair. The operative word there is usually. I asked 5K to come inside and what does the turkey do? She bolts out the door, and runs away from me. Well at first I chuckle, but when I catch her and she makes it clear she's not coming back in without a fight, she goes boneless. I drag her in by her arms because she kicked me when I tried to pick her up, and as soon as we get inside she starts screaming and clawing for the door. I tell her she's going into time out if she doesn't stop, so she kicks it up a notch and starts telling me she doesn't like me. When this doesn't stop me from setting her in the time-out chair, she kicks it up again. Screaming at the top of her little lungs that she hates me, only loves her mommy and grandma and everyone else she could think of but me. She keeps this up for about 3 minutes. I have my back to her and I'm just sighing thinking about how much I hate teenagers because you can't put a teenager in time out. Well her 5 minutes end, and I have her stand up and look at me and explain to her I put her in time-out for kicking and screaming when it was time to come inside, but now she was going to get a spanking from daddy. I was too mad to do it, and since we believe it should be a quick punishment done with out anger I enlisted C. So after it's done she comes out, apologizes to me and we hug and things get back on track. So now we leave for church. Everything goes fine there, and we drop the demons off at their mothers. She isn't there. She has a friend staying with her right now, (who is are really nice lady) who was there. So they all immediately run for the cupboard to grab whatever junk food they can shove down their throats like they always do, and I tell 5K she really shouldn't be eating chips at 9 o'clock at night since it was already past her bedtime. The little bugger looks up at me, and says "You're not in charge here. This is Mommys house, and she's in charge." I twitched but replied, "You're right. Eat all the junk you want." with a smile plastered on my face. To which she shrugged and continued eating her pringles. I am so knotted up with stress, frustration and bitterness right now it's not even funny. All I can think about is how we aren't going to get 5K until she is failing 4th grade and uncontrollable just like what happened last year with 10K. I don't want to wait. I think we should take her to court and get custody. I just don't know if it will be granted. C has a spotty past, and knowing her she would bring every skeleton out of their closet for nothing. She would fight, get her, then in 4 years be shoving her on us like a dirty dish towel. Just like 10K.

I'm going to go wash my hair and braid it, then see how much a hit man costs on Craigslist.

Bitterly,
K

5K and School

2008-10-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

So parent teacher conferences are supposed to be this Thurs. and Fri. but C and I can't figure out how to make it work, with only one car and me having to work. So I e-mailed 5K's teacher, and yes, it was a very long e-mail, but I have a lot of concerns and questions. She seems nice, but I've barely had a moment to speak with her since the school year's started, and I'm afraid she's gotten me confused with the Ex. (ewwww) haha but also I'm worried because instead of answering my questions, she just requested to meet, but I dunno, I'm confused. Read on.

-------------
To: Teacher Lady
Subject: 5K

Mrs. TL (teacher lady),
I know we had spoken earlier about having an appointment at, I believe, noon on the 30th but I am unable to attend at that time. I was wondering if we could have a phone conversation regarding her progress. I am concerned because she doesn't seem to be getting the sounds of all her letters. I am an IA for a kindergarten class at suchandsuch elementary and so I do some of the work I do with my lowest group with 5K, but I don't know if she is just tired from a full day or really isn't getting it. Unfortunately my husband and I don't see her more than a few hours during the week, and every other weekend, so I cannot assess her the way I can my students. Also I have asked her about beginning and ending sounds, but she seems very eager to guess without thinking it through and only gets them right about 50% of the time. I've not had time to assess her math skills, but I hope she is doing better with that. She can count from 1-20 well, but like I said, I haven't tested her for number recognition. Also, I was wondering what happens in the way of homework. I assume she has reading, but I have only had 2 worksheets for her to do on Wednesday's since the beginning of the year. Is this not a regular homework day? Could you please send me a schedule of what you do in class because I am unaware of how a full day kindergarten works, since mine is only half day. I'm sorry I have not come into the class to volunteer, but as it is I work right in the middle of the day, so it would be hard for me to get down there and back before work. I am available Monday November 10th since I do not have school that day. I would love to come and spend the day observing her if that's alright with you. I could also help out with whatever you need. Please call me and let me know if all of this is okay with you. I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner, and I know I included a lot in this e-mail, please don't feel bombarded! I have wanted to write you for a few weeks, so everything's kind of piled up! :) Thank you!
-C and K
-------------------------

From: TL (teacher lady)
To: me

Hi Ms. K,
Thank you so much for your email. We are scheduled to meet at 8a.m. on Friday, Oct. 31st. Since this is a different time than what you thought (maybe your older daughter) you might be able to make it?? Please let me know. I would love to meet with you in person if we could.
Thanks so much,
TL
----------------------

To: TL
From: me

Mrs. TL,
I think the 8 am time on Friday is when (CrAzY), 5K's mom, is supposed to meet with you. Unfortunately, we will have to meet separately. I appreciate your understanding. If, in fact, you do mean this to be the time for my husband and I, I will of course do everything in my power to attend, although my husband will not be able to. I would love to meet with you in person as well. :) Thanks,
K
--------------------

So, I think she thought I was the Ex? Or maybe not? I don't rightly know. I'm worried because she didn't answer a single question I asked, which makes me always fear the worst. If everything was fine, as a teacher myself, I think she would have said so. Also she referred to 8K as my daughter, not my step-daughter so either she's super hip, and is totally cool with the step-parent thing, or she thought I was Her. Hmmm...at least she got back to me right away. 8K's teacher has not. I assumed a phone conversation would be fine if everything was going well, but now I'm really concerned since she is pressing to meet in person. UGGGH. What happened to the good ole days when kids went to school for a few hours, there was no homework and school stopped at 5th grade...I guess we could always move to the Ozarks.... :)

Sunday

2008-10-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

Oh it was so nice. I spent the whole day with my sister's cheerleading troupe and C had the kids. They went to the pumpkin patch, and then he took 8K to her brownie groups meeting at the ice skating rink. I think it was really nice for both of us. My sister has been missing me a lot since I've gotten married and been so dang busy with the kids it's left little time for her. My mom says she asks about me all the time, but doesn't want to call because she's scared I'll say I can't come over, and the disappointment is too much for her to even call. It breaks my heart. I love her so much and I'm too busy dealing with the craziness of handling his kids I don't have time for the one closest to my heart. I've decided that I need to spend more time with her, so C can have alone time with his kids, and my sister doesn't feel pushed to the wayside. :)

Going to LA for Halloween! Yaaay! C and I are going to be Mickey and Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers. (great, twisted movie) Hope everyone has a good Monday!

The Kids

2008-10-24T09:50:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've been a little preoccupied with things like homeless kids and Oprah, but time for some nitty-gritty. First off, I'm concerned about 5K and what's going on in kindergarten. While most kids in my kindergarten class know 99% of the sounds of their letters, 5K seems to know about 10-15 on a good day. On a bad day she refuses to say any of them. Also, the Ex (who is insane, just a reminder) while on one of her rants (since we are BFF's again) told me that she HATES when teachers have kids memorize their little books they make because, and I quote, "They aren't REALLY reading!" Um...duh. They are learning left to right tracking and word association. Unless they were taught at home, by a dedicated parent, none of them know how to read. (I have one in my class that reads at a second grade level, but that's it) So if she's not supportive of how kids learn, I don't see a lot of success in the future. I mean, look at where 10K ended up. Not only that, her teacher has started her on sight words, which is odd because she doesn't know the sounds of her letters yet. I don't know. I need to get in there. Well any ways, 5K came over about 2 weeks ago with a cut under her lip. I asked her what happened and she told me, "Mommy was cutting up salad and I wanted to do it to, and mommy left so I picked up the knife and accidentally poked myself" Yikes. *Note to self, don't leave knives out!* So now she has this gnarly scabbed thing on her face...ugh poor baby.

Now, about 8K. The Ex calls to chit-chat about her because she is now doing what 10K did in third grade. She is hiding homework, lying about it, and getting in trouble at school. Great. Juuuust Faaabulous. She was the one we thought we weren't going to have to worry about! So now I am very concerned about both girls and school. I know for a fact that if 8K throws a big enough fit, the Ex will just throw her hands up in the air and not make her do anything. Also she doesn't check backpacks or make sure there isn't other work that needs to be done. So I have meetings with both their teachers next week, so we'll see how that goes...Anyways I hope everyone has a good day!

I hate when Oprah's wrong.

2008-10-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

I love Oprah. I really do. But sometimes she can be reaaal wishy-washy, always straddling both sides of the fence to make sure no one ever gets offended. Well, I found this list on her website and it made me laugh, but there were a few on there that I thought were just wacky. These are supposedly 12 things your never supposed to say as a step-mother. I didn't post all 12, because most of them were pretty true, like don't badmouth the Ex in front of the children. But these 5 I thought were a little off track...What do you think?

7. "Have you always done that?" Families have traditions that are meaningful to them. So if your husband and his children insist on watching Hogan's Heroes reruns, putting mayo on hot dogs, collecting rubber bands, or anything else you find distasteful, just keep your mouth shut.

---I agree with this to a certain degree. I think there is a very big difference between putting mayo on hot dogs, and what I would call a tradition. Traditions that make you as a stepmom feel excluded, or go against any of your moral standards you most certainly have a voice in! Yes, families have traditions and since it's a new family, I think it's bout time for new traditions! I don't think it's logical or healthy to "just keep your mouth shut." Unless you don't live there, you've got a say about what goes on in YOUR house!

3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc. Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out. You're better off being wicked.

Whoa Whoa Whoa. I agree wholeheartedly you should never be the fall guy, but seriously shouldn't this have been geared toward how that would make YOU as a stepmom feel rather than how everyone else will feel about you? The distinct feeling of being a doormat is very unpleasant and I think this should have been the point, not that you would become someone everyone resents because you were trying to be nice, and just went too far.

4. "Why the long face?"Your stepchildren are allowed to be sad—they're in mourning. Let them grieve if and when they feel like it. Sorry, but they probably will grieve more around you, since you're the evidence that their parents are never getting back together. Don't call attention to their sorrow; remove yourself, and get Dad to be a mom at this point. Their depression will pass—they're kids.

I'm not quite sure I understand this one. Yes, some people do get married during the mourning period, but either way, I think you have a right to ask why they feel sad? It could have NOTHING to do with you existing. And why would someone ask you to constantly deliberately think about the fact that you are the surviving evidence that their parents will never be back together? Ugh, if I thought that's what the kids were thinking every time they looked at me, and looked kinda sad, I'd be a wack-job.

8. "Your room is a pigsty!" Something's got to give, and neatness should be it. If the situation is desperate and the kids are growing subspecies in their space, get Dad to go in there and organize a cleanup. Life is messy, and it's even messier when you choose a man with children. But remember: It's better to have a man with kids than one without kids who flosses his cat's teeth.

What? Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me I don't have a say about the neatness of a room in my house? That I have to wait until subspecies are growing before I'm allowed to ask my husband to intervene? (Not that he would. He would probably just call the new form of bacterial growth "cool" and leave it be.) Yeah, I don't think so. I think you shouldn't bat an eyelash over a toy or piece of clothing on the ground, but if the child is old enough to maintain his/her own room, they should be held to that. 10k HATES cleaning his room, but that doesn't mean he gets out of it just because I'm a stepmom? I. Don't. Think. So.

12. "It's them or me." It will always have to be them. Your stepchildren are jealous of you. But admit it, you're jealous of them, too. If you make it a battlefield, this is a battle you'll lose.

Ok, I believe that this statement should never be said, but it is the undertone for every conflict you and your husband have. Also if you're a Christian then you KNOW you come first. There is no such thing as a marriage working if anyone but your spouse comes first. It doesn't matter if it's his parents, your cat, your baby together or the sofa no one can sit on. If your spouse feels something, or anything is more important to you than them, the marriage is doomed. I remember feeling so left out, and so unneeded before we started counselling. The couple who counseled us is a blended family, he brought one son to marriage, she has no kids of her own. She dealt with the feelings of being inferior, always second for 2 years. I don't know how she did that. She was ready to leave the marriage, when her husband finally got a clue. They were able to save there marriage, and her husband realized that putting his son in front of his wife was causing serious damage. It also doesn't give kids the healthy model of a good relationship. He talked with C at length about how it's not bad for the kids to do this, it's biblical, and it will make us stronger. It did. I never have to worry about my vote not counting anymore. This all went down about 2 months before the wedding. I hit a point where I knew if things didn't change, no matter how much I loved this man, I couldn't rightfully say 'till death do us part' because I knew in my heart it couldn't be true. C changed his way of thinking, and our relationship grew stronger, and it's been 5 months since that happened and everything is so much better. Demand to be first ladies. For your own sanity and for the kids!

That's all I have to say today. :)

Homeless Kids Part 2

2008-10-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is the first chance I've had to update! So, the cop came about 10 minutes after I got off my computer, and I went out onto my porch to see what happened. Well I hear the cop talking and asking if there was a fight, what was going on, etc. Apparently he was not briefed on the situation. Well Joe got nervous cause the Lady was right there, and sent the cop away! I saw the cop come down the stairs and called out to him, and had him come into my apartment and explained everything. Well, needless to say, this guy was a retard. He goes on to tell me that they are not 'homeless' since they have a roof over their head, and there is nothing he can do because the kids aren't screaming bloody murder. He said, and I quote, "If they were kidnapped or something, they would be screaming and fighting and telling people." Uh, riiiiight. Obviously this man has never been versed in child psychology. So he left. I was PISSED, to say the least. I texted Joe to come over, and he did, and I ripped him a new one about letting the cop leave, and made him call the cops back right then, which he did. He said he was scared. I called him a pussy. So Joe and I wait for an HOUR for this cop to come back. He had seriously just left when Joe called. So by this time it's 1 am, and the cop goes in to check things out. I think Joe was scared of me, otherwise I'm sure he would have just let it slide. He seems to be a huge confrontation avoider. Anyways I am sitting on my balcony, freezing to DEATH waiting for the retarded cop to come back out. So after seriously 10 minutes (not a long enough interrogation I say) he comes out. Well I go inside and press my ear to my front door because I'm seriously that nosy. The cop proceeds to tell them that she does not have a criminal record and the kids would have said something to him if they were kidnapped. Then he left. I just about threw a potted plant at his head. I searched the website for missing and exploited children, and found a sister with 2 brothers who have been missing since June 29th. They looked very similar to the 3 kids. The girl was blond, one boy dark hair and one blond. Also, I got a good look at the girl, and from what I saw and this picture it was a striking resemblance. I just don't know what to do! The Lady and kids packed up and left this morning, so now they're gone. It is weighing very heavy on my heart that something very wrong has happened. I am just at at loss about what to do. I haven't the slightest where she went, and the cop said the only way he could take the kids was if he found them on the side of the road. Ugh. I'm quite upset with our police right now. It's not right. She didn't even have to prove she should HAVE these children let alone what she's doing living in a car with them. C pointed out that the 3 missing kids on Missing and Exploited Children went missing from MD, but still...she could have traded a car with MD plates for a CA one... I just don't know what to do. I'm worried sick there are parents out there wringing their hands and crying over their missing babies. I have been praying all day for the safety of those kids, since I am at loss over what else I can possibly do. Please pray for them! It got me thinking about all the homeless kids out there, and how if I came across someone like that I wouldn't care if I had to have C hold her down, I would take the kids away. Ugh. Well I guess I'm going to spend the night chewing my cheek and trying to find a way to be at peace with what's happened. Say a quick prayer for me too...

Dear God,
Please look out over your children tonight, and comfort those that are hungry, cold, scared, or alone. Let them see your grace and love, that they are never truly alone, no matter how ugly this world can be. Watch over the three I saw next door, and be with them now as they are probably scared. Give them peace in their hearts and let them sleep easy and dream beautiful things. Watch over the lady who is with them, and put it on her heart to care for these children, or find better care for them if she cannot. Give her peace in her soul and be with her. Thank you for your way of opening everyone's eyes and showing us that we are your plan to fix this world. That we are the ones who should care for the children left behind. Amen.

In the Lord's name,
K

Homeless Kids

2008-10-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

Okay this is completely off the usual subject of what horror I'm going through on a particular day, but I just did something for an acquaintance (not even a good friend) that I am struggling with. So this acquaintance, lets call her Judy comes over out of nowhere and tells me her and her boyfriend Joe, (haha the Judges) found a lady at the end of her boyfriends work street, in pitch black, making pb and j's for 3 kids, sitting on the ground at 9 o'clock at night, next to a beat up station wagon. Well Judy is a mom, and being as her kids are at their dad's house Sunday and Monday night, invites this lady back to their apartment out of pity for the kids. Well, she shows me how this lady has proceeded to basically unpack all of their belongings, and that she is not the kids mother, (apparently both parents are dead) but their aunt. Well the story gets more and more circumspect as it goes on, and now she's scared this lady kidnapped the kids, is homeless, and is now planning to become a squatter. Btw, California law states if you invite someone into your home, and they stay for 48 hours, you are by law required to give them 60 days notice to kick them out. The cops won't even come. So we are going onto 26 hours at this point, and she's freaked. She was scared if she called the cops to come check this lady out that they would peace before the cops even got there, so she asked me and C to do it. Well, we were a little nervous, but Joe texted us just about 30 minutes ago to say she was there, so I called the cops. I'm terrified they're going to scare the kids, but what if they're kidnapped? She gave this shmuck story about how the mom's been dead, and the husband just died, and apparently it was all so easy to find as to type in a web page and its on that city's front page news. Well, says the cynic in me, that was tooooo easy. She offered up the website to prove her story, but to me, that seems very fishy. She could have easily assumed the name of the new aunt taking three kids (were not named in the story), and they really could just be anyone. So did I do the right thing people? Should I have just stayed out of it? I'm really torn and am waiting up to see what happens...I'll update this after...

tsk tsk

2008-10-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

So I just read a post from Izzy Rose's blog, stepmothers milk, and while I admire her and her poetic and beautiful view of stepmotherhood, sometimes I struggle to relate. She had posted a piece from another stepmom blog concerning not saying things on your blog that you wish later you could take back about the biomom, kids, whomever. It got me thinking, and thinking usually leads to guilty feelings, which this did of course. There are many things I have said on this blog, concerning the Ex, the kids and even my husband at times that would burn ones ears off. I'm glad that this certain blogger has gotten to a point in her relationship with the Ex that she doesn't have these thoughts, has outgrown them, or is just blessed with a sane human being as her husbands ex-wife. I envy her greatly. As for myself, I will contest that I am young, and therefore have a propensity to be a bit more rash than others who are more wizened than myself. From what I've read (meaning I might be wrong) it wouldn't appear to me that this woman has spent a day in court refuting blatant lies, like Stephanie. Or worries greatly over her step child's extreme lack of hygiene, discipline, studies among other things, at their mothers hands, like me. Also, from what I can see she only has one step child which, for those of you with multiples like myself, clearly see as an advantage. On a side note, what convinces a woman who is clearly unable to take care of one child, to continue having more? Anyway, that's for another day. Like I said, I envy this blogger's relationship badly, and wish I could have a more consistent one with the Ex. It's so on again off again with her. Either she's talking to me and calling me all the time to confide about her boyfriend, or she's calling me a B and telling me to stop meddling, then refusing to even be cordial for a month. So mainly I wanted to say, I'm sorry if I'm one of those ranting stepmoms who can't find anything better to write about than what a pain in the arse the bio mom is, but that's where I'm at right now. I need this. I need people to tell me I'm not crazy for having rules that aren't hers. I want people to say I'm going to be alright, and while things may never be in the same ballpark as normal, I'm still gonna make it. I love writing, and if it wasn't here, it would be in a journal that would never give me the advice, support and downright love that a public forum does. Luckily for me, the bio mom of my steps doesn't own a computer and checks her work e-mail spottingly. I seriously doubt she has even heard of blogger, much less manage to stumble across mine. And if that should ever pass, Fine. Let her read it. If she thinks me all the more of a controlling B, that's her opinion and if she just *might* get a glimpse of life this side of the craziness, perhaps she would snap out of it. I doubt it though. I feel badly sometimes for saying the things I do, but not badly enough to regret saying them. It didn't always used to be this way. Once upon of time we liked each other. Once upon of time I was close to wanting to have coffee or lunch with her. But we're in the Unhappily Ever After now, and that book is over. So for probably a while I will be writing about the endless grief she pours over my head and whatever else comes to mind. Even if she would never forgive what she could read here, God does, and Lord knows I need this. :) So, if what I write is mean, rude, and uncaring sometimes, yeah, it will be, know only that this is a path I'm walking on and maybe one day, the Ex and I will sit down for coffee.

That would be a good day.

Weeeeelllll...

2008-10-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

So I ran the idea of inviting the Ex to church with us by C, and he almost had a coronary. So needless to say, it didn't happen. I felt bad about it for about 5 minutes (seconds) but realized having her there would disrupt me so much I couldn't only NOT focus on the message, I would have to stand introducing her, and since she never changed her name, it would be rather awkward. Sitting next to her for 30 minutes at a school event is enough to make me nauseous. I don't think I could handle the hour and half of church. On a good note! Her friend is moving in with her for a few months, and I have heard nothing but high standing remarks about this lady from the kids, and even met her myself and found her to be an exceptionally nice person. Apparently she has been talking to the Ex about how badly she treats C and I, and is a very devout Christian!! So maybe I don't have to take the burden of her everlasting life on my shoulders, because a friend of hers is doing it for me! (booo-yah!)

Okay well I hope everyone is having a wonderful October, and oooh Halloween is coming up! Fun Fun Fun. C and I are going to LA for the weekend of Halloween, so we are going to have SO much fun!

I see there are these new fangled things like following blogs, but omg, it took me forever to even post who's blogs I look at I don't know if I can figure out this new thing too! I will try though, because I really enjoy reading other peoples stories. :) If not only to humble myself, to better myself as well. :)

"Responsibilty Sucks", says the 10 year old.

2008-09-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Agreed, says I. But it has in fact been working. After fits, protests, screaming and going boneless crying, he has finally started to realize I mean biz-ness. I even spoke with his teacher about it, and she said just what clevergirl did. :) He is now actively trying to solve problems on his own instead of wanting me to explain every problem basically solving it for him. Laziness is most certainly the sin of the year in this household. Drives me batty. Thank you everyone for the encouragement, and support, it means a lot to me to read all your comments.

Now onto what I am struggling with today. I want to invite the Ex to church. It bothers me that she doesn't go, and I know it bothers the kids. She also says, "Oh my G" which is banned in our household. I don't know how to go about it though. Also I don't know how I would be able to sit back and 'share' my most comforting, renewing and relaxing moments of my week. I pray for her all the time, that she finds peace with God, and is changed by Him, but yet I myself am not being Christlike when I selfishly hold MY church to myself. It should be something I should seek to help her, being what I want to be instead of what I am. We are not good people who sometimes do bad things, we are bad people who sometimes do good things, because if we were good people who did bad things we could be consistantly good, but that's impossible. So I seek to be the better person, and share the solice I find in God. The selfish part of me wants her to say no. But I also think that if she just heard what our Pastor preached on, it would move her heart. And that means more to me than my own comfort. So I think today, I am going to pull her aside, since she is talking to me again, and invite her to come Sunday. I'll even try not to wince. :)

"My Ah-Ha Moment" as Oprah would call it.

2008-09-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in church this morning, and for the first time in a long time I got out the piece of paper in the little pamphlet they give you marked 'sermon notes'. I took this paper out, and started writing. I've been having a really hard time with the relationship between 10K and I lately. I keep telling C that I just finished that whole puberty thing and I'm not ready to do it again with this overnight brat that took the place of the sweet boy I met 2 years ago. 10 going on 15 if you ask me. He's rude, disrespectful and downright mean. All we do is fight lately. I've had it up to my neck with it. All I can do is throw my hands in the air and tell him, "my mother would have SLAPPED that look you're giving me right now off my face so hard, my head would spin." It takes everything to control the urge to teach him some serious respect. Don't worry....don't go calling CPS on me, I'm not going to do it. Perhaps I couldn't have said that in full sincerity if I had not had my "Ah-Ha" moment today. I decided I do not have to put up with his attitude. I've tried so hard to be a good mother to a boy whose own mother has abandoned him, but to be frank, I am NOT his mother, nor will I ever be. C has gotten very used to me being the strict hand in this house and I'm tired of being the bad guy. C leaves all the minor disciplining to me, while he steps in when it is larger and someone is in need of a spanking. I'm tired of it. Princess was over last night, and her and 8K and 5K were playing with my newest addition, Molly Monster the precious attack kitten C got me. Well, they wouldn't stop chasing my baby all over the house no matter how many times I said, "Stop chasing that poor kitten!" and finally I snapped because 5K was sticking her hand under the recliner trying to grab Molly. I meant to shout her name, but as it is when you're frazzled and pissed, I shouted Princesses name instead. Princess looked up at me in a look of utter horror and I quickly recanted and shouted 5K's name instead. 8K said, "Wow I know you didn't mean to shout Princess because you would NEVER yell at her like that." Which, is very true. I have never raised my voice, shouted, or done more than raise an eyebrow at my sister. She is my favorite person in the whole world and she looks up to me as her big sister, and it has always been that way. She has never once made me angry to the point my stepkids seem to be able to push me to in a matter of minutes. She has always listened to everything I say, ask her to do, or whatever. She is helpful, bright, beautiful, and I consider her to be just like me, but better. She is everything I wish I was, athletic, a fantastic pianist and vocalist, just thinking of her and her accomplishments makes my heart beam with pride. She loves to read just like me, she is quick-witted like me, and just so smart. Anyways, I was thinking about my sister and my relationship, and how I wish dearly I could have that with my stepkids. As I know this is a completely different relationship, and really isn't possible, I wish for it anyways.
As I was saying before that tangent, I'm done putting up with 10K's disrespect. When he gets home this afternoon I am going to sit down and have a long talk with him. I've decided I'm sick of yelling, and I'm sick of his attitude, as much as I'm sure he is sick of my harping and yelling and punishing. From now on I am going to ask him to do something once and that's it. The second he starts giving me attitude and disrespect no matter if it's at dinner or while doing homework, I am going to not say a word, but just walk away. If he wants continued help with homework or whatever it is he's griping about, he can come, apologize, and ask for me to continue helping. Which I will gladly do. When I ask him to do something I will only ask once. We are going to make a list of consequences if he fails to do as he was asked within a reasonable time. I will no longer harp on him, tell him to do it now, or ask repeatedly if he is done. I think this will avert a lot of tension in our home. If he fails to do as asked, it will be his fathers job to enforce the consequence, not mine. Therefore most of the "asking" will be done by C from now on, even if I have to ask C to ask 10K to do whatever it is. I am no longer in punishment mode. I will not enforce, nor give out punishments any longer. C is his father, and I have helped him in the sector for far too long. I can't express how tired I am of being the 'bad guy' while C sits back and doesn't step in till we are both screaming. I will let everyone know how this situation works out :) I freakin hate teenagers. lol

Wedding pictures :) ENJOY!

2008-09-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

My handsome husband and I
We had a great photographer!

Me and my little brother :)
Me and Princess, my beautiful sister.
C and I with both of our parents
I loved this picture

This is my ring bearer and little one I used to nanny for

OUR FAMILY!
Our Wedding party.
The girls :)

Wow...That Was A Crazy Month

2008-08-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! The wedding was beautiful, just wonderful, fantastic, everything I could have dreamed and more! Our honeymoon was out of this world as well! I can't wait to post wedding pictures, since we're married now I don't care if I put pictures up or not. :) Things have been going well on the step-mom front as well. 9K decided that he is going to call me mom, permanently. He told C he was tired of calling me K. :) The girls are still indecisive, but that is something they know is totally up to them. I hope everyone is faring well, as we get back from summer vacations and head into a new school year. I think I'm going to join PTA this year. :) C and I have decided to wait till our one year anniversary (which we are spending in Jamaica) and when we get back he is getting a reversal and we are going to start trying to have a baby of our own! (YAY!) Other than that things are going as good as can be expected. The Ex is still insane, and dying of bitterness. Oh well...I pray everyday for her. That's all I can do. I put her in God's hands because he is the only one who knows her heart.

Best to all of you, and next time I post it will be with wedding pictures!!!

-K

How to Deal When the Ex Hurts Your Feelings

2008-06-08T18:06:00.001-07:00

So I have the entire month of July off for vacation. I chose, through my own good willed nature, to watch all 3 kids the first 3 weeks of July. This is also the last 3 weeks before my wedding. Today I sent the Ex the schedule for July. I am one of those people that likes things planned, and so I am doing a three week "summer school" with the kids. I am planning small activities every day, and a big trip once every week. (zoo, water park, etc.) Well, she said okay to my schedule but then went back and texted me saying she wants them "here and there" but not on the weekends. I asked her (very politely) to let me know what 'here and there' is, since I am setting up a packed schedule. ( I refuse to hear even one, "I'm bored!") She then texts me back and says, "Well, they are my kids REMEMBER?" Well that was rude. Most of the time I would reply, quite snidely, that oh, I seem to have let that slip my mind and she can forget about even calling me for a week. But instead, mostly probably due to the fact I was in church, I messaged her back saying, 'just let me know so I don't plan things on the days you want them.' I then sat back, took a deep breath, and sent her this: "When you say things like if I remember whose kids they are, it really hurts my feelings. I chose to use my vacation to help you and C. I want to feel like what I do is appreciated. If you don't appreciate it, or want to act like it at least, I don't have to do it. I have 10 million other things I could do instead." and believe it or not, she actually said she knew and was sorry! It was the most civil exchange of remarks-hurt feelings-apology we have ever had. I took a deep breath and felt much better since I voiced myself and she apologized. It was hard for me to take the high road and do that instead of being rude back, but honestly it made me feel a lot more at peace than when I sink to her level. That usually just pisses away my whole day. So, Yay for me! :)

On a precious note; 4K had decided my dad's name is "Bug-Killer-Man". She can't seem to remember his name is Tom, and he kills any bugs she sees at their house, hence the name. We were at the pool and there was a tiny bug floating in the water and neither I nor C would get it out for her so she sat on the wall, grumbling, "I wish Bug-Killer-Man was here. He would get the bug out for me. I wish he was here." It's so cute. My dad just adores her too. I love watching him with the kids, especially 4K, and then envisioning him with his biological grand kids. That is going to be so fun! One more year!!!!! Did I mention that? I can't remember if I did. Next year, for C my one year anniversary we are going to Sandals in Jamaica and when we get back he gets unfixed and we are going to try to have a baby! (funfunfunfunfun) Anyways....

My house is a mess from the tornado of kids through it over the weekend, my hair is probably turning green as I type, and my eyes are drooping. The house is going to have to wait, a shower, dinner and bed sound like the plan. :)

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

yay :)

2008-05-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

I was so happy to see that people still swing by here. Thank you all for your comments. I really do appreciate them!! Things have been going better since I said, No More! and I'm able to take a deep breath and not fantasize about beating the living daylights out of her. I tried to talk to her to figure out a solution, but that went no where fast. We haven't talked since. C has completely stopped answering her phone calls, and she is texting to have the kids call her. I think this is going to work out okay. The only problem is now she is holding it all in until she sees us. When C dropped 9K off at school yesterday she was there at the same time dropping the girls off and apparantly they got into a screaming match in the school parking lot. :P Classy on both their parts. Oh well. At least I didn't have to witness it. She told me I was being a control freak because I don't want her calling all hours of the day to whine and bitch at us. Uh-huh...riiiiiiiight. Anyways!

New News-I am trying to get a work-from-home job with about.com writing articles. How snazzy would that be? 2 articles a month and updating a blog 3 times a week. Sounds like fun to me. :) Well, wish me luck and thank you, Mister M, Lacey and clever girl for your comments. That's what makes it so worth writing. :)

Nothin but love,
K

How have I survived?

2008-05-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't believe it has been 2 months since I have come to my favorite resting spot. No wonder I'm frazzled and at my wits end. Things have gone so downhill guys; I don't even know where to start. Well, how about we start with the positive? :) That always makes me happy. My wedding has been moved up to July 19th, so needless to say I've spent every waking moment, sleeping moment and zombie-in-between moments thinking and planning. My parents have been excellent with the kids, and my first Mother's Day made me cry tears of happiness. 9K made me a jewelry box he painted all by himself, 8K made me a picture frame she painted all by herself and 4K made me a necklace and bracelet set all by herself. C, my most wonderful and thoughtful fiancé took them to the crafts store and let them all pick out what they wanted to make me. It was really great.
Now onto the 'not-so-great' part. The ex, whom at one point, (if any one person has read my blog in its entirety..I'm sorry.) was phrased by me to be a sane and functional person, although rather neglectful of personal hygiene. Since we announced our new wedding date? She has gone full-blown postal. Our entire lives revolve around 'ex-management'. I had a breaking point last night where I just said, "I can't live like this! Where are we, and how did we come to be here?" She was merely a nuisance before. She was just an annoying fly buzzing around my peripheral vision but now she is a wasp attacking my face. Her calls have been on an upward spiral from anywhere between once to five times a night. She is guilt-tripping the kids for giving me mothers day presents. She is telling 9K he has anxiety attacks because he gets short of breath sometimes. She told him he is going to die if he eats candy. I wouldn't be surprised if she CAUSED him to have an anxiety attack. 9K feels and sees the new tension between his mommy dearest and I, and I think it is causing him pain. I just don't know what to do. I smile and put on a happy face when I just want to punch her square in the mouth. It's so stressful. I'm sure most of you have to deal with this day in and day out and I'm sure I sound like I'm whining. Which I am. heh. At least I still have my sense of humor, right? So I tried to talk to C about it today, but unfortunately K and word-speaking-good don’t go together so well. I guess it came out that I don’t want the kids around because our lives revolve around this, when that just doesn’t sound like what I’m trying to say. I don't know how to say what it is I feel. I just want C to myself for like, 2 seconds. Example: We had dinner with both of our parents last week. It was wonderful right up until she called to yell about something. He excused himself from the table and went outside to talk to her and I was left to fill the awkward gap for 15 minutes until I went out and got him and told him to get off the phone that instant. I can't even have one dinner without being rudely reminded she exists. If he doesn't answer the phone she flips and starts calling both of us alternately. So I enacted a rule today. She can call, leave a message and if she wants to talk to 9K, he will call her back, otherwise she can leave it in the message whatever is on her mind that stupid second. What do you think? Is it too much? Not enough? Should I build a fort of pillows and blankets around me with crayon drawn pictures of "no ex's allowed"? I feel so trapped. Its got me clawing at the celing. I hope people still stop by here, even if it's been months since I've written. I need advice! Lemme know what ya'll think.
Grumpy in her fort,
K

9K...isn't it always?

2008-03-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

So I have this week and next off from work because it's spring break for the school district here. Today I have 4K all day, and we have had a great time coloring eggs and hanging out with Princess (my 9 year old sister) 4K looks up to her so much! It's precious...
Well, 9K is at his grandparents house today, even though it is not their spring break yet. He was suspended from school yesterday afternoon and today. I guess from what I can gather, 9K has been hanging out with this boy Alan, and Alan was expelled from his last school and is new there. He is not in 9K's class, but they see eachother afterschool and recess and walk to ESS together. Well I guess yesterday the boy Alan tried to get 9K and another boy to go beat up some kid. From what 9K told me him and the other boy told Alan no, but stood by while Alan threatened this kid. The kid told on all three of them and they all got suspended. This is his first offence and I honestly believe he wouldn't threaten another kid. He likes littler kids, he likes to help with them and never ever picks on them. Right now 9K is quaking in his boots of facing his dad this evening because he knows how his dad feels about that. Unhappy. :P

testing

2008-03-03T19:47:00.001-08:00

I hate testing. That's all. I hope everyone is having a good Monday. We are working on the writing proficiency test for tomorrow. Pray 9K does well :)

Why I love you

2008-03-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

9K this is for you.

My dearest son,
You recently asked me how it was different because Dad was adopted and I explained to you that it was a lot like our relationship. I didn't birth you, heck, I didn't even know you the first 7 years of your life. But now? We are family, and I love you just as much as if I had done both those things. I love you because you run up and hug me in front of your friends. I love you because you challenge me. I love you because you look at me and just smile. I love you because when you heard me tease your dad that I would kill him if he cheated on me, you opted in that you would kill him too. I love that you get me and my sense of humor. I love that you never let an hour pass without reminding me that you love me. I love that you sing alicia keyes and sean kingston outloud in the car, especially alicia keyes. I love that you ask me if a random band or artist 'loves the Lord' because they say his name in their songs. I love that you care about things like that, and you love your Lord God above all others. I love that you want to be physically near me at an age most boys are starting to push away a little bit. I love that you watch out for me, and I know you would stick up for me if you thought someone would hurt me. You're such a protective soul just like your dad. I even love that you're making it hard for me to write this because you want to sit next me. :) I love that you want every thing explained to you because you want to understand even if makes you mad. I love it when you cook with me in the kitchen. You made me smile this morning when you thought I was still sleeping because you told your dad you wanted to make earrings for me out of your broken necklace that you loved so much. I laid there and just smiled and felt like my heart would explode inside my chest. I love that as I'm writing this there are tears in my eyes because I never knew I could love a child that wasn't biologically mine this much. In the car today you said I love you and I said I love you more and you told me that was impossible. I love cheering for you at your soccer games and that you don't mind I call you baby. I love that when I say I haven't gotten my hugs and kisses yet today you wrap your arms around me and let me kiss your cheek. I love that when I was in your class observing, everyone called me your mom and you didn't correct them. I love that in your penpal letter you called me mom and now and then you call out mom when you need me. Because I am. I will always be a mom to you. I will always love you as my son. I will consider your children my grandchildren. I don't care if people think that's weird or that I'm 'taking you away' from your biological mother because I'm not. I've never asked you to love me more, or told you what you can and cannot call me. I've always let you come to me. And you've choosen to come. I will forever be thankful for that. I love that you try to think of my feelings, and care how I'm doing. I love when you ask me questions. I love that you look up to me because I'm in college and you want to work really hard in school to go to college too. I love that you want to go everywhere with me. I'm so proud of you honey, you mean the world to me and I couldn't have asked God to bring a better son into my life. I love that you ask when I'm going to have a baby at least once a week. I'm so glad you see that as a good thing. You never fail to make me smile and laugh every day I spend with you. You are so handsome and smart, just like your dad, and I can't help but beam every time I think about what a wonderful man you're going to be someday. I love you more than life itself and always will...

Always and forever,
mom, K, ya know that lady you live with ;)

Crazy New Idea

2008-02-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

C has a friend at work who is ADHD, she is in her thirties, I think, and had it so severe she got expelled from schools and fired from many jobs because she couldn't pay attention to anything. (how frustrating, right?!) She has a daughter who is about 9K's age who is also very ADHD. She discovered about 10 years ago that high doses of caffine counter effect the ADHD. She drinks red bull in the morning and afternoon and it works the same that ritalin does, it calms her down and lets her focus. She lets her daughter do the same, and it works the same on her as well. Now, C and I are debating giving this a try before we do meds. Both of us are worried about the affects taurine and caffine have on kids, but I started drinking coffee when I was 12 or 13...only a few years older thank 9K. Then again, I'm severly addicted to coffee and only 5 foot 1. *sigh* I'm gonna have to do more research on this, but it looks like maybe it could be an avenue that keeps us away from medication. We shall see...

9K and his diagnosis

2008-02-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

Thank you Lacey for reminding me I had yet to post that! :)

9K was diagnosed by the school psychologist, who has been meeting with him weekly all year, as ADHD and ODD. Now, I was a child psych major for 2 years, but I had never heard of ODD. I don't know how I missed that, or why I didn't think there was a diagnosis for this issue, but it makes perfect sense. ODD stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. You can read more about it here:http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

I don't know how to put a link in. I am just not that skilled. Sorry.

It defines 9K. I should have caught this and now I feel guilty and determined to seek help for him now that I am aware. Like I said in my last post, he has his first meeting with a child/family psychologist in 2 weeks. We are addressing this issue. We are working on the diet, and we feel he is doing better at home. But of course as soon as I feel that way this happens...

I recieved this e-mail from one of his teachers today.

Dear K and C,

We have been working with 9K since we met at his IEP. He comes into room 23 from 8:30 to 9:30 Monday through Friday. We work with him on Language Arts. It is quite a struggle for him to attend, even in a group of one teacher to four students. In his classroom, he is impulsive and inattentive. His MAPS scores went down and we'd like to share those with you. He scored lower on a math Posttest in class this week, than on the pretest. I would like to invite you to come to His School and observe or "shadow" 9K some morning during his academic time in my room 23, and in his classroom. It would help us open up further dialogue with you on how we can best help him to attend to instruction. For example, he was chewing gum in my class on Monday. I told him on Tuesday that this was alright to do, in my room, since it is a strategy that helps some ADD/ADHD people focus better. How do you feel about this strategy for him? Please call me at His School at... and let me know when you can come in and observe and/or shadow 9K working. It will give you a better picture of how challenging it is for him to learn in school. Thank you for your interest in working with us, for 9K's learning.

This is a ploy. I know a lot of you read that and think, "oh what attentive and caring teacher this lady is" But no. See the bold text. I know what she means. She means...PUT THIS BOY ON MEDS! I see it loud and clear. We know he struggles. And if C went in to shadow him like she was suggesting he would do just fine, be on his best behavior. It would not give us a good idea of how it's working. It might be the same if I went in, but usually he is much better behaved for his father than me, since he is still testing the waters and figuring out what he can and can't get away with. We will see. I'm going to call the teacher and see if I can come in on a thursday because I don't work and don't have classes till 2:30. *sigh*

I'm gonna go veg on the couch now and debate how much healthy choice ice cream you can eat before it's no longer a healthy choice. :)

-K

Ahem I'm not dead.

2008-02-13T10:17:00.000-08:00

So I know I said I would post regularly since I was back online at home, but the thing is, I have always done most of my posting at work, (aka on other peoples time) and since they decided I was spending too much time on their computers (yeah yeah whateva) they turned them off/locked them up. So I've gone 3 weeks with out even so much as LOOKING at blogger. Well muah-ha-ha they left it on today and baby is sleeping plus my homework is done so here I am. Typing away. I've missed writing so much. I've starting having angry dreams, you know the ones where you wake up and glare at the perfectly innocent party lying in bed next to you? I think it's because I've been neglecting my writing. Last night I dreamt C had scattered my neatly color-seperated laundry ALL OVER the house looking for one shirt. I mean it was everywhere. Dirty clothes everywhere. And the worst part? He didn't care! This is one of my biggest pet peves. I have between 4 and 5 laundry baskets out at all times to keep it from even touching my floor, not to mention the big one in the closet. So all together I have 3 in the closet, (one of those large seperator ones) 1 in my bathroom, 2 in my bedroom (one of me, one for C) and 1 in the kids room. That is 7 laundry baskets. I'm a nut case, I tell you. So I woke up this morning angry as a cat in bathwater glaring at him. That was when I decided I needed to get back to my writing. :)

Updates:
We had a big meeting at 9K's school with (deep breath) the principal, the school psychologist, the assistant school psychologist, the school nurse, the head of the Special Ed. department, and of course, his teacher. C, the Ex and I all came too. We squeezed into this tiny little room and sat in little bitty chairs. It was very informative but on the same level C and I got quite upset. They were all pushing for 9K to be put on meds. They argued with C and I up and down about the diet he's on and how we are holding him back by not puting him on meds. I felt like I was in 7th grade again being asked to smoke pot. The guilt trip was immense. We went home, sat down and took a deep breath and talked for about 2 hours. We think the diet is helping. We think it would help a HELL of a lot more if the Ex didn't screw it up every other weekend and on thursdays by giving him pure crap. We think the vitamens are helping. We think the consistant schedule is helping and we think the fact we put him in sports is helping. (His first soccer game was last thursday! sooooo awesome!) He has his first appointment with a child psychologist next tuesday. We are doing everything possible to keep him off meds. We had a talk with the Ex and she is going to 'try' to do the diet as well and we will see if that helps. The school people said we are running out of time and he needs meds now but C and I begged them to let us at least try this for 2 months. So we are fighting basically the whole school board and his mother to keep him from being a little drone. We are working so hard, and I feel more and more everyday like there is this big countdown clicking over his head until he gets taken in and perscribed drugs for something I KNOW we can control with out them. *sigh*

As I've mentioned since 9K has moved in with us, the Ex is now calling every night to get C to control 4K. It's rediculous. I've had it to here with this crap. I'm furious she wants to put 4K in kindergarten because it's free and she doesn't have to pay for daycare anymore. 4K has not gone to preschool. Her daycare provider does "preschool things" but it is not in the strictest sense a preschool. 4K does not know her colors, she does not know her numbers, she can't write her name, she cant' stand in line, she can't sit still during circle time, just to start the list of reasons she needs Preschool. Her daycare provider even said she's not ready. So last night I told the Ex this. She said she knows I'm trying to help but it's her decision. I replied, Her and C's, correct. But by now she should know that C's choice is what we have discussed or basically, my decision. I'm so irratated she keeps calling me because she doesn't want to talk to C. I have told her countless times it's between them mostly cause I just don't want to get in the middle. But at least this way she won't call me for a while cause now she's mad at both of us. lol...

Other than that life is busy crazy as always..I hope everyone is doing great and Happy early Valentines Day!!!

Hear Ye Hear Ye

2008-01-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

Thank you sweet baby Jesus for finally letting me find Internet connection. We moved into a new place and the only place we could get Internet was sitting on the patio. It's cold outside. So therefore I have not been online. C found that if you set the laptop on our headboard (it's one of those long flat ones) there is Internet! yaaay!

Okay. Lots and Lots to update on.

First off, I start school today *eeeh nervous!* And I'm sad because the only classes I could get into were night classes. So Tues, Wed and Thurs night I won't be home. :( But...I'm finally back in school.

Second, 7K has upgraded to 8K since she had a birthday a few weeks ago :)

Third, 9K has been doing FANTASTIC. I repeat FANTASTIC.
Email from his teacher:
"... have noticed an improvement with 9K last week and the few days so far this week. His behavior is still a concern but his participation and effort have been better. He has been working on his multiplication tables with K and I see the improvement. He has a good understanding of division so far..."

Yeah behavior is difficult but as far as school work goes? He is DOING it. On his own! Then showing it to us! Last week we didn't have one melt down or fight about homework. He is understanding it, comprehending it, and above all, enjoying completing it! yaaay!

Also we started reading the Spiderwick series just him and I every night. We read one chapter a night and since there are 7 chapters in each book we get it done really quickly. We just finished the first book, and he is SO into it! It's so great to see him excited about reading. He can't wait to read more. He loves that the twin boys are his age and that the sister says "crap" (we told him its an older kids book so she can say that) hehehe...LOVING IT!

C and I both had birthdays...he threw me a surprise party, and it was soo much fun. I've never had one before. I love that man.

Other news: Our wedding date has been pushed back. My parents actually decided they wanted to get to know C and the kids and asked if they could have a little more time to become involved in our lives and we discussed it together and chose to acquiesce. My parents and brother and sister mean the world to me and I couldn't imagine not having them involved in my life just because I refused to move my wedding date. :) New date: 12-06-08

Well I hope everyone has been well, I will be updating regularly again since I found connection!!

Happily yours,
K

One huge birthday party

2008-01-02T11:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, so that was fun. I had some crazy chest/breathing thing, got better for 3 days, then got a horrible stomach virus. Yippie. :P

I am human again tho. Luckily. Oh and nothing like a good stomach virus to lose those few Christmas pounds! Thanks for the well wishes everyone. Very sweet. :)

Most exciting thing from Christmas: My gift. Yeah, yeah, watching the kids open stuff was cool, but that selfish side of me kicks in and woo-wee I love gifts.

So my major complaint in life (and I'm sure it lurks in the back of y'alls minds too) is that I don't get first anything. Not the first marriage, not the first kid, not even the first boy or girl. Nada. I must whine about it more than I thought I did, that or C knows how much it really does bother me, because he got me this beautiful silver photo album from Things Remembered and on it he had them engrave, "Our Life of Firsts Starts Here" :) Soo sweet. I swear he is the most thoughtful, and loving man I could ever want.

New mission: Take lots of pictures :) He even said he will be a willing participant, and Lord knows C hates pictures!

7K's birthday is Saturday, then mine is next Friday, the 11'th then C's is the 21'st. A whole slew of birthdays! C still gives me crap for forgetting his birthday last year.... We were barely friends! Haha...now I can't forget it. 10 years, 10 days :) His Jan 21st 1975, Mine Jan 11 1985. Awwwww....we should just have one huge birthday party...

Sickies

2007-12-27T19:03:00.000-08:00

I have been really sick the past few weeks. I got better for about 3 days and now I'm feeling so light headed I had to have C drive me to work. I am dizzy and burning up but my feet are cold. Fan-Freakin-Tastic. :P

I'll be back with more as soon as I don't feel like the chair is getting swept out from under me.

Hope all your Christmas' were good, ours was wonderful. The kids got SO much stuff. SO SO much. lol...I was always jealous as a child of kids who got two christmas' like that...now my prespective is much different but dude, these kids do get way more than kids whose parents aren't divorced! Although it doesn't make up for the emotional pain...ever. I'm sorry if i'm rambling..I'm going to go lie down now. :P

-Poor Poor K

Things I'm Thankful For/Step-mom's letter to santa

2007-12-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

Since I posted my last post I've taken a few minutes to breathe deeply and think about good things. I decided to write them down.

First off, I'm thankful I have a fiance who loves me unconditionally and is able to tolerate me day in and day out.

I'm thankful for three step kids who, no matter where they wish they were, love me very much.

I'm thankful I got into my collage of choice, I just found out yesterday.

I'm thankful one of my dance students was thoughtful and brought me a gift for Christmas.

I'm thankful I can wake up in the morning and be happy to go to work, and my work is equally happy to see me.

I'm thankful I have a roof over my head, decent furniture and I live with 2 (decently) tidy guys.

I'm thankful for my grandma who talked some sense into my mom while she was visiting.

I'm thankful my parents are being more open to C and the kids.

I'm thankful C's parents are so great to me.

I'm thankful I am walking with God and have found a wonderful church.

I'm thankful I got to be there yesterday when my 9 year old sister, Princess got her ears pierced. (such a trooper!)

I'm thankful I will have a little extra money to go Christmas shopping with this week.

I'm thankful for my friends who are kind to the kids and don't try and tell me I'm crazy (believe me, I already know that.)

I'm sure there are many more things I am thankful for, but that's what came to my mind in the past 10 minutes. I feel better now. *sniff sniff*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine posted this as a bulletin on myspace, but I thought I would steal it. :)
This is the mom version, but then I flipped a few phrases and made my own out of it below :)

Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
MOM...
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

~~~~~My version~~~~~

Dear Santa, I've been a good step-mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled her children, even when they didn't want it. I've picked-up, dropped-off and bent over backwards just to spend more time with them. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my step-daughter's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a thank-you, just once in a while for all the hard work that goes into raising kids that aren't mine, and perhaps you can make the ex more (human) I mean understanding. Please make her see that even though I still have my figure, not to be jealous because I've given everything else that is required of a mom to the kids but with none of small bonuses (like Mommy Christmas Presents made at school) she gets.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, K" to boost my parental confidence, along with three kids who don't fight and two large fishbowl Margarita's 'on-the-house' whenever I venture into a restaurant. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "I don't care what happens at your mom's house" and "Yes you have to take baths every night," because my voice seems to be just out of my step-kid's hearing range and can only be heard by the dogs.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for a deluxe transportation system to get them from one house to the other, or at least make her drive some of the time. If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce the children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my step-daughter saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
step-MOM...
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep these beautiful angels young enough to believe in Santa, always.

Good Guy vs. Bad Guy

2007-12-19T09:35:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I picked up 9K from school right when school got out. He was so excited not to have to go to ESS and things were looking good. He told me he felt great because he got to turn in all his homework, didn't get detention or any character cards. He said he felt like a new person. I thought the day was going well. (hahaha stupid me.)

I took him with me to my dance class and he sat working on his homework. C met us there because we were going to my brother's girlfriend's dance recital when I was done. C got there about halfway through my class, took 9K out of the room with all his work/backpack. When I finished I asked C, "Did you check 9K's work?" "Yes, I checked it. It's done." was the reply I received, so off we headed to Kelsey's dance recital. We finished up, stopped by the bookstore to pick up a book for 9K's book exchange at school and headed home. It was 8:30 when we got home. 9K still had one homework assignment to do that had to wait till we got home because he needed a dictionary. I pull it out and in the process look over the "checked" homework. Needless to say, it was filled out but all wrong. I showed it to C and got really mad he told me he checked it when obviously he had not. His response, "I looked at it, it looked done." What?! WHAAT?! He KNOWS 9K just fills stuff in. He KNOWS it has to be corrected. I would have told them to just go home and work on it and gone to the recital myself if I knew he had to redo everything! So now here I am, the bad guy telling him he has to redo it, while C is playing online poker and 9K is having an emotional break down. C just ignores it while 9K screams at me he wishes he was at his mom's house because she doesn't make him redo work. I have to sit down and redo this stupid shit with him and now it's 9 o'clock. C yells at him to knock it off from the other room, (Oh gee, thanks. That helped a TON) And 9K starts pulling his hair, crying and saying he wants to shoot himself and then that he would rather stab himself than do this, or that he would rather live on the street than have to do homework. He starts calling himself stupid over and over and he just can't seem to catch his breath and calm down. This goes on for about 15 minutes and I'm just sitting there horrified. This is straight out of a Dr. Phil episode. Finally he calms down and starts to focus, we finish that assignment but now there are 2 more he has to do so I tell him he can wake up early and finish them. C tells me he will get up with him in the morning and do it. I go stand in the shower and cry.

So this morning I wake up, and C is getting dressed and I asked him what time it was (because they were supposed to wake up at 5:45 to get his work done) and he says, it's 6:45. They have to leave at 7. I was so pissed. First he blows it off the previous night, then he screws it up that morning. I don't want this to wind up causing problems for C and I, but it looks like it's going to. I just don't see how it's fair I am the bad guy while C gets to be the good guy. Hmmff. Not Fair! (says the 3 year old in me)

9K

2007-12-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

Ahhh so...Last night was 9K's first night living with us. Tonight was the first night doing homework. He has a chart that goes through the end of January and if he completes it, he gets to go on a trip to Big Bear and go snowboarding with his dad. :) Tonight was difficult. It was a lot of 'I've already done this!!!' But yet, he doesn't know the answers and I feel like he's going to end up hating me because I make him work hard and take showers and brush his teeth and his mom does nothing of the sort...Her place is going to become so fun and great while ours transforms from tranquil yet organized to a constant war front. Please tell me it gets easier....

Gimme a V, Dot the I, Curl the C-T-O-R-Y! VICTORY!

2007-12-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

As everyone that reads my pathetic little ramblings of mumbo jumbo and whining knows, C and I have been trying to get the Ex to let 9K live with us. We prayed on it everyday. So get this! Sunday, the Ex takes C outside to 'talk' then I get invited out like 20 minutes later to hear, lo and behold, either God sat down with the Ex and had a heart to heart, or a flower pot fell off a window sill and hit her on the head, because words I never expected to hear were coming out of her mouth.

And I quote:
The Ex: I can't take him anymore. He's in my face yelling at me, throwing his hands up like a gang banger, he is wearing bandanna's under his hats, and now he wants to toilet paper houses.
Me: *stunned silence*...That sounds difficult.
The Ex: It's crazy. I love him so much (Que crying) he's my son you know? But I can't control him and I'm scared for myself and for his sisters if he stays here.
Me: (I said something but I don't remember what it was...I felt awful she was crying)
The Ex: C has control over him, and I know he respects you, K. You are that perfect balance between toughness and love.
Me: Ah, well, ya know, I try.
The Ex: No, really. I want that maternal figure around him, but you can do that K, and I can't.
Me: *stunned silence once again*

I can't believe she wants to do whats best for her son. I can't believe she admitted that SHE thinks I can do it...

Crazy what comes from prayer....

New Schedule:
All Kids: Wednesday night (new addition: They sleep over and we take them to school/daycare in the AM) Still every other weekend.
9K-will be with us ALL days except Thursday evenings and every other Friday and Saturday with pickup at 10:00 AM on Sunday. (even on her weekend)

She willingly cut her visitation down to less than 8 days a month. Waking hours she will be with him? Less than 2 full days. Wow. I only hope God gives me the strength I will need to raise this boy. There is going to be a lot of change around here!!! Pray for us... and Hoooray for a fabulous Victory!

Thoughts on Preschool

2007-11-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

My most vivid memory of preschool is sitting in time out. I had, on purpose, thrown a wooden block directly at a little boy's head. I was furious for getting in trouble, mostly because I felt justified in my actions. Ahh, good memories.

4K is currently in daycare. Why, you ask, would a 4 year old be in daycare instead of preschool? Well, let's see. The Ex has decided that 4K is not in 'need' of preschool. She is going to go straight to kindergarden next year. This is honestly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I could understand if she was gifted and had a dedicated parent working with her. (hahaha) But this little one doesn't know her numbers, doesn't know her letters, and can't write her name! Three of the most important things needed to go into kindergarten. I'm not doubting that she could catch up, but why start a child on a road of disadvantage? C even agrees that 9K should have gone two years in preschool because he wasn't catching on. It would cost her an extra 200 bucks a month to have 4K in preschool this year. She would have gone to the preschool down the street from her current daycare provider. After school her daycare provider would pick her up so the Ex wouldn't have to do anything. *sigh*

The best thing to do in a situation when you can't change the other person is to change your attitude. I got flash cards for 4K, numbers and letters, and I plan on working with her until she goes into school next fall. Hopefully with my dedication she will not only be prepared, but ahead.

I'm going tomorrow with my Mama to get a pedicure. :) I need K time. I'm still not used to sharing with 3 kids who think everything is theirs. Funniest argument I've ever gotten in with a child:
9K: K, who's car is this?
Me: My car.
9K: No it's not. It's Daddys car.
Me: Well, we share, but technically it's my car. My name's on the paperwork, I insure it, and actually 9K, it was my first car before my truck.
9K: No it's not. It's Daddys car.
Me: What? Didnt' you hear a word I just said? This was my first car.
9K: Well it's everyone's car since it's Daddys. So it's mine and my sisters and you share it to.
Me: Um. No. It's my car. I share it with your father.
9K: Then it's ours too.
Me: No. It. Is. NOT. It's MINE.

All of a sudden I felt extremely possessive and I didn't want to share! I didn't want to share with a nine year old! Hahaha I look back at that and think, why did I fall into that? All I had to say was, "Yep. It's everyones." And that would have stopped the argument dead in its tracks instead of me getting all frustrated. Does anyone else have a hard time sharing? lol I need a time out...I'm about to start throwing blocks. :)

Exhausted

2007-11-27T13:20:00.000-08:00

So C got a new job, and it has him working the nights and weekends we usually have the kids...so this past vacation week I had them Wednesday alone, Friday alone and Saturday alone. I usually treasure my alone time with the kids since it is mostly a rarity but dear Lord...by the end of Saturday I was ready to throw them all in a river. Don't get me wrong, I love them so so much, but I can only take so much whining/crying/fits/emotional break downs. They aren't used to their dad being gone like that since he has never had to work on weekends before, and so every TWO seconds they were asking me when he was coming home. It was like a mantra. "I said 6." (two seconds later) "I said 6!" (two seconds later) "I SAID SIX!!"

4K got in big trouble on Friday. We were at C's parents house, and they are neurotic about their furniture/floors/counters/everything and whenever 4K is being naughty she sneaks into a corner of the front room (the off limits room). So I see her sneaking and being quiet so I call out, "4K, what are you doing? What do you have?" "Noooooottthiiiing" Uh huh. Sure. So I go over there and ask again, "What do you have?" "K, I said Nuh-thing!" (with that smirky attitude I so very much hate) So, I pick her up to find her lying on a red marker. She's not allowed to have pens and markers because she draws on herself. So then Grandma walks in the room and starts gasping like a fish so I look to see what she's gasping at, and 4K has written all over the couch, and on a side table in red marker. 4K immediatly starts bawling. A four year old did this?, I thought. I was so taken aback. I just stood there and Grandma put 4K face first into a corner for a really long time. Personally it's not how I would have handled it, but since it was her house I didn't stand in the way of her discipline. I was just really shocked. I would expect that from a two year old, but a four year old knows that's wrong. So I've been wondering what made her act out like that. Perhaps its because she wasn't getting attetion since I was reading my book and Grandma was cooking. I really don't know.

On a good note, 9K finished his report, and did a fantastic job. We broke it into 4 parts so he wouldn't have to sit forever and get bored and stressed. It was really great to see him work so hard. I wrote a note for his teacher in his writing folder that said we were very proud of him. :)

Funny moment: The ex asks if 9K got his report done, and I said, "Yes he did."
And she goes, "Well then I'll go ahead and e-mail the teacher."
So I told her, "Don't worry about it! I already talked to her."
The Ex: "Oh...this week?!"
Me: "No, but she knew that I would be working on it with him and she lent me a class writing book (show exhibit A), gave me his writing notebook (show exhibit B), and knew it would be in on Monday."
The Ex: "Well I bet it was really easy because, I mean, he looked almost done with it."
Me: "Actually no, it took a lot of hard work on his part because it was not even near close to done. He had an Idea. I don't consider that, "nearly done"
The Ex: "Oh."

Slowly but surely the tide turns in my favor...

:) I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving! C and I had a nice little dinner by ourselves Thursday then with his parents and the kids on Friday. (Then I went and got drunk with my friends...I sooo deserved my girls night out!)

9K cont.

2007-11-20T00:56:00.000-08:00

Wow, that's the most comments I've ever gotten on a post! I'm really glad when I see people put time and energy into commenting on my page. I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts.

So to answer my own questions about what the Ex thought more on me overstepping...Nothing more. I guess it was a fleeting thought because she asked us to watch them Sunday and everything was business as usual. 9K asked what I met with his teacher about, it was so cute. He goes, "Was it a bad meeting or a good meeting?" and I said, "It was just a meeting to talk about things." and he goes, "Oh, so it was a...creative meeting?" and I laughed and said, "Yes! Exactly! A creative meeting." and it was left at that. I cleaned his room and their bathroom with the help of a friend who is down visiting from Monteray. She had gone to church with us and was therefore dragged to the Ex's house. lol...The Ex went on and on about how she was thankful I cleaned and was super nice without a hint of sarcasm or meanspirtedness. (is that a word?) No mention of the meeting, nothing. I'm glad. I didn't want things to be awkward because as far as our relationship goes, we get along. There is no screaming or name calling between us, (C and her is another story though) I keep my thoughts about her parenting skills to myself and we just go on all hunky-dory-like. As a person she isn't bad. Honestly if we were the same age we would probably be friends. But as my future stepchildrens mother? Depressing. C put it really well, "Honestly Ex is doing the best she can. Unfortunatly for the kids, this is her best. She lacks the capacity to care about anyone but herself, and it's sad, but true." And I agree.

Funny Moment:
My friend was all hackles up when the Ex got home because she is super protective of me. I told her to be sure and be polite. Well, the Ex looks at 9k's room, and we had stacked the bags and bags of trash outside the room in the hallway, and the Ex goes, "I hate seeing this trash in the hallway, I think I'm going to just put it all back in 9K's room for now..." Hahahhaha I saw my friends face turn purple. We suggested putting it in the trash can outside. Which we did. When we left my friend was like, "OH MY GOD. K, you weren't kidding! Who does that?!"

Sweet Sweet 7K...made a turkey with feathers that had what she was thankful for written on them. One said, I'm thankful for my mom and dad because they are nice to me. The next one said, I'm thankful for my sister because she plays with me. The next one said, I'm thankful for my teachers because they are nice...and then...on a hot pink feather...it said, I'm thankful for my step mom because she lets me play with her hair. :) *heart swelling with love* Nothing beats that feeling. I would sit through a lifetime of crappy bad news parent teacher conferences just for that feeling. :)

Not Involved vs. Too Involved

2007-11-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

As I said in my last blog, Thursday I went to a meeting with 9K's teacher. I guess the ex was under the impression C was going (not me) but flipped her bucket when she found out just I went. She didn't want either of us setting up this meeting, saying that we were wasting the teachers time as Ex had already been to the meeting we couldn't attend and "told us everything" uh huh. Right. I will believe that the day she admits she's a horrible parent as well.

The meeting went well. The teacher is maybe 3 or 4 years older than me, so we got along great. She really likes 9K, making it a point to tell me that although he struggles so badly he is a sweet kid, and you usually don't see those two together. Troublemaker in class, bad grades but he brings her candy bars and gives her hugs. It's so sad because I know it's all just a lack of parental teaching. I believe strongly that a parent is a child's first teacher, and if you teach your child he can walk all over you, disrespect you, cuss and do what he pleases how well do you think he's going to do when he waltzes into society and gets bitch slapped by the world? Not well I can assure you. It sets him up to have a life long struggle with authority. I wish I had written this yesterday when it was all still buzzing around my head. We discussed the lack of follow through on the Ex's part. 9K is supposed to go on a trip to Sacramento in March and when teacher met with the Ex, the Ex went into her money problems (oh my god, who does this with complete strangers?) and teacher felt so badly for the Ex she made a huge chart for 9K, with days, and goals and everything. Gave it to the Ex and 9K was supposed to get a sticker every day he did his homework and would earn 2 dollars from mom toward the fifty dollar deposit on the trip. Teacher never heard another thing. (we never even knew about this.) Next we know, she's begging C's mom for the fifty to put down for the trip. Then she tells the teacher she doesn't care about losing the deposit if 9K doesn't get to go because of his grades. *snort* of course she doesn't care. It's not her money. Teacher tells me that she gave up checking 9K's homework binder for signatures because it was never done. Same with his reading log. It was downhill from there. I asked if 9K smelled okay in school and she said she was glad I brought that up because she meant to mention it to the Ex that he reeked all the time. (oh great.) I told her about how they don't get frequent showers, and the living conditions at their home leave much to be desired. She said she suspected as much. I brought up the fact that C and I have been really discussing having 9K come live with us during the week next year, (we just live too far right now, but we are looking for a place closer to them) and she said, I think the situation is drastic enough that he should move to your house NOW. That hit home. She wasn't defending the Ex (which I honestly thought she would do) and has put it to me that unless there are significant changes ASAP, 9K will slide farther and farther into the sinkhole he's in. I asked her if he will get out of 4th grade this year, and she came back with a great answer. She told me, "the question is not 'if' he will graduate 4th grade, it's 'should' he graduate 4th grade? Will holding him back hurt or help? the gap becomes wider every year but the repercussions of repeating a grade are big too." I thought that was a very insightful way of putting it. I'm wondering myself if he should or shouldn't.
So I get home, and when C gets home I discuss everything the teacher told me, showed him the writing book I was loaned to get 9K's report done over the holiday, and then the Ex calls. Screaming that I'm trying to take her place. (umm no, and I wouldn't be doing this if SHE was doing her job like we've told her to do a THOUSAND BILLION times!) So C and her start yelling (pretty usual) and C brings up the idea of 9K living with us and she goes "that will never happen!" Even though those were the arrangements when they first separated. So C tells her that it will be on her shoulders then when he doesn't get out of 4th grade and she is holding him back and impeding him from being the kid we know he can be. So we'll see where that goes...

I saved the best for last. Get. This. So Teacher and I are talking, and another teacher walks by and I get introduced as 9K's future step mom and she goes on about how much she likes 9K and, 'oh btw did Teacher give so-and-so 9K's medical tests'... huh. What tests? Teacher tells me that the Ex is...get this...trying to prove 9K has a learning disability so she can get out of doing any homework with him whatsoever. Make it so he has a special tutor for 'special' kids. Can you believe this? The boy does NOT have anything remotely close to a learning disorder. Yes, he is jumpy but dear lord introduce me to a 9 year old with a high level of testosterone that isn't! 2 years ago the Ex took the boy to get tested for ADHD and the tests showed negative. She dragged him to every doctor she could find until she found one that would give him meds. She never told C, and the only reason he found out was because 9K was acting so weird. All he wanted to do was lay on the couch, (and this is a super super active kid) so he questioned the Ex and she said, oh I put him on meds. *sigh* Needless to say, I'm glad I wasn't around for that fight. Neither C or I believe in medication for ADD or ADHD because it is just a ridiculous way for parents with high energy kids to dull them down. That's fine if you disagree with me, but hey, then don't be asinine and let your baby watch TV. It rewires their little brains and they develop ADD later in life. There are many ways to go about 'fixing' a child who has 'ADD' Set schedules. Stick to routine, don't drag things out...lots of things. Personally I think our society on a whole has ADD. But enough of that. The point is she is trying to prove he has a learning disability! When he clearly doesn't! Just so she can get out of helping him and blame it on something other than herself! UGGGH!

How I feel right now:
frustrated over all
impatient to move and get custody of 9K
nervous about working on his report with him
scared about what his mom has said to him about me 'overstepping'
glad I finally got to set the record straight and let the teacher know C and I are there for 9K

Any advice?

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

2007-11-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

OOOh. If there is one thing I hate, I hate when kids old enough to know the difference between truth and lies, lie to me. This past weekend we were told by the Ex that 9K had a writing assignment that he had not done in school that HAD to be completed. 9K told us that he had to do it Friday in ISS (in school suspension) because it was due sometime during the week, yet not completed. There was no red writing folder in his backpack, so we trusted him. He swore up and down it was done, and at school. I e-mailed his teacher letting him know what the little manipulative turkey had said, and I hoped so badly to hear back that he was being honest. Nope. This the e-mail I received back from her.

-----------

Hi K,

It's nice to see how many of you are pulling for him!--(What? All 2 of us?)-- As you know, 9K can be very manipulative. He knew he had to bring that home and that I had contacted his mom to have him finish the assignment. This is not the first time that he "doesn't have the materials" or "finished it at school."

I agree that patient, one-on-one help is essential for him. In a school setting we are not afforded the time we need to do this to the extent that 9K needs it, so it is imperative that he have home support. I have met with his mom and know that unfortunately this isn't possible daily. Knowing you have him on Wed. is great. I can send home anything requiring extra attention for you then.

If you'd like to come in and meet I am available today and Thursday. With the break coming up it would be best to do it asap. Today we could do any time between 1 and 2, or Thursday between 8 and 2. I'd think 20-30 minutes should be enough.

Please let me know which works.

-Teacher

---------------------

So I am meeting her on Thursday to discuss this. It irratates me that all the information about how he is doing goes to his mother and we don't hear anything until after the fact. I for one, want to ground him. Not because he didn't do the assignment, but because he lied straight to our faces for 4 days about it. I want to ground him until all his grades improve. I want to ground him until he goes a month without a single report from the teacher about not completing his homework. I want to ground him till he's 30. When I lied as a competent child that's what happened to me. All privileges revoked, no friends, no TV, and a serious talk about trust that made me wish my parents would just yell and be mad. Disappointment is far worse than anger. This kid is not going to pass 4th grade at this point. At his school they have the 'character pillars', which promotes the motto, "Character Counts"
When they violate one of the 6 pillars, they get sent home with a 'character card' to sign stating which pillar was violated, what happened and a statement from the child on how to change his or her actions to not let it happen again. We just found out he gets these daily. He usually gets more than ONE daily. A packet was shoved way down in his back pack that was SO full of these I was astonished. The Ex never breathed a word of this! This seriously sets off red flags for me as an aspiring teacher. How do we move past this? Here are the 6 pillars of character. What a fantastic thing to teach in schools, I think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trustworthiness
One of the Six Pillars of Character is Trustworthiness. Here are some of the trustworthy behaviors we will be focusing on at school.
-Be honest
-Stand up for what you believe in.
-Keep your word.
-Return what you borrow.
-Keep promises.
-Be your best.
You can be watching for these positive behaviors in your child. When you see trustworthiness in action, show your appreciation through a compliment.
A great way to teach your child about this character trait is to discuss the trustworthiness of people in the news. This is a wonderful way to talk about current events as well as popular people’s images. What do the words and actions of movie stars, musicians, politicians, and other public figures say about their character? Are they trustworthy?

Respect
One of the Six Pillars of Character is Respect. Here are some of the ways Respect is shown:
-Courtesy
-Politeness
-Appreciation of individual differences
-Respecting others’ rights
At home, your whole family can work on being more polite and courteous to one another. Often people “forget their manners” around those with whom they are most familiar. When you raise the standards in this area, you’ll be pleased at the change.
You might also focus on the unique qualities of your family members. Each day during meal time, for example, you might all name a good trait for one person. For example, “Dad is a good storyteller. He makes me laugh. I like Dad’s pancakes.” By focusing on what each person does well, you are appreciating that person’s unique abilities. This idea can be carried outside the home, helping children to see that people who are different from you and your family have unique abilities to be admired and respected.
Have fun practicing Respect!

Responsibility
One of the Six Pillars of Character is Responsibility. We will be working on being reliable, setting a good example for others, and doing our best. A good way to reinforce responsibility at home is to give your child chores or tasks to do. The goal is to have children complete their work on their own, without reminders from you, and on time. When you assign responsibilities to family members, be sure the task is understood and a time frame for getting it done is clear. You might need to check on progress from time to time, especially if the job is a new one.
It is a great idea to plan with your child a regular schedule for him or her to use in completing homework and other school or extracurricular activities. Often students need a structure and a time frame in which to complete their responsibilities on their own.
Responsibility also can include having self-control, choosing to have a positive attitude, and being persistent.

Fairness
Fairness is one of the Six Pillars of Character. At school we will be talking about ways to promote Fairness, such as:
-Be open-minded.
-Listen to others.
-Try to understand what others are saying and feeling.
-Be careful making judgments about others.
-Be consistent.
-Treat people equally and equitably.
When you hear the age-old whine, “It’s not fair!” from your child, ask him or her what is unfair about the situation. In talking through these problems, you can teach a good lesson on what Fairness is.

Caring
One of the Six Pillars of Character is Caring. We will be showing that we care about one another at school through kindness, sharing, compassion, and helpfulness. We will be remembering to treat others as we would like to be treated.
You and your family can show kindness at home by giving each other anonymous ‘secret buddy’ notes, doing small chores as a surprise for others, and family members can ‘catch’ each other in the act of kindness.
Being charitable is another way of demonstrating Caring. Together as a family, you could select a group, a cause, or a needy individual to help. Putting other people’s needs in front of your own, is a good way to show that you care about them!

Citizenship
One of the Six Pillars of Character is citizenship. Here are some of the ways good citizenship is shown:
-Play by the rules.
-Obey laws, and respect authority.
-Do your share of the work.
-Be charitable, and help by volunteering your time.
-Be good neighbors.
-Protect the environment and conserve natural resources.
It would be wonderful if your family could discuss ways to be a good citizen. A way for your child to practice citizenship would be through following family rules, school rules, and game rules. Volunteering to help others and taking care of the environment are ways to show good citizenship. Perhaps you can recycle more, plant trees on special occasions, or participate in litter cleanup projects.
Have fun practicing good citizenship!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I'm going to print these out and put them on the fridge and starting giving out my own character cards. Perhaps that would help him. Consistency is the key. If he gets it all week in school, plus at our house maybe that will help him. That is all he needs. Consistency! I wish so badly he had the support system he needs so desperately...I see now why C wants him to live with us and just visit his mom, instead of the way it is now. I want him to have the brightest future possible. He is such an amazing, loving, talented and smart kid I hate to see things in the mess they are now because of a wretched divorce. It's just not fair to the kids. Luckily it's only 9K. His sister, 7K, loves school and homework. Hope everyone else is having a good school year! Go out and build some character!

What's wrong with this picture

2007-11-13T00:50:00.000-08:00

To expand on the stinkiness of my youngest step daughter...4K and her sister share a room at their moms house...and it is SOO SOOOOOO filthy. I can't even begin to describe the filth. Knee deep. How's that? Well today I had the kids by myself because it's a holiday so I didn't work and they didn't have school. Which also means... I had to drop them off. Alone. *dun dun dun* I asked the Ex if she would mind me cleaning the kids rooms when I got there because then at least maybe I could do SOMETHING to spare them the vile mess they live in. So the Ex said sure and by the way she wasn't going to be home and oh, would I be so kind as to watch the chillins until she gets back? (half an hour she swears) So she left at one, I didn't get to her house till 1:30 and ummm she didn't get home till 6:30. But I certainly kept myself busy! I spent those entire 5 hours cleaning the girls room! I didn't take a single break. It was so disgusting. My teenage dirty brothers room isn't as bad as this was. She claims they have no clothes...Well maybe that's because they are on the bottom of the knee deep piles of TRASH. I can't even begin to tell you how foul it was. I am one of those weird people that gets personal satisfaction out of organization and tearing apart a whole room and redoing EVERYTHING doesn't really daunt me. I gutted it. I took all the furniture out. I took all the toys out (that I didn't throw out!). Then I had to vacuum like 20 times because the carpet was SO dirty. Then I got down on hands and knees to pick melted crayon off the carpet. Most of their clothes were in their brothers room, so I retrieved them, moved the dresser out of the closet (I know, What is that in their for?) and rearranged the furniture and put all the clothes in their designated drawers and all the toys I didn't throw away finally had a home in the fully shelved closet that was previously completely blocked off by the dresser. Oh and get this. The dresser was full of clothes! Buut...you know what size these clothes were? 6 months-18 months. That's right. A girl who wears 4T and a girl who wears size 7 live in this room. And their dresser was chock full of baby clothes. Yucky baby clothes at that. I mean, I understand saving precious memorable stuff. But seriously, this was just crazy. So I took out all the clothes that were 20 sizes too small and put them in a big box in HER room! :) I let her know she could go through them if she pleased. They had shoes (piles and piles of shoes) that didn't fit either of them that were just trashed and gross. (again, nothing to save) Not a single thing was folded. 7K kept her clothes in a broken drawer under her bed, because there was no where else for her to put them. It was downright depressing. But, it is beautiful now. Clean, organized...ahh...So the Ex gets home and you know what she says? "oh. thanks....you didn't do 9K's room?" *pause* WHAAT WOMAN?! I just spent 5 hours doing the most back breaking cleaning I've ever had to do in a child's bedroom and all you have to say is 'gee why didn't you do his room too?" This is where in my head I'm smacking her. She. Just. Doesn't. Get. It. It is beyond her range of understanding.
How did she get past the point in evolution where we walked on two legs? Her responses to seemingly easy-respond situations astound me. Does anyone else ever look at their fiance/husband and think, "Wow. What drug was HE on when he married this wacko?" Because I do. All the time.

How did she get past the point in evolution where we walked on two legs?
In other news. I have decided that stressing myself out about the condition in which the children arrive in our care is not worth the time and effort. Yes. They are dirty. Yes that is bothersome. But I'm NOT, I say, NOT going to spend the next fourteen years stressing over the minor things. They are fed. They are alive. It's nothing a good bath, and a washing machine can't fix. *happy note* I taught 7K how to wash her own hair today. That should up her cleanliness level. She was pretty excited about being able to do it all by herself. Oh and before I left the ex's house...7K grabs me and drags me up to her newly beautified room and asks me to pick out her outfit for the next day. (standard procedure with C and I at night) It made me smile. I'm glad to see I'm rubbing off on them. :) Perhaps there is luck for their future living spaces after all...

Nobody Likes The Smelly Kid...

2007-11-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

Everyone can remember this kid. The one who's hair was so greasy it shone like someone put crisco in it. Their clothes were torn or just plain filthy. Their shoes had duct tape on them. We made fun of this kid. We teased them behind their back. The really mean kids teased them to their face. We just thought they were dirty. Did anyone as a small child sit back and think, oh, it's the parents fault? No, of course not.

I'm horribly embarrassed to say, on Friday when picking up 4k from daycare, I was told in very plain terms that I, Queen of Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, am stepmom to, "The Smelly Kid" I turned bright red. I almost called the Ex right there on the spot. The daycare providers told me that THEY are now giving her baths because she is so dirty. That she comes there in the same clothes day after day after day. That sometimes she's in pjs and the Ex says, "She fought me on getting dressed so she's just wearing this." It's decently cold outside, and she's wearing a summer dress when I pick her up. Her hair stinks. They tell me that they will do her hair on a Thursday and she comes in with it still done Friday and then..STILL on Monday. She will go a week without a bath from her mother. One even told me she babysat at the Ex's house and was so disgusted she never went back. I was horrified. They told me they knew it wasn't me...and said they want to tell the Ex to start acting like a MOM because I guess she complains to them about everything and why she can't seem to get a 4 year old into the bath tub. They said that at least 4k has two good parents who care. *sigh* at least they know it's not me. This is the first time I've picked her up by myself from daycare. I was so mortified. I just...I just don't know how someone who calls themselves a mom even DARES to let her child become "The Smelly Kid" I've discussed 50/50 custody with C. It's just unfortunate we don't live closer to their school to make it possible right now. In the summer I really want to push for it though. 2 weeks at our house, 2 weeks at hers. I think it would be good for everyone.

To add to it all 7k and 9k are just as bad. 9k is to that age where he can take a shower, but he just gets wet. Then he gets fuuuuuurious when you tell him he smells like wet dog and to get right back in and wash. 7k still takes baths for the most part, so she is usually just as stinky as 4k. Their breath REEKS when we pick them up. I don't think they are brushing their teeth. That or they eat poop when no ones looking.

It doesn't help that the Ex lacks personal hygiene as well. Her hair is always streaked with grease and nasty looking.

It's gut wrenching to think they live like this, and that in their minds it is acceptable. It's OKAY to wear shoes with duct tape around them because your mom says she's too broke to buy you new ones. It's OKAY to own only one pair of boxers, and your mom packs underwear 4 sizes too small because you don't have anything else. We give her money and she says she has to use it for bills and "next time" she'll buy you boxers. It's OKAY that all your clothes are filthy and your hair's never brushed. But yet, it's WEIRD that I want you to bathe and I enjoy doing your hair and picking out your outfits for the morning. It's STUPID I make you brush your teeth. It's MEAN you can't wear your shoes that are half duct tape. It's MEAN your dad makes you take a second shower because you didn't wash. We're MEAN because we don't let you eat crap all day long and expect you to eat your dinner.

How warped will this make them? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I just some freak who 'doesn't really know' because they aren't mine? I'm fed up. I want to smack her. Right upside her greasy head. Even if that means getting on a step stool to do so because she's so much taller than me. I want to scream, "REALITY CHECK!" in her ear. I wish we had them full time so they would know that people shouldn't live like that. Are they going to grow up dirty? Or will they be perpetual clean freaks because of it? So many questions and never any answers.

-The step mom of the smelly dirty kids (except Wednesdays and every other weekend)

The intricate balance beam act

2007-11-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

As many before me have said, Stepmotherhood is a balance between caring too much and not caring enough. This came out in it's truest form on Halloween. Speaking of, I hope everyone had a really good one!

For all intensive purposes I knew that 9K was going to be off with his friends for the evening and I was well aware of the fact I wouldn't see him. Just for the record. So when I called C after trick-or-treating with my sister and he said we weren't going to see the girls, after countless promises that I would be there, needless to say, I got a little pissed. I guess we weren't going because the Ex's father was going to be walking with them as well, and C and Ex's Dad don't get along. Well I told him in a very colorful way that no matter what he did, I was going. I wanted to see the girls, I promised to see the girls and I. Was. Going.

When we got there the Ex was exhausted (after 2 streets? lol) Her dad had gone home, and she told us to take them the rest of the way because she needed a glass of whine, oops I mean wine. So we took the girls alone and it was very nice. I thought all was well until the car ride back. Silence is never good. So I ask whats wrong and I got REAMED about wanting to see the girls but apparently not wanting to see 9K. But. But. But. I knew we weren't going to be seeing him!! I don't understand! Now I don't care?! What?! I didn't even know where to go with this. He thought I didn't know that 9K was going with friends, and I just didn't even care to see him. *ugh* This took a lot of talking to smooth out.

How do you deal when you favor one step child over another?

As it is, I am particularly fond of 4K. I have a soft spot for little ones, especially cuddly little ones. Sometimes I need reminders that there are 2 other kids that also relish my affection. I really have a hard time realizing this because I was raised that attention and affection were directly proportionate to your age and size. As you get older physical affection turns to verbal praise, and attention is greatly paid in areas of art, sports and academics. No, I'm not going to watch you blow up the guys on the computer game nor am I going to squeal gleefully when you sneeze into a glass. But show me your finished homework, or a new trick on your skateboard and I will watch and praise until the sun goes down.

I guess it all goes back to that I was never a physically affectionate child. My mom said from day 1 I pushed her away and she cried and cried saying I didn't love her. I'm just not in snuggle mode 24/7. Especially if you are sticky or dirty.

And now, an excert from Linda Goodmans Sun Signs about the Capricorn Woman :) This is so very much me.

She'll probably instill both thrift and a respect for quality in the youngsters. She'll teach them to "Eat it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." Still, they'll be served the best cuts of meat, and she'll buy them the finest make of shoes. To her, economy does not have to mean cheap. The children will be expected to be polite to relatives and elders, and they'll probably learn excellent manners. They won't be pampered or allowed to willfully disobey. Sticky kisses may not be welcome, but few mothers are more devoted than the female goat. Her children will get a courteous listening ear. She may be a little strict and unsympathetic to their growing pains, but she'll be a fascinated audience for their achievements. The child who runs home from school and shouts, "Guess what I learned today," won't be ignored by the Capricorn mother, who will never be too busy to give her youngsters her interest and attention. After they become teenagers, she may need some help in understanding her children's enthusiastic dreams. She may leam the hard way that she can't dictate their friendships and confine them to "acceptable" people. But she's intelligent enough to adjust and pull in her horns if it looks as though she'll lose more than she'll gain.-

So honestly, how is one to deal when you favor one child over the others? Since they are not your biological children you certainly do not love them all the same nor should you be expected to. They are just like every other person you have met, some you click with and some you don't. I do love all three, don't get me wrong. But when I go shopping...I buy things for 4K. I probably spoil her more than her brother or sister. C finally told me he does know that I love 4K most, but reminded me of the 2 others who want attention too, even though my upbringing would lead me to believe my attention is needed, yes, but not on a constant/all the time basis like 4K, since she's the smallest. Please my dear fellow writers, tell me what you do, when you favor one more than the others???

Fires cont.

2007-10-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

So we survived through the fires. Life has been SO hectic since then that I've no time to post. First off, thank God none of my family lost their homes. Only 3 members of our church lost theirs which is a miracle because our church is right beneath the worst burn area.

Well, that's good at least. On a bad note, a lot of people are losing their jobs. Including C. He was working for a rain gutter company doing sales and canvasing but HEY! No one gives a rats ass about home improvement right now because, one, lord only knows how this is going to affect the economy, and two, who is thinking about rain gutters when fire season isn't even over for 2 more months! My dad is worried about his job and he is a VP for a very large title company. Real estate is going down the tubes...*sigh* How depressing.

Okay I'm done with my pity party. :) Cutest thing this weekend: We were all watching the movie Torque and I was oogling the hot main guy, Ford (Martin Henderson) and I told the girls that he's my boyfriend and C says "He's fou-fou." So I start laughing and denying his 'fou-fou-ness'. The kids don't say anything at this moment. A few minutes later, C and I get up to step outside for a smoke and 4K comes around the corner before we walk outside, and says, "K?" and I say, "what honey?" and she goes "you're boyfriend's fou-fou." Then turns around and walks back into the living room. Haha, I don't care, I still think he's hot. :)

Fires

2007-10-23T19:18:00.001-07:00

Currently I'm in Lakewood. This is because I have been evacuated. My family got evacuated and wanted me with them...So C is in San Diego still, the kids are down near the stadium with their mom at her friends house because they were evacuated as well...Everyone please pray for our safety... This is so scary. My brother's friend's new house they had just moved into 3 days ago burned down. One of our old houses in Rancho Bernardo burned as well. All my friends and family are evacuated...Everyone except C's parents thank god.

God have mercy on us all. Thank you in advance for your prayers....

Troubled Waters

2007-10-20T00:33:00.001-07:00

As I have previously mentioned, the Ex and I get along fairly well. As far as ex's go, she is decent in my book. Buuut, good things never last do they? Last weekend we had to drop the chillins off early because we had a friends baby shower to attend. This is the SECOND time in all the times we have ever had them that we had to drop them off earlier than four. She starts laying in on us about how "that's her only time alone and are we going to be able to keep them longer next weekend because she can't keep doing this" and then she continues with "oh I see you took the kids shopping and bought them clothes well, 7K doesn't have any jeans did you get her those? No?! What? Why not!! blah-de-freakin-blah"
... I'm confused. Did I miss something? Where was the psycho memo? All of this in front of the kids too. So I'm standing in her kitchen, in between her and my future husband, and they are screaming at each other. Talk about uncomfortable! Then, to make things more fun, Monday I went shopping to buy 7K jeans because apparently we're psychic and knew she didn't have jeans but just wanted to stilt the child, and so I call the Ex for her size. I'm pretty sure she's a 6 because she's really skinny. That conversation is quick, to the point, and done. I don't enjoy calling her and feel really awkward doing so when C is not around. So I go to pick C up from his class and she calls right when he gets in the car. She then proceeds to tell me that she 'wants to talk to me when C is not around because I ''understand'' and she told him she wants new years eve and did he talk to me about it?' 'uh, no he hasn't actually because we are already making plans to go to Vegas for new years because January is a big month for us. It is both our birthdays and also the month we announce our engagement' She then launches into a tirade about how she NEEVER gets New Years eve (except last year) and how dare he plan anything when he promised her he would have the kids?!
At this point I've lost the capacity for speech. C is mouthing to get off the F-ing phone with her this instant, but she won't shut up! Then she tells me that she wants us to have the kids during the week to spend the night at least 1 night. Ummm, last I checked they go to school about 40 minutes away from us with no traffic! That would mean sitting in traffic for over 2 hours to get them to school then try to make it back to work? no. I don't think so. At this point C is making hand gestures and is about to tear the phone from my ear so I tell her I really have to go and lo and behold, she continues her rant! I'm holding the phone in my lap telling C that she WON'T shut up and I can't just hang up on her! So finally I get off the phone with her, and C immediately calls her from his phone and starts yelling that 'she can't do that, just because I'm nice and I listen to her, those are his kids and he's the one she needs to talk to and not get me involved' And when that man yells...the world shakes and babies cry. So needless to say I almost start crying.

Someone tell me WTF happened here? Why in God's name did she call me? I understand he yells, and it's scary, but damnit woman you've been putting up with it for almost 10 years! Not my place! Why is she rocking the boat? *sigh* I don't get it.

Babies, Kids and Vasectomies, oh my!

2007-10-11T13:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I sat C down and told him how I really felt about IVF. I know he had expressed that was the route he wanted to take, but just the thought makes me cringe. I'm too young to be undergoing fertility treatments. I cried and told him I wasn't trying to be selfish, and I know that's a major surgery to get a reversal, not to mention expensive, but it would just mean so much to me to do it naturally. He told me he understood, and will do it! I felt so much better! As we were driving to pick up the kids from their Wednesday church groups he said, "Well, pretty soon after the wedding we will have to get that taken care of so we can start trying!" I was sooo happy. :) I love my man.

something I haven't talked about yet...

2007-10-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

So far in this blog I have done a lot (by my standards). I started something that I actually intend on keeping up, and have done so. I've talked about the step kids and also my work (more kids). I've mentioned my fiance more than once, and shared a bit about myself as a person. There is one more thing I haven't really shared, that I need some advice on.

How does one go from being a childless weekend stepmom to having your own kids as well?

My biggest fear in life is not being able to have kids. Uterine tumors run in my family, and I've already had to have cryosurgery on my cervix to get rid of a precancerous growth. (I was 18 at the time) To add to my fears, C had a vasectomy about 3 years ago. So any children we have will be done in a cold laboratory in a petri dish. (See above pictures.) I have such a loathing for this procedure. It seems cold, unnatural, and damnit I don't want quintuplets. I never thought two little pictures like these could excite such extreme emotions. I look at the first and I feel sick. I hate needles. Cold. Wrong. The second makes me coo with longing. How sad. I never thought one of my fears would germinate (haha. no pun intended) out of a picture of egg and sperm. I want to wake up one morning and go throw up in a trash can. I want to wonder if my period's going to start. I want to take that stupid little test and jump up and down and run find my husband and tell him. I don't want to sit in a cold chair, being stabbed by 6 inch needles. I don't want to be told we have 5 living organisms in my tummy and now we have to choose which eggs to keep. I don't want to pay 10,000 dollars. I want the suprise. The knowledge that him and I made a baby together... through physical expression of our love, not in a petri dish. I am heart broken I don't get that. And to add to the 'fun-of-it-all' I have to accept this is nothing new for him. Yeah, whatever, already got 3, what's one more. But to me? It's my life. I hate HATE haaate his ex-wife today, purely because she got what I want so badly 3 times. The third one was a drunken/after seperation accident! I want an accident. Today for some reason is just a really bad day. I know I have to see her later, and it's not her fault but I can't help but feel this utter contempt for her breathing at this moment. *head in hands* Someone tell me how to shut off my biological clock...or where I can pick up 10 thou...thanks...

That adorable picture I promised.

2007-10-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Drawn by my loving 7 year old future bonus daughter :) I asked, what's this heart with the maze? And she said it was the maze of her heart and when I got to the 'finish X' I got a big hug and kiss. It doesn't get cuter.

Just. Stop. The. Screaming. Please.

2007-10-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

For the love of God. Stop.

Leiven finalllly fell asleep. This is the moment Conan (whose mom spoils him rotten) decides WE MUST go upstairs where the baby is sleeping. This house echo's so much there is no way we wouldn't wake Leiven if we did that, so I block the stairs and tell him no, we can't do that but we can go outside/watch backyardagins/play with toys/eat crackers...ANYTHING. But no, he keeps grabbing my hand and dragging me back to the stairs, time and again, only to start screaming at the bottom of the stairs when I say no. Since I started writing this he's been standing next to me screaming. *sigh* He always gets his way if he crys long enough and I'm tired of it. He knows if he stands here screaming I (normally) would give in and let him have whatever he wants but noooo I'm not going to do that today. we are NOT waking the baby. Any ideas anyone? I mean, aside from Nyquil. lol JK JK!

~~~Continued~~~

I wound up violating all laws and giving Conan his blankie and binky. Hey, it stopped the screaming. :)

Mostly Work

2007-10-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

So it's Wednesday again, which means I have the 2 babies today...Leiven and Conan. It's so funny because the 9 month old beats up the older baby! He just grabs pacifiers out of Conan's mouth, lol good times.

Well, I quit the Tues. Thurs. job, so no more Aidyn and Grant. I feel badly because my job is such an emotional one, it's hard to put those emotions aside and focus on treating it for what it is, my job. C put it really well. He said, "K, look at like this. If you worked for a company and every day you got there and your computer was broken, they wouldn't fix it, no one around you had done their job and to top it off your paycheck was late/nonexistent, would you stick around?" No, of course not, no one would. But that was exactly the position I was in. C was great and role-played my phone conversation with the Crazy Mom and I was able to do it with out sounding like a blubbering idiot. I was quite proud.

I start my new job tomorrow, and I couldn't be more excited!

We had the kids last weekend...it was a pretty uneventful couple of days. I had to work Friday so I didn't see them at all. Saturday consisted of (A LOT) of whining. I don't know what the issue was but we went out to La Jolla to the tide pools and the hour before we left consisted mostly of tears from 7K, yelling from 9K and fussing from 4K. I told C maybe we just shouldn't GO because they were being so whiny. We went anyways and all three fell asleep on the way out there, and on the way home. I don't think they sleep well when they are with us...I dunno..or maybe they just aren't getting enough during the week. Sunday we went to a new church, CBC, community bible church. The pastor is so energetic and passionate and funny. He is an ex-con, the youngest entrepreneur to ever take a company public, a scam company but nevertheless...very interesting guy. We are excited to continue going there.

Alright, back to tiny cubes of chicken and the backyardagins :) Hope every one's having a great week!

Crazy Time!

2007-09-28T10:53:00.001-07:00

Phew! I know it's been a while since I had TWOOOO seconds to sit down and write something on here. So much to say!

First off: 4K had a great birthday! C and I went on a hunt for the perfect pinata and found one at a mexican party store for 9.99 that I could have easily smuggled myself across the border inside. (I *think* that might just be the way they are doin it now! haha JK) Thank god for living in California. Cheap pinatas, cheap fantastic mexican food...yum. Anyways! We did a Princess birthday (mostly Cinderella. Evil step mom. Go figure) and she loved it. It was a blast.

I wrote my first child support check. It made me really reallllly unhappy. But I did it, and I pictured the chillins eating good food for once. HAHAHA yeah right!

I applied for a job (and interviewed) working with a dance company for kids as a teacher. It's totally me! I'm way exicted.

I am quitting my Tues. Thurs. nanny job ASAP. Perhaps it's because I find her attitude about paying me to be, ooh, lackadaisical at best, or maybe it's because her house is filthy and I don't get thanked for cleaning it, or if I read a book while the kids play I get told that "she sees a lot of slack" and that the kids "honestly" tell her what they do everyday...(riiiight) and there are never any toys out when she gets home...(uh huuuh) So this is how their conversation goes I'm sure, "So my precious daughter and son --that I treat like crap and that don't respect me enough to spit on the ground I walk on--what did you do today with Miss K?" "nothing." "Oh nothing at all??--not that I should care because when I'm home I just scream and tell you to go watch Pearl Harbor movies--"well, Miss K read a book" says Aidyn. 'OOOH REALLY' says Crazy Mom, and next thing you know I'm getting reamed.

When, if she EVER asked ME, I would say, "Well we set up a play date with another three year old down the street. he came over and we all sat at the table playing playdoh and race cars in which I made about 200 "roads" out of play doh again and again. Then we had a snack, and cleaned up the play doh. We got our shoes and socks on, put together a whole bunch of sand toys and walked to the park. I helped each child across the monkey bars so many times people would have thought my shirt was supposed to be covered in shoe prints. We had another snack and some Gatorade, built a castle in the sand, chased bugs and...OMG Miss K read a book! while they played a game they made up, a game that didn't include me. Why was she so keen on remembering the book? Maybe because I told her I really liked it. That reading is important. That we can read a book when we get back. Who knows? Back at the house I again was asked to make 'roads' again and again and again for the hot wheels to be smashed into. Little friend goes home, brother comes home from Kindergarten with neighbor and I give Aidyn lunch, and next thing you show up. (This was just an 8-1 day!) You know why asking me would be a better choice? Maaaybe it's because I have a longer attention span and larger memory capacity than a three year old. JUST maybe.

That's like saying, there are no dishes in the sink...did the kids eat?! Yes, but -lo and behold- I am one of those thoughtful people on this planet. I clean UP after the children I watch. Sooo needless to say, Tuesday I didn't clean a damned thing. Nothing. Nada. The house looked exactly like it did when I got there. Trashed. And I left it that way. Then, I once again didn't get paid. Foul, evil, woman. A quick note to all the moms out there...KEEP YOUR NANNY/BABYSITTER HAPPY! The people that are prompt, (if you say you will be home by 10, don't call at 10:15 and say you'll be there in an hour, we have lives too.) pay well, (an extra 5 bucks here and there) and take the time to be nice, receive the best childcare. No one means to take it out on the kids when the parents suck, but it happens sometimes. I know there are Tues and Thurs where I just pop in a movie because, I'm -so- not getting paid enough to do everything that needs to be done around there.

Enough griping. Once I figure out how to use the scanner I have the cutest drawing 7K did for me last week. Yep. It says "I love you new step mom" :D

Yes, I know, I rule.

The Weekend

2007-09-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was our weekend, but on Friday C and I got in an argument, so I didn't see the kids at all on Saturday...which I felt kinda guilty but kind of good about. I have a way younger sister, she is almost 9 and I feel constant guilt about not spending enough time with her. So like any person who feels guilty about time with a kid, I spoil her rotten. So instead of spending my weekend with my future step kids every other week like I usually do, I spent it with her. I went to watch her cheer with Pop Warner, then went with my mom shopping and got a pedi, then that evening I took Princess to see The Nanny Diaries. It was relaxing. It was fun. I didn't have to act like a parent at all. I got to be the me I know better than this new K. The one who is 'stepping' into a role she doesn't quite have the full swing of yet. I got to mess around, buy and eat way too much candy and soda. Get Starbucks at almost 10 and then head home to eat yet more popcorn, throw bedtime out the window and watch Monster House till midnight. Laughing and breaking the rules. Then our parents got home, and they got to be the parents. They said "Bedtime, Princess. Make sure to brush your teeth. (5 minutes later) Princess we said now!" *sigh* it felt great to sit back and just be the sister. Revered, and stable in my position. My nuclear family is very concrete. Everyone knows their place. There's my dad. He is the hard working, all American dream guy. He has the beautiful wife, three beautiful kids and the house and toys to show for a powerful VP who hates his job. Book smart. Then there's my mom. Beautiful, I mean stunningly gorgeous. Stay at home mom. Backbone of our family. Doesn't have a clue how pretty she is. Shops at Loehmens but you would think she shopped at Saks or Neimens. Street smart. Then me, the eldest daughter, the first born. Headstrong, independent, leader, powerful, but too logical, emotionally cut off and a perfectionist. I never got caught doing most of the bad things I did when I was a teenager, went through a relatively short rebel stage but for the most part, did what I pleased and was allowed to do so because I was, "responsible." Book smart. Next is my brother, Athletic. He is kind and loving. The kind of kid who grows up wanting a family instead of a crazy job. Struggles with school. He is almost 18 but for some reason isn't allowed to do much of anything. And he's a good kid. Barely ever drinks or smokes out, captain of his football team, tries (somewhat) hard in school. Has good friends and a fantastic girlfriend. ( I soooo hope they get married) He kinda takes the brunt of everything. For one reason or another, it's usually his fault. He gets called, "the boy" a lot. Street smart. And last but certainly not least is my sister, the Princess. She is the absolute baby. She is the child I love dearly but could never handle being my own. She is a follower, the meek and mildest little mouse. As my sister I can stand back and appreciate all the finer aspects and makings of this type of personality. I can also see how she became that way. (I mean 4 other way older leaders in the house what option did she have really!) It's beautiful how graciously she bows to others wants and needs forsaking her own. She's humble even though we all spoil her rotten. She thinks before she speaks so as to never say anything hurtful. She hates fighting and confrontation. She would rather be bullied than say anything mean back. (The closest I ever got to beating the tar out of a 6 year old.) As my own child I would push her, I know. I would say, stand up for yourself! Hit back! It's an eye for an eye! But as my sister I can comfort her and love her and nurture this sweet side I don't have in myself. (And beat the tar out of anyone teasing her) She is my mini-me in looks, but in personality she is my opposite.

I know this is random but I believe when you move from one station in life, (college student, living a home, sibling, independent) to another, (working full time, living with someone, step mom to 3, less independence) you really need to sit back and sift through your past. Sift through who you are as a person and see how you can apply current knowledge to future experiences. So that's what I'm doing. I'm looking at my nuclear family's stability and positions and seeing how I can build the same stability in my new family. Even though it is a completely different set of people, I can find similarities that will help me, like corner stones. It's odd to shift into a different position in a family. One day I'm a future wife/step mom and next I'm just a big sister...

9K and school

2007-09-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

There is a lot going on right now between wedding planning/finances, but it's little things like what happened today that make me step back and realize how lucky I am. (Even if we're flat broke dealing with a repossessed car)

The ex called C today, and asked if I would be interested in attending the parent-teacher conference with her. Me. Not him. Me. 9K has a really hard time with school, and C doesn't help because he hates school and quit high school half way thru his sophomore year. He supports my ambitions to be a teacher saying if he had a teacher like me he probably would have done better. ;) I wish he would support his son in school a little more, helping him with homework etc. but he gets SO frustrated that he usually just avoids it. The ex works full time, and I guess just kinda crashes on the couch with a bottle of wine when she gets home and she doesn't do much either. So today I found out that if he doesn't improve drastically this year he is going to be held back and have to repeat 4th grade.

I think that is amazing that she wants me to go. She knows how enthusiastic I am about early education and I would LOOOOOVE to help 9K do better.

She earned some high marking points on this one. Or maybe she just wants to get me alone and poison me or something. lol. I could take her in a fight. It wouldn't even be fair. haha, just getting prepared!

But yeah, it's little things like that...her showing a thoughtfulness I didn't expect, it's one more step to successful co-parenting on this rough and tumble path. It makes me realize that in the big picture, we are doing alright. Our little family is stumbling, but at least we're stumbling forward. Now if we could just win the Lotto....

Tonight C and I went for drinks with friends of mine, and an acquaintance was there, and so we chatted and I asked how work was going, and she tells me that she's not working. I knew she worked for her family's business and so I asked what happened, and she tells me they are shut down! This company was about a 15 million dollar company and was doing very well, and she goes on to tell me that her father hired old old family friends, 2 guys, and they embezzled 3.5 million dollars in liquid assets. (cash) Her family lost everything. Her collage fund, their house, their cars, the business. Everything. They had to file bankruptcy and if any one's seen the laws that are in effect now for that, you know it's sooo much trickier than it used to be. No more chapter 13. 7 is now really 6. Creditors can trash your credit and come after you for everything you've got. Terrible. I couldn't imagine running a successful business one day, to barely being able to pay rent in a different place...to having nothing.

After C and I left, we looked at each other and I said, "wow honey that really puts our little problem in perspective." We got one of our cars repo'ed because of a bank error and C just started a new job and he can't miss work. Since he has to go job site to job site, I can't just drop him off. His dad (praise God) has lent C his car for last week and this week. I wish my parents were supportive...we have 5 cars between 3 of us that drive. 2 extras that just sit in the circle drive. They would never let that happen though. That's aiding and abetting to them. They are good people, and I love them dearly, but like every parent they never want to see me struggle or be with someone they deem 'less than me' (in other words, from the wrong side of the tracks) More on that later. But anyways, her problems put ours totally in perspective and we both agreed that although it is stressful, we can work it out. Wachovia bank is a BITCH. Just in case you ever thought of dealing with them...don't. They misallocated a 5 thou payment, marking it as a down instead of pre-monthly payments. No phone calls. No letters. Just Mr. Repo-man. *sigh*

On a side note, The baby was sneezing in my face all day, (I swear he waited until I was holding him facing me to sneeze) and now my throat is scratchy and my head is stuffy and I have a bad runny nose. Yippee. I might spend tomorrow working on my book, (did I mention I'm writing a book?) because most people don't want a sick lady taking care of their kids. And it's not exactly like I get sick pay. No show=No money. Oh well, I'll see how I feel in the morning. As for now, I'm eating a big bowl of chicken soup and going to bed.

Work

2007-09-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend felt really empty. C and I were sitting in the pool yesterday, and I looked at him and said, "You know, it feels really weird this weekend. Like we should have the kids right now." and he laughed and said, "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean"

I believe I've mentioned that I'm a nanny, but I don't think I've ever really talked about the kids I spend most of my days with. First, I have 2 brothers. 3 and 9 months. I have them 3 days a week. I'll call the 9 month old Lieven, (meaning: Loving friend) because he is just THE sweetest baby lovey munchins. :) The 3 year old I'll call Baldavin (meaning: Bold friend) He is the turkey that if you let out of your sight for-just-one-second he is gone. Off on an adventure all his own. He goes to preschool in the mornings while Lieven and I just relax and play. I enjoy these kids a lot.

The other 2 days of the week are spent with Grant (meaning: Great, Tall) and Aidyn (meaning: Little fire) Grant is 5, he is in kindergarten and is huge. Aidyn is 3, in the same preschool as Baldavin but I watch her on non preschool days. She is a spit fire. I wish we could wait until we know a kids personality to name them. Then the name you give them would really fit well.

There is one other family I watch midweek combined with Lieven and Baldavin.
Lalage (prnounced lah-LAH-yeh meaning: talkative, chatterbox) is 3, and in the same preschool as both Aidyn and Baldavin. Her little brother, Conan (meaning: little wolf hound) is 18 months.

Alright I know that was a lot. Imagine my poor brain, 6 kids plus my 3 step kids, PLUS random ones I watch here and there. lol It's a good thing I like kids huh!

I'm in school to become a teacher, mostly kindergarten/first grade I think. I never would become a teacher if these rules were still in effect!!!

Rules for Teachers in 1915 in the US
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:
* sweep the floor at least once daily
* scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water
* clean the blackboards at least once a day
* start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

BOOOOORRRING! haha what a crappy profession back in the day. Anyways, I hope everyone has a great week!!

Being Included Feels Great

2007-09-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

So, like I've said previously, I went to back to school night for the boy 2 weeks ago, so last night was back to school night for the *ahem* 7 year old. Yes. I have been calling her 6. But it's not my fault! Her dad said she was 6! From now on out, she will be 7K...lol. 2nd grade was way cute. We walked in, met the teacher whom I believe probably got her credentials when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and proceeded to admire all her 2nd grade art. All her little drawings and stories were cute. We got there before the ex, and she had this one that had 3 pictures, one of her swimming with someone, one of her camping and one of her just standing with 2 other figures under a rainbow. her story to go along with it was "I like going swimming with my mom" (What?! We both said, when the hell does she swim with her?! Later even ex said, I dunno, I really don't ever.) then "I like to camp with my dad and little sister" (Hmmmmpf, fine don't include me or Kyle) and "My family loves me because I get dressed" (huuuh?? none of us got this one.) So the ex gets there and we point out all the art/wall postings we've seen then sit. The ex sits in her seat, luckily there was an empty desk next to it which my fiance squeezed under and I sat in a chair next to him. I sighed, getting ready to endure more weird looks being the youngest there, and feeling bad because I want to volunteer and stuff like that but I just don't know what the etiquette is on that. Well anyways, the ex pulls out a notebook under all the pages where 7K had written a letter. and OMG OMG OMG GUESS WHAT IT SAID!?!! *clearing throat* verbatim. "Dear Mom and Dad and StepMom" I almost stood up and did a dance. This is my first reference from one of them as Stepmom. And in school no doubt! Where other people saw it! I'm not a secret! I thought maybe she would have written my name, but no, I got the pedestal of a pronoun. *yeeeesss!* I almost screamed HA! I DOOOO belong to this family! I. Am. Loved. I sat there with this huge huge huuuuge grin for the whole hour on cloud 9. C squeezed my arm and smiled a lot, knowing how good it made me feel to be included. All warm and fuzzy inside. :) I wanted to rip the page out and keep it. Hehe.

I found my place in this world. And it's right here with my family. I belong. I can't say how good that makes me feel, there are just no words to describe it.

Thank you everyone that has left comments, it's great to feel like people hear me and I'm not alone. I really really appreciate it!!!

Wedding Blues

2007-09-05T14:33:00.001-07:00

So I was using this free wedding planner site to organize myself and I went to check it today to revisit my planner/guestlist/budget and...it seems as if its fallen off the face of the internet. :( Can anyone recommend a new one? Or a good wedding planner book?

Thanks!
-K

Weird terminology

2007-09-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

Not much going on since the kids are back with their mom till tomorrow night...just thought of something funny C said this weekend. He asked if 6K and I changed together in the same room, and if she saw me naked. I thought it was a weird question since it wasn't the first time we've changed in the same room, I mean I'm modest, I turn my back and she turns hers, kinda like being in a locker room...but C asks "did she see your ya-ya?" I started laughing hysterically. Did you just say...ya-ya? and I said no, I already had my jeans almost pulled up when she walked in. Why? and he goes, oh you know she is getting so damned observant I'm sure she would run home and ask mommy why she has so much hair there and K doesn't? Then questions about me waving my 'ya-ya' around would come about and blah-de-freakin-blah. I repeat it was an odd question. I just raised my eyebrows and said ew. you just made me think about your ex wife's 'ya-ya'

haha anyways I just find the terminology 'ya-ya' to be hilarious. I've never heard him say that word before, and the 3 year old calls everything under her armpits her butt. no amount of correcting will stop it. I was leaning on the counter to get closer to the mirror to put on make-up and I was leaning on her toothbrush, and she goes "K. Your BUTT is on my toothbrush" lol it was cute.

I love to see 'em come, and I love to watch them go

2007-09-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

So for whatever reason, this weekend was kinda hard. We spent friday night, saturday AND all day sunday at the pool. I am amazed my hair is not bright green. I have really long light light blonde hair and (disgusting I know) I have yet to wash it since saturday morning. In my defense I was dragged into the pool time and time again so washing it would have been a waste of time anyways.

Cutest thing this weekend: Little known to me, C has been feeling really bad about what happened before back to school night, (he made the cardinal mistake of asking ME to babysit so him and his ex wife could go) I was so hurt, and I just said, No I'm sorry I can't do that. I'm not their babysitter. I do want to be involved in their lives and if you don't wish for me to go, that's fine, I'll stay home. But I'm not going to babysit on top of it. He apologized and told me that he didn't think I would want to go, (guys are stupid sometimes) but he was stoked that I wanted to and would love to have me come. His mom got so mad when he told her what he had asked me. Ha ha, I guess she reamed him about how rude and disrespectful that was to me. (I'm starting to like this woman) So anyways, yesterday we were being the rebels we are, went down the Welk Resort, snuck the kids and ourselves into their miniature water park and spent the afternoon there. So onto the cutest thing (I know, I dally) 9k asked for C to go down the water slide and he said no, I have to stay here with 3k and 6k. So 9k said, but K can watch the girls! and C (thinking he's putting me in the babysitter position again) says, no, that's not her job, she's not their mom. and 9k says, BUT SHE'S GONNA BE! (cuteeee!!) *sigh* precious. I laughed and later C said, well you know 9k is right, you ARE kinda going to be! Yep. I am.

Later I told C that I don't mind watching the kids in the pool/whenever, it's just when it entails letting you go so your ex can play house with you that I get upset. Not to mention, telling the kids that "that's not my job" may give them the idea that I don't care to watch after them and might just let them drown or something. He then tells me how guilty he's felt since the Back to school incident and doesn't want to put me in that position again. Sweet sweet man. After we get married, I will put up a wonderful photo of all of us. I want to get pictures taken, you know those classy WASP-y one's where everyone's wearing linens and we all look as if we just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. tan and smiling. Obviously anyone that believes that's how you come home from the beach with kids has NEVER been. The whole day it's 'there's sand in my food' 'he threw sand in my eyes!' 'there's sand in my swimmy!' (swimmy=bathing suit or strap on flotation device) The whole day revolves around sand. The drive home is miserable because everyone's tired and sandy, you finally GET home or if you're lucky just drop them off at the ex's (muah-haha) and bath time is a terror because (omg how do they manage to get sand IN EVERY ORIFICE) and then you try and get them to lie down in bed but they are so exhausted they just start making this high pitched, squeaky toy/dying giraffe noise which means 'I want to be downstairs with you.' but you send them back to bed...oor let them lay on the floor downstairs. watching spongebob. (brain-rotting garbage) *ahem* not to say that ever happens at my house. never. ;)

So the ex came to pick them up at 4:30 yesterday...it's the first time I've ever seen her come pick them up. We always do all the picking up/dropping off. I guess she has some indescribable fear of driving...? I think it's more like laziness, but hey...that's just me. I let out a big sigh after they left, and turned to C, who looked back at me so sweetly, and promptly stated, "let's go get drunk!" so we did. and I asked him, now what are you going to do in a few years when WE have kids? He'll be going, when are they getting picked up! and I'll be reminding him they stay with us because they're ours. He then came up with the genius idea of putting them in the ex's car when she picks up HER kids. haha...I can just imagine the phone call. "UMMM...you're kids were in the back row of my car. Again."

~Escaping-ly,
K

9K and Love

2007-09-02T02:01:00.001-07:00

About 2 weeks before C asked me to marry him he had a serious conversation with his 9 year old boy about it. They were sitting in the spa and I was swimming in the pool with the girls. I was sooooo nervous because every now and then I heard my name and I knew they were talking about me I just didn't know what. I was sure he was saying how much he hated me, because for the longest time the girls have said, "I love you K!" and I tell them I love them too, but 9K never really wanted hugs or that kind of attention from me, which of course I respected and just let it be.
I went to talk to C after their chat, and he started crying and I was about to throw up and leave but then he tells me through his tears that he is just sooo happy because his oldest, his son, his little man just told him that he loves me and thinks that if we got married that would be great. C doesn't cry very often. I've only seen it maybe 3 times in the past year. It was very touching, and almost made my heart burst with happiness that 9K actually loves me. Since then 9K has made a point of telling me he loves me, and seeking out physical attention from me. I think maybe before that talk he didn't think it was okay by his dad to do that, or that it was 'wussy' and 'girly'. (He is SUCH a boy. 110% B-O-Y) But whatever it was he thought, it changed that night. It makes my heart skip a beat every time he says he loves me, because I know that isn't a sentiment he shares lightly. He is a lot like his dad in that respect. His emotions are under lock and key. The girls are so cuddly and sweet, they just warmed up right away and within a few months were telling me they loved me. I just never knew what to do with 9K, so I just let him take his own path with me. I never wanted to push emotions on him because that just doesn't work with kids. It backfires on you. It's been a long year, but I'm so glad I chose that path of letting him get to know me and discern for himself his feelings for me. It has made us close. C said it's amazing for him to see that 9K loves me like he does.

It amazes me too.

-Happily in love with the most wonderful 4 people that have ever chanced their ways into my life.

Reflective Day

2007-09-02T01:18:00.000-07:00

So this weekend is our weekend to have the kids. I needed to go to the mall and pick up a pair of Juicy sunglasses, and so we all went. After we were done and we had loaded them into the car, fussing and whining and hot, I looked at my man and said, Oh my god we are insane for wanting to add more kids to this mix! and he started doing the crazy manic "HA HA HA" laugh and said Duh honey! Then we laughed together and I told him I wanted it anyways. :) He is 'fixed' so we can plan when we have kids and do the whole injecting me with spermies thing. *yippie* I've told him before that I really want one of each of my own, and then started harassing him about maybe having twins since we have control of this stuff...and he said he would do it for me.

That's love boys and girls. That is true love.

So I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on these horror ex-wife stories I've read, and one thing I was thinking about today is, I don't know if I could be even an ounce of how classy his ex is if I was in the same position... Imagine, you are married to this man for almost 9 years, have 2 kids with him married and one drunken night oops after the separation, things crash and burn hardcore in the last year mostly because he gets involved with bad people, bad things, and trashes your marriage. Of course there were problems before all of it, but he really does a doozy on ya. He leads this life for the next 3 years, undependable, in and out of jail, until he meets someone 17 years younger than you, after swearing off women/marriage/relationships. He screws things up with the girl too at first, but after almost losing that girl to that world, you watch him go through an amazing transformation, quit drugs, get a steady job... then to top it off he gives this girl the ring his grandpa made for his grandma but gave to him after her death for his true love. A rainbow of stones leading to his 'pot of gold at the end of the rainbow' the ring he never gave to you. you watch as your kids grow so attached to this girl, they cry in the morning because she's not there to do their hair. And yet you holds it all in, letting them love that girl. *sigh* then the kids come in one night when him and this girl drop them off screaming that "Daddy and K are getting married!!!!!" and you smiles thru gritted teeth as they go on and on about how they are going to be in the wedding, and 9K announces that he is going to call the girl mom too.
Believe me...I almost had a heart attack. I'm surprised the ex didn't fall over dead right then. I would have. I would have yelled. I would have screamed, NO! I'm your mom! but she didn't...she just kept her cool. I couldn't imagine having been dragged through hell and back with someone only to see that someone else, even someone so young can inspire and give something to that person you never could. Ugh.
One night my man, I guess I need a name for him too huh...how about just C, (oh and I'm K) :) anyways one night C was having a serious talk with me a few weeks after we had gotten in a HUGEEEE fight and I had left him because I couldn't stand the lying/drugs/fighting anymore, and he sat there and cried and told me I gave him something, sparked something in him she never could. That before me he had just been saying F*** it for so long that he almost did it with us...but he was ready to step up to the plate and get better for me. That was the night he gave me the rainbow ring. He has been proving himself over and over again since that night. He signed up for anger management, got a job, quit all drugs (I know, his job drug tests him every week) and we are working on communication. We have been able to curb our fights before they get out of control, and talk them out. Something that never had happened before. Okay I know this is soooo TMI but it feels good to say I am sooo proud of him because I know that was crazy hard to do. He gave up every friend he had, because in one way or another they were involved in that world. It's amazing the change when the person you fell in love with becomes that person you saw in them all along.

Anyways I believe I've wandered off topic. Mostly I just wanted to give a big cheer to all ex's that handle themselves with class. They do what's best for the kids, even if that means gritting their teeth, and letting them love another mommy figure. That must be incredibly hard. I know I probably couldn't do it. I would always sit there and beat myself up. What does she do/have/say that I don't that made him change for her and not for me? Yeah there is just no way. I told C that if we don't work out after having kids he's screwed because no woman on the planet will go, ooooh a man with 5 kids and 2 ex wives! YES! lol He said it wouldn't matter, because if anything happens with us, he's done. He says God put me here on this earth for him. To show him a different life, a path that leads up instead of towards destruction. To show him that true love is real and soulmates do exist. He never fails to make me smile. :)

So if you are an ex-wife with kids who actually accept and love their new stepmom, and you are classy, I salute you!!!!

Back To School Night

2007-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

So last night was back to school night for the oldest. I guess I need to think up names for all of them huh. I've seen some cute stuff like Hansel and Gretel but I think I'll keep it simple... oldest will be 9k, he's the boy. then there is 6K, girl. and 3K, girl. Luckily I never have to worry about the ex stumbling on this...doesn't even own a computer, much less know how to use one. Hell, 3K is obsessed with the song From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars and her mom thought when she was asking to hear Yesterday she meant the beatles...lol...contemporary music escapes her.

Anywho, like I said, last night was back to school night for 9k, so I went, along with my fiance and the ex. It was funny because here are all just these mom's and a few dads, (most of them a good 10-20 years older than me) I don't think there were any couples, just one parent from each household. And then theres us, not just one, but three! The teachers greeted me and I'm sure they were about to say, "The kindergartners room is over that way!" Because there is no way anyone would ever think I was old enough to have a 4th or 5th grader. But my fiance stepped in and rescued me, loudly introducing me as his fiance. It was funny, the teacher going "oh you must be 9k's mom! to the ex because she was sitting in his seat, and she goes yes! then she looks at my fiance and he introduces him self as 9k's dad sitting in someone elses seat next to 9k's and then she curiously looks at me, considering, I believe we are about the same age, and goes, "heeelllllllooooo?" Thank god my fiance is proactive. There was a quiz on how well you know your 4th/5th grader and so the three of us are all trying to answer the questions and we all got one right I think. One of the questions was 'what would your child wish for if they could have anything?' and my fiance goes, a motocross bike, and ex goes, 'oh you know it doesn't have to be material, he could wish for something else! yooou know!' while looking at my fiance with big eyes. and all I could think was omg what a beeeyoch to say that in front of me, and I hoped hoped HOPED he hadn't written he wished his mom and dad would get back together even tho I know that is a common childhood wish of divorced kids. So I went to get his answers next to his picture on the wall, and he had wished for a Lamborghini with nitrous. ahhh good boy. lol.

So I spend the next half hour explaining to each of them what learning point is and how to use a computer to access it. Not that it matters, since she doesn't have a computer and all my fiance knows how to do is check his e-mail and play poker. *sigh* Technology is SO wasted on the old.

Well, I get to do this all over again in two weeks for 6k. I would love to help in their classrooms since I have a really flexible schedule, but I don't know the rules/etiquette on that. Since I'm not legally their step mom yet and I'm not sure if that is solely 'biomom only' territory. I know she doesn't have the time/want to work in their classrooms, since she didn't fill out the volunteer forms... and scoffed when the teacher asked about it...if anyone reads this, lemme know what you think! Is that out of line? It's something I would love to do. I am in school to become a teacher anyways.

Another interesting point. I was reading some bridal magazine while lying on the beach with my man yesterday, and it said 48% of women wish they could take a hiatus from work to plan their weddings full time. I feel soooo lucky to have a job (that I La-La-Looove) where I have a lot of down time. I'm a nanny. :) I know aren't you jealous. I work for three families, all of which have two kids. So in addition to having three wonderful step children who love me, I have six wonderful kids I watch that are sweet as cherry pie and love me too! I'm wwucky I nnnooo (as the three year olds would say)

Entering the life of a childless weekend stepmom

2007-08-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

I prefer the term bonus mom, but people kinda look at you funny until you say, "I am their step-mom" and then that ah-ha moment crosses their face followed by the 'look' from the 9 year old to me, assessing we look more like brother and sister than step mom and step son. This is entirely probable since my youngest sibling is a year younger than my soon-to-be step son. Hey, it's not my fault he went from a woman old enough to be MY mother, to someone too young to be a biomom to a 9 year old. Since my fiance proposed I've been reading all these blogs from great step moms and have really enjoyed them. Many, many of them made me thankful for my situation, and a few made me want to call the ex-wife and personally thank her for not being like some of these evil EVVVVIL witches I've read about. (I couldn't bring myself to do it though.)

So, a little about me.

I'm 22, engaged to a man 10 years older than myself who has 3 wonderful children. I am blessed in the fact they love me very very much and I fully return the sentiments. They are 3, 6, and 9. I've read so many horror stories about stepmoms that dislike/barely tolerate or even dispise their step kids. I couldn't imagine feeling that way and WANTING to go through with the wedding! I would make like a bandit, if that were me...but luckily it is not. As far as ex-wives go, his isn't the worst, actually I think she could take a pretty high score compared with most of the ones I've read about. She doesn't hate me, doesn't say things to make the kids feel bad for loving me, doesn't alienate the kids from their dad and recognizes I'm not trying to take her place. I always want to be seen as a trusted adult who is still young enough to play. Mostly since their mom is so old she doesn't get very physical with them, so I make it a point to play with them in the pool, on the floor or where ever, and watch the boy skateboard/bike with enthusiasm. I don't want to do things she does with them because, A) they would compare activity with Mom vs activity with me maybe causing some guilt about having fun with me too (which I NEVER want) B) if I were the ex I would feel threatened and C) I'm simply not her. I am however sure to enforce that I am an adult that needs to be treated with respect and dignity, and I will treat them the same. I have rules that are enforced in my house that aren't in hers. Baths every night, clean clothes every day, hair and teeth get brushed after bath, no TV when there is something to do outside, no junk food and no whining. Luckily disapline is not an issue with my fiance, I don't have to go running to him everytime they misbehave or don't listen. We took it very slow though, for the first few months of us being together and all of us hanging out I was just someone cool to play with. Any issues I let him handle it and kept my mouth shut. After a few months I would say little things, and when we moved in together we went over our house rules and he made it very clear that this was my house too and I am to be heeded. There haven't been any big fights with, "you're not my mother you can't tell me what to do!" like I'm sure I will encounter during those *shudder* dreaded teenage years...

Anyways, I am an optomisitic (aka CrAzY) person and I just hope to add to the wonderful collection of blogs out there about being a step mom, because damnit, there need to be more!