5K and School cont. with a little bitterness thrown in for good measure

So when picking up the girls today, I went looking for 5K's teacher to clear up this mess. I found her heading out the door but she spared 10 minutes to speak with us. I was right about why she didn't answer any of my questions. Apparently 5K tested lowest in the class at the beginning of the year, knowing only 6 out of 46 sounds and names of letters. She has improved slightly but Mrs. TL (Teacher Lady) used the words "she needs a lifeline" and made it very clear she knew 5K was not getting the support she needs at her mothers. She is going to send home copies of everything Wednesdays, plus things she thinks 5K need to work on. She still wants to have a sit down talk with us about all of it, and show us more when we can. It was awesome. A ray of light in what turned out to be an utterly icky day. So now I am stressed to the max about what's going to happen. Every time I hear someone tell me about what a whack-job their mom is, I want to record them then ask if they would be willing to testify to that in court. After that, I go looking for 8K's teacher. I had received a voicemail from her earlier that was really awkward. It went something like this, "I would be willing to meet with you both sometime, or perhaps talk to you both on the phone, when I see you both I will show you the test scores...yada yada yada" Hmmm...says I. It sounds like she doesn't seem very interested in talking to me unless C is hovering on every word, you know, just in case I let it slip how I beat them nightly and lock them in the closet. So I tell C about this message, and he interrupts me to tell me that the Ex has already called bitching about how the teacher went to HER and said I tried to contact her, (you'd swear I have the plague) so the Ex called C to tell him that the teacher, get this, doesn't want to meet with me. Wants to meet with her, and C! In the same room! Without me! HAHAHA Riiiight, like that's going to happen in this century. I mean, if she wants to be witness to a bloody battle scene, has a death wish, or just enjoys watching people rip each others heads off then by all means! Obviously she hasn't dealt with many divorced parents. So, not only did she complain to the Ex about me e-mailing her, she left that message and since that wasn't enough, sent me a one sentence e-mail back, regarding a phone conference. It said, "Is your husband going to be on the phone as well?" No "hi", No "thanks", No, "Sorry to trouble you." Just that one line. My best friend put it nicely, "Well it sounds like she should be talking to the Ex only, since they have the same IQ" Agreed.

Since this wasn't enough of a bad day, let's talk about the kicker. We're all at Grandma's for dinner, which is usually a nice evening. I don't have to cook, she made spaghetti (my comfort food) and the kids are usually out of my hair. The operative word there is usually. I asked 5K to come inside and what does the turkey do? She bolts out the door, and runs away from me. Well at first I chuckle, but when I catch her and she makes it clear she's not coming back in without a fight, she goes boneless. I drag her in by her arms because she kicked me when I tried to pick her up, and as soon as we get inside she starts screaming and clawing for the door. I tell her she's going into time out if she doesn't stop, so she kicks it up a notch and starts telling me she doesn't like me. When this doesn't stop me from setting her in the time-out chair, she kicks it up again. Screaming at the top of her little lungs that she hates me, only loves her mommy and grandma and everyone else she could think of but me. She keeps this up for about 3 minutes. I have my back to her and I'm just sighing thinking about how much I hate teenagers because you can't put a teenager in time out. Well her 5 minutes end, and I have her stand up and look at me and explain to her I put her in time-out for kicking and screaming when it was time to come inside, but now she was going to get a spanking from daddy. I was too mad to do it, and since we believe it should be a quick punishment done with out anger I enlisted C. So after it's done she comes out, apologizes to me and we hug and things get back on track. So now we leave for church. Everything goes fine there, and we drop the demons off at their mothers. She isn't there. She has a friend staying with her right now, (who is are really nice lady) who was there. So they all immediately run for the cupboard to grab whatever junk food they can shove down their throats like they always do, and I tell 5K she really shouldn't be eating chips at 9 o'clock at night since it was already past her bedtime. The little bugger looks up at me, and says "You're not in charge here. This is Mommys house, and she's in charge." I twitched but replied, "You're right. Eat all the junk you want." with a smile plastered on my face. To which she shrugged and continued eating her pringles. I am so knotted up with stress, frustration and bitterness right now it's not even funny. All I can think about is how we aren't going to get 5K until she is failing 4th grade and uncontrollable just like what happened last year with 10K. I don't want to wait. I think we should take her to court and get custody. I just don't know if it will be granted. C has a spotty past, and knowing her she would bring every skeleton out of their closet for nothing. She would fight, get her, then in 4 years be shoving her on us like a dirty dish towel. Just like 10K.

I'm going to go wash my hair and braid it, then see how much a hit man costs on Craigslist.

Bitterly,
K

5K and School

So parent teacher conferences are supposed to be this Thurs. and Fri. but C and I can't figure out how to make it work, with only one car and me having to work. So I e-mailed 5K's teacher, and yes, it was a very long e-mail, but I have a lot of concerns and questions. She seems nice, but I've barely had a moment to speak with her since the school year's started, and I'm afraid she's gotten me confused with the Ex. (ewwww) haha but also I'm worried because instead of answering my questions, she just requested to meet, but I dunno, I'm confused. Read on.

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To: Teacher Lady
Subject: 5K

Mrs. TL (teacher lady),
I know we had spoken earlier about having an appointment at, I believe, noon on the 30th but I am unable to attend at that time. I was wondering if we could have a phone conversation regarding her progress. I am concerned because she doesn't seem to be getting the sounds of all her letters. I am an IA for a kindergarten class at suchandsuch elementary and so I do some of the work I do with my lowest group with 5K, but I don't know if she is just tired from a full day or really isn't getting it. Unfortunately my husband and I don't see her more than a few hours during the week, and every other weekend, so I cannot assess her the way I can my students. Also I have asked her about beginning and ending sounds, but she seems very eager to guess without thinking it through and only gets them right about 50% of the time. I've not had time to assess her math skills, but I hope she is doing better with that. She can count from 1-20 well, but like I said, I haven't tested her for number recognition. Also, I was wondering what happens in the way of homework. I assume she has reading, but I have only had 2 worksheets for her to do on Wednesday's since the beginning of the year. Is this not a regular homework day? Could you please send me a schedule of what you do in class because I am unaware of how a full day kindergarten works, since mine is only half day. I'm sorry I have not come into the class to volunteer, but as it is I work right in the middle of the day, so it would be hard for me to get down there and back before work. I am available Monday November 10th since I do not have school that day. I would love to come and spend the day observing her if that's alright with you. I could also help out with whatever you need. Please call me and let me know if all of this is okay with you. I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner, and I know I included a lot in this e-mail, please don't feel bombarded! I have wanted to write you for a few weeks, so everything's kind of piled up! :) Thank you!
-C and K
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From: TL (teacher lady)
To: me

Hi Ms. K,
Thank you so much for your email. We are scheduled to meet at 8a.m. on Friday, Oct. 31st. Since this is a different time than what you thought (maybe your older daughter) you might be able to make it?? Please let me know. I would love to meet with you in person if we could.
Thanks so much,
TL
----------------------

To: TL
From: me

Mrs. TL,
I think the 8 am time on Friday is when (CrAzY), 5K's mom, is supposed to meet with you. Unfortunately, we will have to meet separately. I appreciate your understanding. If, in fact, you do mean this to be the time for my husband and I, I will of course do everything in my power to attend, although my husband will not be able to. I would love to meet with you in person as well. :) Thanks,
K
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So, I think she thought I was the Ex? Or maybe not? I don't rightly know. I'm worried because she didn't answer a single question I asked, which makes me always fear the worst. If everything was fine, as a teacher myself, I think she would have said so. Also she referred to 8K as my daughter, not my step-daughter so either she's super hip, and is totally cool with the step-parent thing, or she thought I was Her. Hmmm...at least she got back to me right away. 8K's teacher has not. I assumed a phone conversation would be fine if everything was going well, but now I'm really concerned since she is pressing to meet in person. UGGGH. What happened to the good ole days when kids went to school for a few hours, there was no homework and school stopped at 5th grade...I guess we could always move to the Ozarks.... :)

Sunday

Oh it was so nice. I spent the whole day with my sister's cheerleading troupe and C had the kids. They went to the pumpkin patch, and then he took 8K to her brownie groups meeting at the ice skating rink. I think it was really nice for both of us. My sister has been missing me a lot since I've gotten married and been so dang busy with the kids it's left little time for her. My mom says she asks about me all the time, but doesn't want to call because she's scared I'll say I can't come over, and the disappointment is too much for her to even call. It breaks my heart. I love her so much and I'm too busy dealing with the craziness of handling his kids I don't have time for the one closest to my heart. I've decided that I need to spend more time with her, so C can have alone time with his kids, and my sister doesn't feel pushed to the wayside. :)

Going to LA for Halloween! Yaaay! C and I are going to be Mickey and Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers. (great, twisted movie) Hope everyone has a good Monday!

The Kids

Okay so I've been a little preoccupied with things like homeless kids and Oprah, but time for some nitty-gritty. First off, I'm concerned about 5K and what's going on in kindergarten. While most kids in my kindergarten class know 99% of the sounds of their letters, 5K seems to know about 10-15 on a good day. On a bad day she refuses to say any of them. Also, the Ex (who is insane, just a reminder) while on one of her rants (since we are BFF's again) told me that she HATES when teachers have kids memorize their little books they make because, and I quote, "They aren't REALLY reading!" Um...duh. They are learning left to right tracking and word association. Unless they were taught at home, by a dedicated parent, none of them know how to read. (I have one in my class that reads at a second grade level, but that's it) So if she's not supportive of how kids learn, I don't see a lot of success in the future. I mean, look at where 10K ended up. Not only that, her teacher has started her on sight words, which is odd because she doesn't know the sounds of her letters yet. I don't know. I need to get in there. Well any ways, 5K came over about 2 weeks ago with a cut under her lip. I asked her what happened and she told me, "Mommy was cutting up salad and I wanted to do it to, and mommy left so I picked up the knife and accidentally poked myself" Yikes. *Note to self, don't leave knives out!* So now she has this gnarly scabbed thing on her face...ugh poor baby.

Now, about 8K. The Ex calls to chit-chat about her because she is now doing what 10K did in third grade. She is hiding homework, lying about it, and getting in trouble at school. Great. Juuuust Faaabulous. She was the one we thought we weren't going to have to worry about! So now I am very concerned about both girls and school. I know for a fact that if 8K throws a big enough fit, the Ex will just throw her hands up in the air and not make her do anything. Also she doesn't check backpacks or make sure there isn't other work that needs to be done. So I have meetings with both their teachers next week, so we'll see how that goes...Anyways I hope everyone has a good day!

I hate when Oprah's wrong.

I love Oprah. I really do. But sometimes she can be reaaal wishy-washy, always straddling both sides of the fence to make sure no one ever gets offended. Well, I found this list on her website and it made me laugh, but there were a few on there that I thought were just wacky. These are supposedly 12 things your never supposed to say as a step-mother. I didn't post all 12, because most of them were pretty true, like don't badmouth the Ex in front of the children. But these 5 I thought were a little off track...What do you think?


7. "Have you always done that?" Families have traditions that are meaningful to them. So if your husband and his children insist on watching Hogan's Heroes reruns, putting mayo on hot dogs, collecting rubber bands, or anything else you find distasteful, just keep your mouth shut.

---I agree with this to a certain degree. I think there is a very big difference between putting mayo on hot dogs, and what I would call a tradition. Traditions that make you as a stepmom feel excluded, or go against any of your moral standards you most certainly have a voice in! Yes, families have traditions and since it's a new family, I think it's bout time for new traditions! I don't think it's logical or healthy to "just keep your mouth shut." Unless you don't live there, you've got a say about what goes on in YOUR house!

3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc. Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out. You're better off being wicked.

Whoa Whoa Whoa. I agree wholeheartedly you should never be the fall guy, but seriously shouldn't this have been geared toward how that would make YOU as a stepmom feel rather than how everyone else will feel about you? The distinct feeling of being a doormat is very unpleasant and I think this should have been the point, not that you would become someone everyone resents because you were trying to be nice, and just went too far.


4. "Why the long face?"Your stepchildren are allowed to be sad—they're in mourning. Let them grieve if and when they feel like it. Sorry, but they probably will grieve more around you, since you're the evidence that their parents are never getting back together. Don't call attention to their sorrow; remove yourself, and get Dad to be a mom at this point. Their depression will pass—they're kids.

I'm not quite sure I understand this one. Yes, some people do get married during the mourning period, but either way, I think you have a right to ask why they feel sad? It could have NOTHING to do with you existing. And why would someone ask you to constantly deliberately think about the fact that you are the surviving evidence that their parents will never be back together? Ugh, if I thought that's what the kids were thinking every time they looked at me, and looked kinda sad, I'd be a wack-job.

8. "Your room is a pigsty!" Something's got to give, and neatness should be it. If the situation is desperate and the kids are growing subspecies in their space, get Dad to go in there and organize a cleanup. Life is messy, and it's even messier when you choose a man with children. But remember: It's better to have a man with kids than one without kids who flosses his cat's teeth.

What? Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me I don't have a say about the neatness of a room in my house? That I have to wait until subspecies are growing before I'm allowed to ask my husband to intervene? (Not that he would. He would probably just call the new form of bacterial growth "cool" and leave it be.) Yeah, I don't think so. I think you shouldn't bat an eyelash over a toy or piece of clothing on the ground, but if the child is old enough to maintain his/her own room, they should be held to that. 10k HATES cleaning his room, but that doesn't mean he gets out of it just because I'm a stepmom? I. Don't. Think. So.

12. "It's them or me." It will always have to be them. Your stepchildren are jealous of you. But admit it, you're jealous of them, too. If you make it a battlefield, this is a battle you'll lose.

Ok, I believe that this statement should never be said, but it is the undertone for every conflict you and your husband have. Also if you're a Christian then you KNOW you come first. There is no such thing as a marriage working if anyone but your spouse comes first. It doesn't matter if it's his parents, your cat, your baby together or the sofa no one can sit on. If your spouse feels something, or anything is more important to you than them, the marriage is doomed. I remember feeling so left out, and so unneeded before we started counselling. The couple who counseled us is a blended family, he brought one son to marriage, she has no kids of her own. She dealt with the feelings of being inferior, always second for 2 years. I don't know how she did that. She was ready to leave the marriage, when her husband finally got a clue. They were able to save there marriage, and her husband realized that putting his son in front of his wife was causing serious damage. It also doesn't give kids the healthy model of a good relationship. He talked with C at length about how it's not bad for the kids to do this, it's biblical, and it will make us stronger. It did. I never have to worry about my vote not counting anymore. This all went down about 2 months before the wedding. I hit a point where I knew if things didn't change, no matter how much I loved this man, I couldn't rightfully say 'till death do us part' because I knew in my heart it couldn't be true. C changed his way of thinking, and our relationship grew stronger, and it's been 5 months since that happened and everything is so much better. Demand to be first ladies. For your own sanity and for the kids!

That's all I have to say today. :)

Homeless Kids Part 2

Sorry this is the first chance I've had to update! So, the cop came about 10 minutes after I got off my computer, and I went out onto my porch to see what happened. Well I hear the cop talking and asking if there was a fight, what was going on, etc. Apparently he was not briefed on the situation. Well Joe got nervous cause the Lady was right there, and sent the cop away! I saw the cop come down the stairs and called out to him, and had him come into my apartment and explained everything. Well, needless to say, this guy was a retard. He goes on to tell me that they are not 'homeless' since they have a roof over their head, and there is nothing he can do because the kids aren't screaming bloody murder. He said, and I quote, "If they were kidnapped or something, they would be screaming and fighting and telling people." Uh, riiiiight. Obviously this man has never been versed in child psychology. So he left. I was PISSED, to say the least. I texted Joe to come over, and he did, and I ripped him a new one about letting the cop leave, and made him call the cops back right then, which he did. He said he was scared. I called him a pussy. So Joe and I wait for an HOUR for this cop to come back. He had seriously just left when Joe called. So by this time it's 1 am, and the cop goes in to check things out. I think Joe was scared of me, otherwise I'm sure he would have just let it slide. He seems to be a huge confrontation avoider. Anyways I am sitting on my balcony, freezing to DEATH waiting for the retarded cop to come back out. So after seriously 10 minutes (not a long enough interrogation I say) he comes out. Well I go inside and press my ear to my front door because I'm seriously that nosy. The cop proceeds to tell them that she does not have a criminal record and the kids would have said something to him if they were kidnapped. Then he left. I just about threw a potted plant at his head. I searched the website for missing and exploited children, and found a sister with 2 brothers who have been missing since June 29th. They looked very similar to the 3 kids. The girl was blond, one boy dark hair and one blond. Also, I got a good look at the girl, and from what I saw and this picture it was a striking resemblance. I just don't know what to do! The Lady and kids packed up and left this morning, so now they're gone. It is weighing very heavy on my heart that something very wrong has happened. I am just at at loss about what to do. I haven't the slightest where she went, and the cop said the only way he could take the kids was if he found them on the side of the road. Ugh. I'm quite upset with our police right now. It's not right. She didn't even have to prove she should HAVE these children let alone what she's doing living in a car with them. C pointed out that the 3 missing kids on Missing and Exploited Children went missing from MD, but still...she could have traded a car with MD plates for a CA one... I just don't know what to do. I'm worried sick there are parents out there wringing their hands and crying over their missing babies. I have been praying all day for the safety of those kids, since I am at loss over what else I can possibly do. Please pray for them! It got me thinking about all the homeless kids out there, and how if I came across someone like that I wouldn't care if I had to have C hold her down, I would take the kids away. Ugh. Well I guess I'm going to spend the night chewing my cheek and trying to find a way to be at peace with what's happened. Say a quick prayer for me too...

Dear God,
Please look out over your children tonight, and comfort those that are hungry, cold, scared, or alone. Let them see your grace and love, that they are never truly alone, no matter how ugly this world can be. Watch over the three I saw next door, and be with them now as they are probably scared. Give them peace in their hearts and let them sleep easy and dream beautiful things. Watch over the lady who is with them, and put it on her heart to care for these children, or find better care for them if she cannot. Give her peace in her soul and be with her. Thank you for your way of opening everyone's eyes and showing us that we are your plan to fix this world. That we are the ones who should care for the children left behind. Amen.

In the Lord's name,
K

Homeless Kids

Okay this is completely off the usual subject of what horror I'm going through on a particular day, but I just did something for an acquaintance (not even a good friend) that I am struggling with. So this acquaintance, lets call her Judy comes over out of nowhere and tells me her and her boyfriend Joe, (haha the Judges) found a lady at the end of her boyfriends work street, in pitch black, making pb and j's for 3 kids, sitting on the ground at 9 o'clock at night, next to a beat up station wagon. Well Judy is a mom, and being as her kids are at their dad's house Sunday and Monday night, invites this lady back to their apartment out of pity for the kids. Well, she shows me how this lady has proceeded to basically unpack all of their belongings, and that she is not the kids mother, (apparently both parents are dead) but their aunt. Well the story gets more and more circumspect as it goes on, and now she's scared this lady kidnapped the kids, is homeless, and is now planning to become a squatter. Btw, California law states if you invite someone into your home, and they stay for 48 hours, you are by law required to give them 60 days notice to kick them out. The cops won't even come. So we are going onto 26 hours at this point, and she's freaked. She was scared if she called the cops to come check this lady out that they would peace before the cops even got there, so she asked me and C to do it. Well, we were a little nervous, but Joe texted us just about 30 minutes ago to say she was there, so I called the cops. I'm terrified they're going to scare the kids, but what if they're kidnapped? She gave this shmuck story about how the mom's been dead, and the husband just died, and apparently it was all so easy to find as to type in a web page and its on that city's front page news. Well, says the cynic in me, that was tooooo easy. She offered up the website to prove her story, but to me, that seems very fishy. She could have easily assumed the name of the new aunt taking three kids (were not named in the story), and they really could just be anyone. So did I do the right thing people? Should I have just stayed out of it? I'm really torn and am waiting up to see what happens...I'll update this after...

tsk tsk

So I just read a post from Izzy Rose's blog, stepmothers milk, and while I admire her and her poetic and beautiful view of stepmotherhood, sometimes I struggle to relate. She had posted a piece from another stepmom blog concerning not saying things on your blog that you wish later you could take back about the biomom, kids, whomever. It got me thinking, and thinking usually leads to guilty feelings, which this did of course. There are many things I have said on this blog, concerning the Ex, the kids and even my husband at times that would burn ones ears off. I'm glad that this certain blogger has gotten to a point in her relationship with the Ex that she doesn't have these thoughts, has outgrown them, or is just blessed with a sane human being as her husbands ex-wife. I envy her greatly. As for myself, I will contest that I am young, and therefore have a propensity to be a bit more rash than others who are more wizened than myself. From what I've read (meaning I might be wrong) it wouldn't appear to me that this woman has spent a day in court refuting blatant lies, like Stephanie. Or worries greatly over her step child's extreme lack of hygiene, discipline, studies among other things, at their mothers hands, like me. Also, from what I can see she only has one step child which, for those of you with multiples like myself, clearly see as an advantage. On a side note, what convinces a woman who is clearly unable to take care of one child, to continue having more? Anyway, that's for another day. Like I said, I envy this blogger's relationship badly, and wish I could have a more consistent one with the Ex. It's so on again off again with her. Either she's talking to me and calling me all the time to confide about her boyfriend, or she's calling me a B and telling me to stop meddling, then refusing to even be cordial for a month. So mainly I wanted to say, I'm sorry if I'm one of those ranting stepmoms who can't find anything better to write about than what a pain in the arse the bio mom is, but that's where I'm at right now. I need this. I need people to tell me I'm not crazy for having rules that aren't hers. I want people to say I'm going to be alright, and while things may never be in the same ballpark as normal, I'm still gonna make it. I love writing, and if it wasn't here, it would be in a journal that would never give me the advice, support and downright love that a public forum does. Luckily for me, the bio mom of my steps doesn't own a computer and checks her work e-mail spottingly. I seriously doubt she has even heard of blogger, much less manage to stumble across mine. And if that should ever pass, Fine. Let her read it. If she thinks me all the more of a controlling B, that's her opinion and if she just *might* get a glimpse of life this side of the craziness, perhaps she would snap out of it. I doubt it though. I feel badly sometimes for saying the things I do, but not badly enough to regret saying them. It didn't always used to be this way. Once upon of time we liked each other. Once upon of time I was close to wanting to have coffee or lunch with her. But we're in the Unhappily Ever After now, and that book is over. So for probably a while I will be writing about the endless grief she pours over my head and whatever else comes to mind. Even if she would never forgive what she could read here, God does, and Lord knows I need this. :) So, if what I write is mean, rude, and uncaring sometimes, yeah, it will be, know only that this is a path I'm walking on and maybe one day, the Ex and I will sit down for coffee.

That would be a good day.

Weeeeelllll...

So I ran the idea of inviting the Ex to church with us by C, and he almost had a coronary. So needless to say, it didn't happen. I felt bad about it for about 5 minutes (seconds) but realized having her there would disrupt me so much I couldn't only NOT focus on the message, I would have to stand introducing her, and since she never changed her name, it would be rather awkward. Sitting next to her for 30 minutes at a school event is enough to make me nauseous. I don't think I could handle the hour and half of church. On a good note! Her friend is moving in with her for a few months, and I have heard nothing but high standing remarks about this lady from the kids, and even met her myself and found her to be an exceptionally nice person. Apparently she has been talking to the Ex about how badly she treats C and I, and is a very devout Christian!! So maybe I don't have to take the burden of her everlasting life on my shoulders, because a friend of hers is doing it for me! (booo-yah!)

Okay well I hope everyone is having a wonderful October, and oooh Halloween is coming up! Fun Fun Fun. C and I are going to LA for the weekend of Halloween, so we are going to have SO much fun!

I see there are these new fangled things like following blogs, but omg, it took me forever to even post who's blogs I look at I don't know if I can figure out this new thing too! I will try though, because I really enjoy reading other peoples stories. :) If not only to humble myself, to better myself as well. :)