Half-way done!

I can't believe I'm already five months pregnant. Hit the 20 week mark yesterday. We are so excited for our baby bird, Eden. Things are going really well with my fiance and I, which makes me feel so lucky. I hear about a lot of problems in relationships during pregnancy, and the board I like to post on, babyandbump has featured one to many marriages and relationships ending to make anyone feel safe in theirs. We had a few rocky months, November and the beginning of December were rough, but we went through a lot of changes, did some growing and came out the other side better people. I am happy the holidays are over and things are feeling normal, comfortable and strong.

Aside from being wonderfully pregnant, I graduated from college in December(woo-hoo!) and started my masters program in January. (whimper) I am resolute on finishing my degree before Eden is one, which will be a huge accomplishment. My friend who has been in college about 5 years longer than me is finally going to be done the same time I am, and I just started! I go to Chapman, so all my classes are the 8 week session style, making them very challenging but over fast. I keep telling myself I can do anything for 8 weeks and not die. (I repeat this mantra probably far to often.) Overall, I am pretty pleased with how quickly schooling can get done when you really dump your all into it.

I also started a second job last august, so I work 7 days a week (that's right, not one day off) and go to school full time as well. Needless to say I am beyond busy. I would love to be better about updating this, but as it is I believe I am on week 14 of my pregnancy fill-it-out books (oops) and my cup runneth over. I hope everyone is doing fantastic, from time to time I read your guys' blogs, you know, when I should be doing homework. Maybe once I quit the second job in March (ugh only 5 more weeks!!!) I will have a bit more time. :)

Much love,
K

I'm gonna be a MOMMMMMMY!

Can I tell you how nice it feels to say that word without the step in front of it? I am 10 weeks along today, already 1/4 done! It's going by very quickly! I found out when I was only a bit past 3 weeks. I couldn't be more excited. More to come, but I just had to finally take the 2 seconds to write it!!

4 years ago today

Flipping back through my blog I read a post I had written 4 years ago, September of 2007. The sadness and struggle I went through trying to "fix" a severely broken family just overwhelms me at times. It's been a year and a half since I've seen or spoken to C's son. He turned 13 this year. It's been about a month since I've spoken to his daughters, who are 11 and (turning) 8. I saw them a while back...but sometimes it just hurts too much. Knowing I can't change or fix them, or their shattered lives makes it difficult to think of them, and although 11K and I text from time to time I can't focus much on them without the accompanying pain.

Also, I spent a while going through others blogs and it's weird to see almost all of them have turned into ex-step-mom blogs too. It certainly was a weird transition. No one tells you how to grieve for a family you lost, but never really had.

I am happily almost done with school, working a couple jobs and my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby. :) Now that's going to be exciting. As much as he wants to get married I have a very difficult time with the idea of marriage, so we will see about that. I am perfectly happy with a "partner for life" and someone who respects me and treats me well. Also, he doesn't have any kids. I made that a rule when I re-entered the dating world, and it was a hard one to follow. I was seeing a great guy for a while, but refused to commit because he has a (absolutely beautiful)2 year old little girl. I just kept telling myself I didn't want to wind up in a position where I had to lose a little one again like C's youngest daughter. I won't do it again. So I am so happy to have met someone who wants their own family and is anxious to have one with ME! :)

So I'm currently learning the lingo of preggers forums instead of step-mom forums...I'm excited for this journey into motherhood, and can't wait to have a little one that's all my own. I told my boyfriend too, that if things don't work out between us for whatever reason (ahhh Pessimist at heart) that I have seen how nasty divorces can be and we will be LUCKY to not deal with them. He didn't see this as *quite* the logical reasoning I did, but accepted it none the less.

This is month 2 of TTC, J (the boyfriend) REALLLLY wants a little girl. He wants a little princess. It was funny because for a long time all I wanted was a girl, and after being a nanny to so many boys, and having so many boys in the classroom's I've been in snag my heart strings, I was convinced I wanted a boy first. But now, I am thinking a girl would be pretty amazing too. :) We agreed that all we really want in the end is a healthy baby. My studies focus on autism, and the thought of having an autistic child just scares me to death. (Another reason I am hoping for a girl now too lol) I have my own disorders and so does J, we both have suffered from mild-moderate depression in the past, I have mild OCD that focuses mainly around food, (fears of food being contaminated, getting sick, obsessions about what I've eaten, compulsions to eat certain things at certain times) and a mild form of Trichotillomania, which has been really bad lately, probably due to stress. I luckily do not pull hair on my head. It started when I was young with the twisting and pulling of my eyebrows to relieve stress when studying or doing other things, it was very absent-minded. Then when I started puberty I began plucking leg hairs, and bikini line hairs. Eventually I stopped pulling my eyebrows but I will spend hours and hours in the bathroom methodically plucking my legs or bikini area. I am just so thankful I don't pull hair on my head, I feel so bad for those who do. I am fearful that I will pass on my oddities. I know I can hide a lot of this, just by simply calling myself 'picky' and a 'very mindful eater' as well as 'kind of vain' I 'need my beauty time'. I do masks on my face and waxing other parts as well to offset the time I spend in the bathroom. I will make every effort to speak to my child about depression and what it looks like since this is something that was passed onto me, but never spoken about in my house.

Ahhh it feels good to get all that off my chest. I am so excited to be onto bigger and better things, and I hope some of you ladies are still out there in blogger-land with me. :)

Always,
K

Proceed with Caution

So I know it's been a long time since I've written on here, but that's because I have a real live physical diary now that I write in just about every night. It's the first time I've had one in forever. Mostly, because I knew if C ever found such things I would be monumentally screwed. So life is going really well...My restraining order went thru, they gave me 3 years which I guess was kind of a big deal. I hear that 98% of the time they only give 1 year. So that's done. The same week I filed for divorce. He has 2 more days to put in a response but seeing as he is moving out of our old house over the next few days I doubt he is going to be doing that. I downloaded the judgment packet to complete, ugh, I never knew there was SO much paperwork for divorce. No wonder people hire lawyers...just so they don't have to deal with the paperwork. Best part of the last month is I met someone...Wasn't looking for it, by any means, but I guess that's when they stumble into your life, right? He has a similar background, married to someone with kids, no kids together, divorced...his reasons were much much different, but still things I can relate to. He cooks, he's gorgeous, he's half Italian like me, comes from a great family...we are taking things really slow so I like that too. Other than that my life has mostly consisted of going out with friends, shopping, and basically healing. I am in a really good place. :)

Restraining Orders

So, I guess it's a good thing I learned how to do court paperwork while filing for child support back with C. I filed divorce and a restraining order last week. Well, C broke the order on Friday by calling and leaving a message on my phone. I decided to give him a warning, so I called his parents, let them know there was a restraining order and that next time I will be calling the cops. Fair warning right? Well, he was served last night, and today he thought it would be a good idea to COME TO MY HOUSE and drop off a 20 page letter detailing our entire relationship (excluding the physical abuse) and how he will "take me back, no questions asked" when I'm done screwing all of California. It also had the phone number for our "new marriage counselor" and...AND he wrote in plain black and white that when my parents house got robbed three years ago, it was him who did it. I hit a breaking point. I called the cops, filed a report and now he is going to jail. I don't know for how long, I'm going to call tomorrow and find out some more information. Until then...I don't think I'll be sleeping to well knowing he may get out and knows where I am. That is so scary to me. *sigh* I can't believe any of this is real. It's so hard...

Penguins

I went out last night with a friend of mine, and we were driving past sea world. I commented on how much I love sea world and how I can spend all day in the penguin enclosure and he said, Ew, penguins smell. I literally almost started bawling. One of my best memories of C and I is sitting in the penguin enclosure with me gushing over every damn penguin in there. It is one of the few fully happy memories that didn't end with a fight. I have so many half memories. Where we had a wonderful time then as soon as we got home the world exploded. I always felt sad thinking of those memories. I got through the moment though, and went on to have a lovely evening. :) I feel that I will always have pangs of memories, and most won't send me to tears, and all will fade with time, getting less and less painful. I am moving forward very successfully though! I am getting a car next week, a huge hurdle for me. One of C's greatest control techniques was making sure I never had my own car since right before we were married. There was always some excuse or reason why I didn't need one, but I see that now it was a mean of making me helpless, dependent. I also have put my resume out to find a full time job, AND I found my own place. These might seem minor to someone, but to me, it's something I almost believe I would never be able to do. :)

As my world readjusts

So I know it's been a good 10 months since I have written on here. And I miss it. I was glad to come back and see most are doing well. The world of step families is a pretty crazy one. There are many things I left out over my periods of writing, and perhaps here and now is the time to share them with you all. C was an abusive husband. Not just verbally, but also physically. I hoped for so sooo long that something would change him, but nothing ever did. It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved him, it could not change the essence of his being. As far as I know, the kids are alright, due to restraining orders/threats I have not seen them in almost a month. I miss them so much. Some relationships are doomed from the very start, and I feel ours was one of them. I chose to write today because today was the day I filed my divorce papers. It was very bittersweet. I'm so glad to finally be free of the abuse and get on with my life, seeing as I'm only 25, but I feel it is part of my duty as a human being, a survivor, a previous step mother and a woman to talk about this. I think the very hardest part was those first steps out the door. I've heard for so long that I could never make it on my own, that I almost believed it. I also struggle with the stigma that abuse survivors deal with. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't deal with it and couldn't move forward with anything. It was like being stuck in cement, no matter which way I tried to turn, there felt like there was no escape. I feel that women who stay in relationships are broken in their own right, just as I was. They become so buried in emotions that reality and fact are like a mist, surreal and ethereal. I was/am so in love with C that I refused for a very long time to admit how broken our relationship was. Looking back it seems so clear but at the time I can assure you it was not. I struggled with wanting to leave Coy since last summer, but I am a stubborn person and on some bad advice tried to make things work between us. Just like always it got better for a few months, then went right back down the tubes. I was finally able to admit to myself that the relationship I was in was in no way, shape, or form, healthy for me. Perhaps it was the longing for peace that finally led me to leave. And it is wonderful. :) My only hope is that instead of the pity that most feel towards women who stayed in abusive relationships will abate, and instead hope and joy can be found in the strength it took them to leave. I am so proud of myself, and I want everyone to be happy I made it out before he did me in. I am enjoying many things I wasn't allowed to have/do before, like go out with my friends, have private phone conversations, go clothes shopping and have time to myself.

I think when you take the step, and file paperwork for divorce, no matter how rough or awful a marriage was there is a sadness and even mourning in it. I loved him. With all my heart and soul. I wouldn't have stood for any of the things I did if I hadn't. I am glad to say I am not easily broken and even after 3 years of detrimental physical and verbal abuse my spirit never broke. It saddens my heart to know that his life has lost meaning and from what I hear he is sinking into a pit of despair from which he may never emerge. But, that is his choice not mine. To finally sit down and say, "No, there is no hope of reconciliation-I'm done", was hard to do, but also necessary. I do miss the little things that came with someone knowing you well, and we had many, many good times together that I will always cherish. I think the most important first step was forgiveness. I will never say it was okay what he did, but I can freely forgive him because this lightens my soul. The resentment and hatred that builds from being in a relationship like that is easy to hold on to. I've seen it many times with ex-wives. I refuse. I am determined to be happy, but right now I am very focused on my own healing. I have lots of plans for my future and for a while that means being alone which isn't easy after being with the same person, my best friend, day in and day out for the last 3 years. Those moments when you forget and pick up the phone to call can be very devastating. They have faded with time, but that is a loss that I feel will make my heart heavy for a bit longer. I am determined to never be in a relationship pattern like that again. The word relationship actually makes me want to go running for the hills right now. C is/was convinced that I left him for another man, but I guess it's easier to make oneself believe a self-preserving lie than have to admit that someone left them because of who they are inside. I hope in time he sees where his choices have led him and makes change on his own, for his sake. Well it's 2 am and I just needed to get all that off my chest so I can sleep.

It's good to be home. :)

-K