Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Good Question

Where do 10K and 5K's behavioral problems stem from?

Fantastic question. I've lots to say on the topic. My first assumption before I thought long and hard about it was the divorce. Divorce has driven children to hell and back causing a huge range of problems along the way. Then I thought more about it. As far as 5K is concerned there has never been an alternate situation. She was a one night drunken oops after the separation. She's never known anything but having a Mommy house, and a Daddy and K house. So it can't be the divorce. Then I thought, well 10K and 5K are so much alike, maybe his feelings about the divorce has just rubbed off on her. But then he came to live here and they spend less than 8 days together a month, so if that's how it was, it should have gotten better when he came to live with us. Which it didn't. So the conclusion I came to is two-pronged. It's hereditary, and it's how they were raised by their mother. I say hereditary because my husband was that strong-willed child. He was defiant till the end, raised by good missionary Christians, with a sister who was the 'good child'. He went down a really bad road, a road we're terrified 10K is running straight for. He sucked at school, his middle name was trouble, and he lived that until he was 32. C dealt with issues similar to 10K's, since he was adopted and I feel adopted children suffer from a lot of the anger and despair that divorced kids have. The other side I feel takes 70% of the reason 10 and 5 are the way they are. I believe it's because of how their mother is. No discipline, no boundaries, a friend instead of a mom. I think this creates an inner tension. Kids don't want to be in control, they want to be kids. They want to feel like home is a safe environment, where they can let go and know someone else is in charge. They don't have that. When C and Her were married, C was never home. When he did get home all they would do was fight. 10K remembers it. That's about all he remembers about their marriage. It wasn't a happy or safe place to be. Home was scary. 8K doesn't remember much of anything, so it's a fantasy for her. It's a dream of a life I took away. A different basket of problems for a different post. Mostly I think that because of their similarities, although living in different households now, it has to do with their mother. The conflict she instills in them, the need to choose a side, the scariness of being in control there, and the desire she has for a best friend not a child all add up to behavior problems. I feel 5K is going to wind up where 10K is, without a doubt. She is strong-willed, that coupled with the loosest reins imaginable gives us the same equation we had with 10K. How could we expect the outcome to be any different? 2+2=4 the first time you add it...the second time it doesn't equal 5 now does it?

Well that's my 2 cents. :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Wooo-sahhh

I'm rubbing my earlobes and woo-saahh-ing.

I was flipping back thru Stephanie's blog, and came across this. I never saw it, posted almost a year ago. Apparently, I was tagged. :) So, Stephanie, it's a year late, but here it is. :)

The rules:1. List a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet.
2. Offer as much or as little explanation as you wish.
3. Please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative.

A- Ambidextrous :) I really am!
B- Boisterous
C-Cunning
D- Determined
E- Evangelistic
F- Friendly
G- Gregarious
H- Harmonious
I- Interpersonal
J- Judicious
K- Kinky ;)
L- Lazy (in a good way)
M- Meticulous
N- Nefarious
O- Obstinate
P- Practical
Q- Queen of this house
R- Resolute
S- Stubborn
T- (in) Transition
U- Utilitarian
V- Vainglorious
W- Wishful
X- XXIII
Y- Young
Z- Zany

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pray for Strength

So I started writing a new post last night, and my Internet decided to give out, and poof gone.

I didn't get to get into much detail in the my last post, seeing as how it was written 10 minutes before I had to leave for work Friday morning. Here is where I will fill in my staccato, stressed out rantings. :)

5K's class:
I spent the day making mental notes of her behavior. She was in the lowest group, with 3 boys. 2 of which had ADHD, and one with some form of serious behavioral issues. 5K doesn't listen to directions, she talks back to the teacher and refuses to sit still for any length of time. Example:
Teacher: 5K, please sit down.
5K: I have to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: Well, it's time to sit down now, I'll let you know when you can go.
5K: *with all the attitude she can muster including hands on her hips* I SAAID!! I have to go to the BAATHROOM!
Me: Sit-down-right-now-5k-or-else!

Her teacher was a nice person... but seemed kind of scatterbrained to me. There was no clear cut schedule, aside from recess and lunch. The kids seemed to be milling about a lot. I kept looking at my watch wondering when the lesson was to begin, as it had been an hour and all they had completed was chit chat over the weekend activities and share time. I would prefer her to be in a more structured environment, a half-day Kinder with a stricter sense of discipline.

As for 10K and the violence that occurred, I felt compelled to take action. I sent him to something they have at our local library to help him with his homework. I can't do it anymore. Everyone says keep fighting and I am. I just changed my goal. I am now fighting for a good relationship. I am fighting for not fighting. I am challenging him to learn to be independent, and being there every step of the way. I am ducking out of the power struggle without a loser sign tacked to my back, along with a target for him to aim for. I am asserting my love in a positive, and open way.

This is the email I sent to his teacher, letting her know what's been going on...

Mrs. FFGT (Fantasic Fifth Grade Teacher),
I've been meaning to contact you for about 3 weeks now, but I haven't made the time. I apologize for that. I spoke with Ms. RT (Resorce Teacher) last week concerning 10K lying to the principal. C and I are very concerned about 10K right now. We are not sure why, but he has been acting out more and more. Also, the letter he wrote to Ms. RT is still in his backpack. He has become very territorial of his backpack and yells if I even touch it, but I saw it there after he went to bed tonight. Anyway, the second I've made up my mind to come speak with you about his behavior, he has a good day, then two good days, then I let it slide, thinking maybe now we've hit the turning point and things are okay. That's my fault and I'm sorry.

For the past year I have been the sole person to work with teachers/schools/ principals/psychologists regarding 10K. I am the one who had homework duty, as painful as it was. I know you have a step-daughter so you understand the fragile relationship that exists between a step-parent and a step-child. Constantly fighting with him over homework and studying is destroying that bond. It is a never ending battle with him. We are locked in a power struggle, and I'm desperate to find a way for it to end. I took him to the program at the library, and that I think, will be a temporary solution until he tires of the novelty of being able to go to the library every day and refuses to go, or refuses to complete his work. Then, I won't know what to do.

I'm not sure if Ms. RT told you about our conversation, but this was it in a nut shell:
Last Monday 10K was told to complete his work in his room. Having to work independently has become a new angle for him to try and manipulate. The screaming, arguing and insults ensue every time I tell him he needs to use his math spiral, or look in a book. He fumed for about 40 minutes, and we told him he needed to stay in his room, with the door shut until he was done. C ran to the store, and 10K refused to let me shut the door, and when I didn't give in, he got physical with me. He was pushing, shoving, grabbing, yanking, screaming, and crying...it was a total melt down. I wound up picking him up under his arms, and setting him in the middle of the room where he sat screaming for 10 minutes after I had left his bedroom. As much as I want to help 10K, I think this situation has exceeded my ability and so we requested that 10K begin seeing the school counselor. Ms. RT understood, and I will be bringing the paperwork into her tomorrow morning. I don't trust sending it in 10K's backpack. I have found other notes that were meant to get to you, that were stapled to homework, buried in his backpack with my name I had signed at the bottom scratched out. I believe this has a lot to do with his sudden territorial behavior over his backpack.

I'm not sure how long 10K is going to have to do homework elsewhere, but I honestly think it's best for him, and also best for our relationship. I'm sorry his report was not turned in, 10K said that it was done and in your hands, and I made the mistake of telling him I was emailing you that night, ( I think this was last Wednesday) and I didn't follow through with what I said. I think he saw when I didn't run to the computer it was an idle threat (not something I usually ever do) and didn't breathe another word of his report. Since he didn't do his homework here, I was handed his white folder at 8 pm. I didn't even get to look at it until about 45 minutes ago. I say, put him in in-school and after school detention. We give you permission to do that until it's done. If that's not an option I can see about C trying to do it with him. Whatever you feel is best. I'm sorry to put all this on you, and I hope you understand I'm not giving up. I'm looking for the best solution to give us the brightest possible outcome. If there is anything more I can try, don't hesitate to tell me. I've run plum out of ideas, and would appreciate any insight. :)
Thank you,
K

I know I'll get a good response. This teacher is a GOD SEND. She is so nice, and supportive, and thoughtful. I don't think I had a minute to write about 10K's most recent lies. Apparently last week a kid threw his sweater in the mud. He went into his resorce class very upset, and Ms. RT told 10K that Mrs. FFGT would handle it, and not to worry. Well, this wasn't good enough for 10K, so after resource when he was supposed to go directly back to class, instead he chose to go to the principals office and tell her that Ms. RT sent him, to tell her, that she needed to look into it and speak with this other kid. 10K had to write a letter of apology to Ms. RT, but like I said in my e-mail, he never gave it to her.

Stress level: 1,000%
Ability to cope: about 0% right now
Strength to continue: Priceless

TBC...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

And perhaps even worse?

So the Ex refused to speak with both of us for a few days, but Sunday 8K had a serious pain in her mouth from her screwed up dental work, so I called her and asked her to please pick up the girls early. She was nice, even kind. She got to my house, ooh'ed and ahh'ed over my kitten, and spoke to me as if none of that had ever happened and we were buddies again. She took the girls home, then let us know 8K had a dental appointment scheduled for Tuesday. Then Monday morning I went to volunteer in 5K's classroom, and she was there because she hangs around for a few minutes in the morning, and she just chatted with me like this wasn't seriously awkward, and then left. Nothing weird at all. I worked in 5K's class till 12:30, then went over to 8K's class. I took a deep breath and walked in. The kids were at lunch so I took a moment to look around the room, see 8K's artwork and poems, then the teacher walked in. We sat down and spoke, she felt defensive because of the letter we had sent, and let me know she was brand new to this school and was just trying to follow protocol. I still didn't like her, but I offered to stay and help until 1:30 when I had to leave to go pick up C, since I had taken the car. So I stayed and helped 8K with her math, then the whole class with spelling. She was nice enough, and since all the paper work with the school is now in order, willing to speak with me. C put a letter in at the office giving the school and teachers permission on everything.

I picked up C at 2, then we went and picked up 10K as he was walking home. Right then my phone rings. The mom of the babies I used to nanny for was frantic. The new nanny had left the 22 month old baby in a car, while she went shopping, and another customer saw this, called the cops, the cops had come, waited for the nanny to walk out of the store, and altogether they assume baby was in the car for 30 minutes up to an hour. alone. with the doors unlocked. (Free Car! Free Baby!) So the cops called the mom and now no one could pick up the 4 year old, so C and I went and got him from his speach class, and took him to the park. Now 10K was fussing before we picked him up that he didn't want to do homework right away. So by the time the mom met us at micky D's about 2 hours later, he had escaped from it, and gotten fast food during the school week. So we go home. 10K is throwing a totally hissy fit over his homework, screaming and crying, the whole nine yards. C ran to the store to return a movie and the hissy fit continues. I tell 10K I have had ENOUGH of the whining, crying, complaining, and he was to stay in his room, finish his homework, with his door shut. Well, he didn't want his door shut, and persisted to physically fight me to keep it open. I had to pick him up, under his armpits, place him in the middle of the room, and run and slam the door. He was screaming. After I finally got it shut, he gave up the power struggle and sat on his bed screaming I hate him and that I should just admit he's the stupidest kid I've ever met, on and on and on. C gets home and I've my keys at the ready. I left. I was gone until after 10K went to bed. I read at the bookstore. So I finally came home, and C and I talked a bit about it, and I let it go. 10K had called me at the bookstore to apologize, and so I left it alone. Chalked it up to a one time thing. So yesterday I did laundry, I folded everything, and was having 10K put his things on hangers and in their drawers. Well, I opened a drawer to find clean shirts from last time I did laundry shoved in it, and I picked them up and put them on his bed for him to hang. He says, "No." and throws it on the floor. I picked it right back up and said, "YES!" and put it back on his bed, and this time he throws it at me. I catch it and tell him, fine, I will throw it away if you don't want to take care of your things. So he goes, "Fine." and I go to walk out of his room and throw it in the trashcan. At this point he makes a grab for it, and I hold it above my head. I'm still a little taller than him. He is yanking on me, pulling my arm, and I hold my arm out to push him off, and he says he will hang it, so I give it too him and storm out. Physical, again! Is all I could think. So I walk around the house for a few minutes, and calm down. I then go back in his room to tell him the things in his drawer need to be folded, and he yells "Don't Hit Me!" The second I walked in the room. I stood stunned. I have never hit him, never would. Which I said. He then claims that when I held my arm out to keep him off me I hit him in the mouth. Great says I. 10K called his friend and was invited to their house, so I let him go...laundry half done, room still a mess, I just wanted him out. C got home and I told him what happened. It will only be a year or so before he's bigger than me...What then?

Friday, November 7, 2008

It Gets Worse

So I tried to talk to the Ex, and tell her that I am tired of the name calling and I honest-to-God want a decent relationship with her, and out of nowhere...I had just started talking she starts screaming, "Why are you and C getting drunk and fighting in front of the kids?!!" What? What the Hell? Not only is that bogus, it was completely out of context and reason. Apparently 8K, Mommy Dearest's Golden Child, said we were drunk and fighting and she was scared in her bed. Well, I don't care if this is true or not, I tell the Ex what happens in our house is none of her GD business. Yes, a few weeks ago we got into a tiff while the kids were sleeping, and damn I feel bad if it woke them, but we weren't drunk and fighting. That makes it sound like we got wasted and decided to have it out in the living room throwing beer cans at each other. We went into our bedroom and I admit, we probably weren't using our library voices, but dear lord is this where the false accusations start? Are we going to wind up in court with her claiming we get drunk and fight every time the kids are at our house? Lovely.

So, she hung up on me about 3 words into what I wanted to tell her because she started screaming this nonsense at me and I told her, loudly, to mind her own. She then turns off her phone. I swear she's 15. I feel much better though. I texted her and told her the name calling has to stop, I won't stand for it any longer.

On a side note, C and I wrote a letter to 8K's teacher, explaining that now there was a letter on file with the school giving me 100% permission from C to get information, speak to teachers, including parent-teacher conferences, phone calls, and e-mails. What does the teacher do? Apologize? Call? E-mail? Nope. She tells the Ex that she is mad that C gave her this letter. I helped him word it all, but it's his name on it, and his signature, and she goes and tells the Ex! I'm soooo speaking with the principal. Fine, if she doesn't want to see that if 8K needs help, we are the only 2 who are going to give it to her, than so be it!

I hope everyone's having a better Friday than me.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

When you think it can't get worse...

So, Sunday C and I were driving back from our lovely trip to LA. It was crazy but it was a lot of fun as well. It felt great to get away. Sometimes it's depressing for me though. I sit in my friends grunge apartment, pictures of the two of them everywhere, no toys, no school schedules posted, no calendar marking days of custody...just them. None of my friends have any children, theirs or otherwise, so I feel very alone a lot. They call me to go out but of course I'm usually stuck here, making dinner or nagging someone to clean their room, helping with homework, or one of the other ten thousand things I do that I don't have to. Anyways...that's another tangent for another post. So, we were driving home and C's phone dies. He asks me to text the Ex, and let her know she can drop 10K off at 7:30. Note: As of her past weekend before this with him we told her it is her responsibility to drop him off at our house Sundays because we do ALL the other driving. So she texts me back, obviously it had been a bad day in CrazyLand because it said "You can't F-ing spring this on me! NO!" To which I politely reminded her that it is her responsibility to drop him off on her Sundays. She then stated she had no gas at all, and no money, which of course we didn't believe because then how did she plan on getting to work all week? I told her Sorry, see you at 7:30. She never texted me back. Well that worried me, but C said forget it, so I tried to enjoy our last hour of alone-ness. Then C's dad calls. The Ex had 10K call Grandma, crying that mom didn't have any gas money and was he going to have to stay the night at his moms and miss school because no one could pick him up? Could she please pick him up? So she did. Now C and I were furious that his mum decided to do this, because it just plays right into her little game, but we could see how she hated to see 10K put in the middle of her craziness. So C calls and 5K picks up the phone. She says, and I quote, "Daddy don't yell at Mommy. Mommy says you're going to yell at her." To which my husband sweetly replied, "No I'm not sweetie, please give mommy the phone." Then he could hear Her saying the back ground, "Hang up on him 5K. Hang up!" And she told her Daddy, "I'm sorry Daddy, but Mommy says I have to hang up on you."

Then she texted and left a message on my husband phone calling me a B and saying "did the control freak tie you up so you can't talk to me?!" Like I forcefully have to pull him away.

It's days like that when you raise your hand and say, "Um, I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign a waiver? There was no liability release?" Where was it I put in blood I would stand idly by while being called names? I've never been treated so badly by someone I haven't punched in the face. Hmm...maybe that's next....

From CrazyLand-
K