something I haven't talked about yet...

So far in this blog I have done a lot (by my standards). I started something that I actually intend on keeping up, and have done so. I've talked about the step kids and also my work (more kids). I've mentioned my fiance more than once, and shared a bit about myself as a person. There is one more thing I haven't really shared, that I need some advice on.

How does one go from being a childless weekend stepmom to having your own kids as well?

My biggest fear in life is not being able to have kids. Uterine tumors run in my family, and I've already had to have cryosurgery on my cervix to get rid of a precancerous growth. (I was 18 at the time) To add to my fears, C had a vasectomy about 3 years ago. So any children we have will be done in a cold laboratory in a petri dish. (See above pictures.) I have such a loathing for this procedure. It seems cold, unnatural, and damnit I don't want quintuplets. I never thought two little pictures like these could excite such extreme emotions. I look at the first and I feel sick. I hate needles. Cold. Wrong. The second makes me coo with longing. How sad. I never thought one of my fears would germinate (haha. no pun intended) out of a picture of egg and sperm. I want to wake up one morning and go throw up in a trash can. I want to wonder if my period's going to start. I want to take that stupid little test and jump up and down and run find my husband and tell him. I don't want to sit in a cold chair, being stabbed by 6 inch needles. I don't want to be told we have 5 living organisms in my tummy and now we have to choose which eggs to keep. I don't want to pay 10,000 dollars. I want the suprise. The knowledge that him and I made a baby together... through physical expression of our love, not in a petri dish. I am heart broken I don't get that. And to add to the 'fun-of-it-all' I have to accept this is nothing new for him. Yeah, whatever, already got 3, what's one more. But to me? It's my life. I hate HATE haaate his ex-wife today, purely because she got what I want so badly 3 times. The third one was a drunken/after seperation accident! I want an accident. Today for some reason is just a really bad day. I know I have to see her later, and it's not her fault but I can't help but feel this utter contempt for her breathing at this moment. *head in hands* Someone tell me how to shut off my biological clock...or where I can pick up 10 thou...thanks...