As I said in my last blog, Thursday I went to a meeting with 9K's teacher. I guess the ex was under the impression C was going (not me) but flipped her bucket when she found out just I went. She didn't want either of us setting up this meeting, saying that we were wasting the teachers time as Ex had already been to the meeting we couldn't attend and "told us everything" uh huh. Right. I will believe that the day she admits she's a horrible parent as well.
The meeting went well. The teacher is maybe 3 or 4 years older than me, so we got along great. She really likes 9K, making it a point to tell me that although he struggles so badly he is a sweet kid, and you usually don't see those two together. Troublemaker in class, bad grades but he brings her candy bars and gives her hugs. It's so sad because I know it's all just a lack of parental teaching. I believe strongly that a parent is a child's first teacher, and if you teach your child he can walk all over you, disrespect you, cuss and do what he pleases how well do you think he's going to do when he waltzes into society and gets bitch slapped by the world? Not well I can assure you. It sets him up to have a life long struggle with authority. I wish I had written this yesterday when it was all still buzzing around my head. We discussed the lack of follow through on the Ex's part. 9K is supposed to go on a trip to Sacramento in March and when teacher met with the Ex, the Ex went into her money problems (oh my god, who does this with complete strangers?) and teacher felt so badly for the Ex she made a huge chart for 9K, with days, and goals and everything. Gave it to the Ex and 9K was supposed to get a sticker every day he did his homework and would earn 2 dollars from mom toward the fifty dollar deposit on the trip. Teacher never heard another thing. (we never even knew about this.) Next we know, she's begging C's mom for the fifty to put down for the trip. Then she tells the teacher she doesn't care about losing the deposit if 9K doesn't get to go because of his grades. *snort* of course she doesn't care. It's not her money. Teacher tells me that she gave up checking 9K's homework binder for signatures because it was never done. Same with his reading log. It was downhill from there. I asked if 9K smelled okay in school and she said she was glad I brought that up because she meant to mention it to the Ex that he reeked all the time. (oh great.) I told her about how they don't get frequent showers, and the living conditions at their home leave much to be desired. She said she suspected as much. I brought up the fact that C and I have been really discussing having 9K come live with us during the week next year, (we just live too far right now, but we are looking for a place closer to them) and she said, I think the situation is drastic enough that he should move to your house NOW. That hit home. She wasn't defending the Ex (which I honestly thought she would do) and has put it to me that unless there are significant changes ASAP, 9K will slide farther and farther into the sinkhole he's in. I asked her if he will get out of 4th grade this year, and she came back with a great answer. She told me, "the question is not 'if' he will graduate 4th grade, it's 'should' he graduate 4th grade? Will holding him back hurt or help? the gap becomes wider every year but the repercussions of repeating a grade are big too." I thought that was a very insightful way of putting it. I'm wondering myself if he should or shouldn't.
So I get home, and when C gets home I discuss everything the teacher told me, showed him the writing book I was loaned to get 9K's report done over the holiday, and then the Ex calls. Screaming that I'm trying to take her place. (umm no, and I wouldn't be doing this if SHE was doing her job like we've told her to do a THOUSAND BILLION times!) So C and her start yelling (pretty usual) and C brings up the idea of 9K living with us and she goes "that will never happen!" Even though those were the arrangements when they first separated. So C tells her that it will be on her shoulders then when he doesn't get out of 4th grade and she is holding him back and impeding him from being the kid we know he can be. So we'll see where that goes...
I saved the best for last. Get. This. So Teacher and I are talking, and another teacher walks by and I get introduced as 9K's future step mom and she goes on about how much she likes 9K and, 'oh btw did Teacher give so-and-so 9K's medical tests'... huh. What tests? Teacher tells me that the Ex is...get this...trying to prove 9K has a learning disability so she can get out of doing any homework with him whatsoever. Make it so he has a special tutor for 'special' kids. Can you believe this? The boy does NOT have anything remotely close to a learning disorder. Yes, he is jumpy but dear lord introduce me to a 9 year old with a high level of testosterone that isn't! 2 years ago the Ex took the boy to get tested for ADHD and the tests showed negative. She dragged him to every doctor she could find until she found one that would give him meds. She never told C, and the only reason he found out was because 9K was acting so weird. All he wanted to do was lay on the couch, (and this is a super super active kid) so he questioned the Ex and she said, oh I put him on meds. *sigh* Needless to say, I'm glad I wasn't around for that fight. Neither C or I believe in medication for ADD or ADHD because it is just a ridiculous way for parents with high energy kids to dull them down. That's fine if you disagree with me, but hey, then don't be asinine and let your baby watch TV. It rewires their little brains and they develop ADD later in life. There are many ways to go about 'fixing' a child who has 'ADD' Set schedules. Stick to routine, don't drag things out...lots of things. Personally I think our society on a whole has ADD. But enough of that. The point is she is trying to prove he has a learning disability! When he clearly doesn't! Just so she can get out of helping him and blame it on something other than herself! UGGGH!
How I feel right now:
frustrated over all
impatient to move and get custody of 9K
nervous about working on his report with him
scared about what his mom has said to him about me 'overstepping'
glad I finally got to set the record straight and let the teacher know C and I are there for 9K
Any advice?
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7 comments:
My husband has ADD, and he HATES medication. He has tried all of the different kinds...The very great majority of kids who are on meds end up choosing to go off of them when they are old enough to choose.
It is too bad that 9k's BM chooses to do this to her child, but I think you would be surprised by the number of parents that do. 9k is not the only little boy put on meds just because his parent can't handle him.
The only advice I have is that I don't think it was that great of an idea for you to meet with his teacher without C. Even if you were married already, that is pushing a boundary. Going with him to a meeting is one thing, but representing 9k's parents at a meeting is another. I would be careful with that in the future.
You go girl. I think it's not just "a good thing" that you're involved in 9K's life, I think it's imperative. The stigma for stepmoms is definitely still out there, so I'm glad that his teacher responded favorably to you.
And don't either of you give up on having 9K come live with you. That may be his only chance at success in life. Fight her... HARD. It's the best thing for him.
I have to respectfully disagree with clevergirl on this one. I don't think you pushed a boundary. I think there's something wrong with today's world that kids can be struggling on so many levels and all of the people that SHOULD care about them don't step in and do something. I think it speaks volumes about your devotion to the kids that you would do that... and stick to it.
Continue to be involved, even if people respond very differently to your involvement than this teacher did. 9K needs you.
Thank you both for your comments. I agree what you say, clevergirl, about kids and meds, and thank you for your honest input.
Stephanie, two words. You. Rock. haha, thank you for that boost. Yeah she responded great to me, was totally enthused that I cared. I wanted C to go, but he works a lot more than I do, so meeting at noon on a thursday just wasn't possible, and it had to be done before the break in my defense. I sat down and wrote a whole example writing assignment for him, and wednesday when we have them, him and I are going to work on it! Thank you again so so much for your confidence in what I'm doing. It makes me smile and feel all strong inside, knowing what I'm doing is the RIGHT thing for him. That's all I care about, his future. Like I said, I wouldn't be doing this if she was doing her job, but she's not and someone, anyone, needs to make sure this kid gets out of this hole and if it's me, so be it. :)
As an experienced stepmother, I have some thoughts. I agree with clevergirl that appearing at the P-T conference sans C was a bit of a boundary push. It might not be in the future, when you've been married a while.
The best thing I did as a "suddenly mother" (newly married, newly stepmothering) was to take a Love & Logic class in parenting. My husband believed in spanking as a discipline tool and I didn't. It got us on the same page, and made life in our house a lot more structured and organized.
You might want to look at this post at SchwabLearning, on positive behavioral plans.
I also wonder if 9k is exhibiting problems with "executive function". See this factsheet from NCLD and this wonderful collection from School Behavior..
As the mother of a dyslexic kid, I always wonder about undiagnosed reading difficulties when kids start struggling in 3rd and 4th grade. See, up till then, smart kids can memorize enough words to get by.
I highly recommend the resources from Susan Barton -- Bright Solutions and The Barton Reading and Spelling System. There are wonderful videos of Barton's presentations on dyslexia and how it affects kids globally at the Bright Solutions site.
It is very difficult getting past the stigma called step-mother when dealing with teachers, unless they are younger ones. I have been the ONLY mother figure in my kids' lives for the past 5 years. The teachers all know me. But when my daughter's teacher was having such problems with her and her grades, she literally through it in my face that she ONLY had the problems because it was a step-mother that was helping her.
When it became known that daughter did indeed have a learning disability, the teacher gave up on her until we would agree to medicate her... We never did. I personally never liked the idea of medication.
As for the boundaries.... that is as I will always think, a personal choice in families... I know my kids' BM hate how involved I am with her kids, but in truth, someone needs to be, since she never cared until Sept. of this year...
Good for you, K. Seriously. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to do what is right. We risk feeling guilty later, we risk pissing off the BM, we risk making the kids feel like we're doing the job their MOM should be doing...but it comes down to this: it's for the kids, it's for their well being. You obviously love those kids a lot, and you are going out of your way to help 9K succeed. I would have done the exact same thing in your situation. I say, keep doing what you're doing. Those kids are lucky to have someone in their life that really truly wants the best for them and will FIGHT for what is right. Power to you sistah.
Thank you Alice and Chelly, I love and am thankful for your constant support! It's great to hear others see and have been through the same trials and tribulations I'm struggling with. Chelly, did you slap that teacher? I would have...haha ;)
Liz, Wow! Thank you for all the sites. I've never heard of Executive function, and I looked at the checklist and it sounds strikingly close to 9K. One thing that hit home was ability to understand lengths of time, and telling a story in sequence. I'll definitly check it out. Thank you everyone again for your comments!!
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