I love Oprah. I really do. But sometimes she can be reaaal wishy-washy, always straddling both sides of the fence to make sure no one ever gets offended. Well, I found this list on her website and it made me laugh, but there were a few on there that I thought were just wacky. These are supposedly 12 things your never supposed to say as a step-mother. I didn't post all 12, because most of them were pretty true, like don't badmouth the Ex in front of the children. But these 5 I thought were a little off track...What do you think?
7. "Have you always done that?" Families have traditions that are meaningful to them. So if your husband and his children insist on watching Hogan's Heroes reruns, putting mayo on hot dogs, collecting rubber bands, or anything else you find distasteful, just keep your mouth shut.
---I agree with this to a certain degree. I think there is a very big difference between putting mayo on hot dogs, and what I would call a tradition. Traditions that make you as a stepmom feel excluded, or go against any of your moral standards you most certainly have a voice in! Yes, families have traditions and since it's a new family, I think it's bout time for new traditions! I don't think it's logical or healthy to "just keep your mouth shut." Unless you don't live there, you've got a say about what goes on in YOUR house!
3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc. Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out. You're better off being wicked.
Whoa Whoa Whoa. I agree wholeheartedly you should never be the fall guy, but seriously shouldn't this have been geared toward how that would make YOU as a stepmom feel rather than how everyone else will feel about you? The distinct feeling of being a doormat is very unpleasant and I think this should have been the point, not that you would become someone everyone resents because you were trying to be nice, and just went too far.
4. "Why the long face?"Your stepchildren are allowed to be sad—they're in mourning. Let them grieve if and when they feel like it. Sorry, but they probably will grieve more around you, since you're the evidence that their parents are never getting back together. Don't call attention to their sorrow; remove yourself, and get Dad to be a mom at this point. Their depression will pass—they're kids.
I'm not quite sure I understand this one. Yes, some people do get married during the mourning period, but either way, I think you have a right to ask why they feel sad? It could have NOTHING to do with you existing. And why would someone ask you to constantly deliberately think about the fact that you are the surviving evidence that their parents will never be back together? Ugh, if I thought that's what the kids were thinking every time they looked at me, and looked kinda sad, I'd be a wack-job.
8. "Your room is a pigsty!" Something's got to give, and neatness should be it. If the situation is desperate and the kids are growing subspecies in their space, get Dad to go in there and organize a cleanup. Life is messy, and it's even messier when you choose a man with children. But remember: It's better to have a man with kids than one without kids who flosses his cat's teeth.
What? Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me I don't have a say about the neatness of a room in my house? That I have to wait until subspecies are growing before I'm allowed to ask my husband to intervene? (Not that he would. He would probably just call the new form of bacterial growth "cool" and leave it be.) Yeah, I don't think so. I think you shouldn't bat an eyelash over a toy or piece of clothing on the ground, but if the child is old enough to maintain his/her own room, they should be held to that. 10k HATES cleaning his room, but that doesn't mean he gets out of it just because I'm a stepmom? I. Don't. Think. So.
12. "It's them or me." It will always have to be them. Your stepchildren are jealous of you. But admit it, you're jealous of them, too. If you make it a battlefield, this is a battle you'll lose.
Ok, I believe that this statement should never be said, but it is the undertone for every conflict you and your husband have. Also if you're a Christian then you KNOW you come first. There is no such thing as a marriage working if anyone but your spouse comes first. It doesn't matter if it's his parents, your cat, your baby together or the sofa no one can sit on. If your spouse feels something, or anything is more important to you than them, the marriage is doomed. I remember feeling so left out, and so unneeded before we started counselling. The couple who counseled us is a blended family, he brought one son to marriage, she has no kids of her own. She dealt with the feelings of being inferior, always second for 2 years. I don't know how she did that. She was ready to leave the marriage, when her husband finally got a clue. They were able to save there marriage, and her husband realized that putting his son in front of his wife was causing serious damage. It also doesn't give kids the healthy model of a good relationship. He talked with C at length about how it's not bad for the kids to do this, it's biblical, and it will make us stronger. It did. I never have to worry about my vote not counting anymore. This all went down about 2 months before the wedding. I hit a point where I knew if things didn't change, no matter how much I loved this man, I couldn't rightfully say 'till death do us part' because I knew in my heart it couldn't be true. C changed his way of thinking, and our relationship grew stronger, and it's been 5 months since that happened and everything is so much better. Demand to be first ladies. For your own sanity and for the kids!
That's all I have to say today. :)
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4 comments:
Feeling a bit deflated in the step world today but I'll bite.
Here's my 2 cents on O's list...
O's #7: Bull. You're entitled to your opinion just as the kids are entitled to theirs. I put ketchup on scrambled eggs and they think it's weird and that's ok. They say "punch bug" when they see a VW bug instead of "slug bug" like we used to when we were kids and I think that's weird and that okay with them. I give #7 a big ol' whatever!
O's#3: Not sure what's she's trying to say- Don't be nice, Don't be helpful, Let them fend for themselves?? If you do they’ll feel icky and guilty. Hmmm… None of which I can agree with in good conscience
O’s#4: I not only have the right to ask what’s wrong if they’re sad, but the responsibility to provide for their happiness (to a certain extent.)
O’s#8: My house, my rules too. That’s baloney.
O’s#12: I’d hope to think that I’m number one but lately I’ve been feeling a little lower on the totem pole. I’ll leave this one TBD.
I agree with Stepmonster's comments, and yours too. I think there are too many folks out there who aren't stepmothers (ahem... Oprah) trying to make rules for those of us who are. To them I say, there's no parenting handbook that fits every kid, and there's no handbook that fits every stepparenting situation either. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes, do NOT write a list of idiotic rules that only fit your own life.
Because I WILL make them clean their rooms. I'm paying the mortgage. And I WILL ask them what the heck is the matter with them. I have to spend 24/7 with them all except 4 days per month. I WILL ask them what the heck is up with their weird ideas, and it might just be because I'm game to try it out. And I WILL make sure that I come first in My Hubby's life. That's just the way it should be.
So there. :)
Oprah is an idiot.
i have a stepmom and i think most of this is true she shouldnt question what we are doing and she especially shouldnt come first my dad is important to me and i dont think she even cares she thinks she owns everything and she needs to get over it we come first
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