So the Ex refused to speak with both of us for a few days, but Sunday 8K had a serious pain in her mouth from her screwed up dental work, so I called her and asked her to please pick up the girls early. She was nice, even kind. She got to my house, ooh'ed and ahh'ed over my kitten, and spoke to me as if none of that had ever happened and we were buddies again. She took the girls home, then let us know 8K had a dental appointment scheduled for Tuesday. Then Monday morning I went to volunteer in 5K's classroom, and she was there because she hangs around for a few minutes in the morning, and she just chatted with me like this wasn't seriously awkward, and then left. Nothing weird at all. I worked in 5K's class till 12:30, then went over to 8K's class. I took a deep breath and walked in. The kids were at lunch so I took a moment to look around the room, see 8K's artwork and poems, then the teacher walked in. We sat down and spoke, she felt defensive because of the letter we had sent, and let me know she was brand new to this school and was just trying to follow protocol. I still didn't like her, but I offered to stay and help until 1:30 when I had to leave to go pick up C, since I had taken the car. So I stayed and helped 8K with her math, then the whole class with spelling. She was nice enough, and since all the paper work with the school is now in order, willing to speak with me. C put a letter in at the office giving the school and teachers permission on everything.
I picked up C at 2, then we went and picked up 10K as he was walking home. Right then my phone rings. The mom of the babies I used to nanny for was frantic. The new nanny had left the 22 month old baby in a car, while she went shopping, and another customer saw this, called the cops, the cops had come, waited for the nanny to walk out of the store, and altogether they assume baby was in the car for 30 minutes up to an hour. alone. with the doors unlocked. (Free Car! Free Baby!) So the cops called the mom and now no one could pick up the 4 year old, so C and I went and got him from his speach class, and took him to the park. Now 10K was fussing before we picked him up that he didn't want to do homework right away. So by the time the mom met us at micky D's about 2 hours later, he had escaped from it, and gotten fast food during the school week. So we go home. 10K is throwing a totally hissy fit over his homework, screaming and crying, the whole nine yards. C ran to the store to return a movie and the hissy fit continues. I tell 10K I have had ENOUGH of the whining, crying, complaining, and he was to stay in his room, finish his homework, with his door shut. Well, he didn't want his door shut, and persisted to physically fight me to keep it open. I had to pick him up, under his armpits, place him in the middle of the room, and run and slam the door. He was screaming. After I finally got it shut, he gave up the power struggle and sat on his bed screaming I hate him and that I should just admit he's the stupidest kid I've ever met, on and on and on. C gets home and I've my keys at the ready. I left. I was gone until after 10K went to bed. I read at the bookstore. So I finally came home, and C and I talked a bit about it, and I let it go. 10K had called me at the bookstore to apologize, and so I left it alone. Chalked it up to a one time thing. So yesterday I did laundry, I folded everything, and was having 10K put his things on hangers and in their drawers. Well, I opened a drawer to find clean shirts from last time I did laundry shoved in it, and I picked them up and put them on his bed for him to hang. He says, "No." and throws it on the floor. I picked it right back up and said, "YES!" and put it back on his bed, and this time he throws it at me. I catch it and tell him, fine, I will throw it away if you don't want to take care of your things. So he goes, "Fine." and I go to walk out of his room and throw it in the trashcan. At this point he makes a grab for it, and I hold it above my head. I'm still a little taller than him. He is yanking on me, pulling my arm, and I hold my arm out to push him off, and he says he will hang it, so I give it too him and storm out. Physical, again! Is all I could think. So I walk around the house for a few minutes, and calm down. I then go back in his room to tell him the things in his drawer need to be folded, and he yells "Don't Hit Me!" The second I walked in the room. I stood stunned. I have never hit him, never would. Which I said. He then claims that when I held my arm out to keep him off me I hit him in the mouth. Great says I. 10K called his friend and was invited to their house, so I let him go...laundry half done, room still a mess, I just wanted him out. C got home and I told him what happened. It will only be a year or so before he's bigger than me...What then?
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5 comments:
What's his counselor say about him starting to get physical?
Other than that he just learned that to get his own way- throw a fit with you. You'll want peace and him gone and he gets to leave without doing what you wanted. That's the hard part of parenting- sticking to and making punishments when the one feeling like they're being punished is yourself. I have 4 boys and finally caught on about 5 years ago when I heard the oldest telling one of the younger ones that that was his strategy. He'd throw a big enough fit that I wouldn't want him around and he got his own way. Can you say busted?
Wow! That whole thing with 10K sounds not good at all. Is there any chance that you all could get into some family therapy? Sounds like he needs a place to put his angry feelings so they're not directed at you. When I had similar issues with Shaggy and then we ended up doing play therapy together, it was the best thing that ever happened to us!
It doesn't sound like the teacher with the issue is quite there, but like she might eventually come around. I know it's tough for them to deal with our "situations" because they often feel caught in the middle. I'm glad you got a chance to talk with her directly and stay for awhile. Maybe that will help her feel more at ease.
I hope the lady you used to nanny for is pressing charges. Unbelievable!
I feel terrible for you. It sounds like such a difficult situation, and it also sounds like 10k has figured out a way to manipulate your reaction into getting what he wants. I agree with Amy. It sounds like he views you as more of a "safe haven" or a friend instead of an authority figure. I understand wanting him out of the house, although I think now he'll expect to just throw a fit and get his way anytime the two of you disagree. I've been reading this book called "Parenting with Love and Logic" and it's helped a lot...that's pretty much my whole two cents. I can't offer any real advice, just support.
One thing though: if he does hit you or hurt you, I would recommend calling Adult Protective Services. That way you could document that he is being physically abusive with you, that you are not responding in a physically abusive manner. If he's gotten to this point at such a young age and is already acting as though he thinks you might hit him, he may call Child Protective Services and tell lies about you. APS would just be a method of documenting what's going on and protecting yourself from any possible lies.
Wow, that's rough. I specialise in behaviour problems & would hazard a guess at 10K having some kind of anxiety problems. I've not read all of your blog yet so forgive me if I am stepping over the line. He needs clear boundaries and consistency - he does A so you do B, regardless! Once he works out that you will not react to his behaviour and once he can predict your behaviour his outbursts should reduce. You have to think about which battles are worth fighting and you have to get smart with your battle plan. I'm not sure if by picking the shirt up and holding it above your head would have given him mixed messages, personally I'd have left the shirt there, given him clear instructions that I expected it to be hung up then walked away. It's a good idea to reflect with him on such incidents (wait until he is calm), putting the focus on how his actions made you feel and ask him how he thinks you could have handlied the situation better. Not a cop out at all, but a way for him to realise his actions have an effect on you and that he has a choice about how he behaves.
Sorry for the lecture & I hope you find a way through this.
Why is your husband the one going to the store when HIS child is acting out ?
you go do errands and let HIM deal with HIS Son..
boys especially need their dads at this age ..
stop trying to control everything , hand it over to his father
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