Harsh and Confusing

I met with a woman from my church the other night and although I told everyone it went fantastic, and parts of it really did, I felt more confused than at ease by the end of our meeting. Let's call her Rachel, because she reminds me of someone named Rachel. First of all, Rachel has had a really hard life, and I feel for her, I totally do. She was abused emotionally as a child, married a man whose sole occupation in life was to cater to his son and only after really coming to know God and 2 years of hell did things start to turn around. She is terrified of having her own children which makes me sad because she would be a wonderful mom. She is really a great person, with good intentions and an open heart. There were just a few things said that made me look closer afterwards and think if those things were about me, or about her. I ranted mostly about 10K and how hard things are, how C and I have a hard time staying on the same page, the fits 10K throws and the resentment I'm trying to buffer against. I explained that C and I want to have a baby and she said we shouldn't because we weren't on the same page with 10K. Now, I do understand this because how are we going to raise another child when we can't even agree how to raise the one already living in our house! I totally think that same-page-ness is important, and C and I have both sat down and decided this will be an ongoing conversation and we will work hard at it. After she said that, she went on to say how perhaps I should look at like This is the family God gave me and I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it...I mentally shook my head and raised an eyebrow. I understand that I made a covenant. I do. I don't want out of my marriage! Rachel told me about a friend who was leaving her horrible loveless marriage and how she was mad at Rachel for telling her she should stay. Now, don't get me wrong, because I am a Christian and I do believe marriage should be forever, but I also believe there are very legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. Your husband beats you? Stay! Uh, no. He cheats on you constantly? Stay! Uh, no. You've tried everything from marriage counseling to shock therapy and nothing has worked? Stay Anyways! Uh...NO. I tried to tell her about my blog and said that most of the women are Christian and she said that was so good because non-Christians will constantly be telling me to get out of my marriage. What? Most of my real-life friends aren't Christians and NOT ONCE has anyone ever told me to get out. Rachel made me feel like I was asking for a divorce, that I was looking for a way out. Which isn't what I was doing at all! I just wanted advice on how to be a better communicator and deal with 10K. So after we talked I drove home, and the whole way I was confused. I was really clear about not wanting to end my marriage, (I even said those words!) I also was clear that we ARE going to have a child. I know we have to work on being on the same page and straightening out 10K, but I'm not going to just sit back and go, oh I made my bed I guess I should sleep in it and be miserable. Yech. So I am taking what I can of the conversation and using it and discarding the rest. Also I've been letting C handle all things 10K and stepping wayyyyy back. :) Be proud. It's hard.

House!

C and I decided that with us extending our family in the next year or so it was time to get out of the craphole apartment we live in where kids are not allowed to skateboard, ride their bikes, rollerblade or do anything that might cause "noise". We found a beautiful house, in a cul-de-sac, on the same street as his parents! The kids already have tons of friends there, not to mention we can just send them over to Grandma and Grandpa's whenever! We move May 1st so if you don't hear from me for a while it's not my usual laziness, it's that I'm packing/moving/setting up new internet. :) My brother is going to live with us for about a year (aka until my nesting instincts give way and I just HAVE to have the nursery set up) I am sooo excited. I am sick of living in an apartment. A tiny apartment at that. Thing I am most excited about: a washer and dryer! I am so sick of lugging loads of laundry up to our expensive, dirty laundromat. Now I can just toss a load in and go to work! No more camping out on top of washers so no one steals my clothes. Now my brother won't be camping out in my living room either! I'm excited because now I get to buy new furniture because we don't have enough for a 2000 sq ft house! We live in a 900 sq ft apartment. That's over twice our living space. Ah and no more freeway noise! :) There are so many things I'm excited for! :D Praise the Lord!!!! For He is Good!!!

Release Cont.

Okay so I know my last post was probably a lot to digest, and (believe it or not) I left a lot out! I just really hope it didn't put anyone off. What are you if not your story? When I think about my life, and everything I've seen and experienced in the past 24 years, I'm amazed. My life has been one crazy moment after the next and I've been struggling with the normality of the past 8 months. I enjoy the roller coaster of self-destruction, that adrenaline rush of hurdling toward a cliff and stopping only moments before you go over the edge. I do understand mortality and if I kept it up one of these times I will loose my footing and plummet, but none of that seems to matter when everything is chaos. I dated one guy right before C and he told me if I didn't stop what I was doing, he knew he would be attending my funeral within 2 years. He was probably right. Perhaps the insanity with C was akin to a forth of July firework finale. Perhaps I'm supposed to just settle down and be content with homework duty, cooking dinner, watching movies in the evenings, and going to bed at 10. I think a more 'in-line' suggestion for my personality is to get a hobby. So I've picked something I've always loved, am very good at, and pumps you with adrenaline. I've started riding again. I was an avid dressage (English) horseback rider for a while before I met C. I took lessons for about 6 months and before that had done many many trail rides. I just went riding again for the first time in over 2 years on Monday. It was fantastic. Sunday I'm going again. I went with my brothers girlfriend because she owns 2 horses (lucky!) and she hit the head on the nail with this statement: "This, this right here, is my therapy." I almost cried. I need alone time, I need adrenaline. Problem solved :) C said if I can find a decently priced one, I can lease a horse! *yay* Okay, enough about moi.



The Kids

I've taken a big step back with 10K. He is refusing to go to therapy any more, and C refuses to make him. He got in biiiiiiig trouble not last week but the week before. He forged a teachers signiture then tried to lie his way out of it. He was grounded for a week. The longest we've ever ground him. C and I fought those last few days because C wanted to let him off and I reinforced that by letting him off you are just proving you don't mean what you say, and completely voids any punishment whatsoever. It was trying. I've stopped doing just about everything. I don't tell him what to do, and I can see it's getting to C. Example: Usually when its time for 10K to get in the shower, C says, "10K, get in the shower." Then goes away to sit on the balcony, in our room, to the store, wherever. Leaving me to do the, GET IN THE SHOWER NOOOOW! part after 10 minutes go by and he's still just dawdling. So, instead I opted out. C said, "Get in the shower 10K." Then C went on the balcony. 10K played with a ball. C came back in, "Get in the shower. Now." 10K played with the cat. C came back in, "I SAID NOW!" 10K plays with the ball and the cat. (20 minutes has gone by now.) 10K pokes his head out the sliding glass door and says, "You want me to get in the shower now?" And C says "No. Now it's too late. Get in bed!" and 10K responds with, "NOOOO I want to take a shower! I'm getting in the shower!" I'm humming to myself and playing solitaire. I'm tired of arguing, fighting the rudeness...it's so lame. Can't 6 months be here now so I can be getting pregnant and not have the time or energy to waste on fighting with him? I can't wait to have my own baby. Hope everyone has a good day!

Release

Okay so I have been busy writing. Unfortunately none of that has been on here. I have been journaling stuff that is a bit too private/angry to blast you poor unsuspecting souls. It's mostly boring blather anyways. This, is much more interesting.

Next week C and I have been joined at the hip for 2 years. 2 years of trials and tribulations. It's been a really tough road. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on where we were 2 years ago, verses where we are now and it is amazing the changes God has led us through. 2 years ago I was a depressed alcoholic who used men for 2 things, money and sex. C was addicted to meth and in a gang. We were a perfect match in a Bonnie and Clyde sort of way. We were both bent on our paths of self-destruction. Both of us had written off God, thinking: "if he exists, he sure as hell doesn't care about me". We went on one camping trip together after months of late night hook-up's. After that trip our worlds revolved around one thing, each other. We did everything together. We didn't care who we hurt with our selfish desire to be together. We didn't care that we were both on our own downward plummet to rock bottom. It was intense. We fought with our parents, we fought with our friends. It was truly Romeo and Juliet (the screwed up version). No one thought we should be together. After only being together for 2 months we decided to leave everyone behind and move away. We moved 2 hours north of everyone. Now it was time to face real problems, like we didn't have money, and I was only working 10 hours a week. We made it into a fantasy because we had a big beautiful house we couldn't pay for and never once spoke about our money problems. We didn't talk about anything. After a month and a half, I started getting calls from the land lord. C said he paid, she said no way. I had to choose a side and I chose hers. Things blew up. We tore each other down to the core. We screamed for hours about the things that had been bothering us like I found his meth pipe and knew for sure he was using, and he knew I was spending my time talking to and seeing guys that were supposed to be my past. I packed my truck and left the next day. I moved back in with my parents, who like the prodigal son, were just happy to have me home safe. We didn't talk about it. (It's my families motto, don't talk about it and maybe it will go away) I had done horrible things to my family, like scream at my mom, let C scream at my mom, I even moved out when my mom wasn't home and didn't even say good bye. I wanted to be rid of the pain I suffered. Technically we were broken up, but we still saw each other. I was seeing ex boyfriends to try and take the edge off, reverting to old habits. I had a scare. I told C I was pregnant and he went crazy. He didn't care, he wanted me anyways, but I had to do it. I called the cops and he spent 2 nights in jail. I had to try and leave him because I thought I was pregnant with my ex's child. After that I laid in bed for days and was sick. I was heart sick. It turned out I wasn't pregnant, or lost the baby, I'll never know. It felt like half of me had been ripped away and it took everything left in me to hold myself together. I thought constantly of suicide. For two weeks I suffered, in my head it felt like 2 years. Torn between what was "the right thing to do" (never ever speak to C again) or call him. It was 2 am, mid/late July sometime, and I was awake as I had been the past 2 weeks. I was crying and just wanted to hear his voice so I called. I said nothing. He said, "Baby is that you? Please tell me its you" And I cried. My soul tore. I cried yes over and over again. He said, come outside. I said what? He told me out of nowhere he woke up and just knew he had to walk to my house. I ran to him. I told him I wasn't pregnant. We sat and talked until the sun came up. We still had that connection. Now to rebuild what had been so badly broken. For a few weeks we saw each other and told no one. I pretended I was seeing another guy to my parents. I didn't tell my friends, because they all hated him. Finally I broke down and told my best friend and she supported me. She wanted above all for me to be happy. She put it great, "K always follows my advice, and this one time she didn't. That shows me just how much she wants this, and I want her to be happy." C quit meth. I swore I would never see another man as long as I live. We told a few close friends. On August 20th, 2007 C asked me to marry him. I said yes. We had a small party with friends. It was a start. Now for my parents. There are no words to describe the loathing they felt for him. I couldn't tell them I was engaged to a man they would rather kill than ever see me with, so I hid it. C and I started building a relationship with his parents, and his kids. We heard about the pastor at the church we now go to and started going. We let God come back into our lives. Finally after 5 months of hiding and pretending I finally sat my parents down and told them. They flipped. They said they never wanted to see him. They wouldn't come to the wedding. They never wanted to see the kids. I said I understood, but it was my life and I was going to do it anyway. It ripped me apart inside. I love my parents and my brother and sister. I wanted them to be part of my life. I prayed and prayed to this God that my pastor said loved me. I prayed for him to heal these wounds. C wrote my parents a letter begging forgiveness. Slowly the ice started to thaw. March led us into a dinner with my parents. By April my mom could talk to him and actually smile. By May we were talking wedding plans. On July 19th, 2008, my Dad walked my down the aisle and handed me to my future husband. Now, 8 months later, we are in a place I never thought we would be. My dad and C hang out and drink beer together while laughing and talk about fishing. My mom gives him hugs. My parents love his kids, the kids call them Nana and Papa. My mom is (already) buying baby shower stuff. (She likes to get a head start on that type of thing) We go to church just about every Sunday. Gang life, drugs and deception is behind us. We live a modest life, in a nice community. If you weren't there for the story you would never believe it. After all, who was Romeo and Juliet, but us?