Wow. I can't believe it has been 2 months since I have come to my favorite resting spot. No wonder I'm frazzled and at my wits end. Things have gone so downhill guys; I don't even know where to start. Well, how about we start with the positive? :) That always makes me happy. My wedding has been moved up to July 19th, so needless to say I've spent every waking moment, sleeping moment and zombie-in-between moments thinking and planning. My parents have been excellent with the kids, and my first Mother's Day made me cry tears of happiness. 9K made me a jewelry box he painted all by himself, 8K made me a picture frame she painted all by herself and 4K made me a necklace and bracelet set all by herself. C, my most wonderful and thoughtful fiancé took them to the crafts store and let them all pick out what they wanted to make me. It was really great.
Now onto the 'not-so-great' part. The ex, whom at one point, (if any one person has read my blog in its entirety..I'm sorry.) was phrased by me to be a sane and functional person, although rather neglectful of personal hygiene. Since we announced our new wedding date? She has gone full-blown postal. Our entire lives revolve around 'ex-management'. I had a breaking point last night where I just said, "I can't live like this! Where are we, and how did we come to be here?" She was merely a nuisance before. She was just an annoying fly buzzing around my peripheral vision but now she is a wasp attacking my face. Her calls have been on an upward spiral from anywhere between once to five times a night. She is guilt-tripping the kids for giving me mothers day presents. She is telling 9K he has anxiety attacks because he gets short of breath sometimes. She told him he is going to die if he eats candy. I wouldn't be surprised if she CAUSED him to have an anxiety attack. 9K feels and sees the new tension between his mommy dearest and I, and I think it is causing him pain. I just don't know what to do. I smile and put on a happy face when I just want to punch her square in the mouth. It's so stressful. I'm sure most of you have to deal with this day in and day out and I'm sure I sound like I'm whining. Which I am. heh. At least I still have my sense of humor, right? So I tried to talk to C about it today, but unfortunately K and word-speaking-good don’t go together so well. I guess it came out that I don’t want the kids around because our lives revolve around this, when that just doesn’t sound like what I’m trying to say. I don't know how to say what it is I feel. I just want C to myself for like, 2 seconds. Example: We had dinner with both of our parents last week. It was wonderful right up until she called to yell about something. He excused himself from the table and went outside to talk to her and I was left to fill the awkward gap for 15 minutes until I went out and got him and told him to get off the phone that instant. I can't even have one dinner without being rudely reminded she exists. If he doesn't answer the phone she flips and starts calling both of us alternately. So I enacted a rule today. She can call, leave a message and if she wants to talk to 9K, he will call her back, otherwise she can leave it in the message whatever is on her mind that stupid second. What do you think? Is it too much? Not enough? Should I build a fort of pillows and blankets around me with crayon drawn pictures of "no ex's allowed"? I feel so trapped. Its got me clawing at the celing. I hope people still stop by here, even if it's been months since I've written. I need advice! Lemme know what ya'll think.
Grumpy in her fort,
K
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8 comments:
It's not too much. You have every right to enact a rule regarding her phone calls. Unless it is an absolute emergency when she has the kids and needs to inform you of an injury etc., or she needs to talk to the kids then there is absolutely no other reason for her to be making phone calls. I would even give her a time frame of when she can call to speak with the kids so that she isn't calling at all hours of the day claiming she needs to speak to them. I'd give like an hour time span a day, like say 6-7 PM or something and tell her that all other calls will not be answered and she is to leave a msg. If she has an issue to address, inform her she can do it through email. There is no need for any un-necessary communication between her, your soon to be hubby, or you. If you don't already, it may help to read Mister M's blog...he has some good ideas on low-contact with high maintenance ex's.
Forgot to say, "Yay on the upcoming wedding. How exciting!"
BOUNDARIES AND LOW-CONTACT.
They are of paramount importance. 5x per night is unacceptable. Your DH needs to start not being quite so accessible - otherwise the chaos and terror she brings to your lives will never stop.
Appropriate Means of Contact with High-Conflict Personalities
You can also just click on the "low-contact" label on my blog to see about very specific experiences as well as more tips & tricks.
It takes patience, practice, and discipline... but you must do it.
As for the children... here's what you can do.
Let them talk about what happened and reinforce that the good things that they do for others will are not bad. You don't want to overtly denigrate mom, but you can certainly indicate that she is "mistaken" or "incorrect." Not that she is a mean, alienating pscyho-bitch.
She feels threatened by your pending marriage so she is going to continue to escalate.
Mitigate the damage she causes yourself via low-contact methods.
Mitigate the damage she causes the children by reinforcing that the good things that they do are good, are appreciated, and no one can take that away from them. Continue to encourage and cultivate this part of their personalities.
Review your court order regarding phone contact. Frequency. Time. If it's broad, you're in the driver's seat. "Reasonable" contact may be once every other day. If you can stomach it, it may be everyday. It may be only 2 or 3 times per week. It is whatever will help your family limit her intrusion into your daily lives while not violating the court order.
You may want to hit my "parallel parenting" label, too. I really need to do a more in-depth post on that.
So...yay for the wedding!
And...yeah I just wouldn't answer the phone anymore. And I would change my number. She doesn't need your number anyhow, and your soon-to-be hubby needs to set limits and not answer his phone that much either.
When Dh and I got our cell phones, we put them in my name because then she could not demand the numbers. Granted the house phone was also in my name, we freely gave that. We made sure she did not have a way to get our cell numbers, then, she came out for two weeks, she needed at least my cell number. I regreted the day she got that number. If she couldn't get the kids at home, she called my cell. It didn't matter where we were or what we were doing. I told her that I would no longer answer her calls, and she could text me. If it was something that needed to be resolved at that time, I would answer back, other wise, it could wait for their weekly phone call on Sunday night. It went good with that.
Congrats on the upcoming wedding...
Good for you! I wish I had to guts to put limits on my own contact with the ex. I have in some ways, but still find myself in the midst of the drama that I want no part of. I hope your limits work in your situation.
I hate to say it, but it's going to get worse before it's gets better. Stiff upper lip, girly. Don't let her ruin your special time. She needs to understand there are boundaries.
Best wishes!
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