Release

Okay so I have been busy writing. Unfortunately none of that has been on here. I have been journaling stuff that is a bit too private/angry to blast you poor unsuspecting souls. It's mostly boring blather anyways. This, is much more interesting.

Next week C and I have been joined at the hip for 2 years. 2 years of trials and tribulations. It's been a really tough road. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on where we were 2 years ago, verses where we are now and it is amazing the changes God has led us through. 2 years ago I was a depressed alcoholic who used men for 2 things, money and sex. C was addicted to meth and in a gang. We were a perfect match in a Bonnie and Clyde sort of way. We were both bent on our paths of self-destruction. Both of us had written off God, thinking: "if he exists, he sure as hell doesn't care about me". We went on one camping trip together after months of late night hook-up's. After that trip our worlds revolved around one thing, each other. We did everything together. We didn't care who we hurt with our selfish desire to be together. We didn't care that we were both on our own downward plummet to rock bottom. It was intense. We fought with our parents, we fought with our friends. It was truly Romeo and Juliet (the screwed up version). No one thought we should be together. After only being together for 2 months we decided to leave everyone behind and move away. We moved 2 hours north of everyone. Now it was time to face real problems, like we didn't have money, and I was only working 10 hours a week. We made it into a fantasy because we had a big beautiful house we couldn't pay for and never once spoke about our money problems. We didn't talk about anything. After a month and a half, I started getting calls from the land lord. C said he paid, she said no way. I had to choose a side and I chose hers. Things blew up. We tore each other down to the core. We screamed for hours about the things that had been bothering us like I found his meth pipe and knew for sure he was using, and he knew I was spending my time talking to and seeing guys that were supposed to be my past. I packed my truck and left the next day. I moved back in with my parents, who like the prodigal son, were just happy to have me home safe. We didn't talk about it. (It's my families motto, don't talk about it and maybe it will go away) I had done horrible things to my family, like scream at my mom, let C scream at my mom, I even moved out when my mom wasn't home and didn't even say good bye. I wanted to be rid of the pain I suffered. Technically we were broken up, but we still saw each other. I was seeing ex boyfriends to try and take the edge off, reverting to old habits. I had a scare. I told C I was pregnant and he went crazy. He didn't care, he wanted me anyways, but I had to do it. I called the cops and he spent 2 nights in jail. I had to try and leave him because I thought I was pregnant with my ex's child. After that I laid in bed for days and was sick. I was heart sick. It turned out I wasn't pregnant, or lost the baby, I'll never know. It felt like half of me had been ripped away and it took everything left in me to hold myself together. I thought constantly of suicide. For two weeks I suffered, in my head it felt like 2 years. Torn between what was "the right thing to do" (never ever speak to C again) or call him. It was 2 am, mid/late July sometime, and I was awake as I had been the past 2 weeks. I was crying and just wanted to hear his voice so I called. I said nothing. He said, "Baby is that you? Please tell me its you" And I cried. My soul tore. I cried yes over and over again. He said, come outside. I said what? He told me out of nowhere he woke up and just knew he had to walk to my house. I ran to him. I told him I wasn't pregnant. We sat and talked until the sun came up. We still had that connection. Now to rebuild what had been so badly broken. For a few weeks we saw each other and told no one. I pretended I was seeing another guy to my parents. I didn't tell my friends, because they all hated him. Finally I broke down and told my best friend and she supported me. She wanted above all for me to be happy. She put it great, "K always follows my advice, and this one time she didn't. That shows me just how much she wants this, and I want her to be happy." C quit meth. I swore I would never see another man as long as I live. We told a few close friends. On August 20th, 2007 C asked me to marry him. I said yes. We had a small party with friends. It was a start. Now for my parents. There are no words to describe the loathing they felt for him. I couldn't tell them I was engaged to a man they would rather kill than ever see me with, so I hid it. C and I started building a relationship with his parents, and his kids. We heard about the pastor at the church we now go to and started going. We let God come back into our lives. Finally after 5 months of hiding and pretending I finally sat my parents down and told them. They flipped. They said they never wanted to see him. They wouldn't come to the wedding. They never wanted to see the kids. I said I understood, but it was my life and I was going to do it anyway. It ripped me apart inside. I love my parents and my brother and sister. I wanted them to be part of my life. I prayed and prayed to this God that my pastor said loved me. I prayed for him to heal these wounds. C wrote my parents a letter begging forgiveness. Slowly the ice started to thaw. March led us into a dinner with my parents. By April my mom could talk to him and actually smile. By May we were talking wedding plans. On July 19th, 2008, my Dad walked my down the aisle and handed me to my future husband. Now, 8 months later, we are in a place I never thought we would be. My dad and C hang out and drink beer together while laughing and talk about fishing. My mom gives him hugs. My parents love his kids, the kids call them Nana and Papa. My mom is (already) buying baby shower stuff. (She likes to get a head start on that type of thing) We go to church just about every Sunday. Gang life, drugs and deception is behind us. We live a modest life, in a nice community. If you weren't there for the story you would never believe it. After all, who was Romeo and Juliet, but us?