As my world readjusts

So I know it's been a good 10 months since I have written on here. And I miss it. I was glad to come back and see most are doing well. The world of step families is a pretty crazy one. There are many things I left out over my periods of writing, and perhaps here and now is the time to share them with you all. C was an abusive husband. Not just verbally, but also physically. I hoped for so sooo long that something would change him, but nothing ever did. It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved him, it could not change the essence of his being. As far as I know, the kids are alright, due to restraining orders/threats I have not seen them in almost a month. I miss them so much. Some relationships are doomed from the very start, and I feel ours was one of them. I chose to write today because today was the day I filed my divorce papers. It was very bittersweet. I'm so glad to finally be free of the abuse and get on with my life, seeing as I'm only 25, but I feel it is part of my duty as a human being, a survivor, a previous step mother and a woman to talk about this. I think the very hardest part was those first steps out the door. I've heard for so long that I could never make it on my own, that I almost believed it. I also struggle with the stigma that abuse survivors deal with. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't deal with it and couldn't move forward with anything. It was like being stuck in cement, no matter which way I tried to turn, there felt like there was no escape. I feel that women who stay in relationships are broken in their own right, just as I was. They become so buried in emotions that reality and fact are like a mist, surreal and ethereal. I was/am so in love with C that I refused for a very long time to admit how broken our relationship was. Looking back it seems so clear but at the time I can assure you it was not. I struggled with wanting to leave Coy since last summer, but I am a stubborn person and on some bad advice tried to make things work between us. Just like always it got better for a few months, then went right back down the tubes. I was finally able to admit to myself that the relationship I was in was in no way, shape, or form, healthy for me. Perhaps it was the longing for peace that finally led me to leave. And it is wonderful. :) My only hope is that instead of the pity that most feel towards women who stayed in abusive relationships will abate, and instead hope and joy can be found in the strength it took them to leave. I am so proud of myself, and I want everyone to be happy I made it out before he did me in. I am enjoying many things I wasn't allowed to have/do before, like go out with my friends, have private phone conversations, go clothes shopping and have time to myself.

I think when you take the step, and file paperwork for divorce, no matter how rough or awful a marriage was there is a sadness and even mourning in it. I loved him. With all my heart and soul. I wouldn't have stood for any of the things I did if I hadn't. I am glad to say I am not easily broken and even after 3 years of detrimental physical and verbal abuse my spirit never broke. It saddens my heart to know that his life has lost meaning and from what I hear he is sinking into a pit of despair from which he may never emerge. But, that is his choice not mine. To finally sit down and say, "No, there is no hope of reconciliation-I'm done", was hard to do, but also necessary. I do miss the little things that came with someone knowing you well, and we had many, many good times together that I will always cherish. I think the most important first step was forgiveness. I will never say it was okay what he did, but I can freely forgive him because this lightens my soul. The resentment and hatred that builds from being in a relationship like that is easy to hold on to. I've seen it many times with ex-wives. I refuse. I am determined to be happy, but right now I am very focused on my own healing. I have lots of plans for my future and for a while that means being alone which isn't easy after being with the same person, my best friend, day in and day out for the last 3 years. Those moments when you forget and pick up the phone to call can be very devastating. They have faded with time, but that is a loss that I feel will make my heart heavy for a bit longer. I am determined to never be in a relationship pattern like that again. The word relationship actually makes me want to go running for the hills right now. C is/was convinced that I left him for another man, but I guess it's easier to make oneself believe a self-preserving lie than have to admit that someone left them because of who they are inside. I hope in time he sees where his choices have led him and makes change on his own, for his sake. Well it's 2 am and I just needed to get all that off my chest so I can sleep.

It's good to be home. :)

-K