4 years ago today

Flipping back through my blog I read a post I had written 4 years ago, September of 2007. The sadness and struggle I went through trying to "fix" a severely broken family just overwhelms me at times. It's been a year and a half since I've seen or spoken to C's son. He turned 13 this year. It's been about a month since I've spoken to his daughters, who are 11 and (turning) 8. I saw them a while back...but sometimes it just hurts too much. Knowing I can't change or fix them, or their shattered lives makes it difficult to think of them, and although 11K and I text from time to time I can't focus much on them without the accompanying pain.

Also, I spent a while going through others blogs and it's weird to see almost all of them have turned into ex-step-mom blogs too. It certainly was a weird transition. No one tells you how to grieve for a family you lost, but never really had.

I am happily almost done with school, working a couple jobs and my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby. :) Now that's going to be exciting. As much as he wants to get married I have a very difficult time with the idea of marriage, so we will see about that. I am perfectly happy with a "partner for life" and someone who respects me and treats me well. Also, he doesn't have any kids. I made that a rule when I re-entered the dating world, and it was a hard one to follow. I was seeing a great guy for a while, but refused to commit because he has a (absolutely beautiful)2 year old little girl. I just kept telling myself I didn't want to wind up in a position where I had to lose a little one again like C's youngest daughter. I won't do it again. So I am so happy to have met someone who wants their own family and is anxious to have one with ME! :)

So I'm currently learning the lingo of preggers forums instead of step-mom forums...I'm excited for this journey into motherhood, and can't wait to have a little one that's all my own. I told my boyfriend too, that if things don't work out between us for whatever reason (ahhh Pessimist at heart) that I have seen how nasty divorces can be and we will be LUCKY to not deal with them. He didn't see this as *quite* the logical reasoning I did, but accepted it none the less.

This is month 2 of TTC, J (the boyfriend) REALLLLY wants a little girl. He wants a little princess. It was funny because for a long time all I wanted was a girl, and after being a nanny to so many boys, and having so many boys in the classroom's I've been in snag my heart strings, I was convinced I wanted a boy first. But now, I am thinking a girl would be pretty amazing too. :) We agreed that all we really want in the end is a healthy baby. My studies focus on autism, and the thought of having an autistic child just scares me to death. (Another reason I am hoping for a girl now too lol) I have my own disorders and so does J, we both have suffered from mild-moderate depression in the past, I have mild OCD that focuses mainly around food, (fears of food being contaminated, getting sick, obsessions about what I've eaten, compulsions to eat certain things at certain times) and a mild form of Trichotillomania, which has been really bad lately, probably due to stress. I luckily do not pull hair on my head. It started when I was young with the twisting and pulling of my eyebrows to relieve stress when studying or doing other things, it was very absent-minded. Then when I started puberty I began plucking leg hairs, and bikini line hairs. Eventually I stopped pulling my eyebrows but I will spend hours and hours in the bathroom methodically plucking my legs or bikini area. I am just so thankful I don't pull hair on my head, I feel so bad for those who do. I am fearful that I will pass on my oddities. I know I can hide a lot of this, just by simply calling myself 'picky' and a 'very mindful eater' as well as 'kind of vain' I 'need my beauty time'. I do masks on my face and waxing other parts as well to offset the time I spend in the bathroom. I will make every effort to speak to my child about depression and what it looks like since this is something that was passed onto me, but never spoken about in my house.

Ahhh it feels good to get all that off my chest. I am so excited to be onto bigger and better things, and I hope some of you ladies are still out there in blogger-land with me. :)

Always,
K