God Send :)

So I prayed that my husband and I could have some peace and quiet to ourselves, while stressing over the Big Bear trip. God answered my prayers. The Big Bear trip was cancelled due to a snow storm that would have us snowed in up there until next Saturday! Then, 10K was so upset he said he wanted to spend Sun/Mon/Tues/Wed at his mothers house instead of with us. It's been wonderful! Yesterday we rented movies and just cuddled and watched them together, then had my brother and his girlfriend over and we spent the whole night laughing and having a great time together. Today he went and got me coffee while I took a bath (We didn't get up until 11!) and we rented more movies and just relaxed together. We've laughed more in the past 24 hours than we have in a month. He is napping right now, and so I decided to hop on the computer and write a little bit.

Thank you for your input about badly behaved step-kids. It's really hard to know when to draw the line. I know I am a control freak and a perfectionist by nature. I try not to let it get out of hand, and C says I'm too hard on 10K. I can be. I realize that. I'm also too hard on C sometimes as well. Not to mention myself. :) I could make a list 10 miles long of my pet peeves and seriously, some of them are really stupid. But just because I know it's ridiculous sometimes doesn't stop me from getting mad over them, or help me change my behavior. I'm one of those people who is OCD about everything. All the movies have to be alphabetized, the CD's, hell, the toothbrushes have to go in a certain order. Most of the time I can take a deep breath and fix whatever is wrong myself, without getting mad at whoever messed it up, but when I'm so stressed that the wrong size spoon in the wrong slot is enough to send me over the edge. I'm going to try really hard to work with the lady I'm talking to about relaxing and letting things not be perfect. I explained what was going on and she said that C has what she called "guilty dad syndrome" which I can clearly see. We have barely talked about the kids today and yesterday night. Just focused on what WE wanted to do and that was great. I feel like kids and plans are all we ever talk about anymore.

We took them to see a movie and my sister, Princess and her friend joined us. C looked down the aisle at the 5 kids and turned to me to say, "This is what it's going to look like" and we both cracked up. I told him we would probably never take all 5 to see a movie...I can't wait for the day when we have our own babies together. We already picked out names. I want a boy then a girl or 2 boys. Christian and Caden for boys, and Kinsey for a girl. :) Pretty names huh. We gotta stay with the /k/ sound because it wouldn't sound right to have 5 K's then Bob!

Well Merry Christmas everyone!! Sorry for the random ramblings of this post, I've had a few mimosas and am feeling just love-r-ly!

Best Holiday Wishes,
K

Miss PL

So the meeting with the psychologist lady (henceforth known as Miss PL) went really well. She explained how 10K's brain is working and to make a long story short, we are going to try meds. We really just don't know what else to do for him, because we have tried EVERYTHING.

We are meeting with her again on the 30th with 10K, so that should be interesting.

How do you guys deal when all you do is fight with your husband over his kids? C thinks I'm being so harsh because I'm nervous about taking 10K on a trip to my grandparents house in the mountains. I guess I just come from a more traditional family where you didn't so much as roll your eyes when your grandparents were around unless you wanted to spend the rest of the day in your room. I'm terrified 10K is going to be rude to C and I in front of them, and I just couldn't stand the embarrassment. Is that so wrong for me to think that? Apparently in my house it is. 10K is ALL we ever talk about anymore. We never just talk about us, about what's going on in our heads. We don't disagree on much, but when it comes to 10K we butt heads sometimes something fierce. How do you handle this? I'm at my wits end with both of them and all I want is some damned peace and quiet!!!!

Bah-humbug-
K

When the Sh.t hits the fan...it doesn't rain gumdrops

So the emails between 10K's teacher and I have gotten so long and numerous since I last posted that it would be futile to subject you to reading all of them. So, to sum up what has happened in the past 2 weeks, he is getting in a lot of trouble at school, behavior in class as well as toward other students is abysmal at best. He has been lying to us, as well as to his teacher, and is now in "emotion management" (aka anger management) once a week for group sessions. We were also suggested to seek outside therapy as this is not enough for his severe issues. So we are. C and I are meeting with a therapist on Thursday to discuss 10K and his recent setbacks. From then on he will meet once a week with said therapist for an hour. Hopefully this will bring peace back into our home. I am also going to seek therapy through a woman at my church. She runs small groups and is a great listener, which is what I really need. She is a step mom to an angry teenager so she will, I'm sure, have plenty to share with me. In other news, Thanksgiving was lovely and we are looking forward to being able to do a little Christmas shopping over the next few weeks. Lord knows if I wasn't so critical of credit cards or worried about paying rent I would have therapy shopped us into a million dollar debt right now. Luckily my head is screwed on a little more straight than that. I still won't give up my Starbucks though. Not now, not ever. :)

Looking forward to hours of therapy,
K

Good Question

Where do 10K and 5K's behavioral problems stem from?

Fantastic question. I've lots to say on the topic. My first assumption before I thought long and hard about it was the divorce. Divorce has driven children to hell and back causing a huge range of problems along the way. Then I thought more about it. As far as 5K is concerned there has never been an alternate situation. She was a one night drunken oops after the separation. She's never known anything but having a Mommy house, and a Daddy and K house. So it can't be the divorce. Then I thought, well 10K and 5K are so much alike, maybe his feelings about the divorce has just rubbed off on her. But then he came to live here and they spend less than 8 days together a month, so if that's how it was, it should have gotten better when he came to live with us. Which it didn't. So the conclusion I came to is two-pronged. It's hereditary, and it's how they were raised by their mother. I say hereditary because my husband was that strong-willed child. He was defiant till the end, raised by good missionary Christians, with a sister who was the 'good child'. He went down a really bad road, a road we're terrified 10K is running straight for. He sucked at school, his middle name was trouble, and he lived that until he was 32. C dealt with issues similar to 10K's, since he was adopted and I feel adopted children suffer from a lot of the anger and despair that divorced kids have. The other side I feel takes 70% of the reason 10 and 5 are the way they are. I believe it's because of how their mother is. No discipline, no boundaries, a friend instead of a mom. I think this creates an inner tension. Kids don't want to be in control, they want to be kids. They want to feel like home is a safe environment, where they can let go and know someone else is in charge. They don't have that. When C and Her were married, C was never home. When he did get home all they would do was fight. 10K remembers it. That's about all he remembers about their marriage. It wasn't a happy or safe place to be. Home was scary. 8K doesn't remember much of anything, so it's a fantasy for her. It's a dream of a life I took away. A different basket of problems for a different post. Mostly I think that because of their similarities, although living in different households now, it has to do with their mother. The conflict she instills in them, the need to choose a side, the scariness of being in control there, and the desire she has for a best friend not a child all add up to behavior problems. I feel 5K is going to wind up where 10K is, without a doubt. She is strong-willed, that coupled with the loosest reins imaginable gives us the same equation we had with 10K. How could we expect the outcome to be any different? 2+2=4 the first time you add it...the second time it doesn't equal 5 now does it?

Well that's my 2 cents. :)

Wooo-sahhh

I'm rubbing my earlobes and woo-saahh-ing.

I was flipping back thru Stephanie's blog, and came across this. I never saw it, posted almost a year ago. Apparently, I was tagged. :) So, Stephanie, it's a year late, but here it is. :)

The rules:1. List a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet.
2. Offer as much or as little explanation as you wish.
3. Please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative.

A- Ambidextrous :) I really am!
B- Boisterous
C-Cunning
D- Determined
E- Evangelistic
F- Friendly
G- Gregarious
H- Harmonious
I- Interpersonal
J- Judicious
K- Kinky ;)
L- Lazy (in a good way)
M- Meticulous
N- Nefarious
O- Obstinate
P- Practical
Q- Queen of this house
R- Resolute
S- Stubborn
T- (in) Transition
U- Utilitarian
V- Vainglorious
W- Wishful
X- XXIII
Y- Young
Z- Zany

Pray for Strength

So I started writing a new post last night, and my Internet decided to give out, and poof gone.

I didn't get to get into much detail in the my last post, seeing as how it was written 10 minutes before I had to leave for work Friday morning. Here is where I will fill in my staccato, stressed out rantings. :)

5K's class:
I spent the day making mental notes of her behavior. She was in the lowest group, with 3 boys. 2 of which had ADHD, and one with some form of serious behavioral issues. 5K doesn't listen to directions, she talks back to the teacher and refuses to sit still for any length of time. Example:
Teacher: 5K, please sit down.
5K: I have to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: Well, it's time to sit down now, I'll let you know when you can go.
5K: *with all the attitude she can muster including hands on her hips* I SAAID!! I have to go to the BAATHROOM!
Me: Sit-down-right-now-5k-or-else!

Her teacher was a nice person... but seemed kind of scatterbrained to me. There was no clear cut schedule, aside from recess and lunch. The kids seemed to be milling about a lot. I kept looking at my watch wondering when the lesson was to begin, as it had been an hour and all they had completed was chit chat over the weekend activities and share time. I would prefer her to be in a more structured environment, a half-day Kinder with a stricter sense of discipline.

As for 10K and the violence that occurred, I felt compelled to take action. I sent him to something they have at our local library to help him with his homework. I can't do it anymore. Everyone says keep fighting and I am. I just changed my goal. I am now fighting for a good relationship. I am fighting for not fighting. I am challenging him to learn to be independent, and being there every step of the way. I am ducking out of the power struggle without a loser sign tacked to my back, along with a target for him to aim for. I am asserting my love in a positive, and open way.

This is the email I sent to his teacher, letting her know what's been going on...

Mrs. FFGT (Fantasic Fifth Grade Teacher),
I've been meaning to contact you for about 3 weeks now, but I haven't made the time. I apologize for that. I spoke with Ms. RT (Resorce Teacher) last week concerning 10K lying to the principal. C and I are very concerned about 10K right now. We are not sure why, but he has been acting out more and more. Also, the letter he wrote to Ms. RT is still in his backpack. He has become very territorial of his backpack and yells if I even touch it, but I saw it there after he went to bed tonight. Anyway, the second I've made up my mind to come speak with you about his behavior, he has a good day, then two good days, then I let it slide, thinking maybe now we've hit the turning point and things are okay. That's my fault and I'm sorry.

For the past year I have been the sole person to work with teachers/schools/ principals/psychologists regarding 10K. I am the one who had homework duty, as painful as it was. I know you have a step-daughter so you understand the fragile relationship that exists between a step-parent and a step-child. Constantly fighting with him over homework and studying is destroying that bond. It is a never ending battle with him. We are locked in a power struggle, and I'm desperate to find a way for it to end. I took him to the program at the library, and that I think, will be a temporary solution until he tires of the novelty of being able to go to the library every day and refuses to go, or refuses to complete his work. Then, I won't know what to do.

I'm not sure if Ms. RT told you about our conversation, but this was it in a nut shell:
Last Monday 10K was told to complete his work in his room. Having to work independently has become a new angle for him to try and manipulate. The screaming, arguing and insults ensue every time I tell him he needs to use his math spiral, or look in a book. He fumed for about 40 minutes, and we told him he needed to stay in his room, with the door shut until he was done. C ran to the store, and 10K refused to let me shut the door, and when I didn't give in, he got physical with me. He was pushing, shoving, grabbing, yanking, screaming, and crying...it was a total melt down. I wound up picking him up under his arms, and setting him in the middle of the room where he sat screaming for 10 minutes after I had left his bedroom. As much as I want to help 10K, I think this situation has exceeded my ability and so we requested that 10K begin seeing the school counselor. Ms. RT understood, and I will be bringing the paperwork into her tomorrow morning. I don't trust sending it in 10K's backpack. I have found other notes that were meant to get to you, that were stapled to homework, buried in his backpack with my name I had signed at the bottom scratched out. I believe this has a lot to do with his sudden territorial behavior over his backpack.

I'm not sure how long 10K is going to have to do homework elsewhere, but I honestly think it's best for him, and also best for our relationship. I'm sorry his report was not turned in, 10K said that it was done and in your hands, and I made the mistake of telling him I was emailing you that night, ( I think this was last Wednesday) and I didn't follow through with what I said. I think he saw when I didn't run to the computer it was an idle threat (not something I usually ever do) and didn't breathe another word of his report. Since he didn't do his homework here, I was handed his white folder at 8 pm. I didn't even get to look at it until about 45 minutes ago. I say, put him in in-school and after school detention. We give you permission to do that until it's done. If that's not an option I can see about C trying to do it with him. Whatever you feel is best. I'm sorry to put all this on you, and I hope you understand I'm not giving up. I'm looking for the best solution to give us the brightest possible outcome. If there is anything more I can try, don't hesitate to tell me. I've run plum out of ideas, and would appreciate any insight. :)
Thank you,
K

I know I'll get a good response. This teacher is a GOD SEND. She is so nice, and supportive, and thoughtful. I don't think I had a minute to write about 10K's most recent lies. Apparently last week a kid threw his sweater in the mud. He went into his resorce class very upset, and Ms. RT told 10K that Mrs. FFGT would handle it, and not to worry. Well, this wasn't good enough for 10K, so after resource when he was supposed to go directly back to class, instead he chose to go to the principals office and tell her that Ms. RT sent him, to tell her, that she needed to look into it and speak with this other kid. 10K had to write a letter of apology to Ms. RT, but like I said in my e-mail, he never gave it to her.

Stress level: 1,000%
Ability to cope: about 0% right now
Strength to continue: Priceless

TBC...

And perhaps even worse?

So the Ex refused to speak with both of us for a few days, but Sunday 8K had a serious pain in her mouth from her screwed up dental work, so I called her and asked her to please pick up the girls early. She was nice, even kind. She got to my house, ooh'ed and ahh'ed over my kitten, and spoke to me as if none of that had ever happened and we were buddies again. She took the girls home, then let us know 8K had a dental appointment scheduled for Tuesday. Then Monday morning I went to volunteer in 5K's classroom, and she was there because she hangs around for a few minutes in the morning, and she just chatted with me like this wasn't seriously awkward, and then left. Nothing weird at all. I worked in 5K's class till 12:30, then went over to 8K's class. I took a deep breath and walked in. The kids were at lunch so I took a moment to look around the room, see 8K's artwork and poems, then the teacher walked in. We sat down and spoke, she felt defensive because of the letter we had sent, and let me know she was brand new to this school and was just trying to follow protocol. I still didn't like her, but I offered to stay and help until 1:30 when I had to leave to go pick up C, since I had taken the car. So I stayed and helped 8K with her math, then the whole class with spelling. She was nice enough, and since all the paper work with the school is now in order, willing to speak with me. C put a letter in at the office giving the school and teachers permission on everything.

I picked up C at 2, then we went and picked up 10K as he was walking home. Right then my phone rings. The mom of the babies I used to nanny for was frantic. The new nanny had left the 22 month old baby in a car, while she went shopping, and another customer saw this, called the cops, the cops had come, waited for the nanny to walk out of the store, and altogether they assume baby was in the car for 30 minutes up to an hour. alone. with the doors unlocked. (Free Car! Free Baby!) So the cops called the mom and now no one could pick up the 4 year old, so C and I went and got him from his speach class, and took him to the park. Now 10K was fussing before we picked him up that he didn't want to do homework right away. So by the time the mom met us at micky D's about 2 hours later, he had escaped from it, and gotten fast food during the school week. So we go home. 10K is throwing a totally hissy fit over his homework, screaming and crying, the whole nine yards. C ran to the store to return a movie and the hissy fit continues. I tell 10K I have had ENOUGH of the whining, crying, complaining, and he was to stay in his room, finish his homework, with his door shut. Well, he didn't want his door shut, and persisted to physically fight me to keep it open. I had to pick him up, under his armpits, place him in the middle of the room, and run and slam the door. He was screaming. After I finally got it shut, he gave up the power struggle and sat on his bed screaming I hate him and that I should just admit he's the stupidest kid I've ever met, on and on and on. C gets home and I've my keys at the ready. I left. I was gone until after 10K went to bed. I read at the bookstore. So I finally came home, and C and I talked a bit about it, and I let it go. 10K had called me at the bookstore to apologize, and so I left it alone. Chalked it up to a one time thing. So yesterday I did laundry, I folded everything, and was having 10K put his things on hangers and in their drawers. Well, I opened a drawer to find clean shirts from last time I did laundry shoved in it, and I picked them up and put them on his bed for him to hang. He says, "No." and throws it on the floor. I picked it right back up and said, "YES!" and put it back on his bed, and this time he throws it at me. I catch it and tell him, fine, I will throw it away if you don't want to take care of your things. So he goes, "Fine." and I go to walk out of his room and throw it in the trashcan. At this point he makes a grab for it, and I hold it above my head. I'm still a little taller than him. He is yanking on me, pulling my arm, and I hold my arm out to push him off, and he says he will hang it, so I give it too him and storm out. Physical, again! Is all I could think. So I walk around the house for a few minutes, and calm down. I then go back in his room to tell him the things in his drawer need to be folded, and he yells "Don't Hit Me!" The second I walked in the room. I stood stunned. I have never hit him, never would. Which I said. He then claims that when I held my arm out to keep him off me I hit him in the mouth. Great says I. 10K called his friend and was invited to their house, so I let him go...laundry half done, room still a mess, I just wanted him out. C got home and I told him what happened. It will only be a year or so before he's bigger than me...What then?

It Gets Worse

So I tried to talk to the Ex, and tell her that I am tired of the name calling and I honest-to-God want a decent relationship with her, and out of nowhere...I had just started talking she starts screaming, "Why are you and C getting drunk and fighting in front of the kids?!!" What? What the Hell? Not only is that bogus, it was completely out of context and reason. Apparently 8K, Mommy Dearest's Golden Child, said we were drunk and fighting and she was scared in her bed. Well, I don't care if this is true or not, I tell the Ex what happens in our house is none of her GD business. Yes, a few weeks ago we got into a tiff while the kids were sleeping, and damn I feel bad if it woke them, but we weren't drunk and fighting. That makes it sound like we got wasted and decided to have it out in the living room throwing beer cans at each other. We went into our bedroom and I admit, we probably weren't using our library voices, but dear lord is this where the false accusations start? Are we going to wind up in court with her claiming we get drunk and fight every time the kids are at our house? Lovely.

So, she hung up on me about 3 words into what I wanted to tell her because she started screaming this nonsense at me and I told her, loudly, to mind her own. She then turns off her phone. I swear she's 15. I feel much better though. I texted her and told her the name calling has to stop, I won't stand for it any longer.

On a side note, C and I wrote a letter to 8K's teacher, explaining that now there was a letter on file with the school giving me 100% permission from C to get information, speak to teachers, including parent-teacher conferences, phone calls, and e-mails. What does the teacher do? Apologize? Call? E-mail? Nope. She tells the Ex that she is mad that C gave her this letter. I helped him word it all, but it's his name on it, and his signature, and she goes and tells the Ex! I'm soooo speaking with the principal. Fine, if she doesn't want to see that if 8K needs help, we are the only 2 who are going to give it to her, than so be it!

I hope everyone's having a better Friday than me.

When you think it can't get worse...

So, Sunday C and I were driving back from our lovely trip to LA. It was crazy but it was a lot of fun as well. It felt great to get away. Sometimes it's depressing for me though. I sit in my friends grunge apartment, pictures of the two of them everywhere, no toys, no school schedules posted, no calendar marking days of custody...just them. None of my friends have any children, theirs or otherwise, so I feel very alone a lot. They call me to go out but of course I'm usually stuck here, making dinner or nagging someone to clean their room, helping with homework, or one of the other ten thousand things I do that I don't have to. Anyways...that's another tangent for another post. So, we were driving home and C's phone dies. He asks me to text the Ex, and let her know she can drop 10K off at 7:30. Note: As of her past weekend before this with him we told her it is her responsibility to drop him off at our house Sundays because we do ALL the other driving. So she texts me back, obviously it had been a bad day in CrazyLand because it said "You can't F-ing spring this on me! NO!" To which I politely reminded her that it is her responsibility to drop him off on her Sundays. She then stated she had no gas at all, and no money, which of course we didn't believe because then how did she plan on getting to work all week? I told her Sorry, see you at 7:30. She never texted me back. Well that worried me, but C said forget it, so I tried to enjoy our last hour of alone-ness. Then C's dad calls. The Ex had 10K call Grandma, crying that mom didn't have any gas money and was he going to have to stay the night at his moms and miss school because no one could pick him up? Could she please pick him up? So she did. Now C and I were furious that his mum decided to do this, because it just plays right into her little game, but we could see how she hated to see 10K put in the middle of her craziness. So C calls and 5K picks up the phone. She says, and I quote, "Daddy don't yell at Mommy. Mommy says you're going to yell at her." To which my husband sweetly replied, "No I'm not sweetie, please give mommy the phone." Then he could hear Her saying the back ground, "Hang up on him 5K. Hang up!" And she told her Daddy, "I'm sorry Daddy, but Mommy says I have to hang up on you."

Then she texted and left a message on my husband phone calling me a B and saying "did the control freak tie you up so you can't talk to me?!" Like I forcefully have to pull him away.

It's days like that when you raise your hand and say, "Um, I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign a waiver? There was no liability release?" Where was it I put in blood I would stand idly by while being called names? I've never been treated so badly by someone I haven't punched in the face. Hmm...maybe that's next....

From CrazyLand-
K

5K and School cont. with a little bitterness thrown in for good measure

So when picking up the girls today, I went looking for 5K's teacher to clear up this mess. I found her heading out the door but she spared 10 minutes to speak with us. I was right about why she didn't answer any of my questions. Apparently 5K tested lowest in the class at the beginning of the year, knowing only 6 out of 46 sounds and names of letters. She has improved slightly but Mrs. TL (Teacher Lady) used the words "she needs a lifeline" and made it very clear she knew 5K was not getting the support she needs at her mothers. She is going to send home copies of everything Wednesdays, plus things she thinks 5K need to work on. She still wants to have a sit down talk with us about all of it, and show us more when we can. It was awesome. A ray of light in what turned out to be an utterly icky day. So now I am stressed to the max about what's going to happen. Every time I hear someone tell me about what a whack-job their mom is, I want to record them then ask if they would be willing to testify to that in court. After that, I go looking for 8K's teacher. I had received a voicemail from her earlier that was really awkward. It went something like this, "I would be willing to meet with you both sometime, or perhaps talk to you both on the phone, when I see you both I will show you the test scores...yada yada yada" Hmmm...says I. It sounds like she doesn't seem very interested in talking to me unless C is hovering on every word, you know, just in case I let it slip how I beat them nightly and lock them in the closet. So I tell C about this message, and he interrupts me to tell me that the Ex has already called bitching about how the teacher went to HER and said I tried to contact her, (you'd swear I have the plague) so the Ex called C to tell him that the teacher, get this, doesn't want to meet with me. Wants to meet with her, and C! In the same room! Without me! HAHAHA Riiiight, like that's going to happen in this century. I mean, if she wants to be witness to a bloody battle scene, has a death wish, or just enjoys watching people rip each others heads off then by all means! Obviously she hasn't dealt with many divorced parents. So, not only did she complain to the Ex about me e-mailing her, she left that message and since that wasn't enough, sent me a one sentence e-mail back, regarding a phone conference. It said, "Is your husband going to be on the phone as well?" No "hi", No "thanks", No, "Sorry to trouble you." Just that one line. My best friend put it nicely, "Well it sounds like she should be talking to the Ex only, since they have the same IQ" Agreed.

Since this wasn't enough of a bad day, let's talk about the kicker. We're all at Grandma's for dinner, which is usually a nice evening. I don't have to cook, she made spaghetti (my comfort food) and the kids are usually out of my hair. The operative word there is usually. I asked 5K to come inside and what does the turkey do? She bolts out the door, and runs away from me. Well at first I chuckle, but when I catch her and she makes it clear she's not coming back in without a fight, she goes boneless. I drag her in by her arms because she kicked me when I tried to pick her up, and as soon as we get inside she starts screaming and clawing for the door. I tell her she's going into time out if she doesn't stop, so she kicks it up a notch and starts telling me she doesn't like me. When this doesn't stop me from setting her in the time-out chair, she kicks it up again. Screaming at the top of her little lungs that she hates me, only loves her mommy and grandma and everyone else she could think of but me. She keeps this up for about 3 minutes. I have my back to her and I'm just sighing thinking about how much I hate teenagers because you can't put a teenager in time out. Well her 5 minutes end, and I have her stand up and look at me and explain to her I put her in time-out for kicking and screaming when it was time to come inside, but now she was going to get a spanking from daddy. I was too mad to do it, and since we believe it should be a quick punishment done with out anger I enlisted C. So after it's done she comes out, apologizes to me and we hug and things get back on track. So now we leave for church. Everything goes fine there, and we drop the demons off at their mothers. She isn't there. She has a friend staying with her right now, (who is are really nice lady) who was there. So they all immediately run for the cupboard to grab whatever junk food they can shove down their throats like they always do, and I tell 5K she really shouldn't be eating chips at 9 o'clock at night since it was already past her bedtime. The little bugger looks up at me, and says "You're not in charge here. This is Mommys house, and she's in charge." I twitched but replied, "You're right. Eat all the junk you want." with a smile plastered on my face. To which she shrugged and continued eating her pringles. I am so knotted up with stress, frustration and bitterness right now it's not even funny. All I can think about is how we aren't going to get 5K until she is failing 4th grade and uncontrollable just like what happened last year with 10K. I don't want to wait. I think we should take her to court and get custody. I just don't know if it will be granted. C has a spotty past, and knowing her she would bring every skeleton out of their closet for nothing. She would fight, get her, then in 4 years be shoving her on us like a dirty dish towel. Just like 10K.

I'm going to go wash my hair and braid it, then see how much a hit man costs on Craigslist.

Bitterly,
K

5K and School

So parent teacher conferences are supposed to be this Thurs. and Fri. but C and I can't figure out how to make it work, with only one car and me having to work. So I e-mailed 5K's teacher, and yes, it was a very long e-mail, but I have a lot of concerns and questions. She seems nice, but I've barely had a moment to speak with her since the school year's started, and I'm afraid she's gotten me confused with the Ex. (ewwww) haha but also I'm worried because instead of answering my questions, she just requested to meet, but I dunno, I'm confused. Read on.

-------------
To: Teacher Lady
Subject: 5K

Mrs. TL (teacher lady),
I know we had spoken earlier about having an appointment at, I believe, noon on the 30th but I am unable to attend at that time. I was wondering if we could have a phone conversation regarding her progress. I am concerned because she doesn't seem to be getting the sounds of all her letters. I am an IA for a kindergarten class at suchandsuch elementary and so I do some of the work I do with my lowest group with 5K, but I don't know if she is just tired from a full day or really isn't getting it. Unfortunately my husband and I don't see her more than a few hours during the week, and every other weekend, so I cannot assess her the way I can my students. Also I have asked her about beginning and ending sounds, but she seems very eager to guess without thinking it through and only gets them right about 50% of the time. I've not had time to assess her math skills, but I hope she is doing better with that. She can count from 1-20 well, but like I said, I haven't tested her for number recognition. Also, I was wondering what happens in the way of homework. I assume she has reading, but I have only had 2 worksheets for her to do on Wednesday's since the beginning of the year. Is this not a regular homework day? Could you please send me a schedule of what you do in class because I am unaware of how a full day kindergarten works, since mine is only half day. I'm sorry I have not come into the class to volunteer, but as it is I work right in the middle of the day, so it would be hard for me to get down there and back before work. I am available Monday November 10th since I do not have school that day. I would love to come and spend the day observing her if that's alright with you. I could also help out with whatever you need. Please call me and let me know if all of this is okay with you. I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner, and I know I included a lot in this e-mail, please don't feel bombarded! I have wanted to write you for a few weeks, so everything's kind of piled up! :) Thank you!
-C and K
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From: TL (teacher lady)
To: me

Hi Ms. K,
Thank you so much for your email. We are scheduled to meet at 8a.m. on Friday, Oct. 31st. Since this is a different time than what you thought (maybe your older daughter) you might be able to make it?? Please let me know. I would love to meet with you in person if we could.
Thanks so much,
TL
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To: TL
From: me

Mrs. TL,
I think the 8 am time on Friday is when (CrAzY), 5K's mom, is supposed to meet with you. Unfortunately, we will have to meet separately. I appreciate your understanding. If, in fact, you do mean this to be the time for my husband and I, I will of course do everything in my power to attend, although my husband will not be able to. I would love to meet with you in person as well. :) Thanks,
K
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So, I think she thought I was the Ex? Or maybe not? I don't rightly know. I'm worried because she didn't answer a single question I asked, which makes me always fear the worst. If everything was fine, as a teacher myself, I think she would have said so. Also she referred to 8K as my daughter, not my step-daughter so either she's super hip, and is totally cool with the step-parent thing, or she thought I was Her. Hmmm...at least she got back to me right away. 8K's teacher has not. I assumed a phone conversation would be fine if everything was going well, but now I'm really concerned since she is pressing to meet in person. UGGGH. What happened to the good ole days when kids went to school for a few hours, there was no homework and school stopped at 5th grade...I guess we could always move to the Ozarks.... :)

Sunday

Oh it was so nice. I spent the whole day with my sister's cheerleading troupe and C had the kids. They went to the pumpkin patch, and then he took 8K to her brownie groups meeting at the ice skating rink. I think it was really nice for both of us. My sister has been missing me a lot since I've gotten married and been so dang busy with the kids it's left little time for her. My mom says she asks about me all the time, but doesn't want to call because she's scared I'll say I can't come over, and the disappointment is too much for her to even call. It breaks my heart. I love her so much and I'm too busy dealing with the craziness of handling his kids I don't have time for the one closest to my heart. I've decided that I need to spend more time with her, so C can have alone time with his kids, and my sister doesn't feel pushed to the wayside. :)

Going to LA for Halloween! Yaaay! C and I are going to be Mickey and Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers. (great, twisted movie) Hope everyone has a good Monday!

The Kids

Okay so I've been a little preoccupied with things like homeless kids and Oprah, but time for some nitty-gritty. First off, I'm concerned about 5K and what's going on in kindergarten. While most kids in my kindergarten class know 99% of the sounds of their letters, 5K seems to know about 10-15 on a good day. On a bad day she refuses to say any of them. Also, the Ex (who is insane, just a reminder) while on one of her rants (since we are BFF's again) told me that she HATES when teachers have kids memorize their little books they make because, and I quote, "They aren't REALLY reading!" Um...duh. They are learning left to right tracking and word association. Unless they were taught at home, by a dedicated parent, none of them know how to read. (I have one in my class that reads at a second grade level, but that's it) So if she's not supportive of how kids learn, I don't see a lot of success in the future. I mean, look at where 10K ended up. Not only that, her teacher has started her on sight words, which is odd because she doesn't know the sounds of her letters yet. I don't know. I need to get in there. Well any ways, 5K came over about 2 weeks ago with a cut under her lip. I asked her what happened and she told me, "Mommy was cutting up salad and I wanted to do it to, and mommy left so I picked up the knife and accidentally poked myself" Yikes. *Note to self, don't leave knives out!* So now she has this gnarly scabbed thing on her face...ugh poor baby.

Now, about 8K. The Ex calls to chit-chat about her because she is now doing what 10K did in third grade. She is hiding homework, lying about it, and getting in trouble at school. Great. Juuuust Faaabulous. She was the one we thought we weren't going to have to worry about! So now I am very concerned about both girls and school. I know for a fact that if 8K throws a big enough fit, the Ex will just throw her hands up in the air and not make her do anything. Also she doesn't check backpacks or make sure there isn't other work that needs to be done. So I have meetings with both their teachers next week, so we'll see how that goes...Anyways I hope everyone has a good day!

I hate when Oprah's wrong.

I love Oprah. I really do. But sometimes she can be reaaal wishy-washy, always straddling both sides of the fence to make sure no one ever gets offended. Well, I found this list on her website and it made me laugh, but there were a few on there that I thought were just wacky. These are supposedly 12 things your never supposed to say as a step-mother. I didn't post all 12, because most of them were pretty true, like don't badmouth the Ex in front of the children. But these 5 I thought were a little off track...What do you think?


7. "Have you always done that?" Families have traditions that are meaningful to them. So if your husband and his children insist on watching Hogan's Heroes reruns, putting mayo on hot dogs, collecting rubber bands, or anything else you find distasteful, just keep your mouth shut.

---I agree with this to a certain degree. I think there is a very big difference between putting mayo on hot dogs, and what I would call a tradition. Traditions that make you as a stepmom feel excluded, or go against any of your moral standards you most certainly have a voice in! Yes, families have traditions and since it's a new family, I think it's bout time for new traditions! I don't think it's logical or healthy to "just keep your mouth shut." Unless you don't live there, you've got a say about what goes on in YOUR house!

3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc. Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out. You're better off being wicked.

Whoa Whoa Whoa. I agree wholeheartedly you should never be the fall guy, but seriously shouldn't this have been geared toward how that would make YOU as a stepmom feel rather than how everyone else will feel about you? The distinct feeling of being a doormat is very unpleasant and I think this should have been the point, not that you would become someone everyone resents because you were trying to be nice, and just went too far.


4. "Why the long face?"Your stepchildren are allowed to be sad—they're in mourning. Let them grieve if and when they feel like it. Sorry, but they probably will grieve more around you, since you're the evidence that their parents are never getting back together. Don't call attention to their sorrow; remove yourself, and get Dad to be a mom at this point. Their depression will pass—they're kids.

I'm not quite sure I understand this one. Yes, some people do get married during the mourning period, but either way, I think you have a right to ask why they feel sad? It could have NOTHING to do with you existing. And why would someone ask you to constantly deliberately think about the fact that you are the surviving evidence that their parents will never be back together? Ugh, if I thought that's what the kids were thinking every time they looked at me, and looked kinda sad, I'd be a wack-job.

8. "Your room is a pigsty!" Something's got to give, and neatness should be it. If the situation is desperate and the kids are growing subspecies in their space, get Dad to go in there and organize a cleanup. Life is messy, and it's even messier when you choose a man with children. But remember: It's better to have a man with kids than one without kids who flosses his cat's teeth.

What? Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me I don't have a say about the neatness of a room in my house? That I have to wait until subspecies are growing before I'm allowed to ask my husband to intervene? (Not that he would. He would probably just call the new form of bacterial growth "cool" and leave it be.) Yeah, I don't think so. I think you shouldn't bat an eyelash over a toy or piece of clothing on the ground, but if the child is old enough to maintain his/her own room, they should be held to that. 10k HATES cleaning his room, but that doesn't mean he gets out of it just because I'm a stepmom? I. Don't. Think. So.

12. "It's them or me." It will always have to be them. Your stepchildren are jealous of you. But admit it, you're jealous of them, too. If you make it a battlefield, this is a battle you'll lose.

Ok, I believe that this statement should never be said, but it is the undertone for every conflict you and your husband have. Also if you're a Christian then you KNOW you come first. There is no such thing as a marriage working if anyone but your spouse comes first. It doesn't matter if it's his parents, your cat, your baby together or the sofa no one can sit on. If your spouse feels something, or anything is more important to you than them, the marriage is doomed. I remember feeling so left out, and so unneeded before we started counselling. The couple who counseled us is a blended family, he brought one son to marriage, she has no kids of her own. She dealt with the feelings of being inferior, always second for 2 years. I don't know how she did that. She was ready to leave the marriage, when her husband finally got a clue. They were able to save there marriage, and her husband realized that putting his son in front of his wife was causing serious damage. It also doesn't give kids the healthy model of a good relationship. He talked with C at length about how it's not bad for the kids to do this, it's biblical, and it will make us stronger. It did. I never have to worry about my vote not counting anymore. This all went down about 2 months before the wedding. I hit a point where I knew if things didn't change, no matter how much I loved this man, I couldn't rightfully say 'till death do us part' because I knew in my heart it couldn't be true. C changed his way of thinking, and our relationship grew stronger, and it's been 5 months since that happened and everything is so much better. Demand to be first ladies. For your own sanity and for the kids!

That's all I have to say today. :)

Homeless Kids Part 2

Sorry this is the first chance I've had to update! So, the cop came about 10 minutes after I got off my computer, and I went out onto my porch to see what happened. Well I hear the cop talking and asking if there was a fight, what was going on, etc. Apparently he was not briefed on the situation. Well Joe got nervous cause the Lady was right there, and sent the cop away! I saw the cop come down the stairs and called out to him, and had him come into my apartment and explained everything. Well, needless to say, this guy was a retard. He goes on to tell me that they are not 'homeless' since they have a roof over their head, and there is nothing he can do because the kids aren't screaming bloody murder. He said, and I quote, "If they were kidnapped or something, they would be screaming and fighting and telling people." Uh, riiiiight. Obviously this man has never been versed in child psychology. So he left. I was PISSED, to say the least. I texted Joe to come over, and he did, and I ripped him a new one about letting the cop leave, and made him call the cops back right then, which he did. He said he was scared. I called him a pussy. So Joe and I wait for an HOUR for this cop to come back. He had seriously just left when Joe called. So by this time it's 1 am, and the cop goes in to check things out. I think Joe was scared of me, otherwise I'm sure he would have just let it slide. He seems to be a huge confrontation avoider. Anyways I am sitting on my balcony, freezing to DEATH waiting for the retarded cop to come back out. So after seriously 10 minutes (not a long enough interrogation I say) he comes out. Well I go inside and press my ear to my front door because I'm seriously that nosy. The cop proceeds to tell them that she does not have a criminal record and the kids would have said something to him if they were kidnapped. Then he left. I just about threw a potted plant at his head. I searched the website for missing and exploited children, and found a sister with 2 brothers who have been missing since June 29th. They looked very similar to the 3 kids. The girl was blond, one boy dark hair and one blond. Also, I got a good look at the girl, and from what I saw and this picture it was a striking resemblance. I just don't know what to do! The Lady and kids packed up and left this morning, so now they're gone. It is weighing very heavy on my heart that something very wrong has happened. I am just at at loss about what to do. I haven't the slightest where she went, and the cop said the only way he could take the kids was if he found them on the side of the road. Ugh. I'm quite upset with our police right now. It's not right. She didn't even have to prove she should HAVE these children let alone what she's doing living in a car with them. C pointed out that the 3 missing kids on Missing and Exploited Children went missing from MD, but still...she could have traded a car with MD plates for a CA one... I just don't know what to do. I'm worried sick there are parents out there wringing their hands and crying over their missing babies. I have been praying all day for the safety of those kids, since I am at loss over what else I can possibly do. Please pray for them! It got me thinking about all the homeless kids out there, and how if I came across someone like that I wouldn't care if I had to have C hold her down, I would take the kids away. Ugh. Well I guess I'm going to spend the night chewing my cheek and trying to find a way to be at peace with what's happened. Say a quick prayer for me too...

Dear God,
Please look out over your children tonight, and comfort those that are hungry, cold, scared, or alone. Let them see your grace and love, that they are never truly alone, no matter how ugly this world can be. Watch over the three I saw next door, and be with them now as they are probably scared. Give them peace in their hearts and let them sleep easy and dream beautiful things. Watch over the lady who is with them, and put it on her heart to care for these children, or find better care for them if she cannot. Give her peace in her soul and be with her. Thank you for your way of opening everyone's eyes and showing us that we are your plan to fix this world. That we are the ones who should care for the children left behind. Amen.

In the Lord's name,
K

Homeless Kids

Okay this is completely off the usual subject of what horror I'm going through on a particular day, but I just did something for an acquaintance (not even a good friend) that I am struggling with. So this acquaintance, lets call her Judy comes over out of nowhere and tells me her and her boyfriend Joe, (haha the Judges) found a lady at the end of her boyfriends work street, in pitch black, making pb and j's for 3 kids, sitting on the ground at 9 o'clock at night, next to a beat up station wagon. Well Judy is a mom, and being as her kids are at their dad's house Sunday and Monday night, invites this lady back to their apartment out of pity for the kids. Well, she shows me how this lady has proceeded to basically unpack all of their belongings, and that she is not the kids mother, (apparently both parents are dead) but their aunt. Well the story gets more and more circumspect as it goes on, and now she's scared this lady kidnapped the kids, is homeless, and is now planning to become a squatter. Btw, California law states if you invite someone into your home, and they stay for 48 hours, you are by law required to give them 60 days notice to kick them out. The cops won't even come. So we are going onto 26 hours at this point, and she's freaked. She was scared if she called the cops to come check this lady out that they would peace before the cops even got there, so she asked me and C to do it. Well, we were a little nervous, but Joe texted us just about 30 minutes ago to say she was there, so I called the cops. I'm terrified they're going to scare the kids, but what if they're kidnapped? She gave this shmuck story about how the mom's been dead, and the husband just died, and apparently it was all so easy to find as to type in a web page and its on that city's front page news. Well, says the cynic in me, that was tooooo easy. She offered up the website to prove her story, but to me, that seems very fishy. She could have easily assumed the name of the new aunt taking three kids (were not named in the story), and they really could just be anyone. So did I do the right thing people? Should I have just stayed out of it? I'm really torn and am waiting up to see what happens...I'll update this after...

tsk tsk

So I just read a post from Izzy Rose's blog, stepmothers milk, and while I admire her and her poetic and beautiful view of stepmotherhood, sometimes I struggle to relate. She had posted a piece from another stepmom blog concerning not saying things on your blog that you wish later you could take back about the biomom, kids, whomever. It got me thinking, and thinking usually leads to guilty feelings, which this did of course. There are many things I have said on this blog, concerning the Ex, the kids and even my husband at times that would burn ones ears off. I'm glad that this certain blogger has gotten to a point in her relationship with the Ex that she doesn't have these thoughts, has outgrown them, or is just blessed with a sane human being as her husbands ex-wife. I envy her greatly. As for myself, I will contest that I am young, and therefore have a propensity to be a bit more rash than others who are more wizened than myself. From what I've read (meaning I might be wrong) it wouldn't appear to me that this woman has spent a day in court refuting blatant lies, like Stephanie. Or worries greatly over her step child's extreme lack of hygiene, discipline, studies among other things, at their mothers hands, like me. Also, from what I can see she only has one step child which, for those of you with multiples like myself, clearly see as an advantage. On a side note, what convinces a woman who is clearly unable to take care of one child, to continue having more? Anyway, that's for another day. Like I said, I envy this blogger's relationship badly, and wish I could have a more consistent one with the Ex. It's so on again off again with her. Either she's talking to me and calling me all the time to confide about her boyfriend, or she's calling me a B and telling me to stop meddling, then refusing to even be cordial for a month. So mainly I wanted to say, I'm sorry if I'm one of those ranting stepmoms who can't find anything better to write about than what a pain in the arse the bio mom is, but that's where I'm at right now. I need this. I need people to tell me I'm not crazy for having rules that aren't hers. I want people to say I'm going to be alright, and while things may never be in the same ballpark as normal, I'm still gonna make it. I love writing, and if it wasn't here, it would be in a journal that would never give me the advice, support and downright love that a public forum does. Luckily for me, the bio mom of my steps doesn't own a computer and checks her work e-mail spottingly. I seriously doubt she has even heard of blogger, much less manage to stumble across mine. And if that should ever pass, Fine. Let her read it. If she thinks me all the more of a controlling B, that's her opinion and if she just *might* get a glimpse of life this side of the craziness, perhaps she would snap out of it. I doubt it though. I feel badly sometimes for saying the things I do, but not badly enough to regret saying them. It didn't always used to be this way. Once upon of time we liked each other. Once upon of time I was close to wanting to have coffee or lunch with her. But we're in the Unhappily Ever After now, and that book is over. So for probably a while I will be writing about the endless grief she pours over my head and whatever else comes to mind. Even if she would never forgive what she could read here, God does, and Lord knows I need this. :) So, if what I write is mean, rude, and uncaring sometimes, yeah, it will be, know only that this is a path I'm walking on and maybe one day, the Ex and I will sit down for coffee.

That would be a good day.

Weeeeelllll...

So I ran the idea of inviting the Ex to church with us by C, and he almost had a coronary. So needless to say, it didn't happen. I felt bad about it for about 5 minutes (seconds) but realized having her there would disrupt me so much I couldn't only NOT focus on the message, I would have to stand introducing her, and since she never changed her name, it would be rather awkward. Sitting next to her for 30 minutes at a school event is enough to make me nauseous. I don't think I could handle the hour and half of church. On a good note! Her friend is moving in with her for a few months, and I have heard nothing but high standing remarks about this lady from the kids, and even met her myself and found her to be an exceptionally nice person. Apparently she has been talking to the Ex about how badly she treats C and I, and is a very devout Christian!! So maybe I don't have to take the burden of her everlasting life on my shoulders, because a friend of hers is doing it for me! (booo-yah!)

Okay well I hope everyone is having a wonderful October, and oooh Halloween is coming up! Fun Fun Fun. C and I are going to LA for the weekend of Halloween, so we are going to have SO much fun!

I see there are these new fangled things like following blogs, but omg, it took me forever to even post who's blogs I look at I don't know if I can figure out this new thing too! I will try though, because I really enjoy reading other peoples stories. :) If not only to humble myself, to better myself as well. :)

"Responsibilty Sucks", says the 10 year old.

Agreed, says I. But it has in fact been working. After fits, protests, screaming and going boneless crying, he has finally started to realize I mean biz-ness. I even spoke with his teacher about it, and she said just what clevergirl did. :) He is now actively trying to solve problems on his own instead of wanting me to explain every problem basically solving it for him. Laziness is most certainly the sin of the year in this household. Drives me batty. Thank you everyone for the encouragement, and support, it means a lot to me to read all your comments.

Now onto what I am struggling with today. I want to invite the Ex to church. It bothers me that she doesn't go, and I know it bothers the kids. She also says, "Oh my G" which is banned in our household. I don't know how to go about it though. Also I don't know how I would be able to sit back and 'share' my most comforting, renewing and relaxing moments of my week. I pray for her all the time, that she finds peace with God, and is changed by Him, but yet I myself am not being Christlike when I selfishly hold MY church to myself. It should be something I should seek to help her, being what I want to be instead of what I am. We are not good people who sometimes do bad things, we are bad people who sometimes do good things, because if we were good people who did bad things we could be consistantly good, but that's impossible. So I seek to be the better person, and share the solice I find in God. The selfish part of me wants her to say no. But I also think that if she just heard what our Pastor preached on, it would move her heart. And that means more to me than my own comfort. So I think today, I am going to pull her aside, since she is talking to me again, and invite her to come Sunday. I'll even try not to wince. :)

"My Ah-Ha Moment" as Oprah would call it.

I was sitting in church this morning, and for the first time in a long time I got out the piece of paper in the little pamphlet they give you marked 'sermon notes'. I took this paper out, and started writing. I've been having a really hard time with the relationship between 10K and I lately. I keep telling C that I just finished that whole puberty thing and I'm not ready to do it again with this overnight brat that took the place of the sweet boy I met 2 years ago. 10 going on 15 if you ask me. He's rude, disrespectful and downright mean. All we do is fight lately. I've had it up to my neck with it. All I can do is throw my hands in the air and tell him, "my mother would have SLAPPED that look you're giving me right now off my face so hard, my head would spin." It takes everything to control the urge to teach him some serious respect. Don't worry....don't go calling CPS on me, I'm not going to do it. Perhaps I couldn't have said that in full sincerity if I had not had my "Ah-Ha" moment today. I decided I do not have to put up with his attitude. I've tried so hard to be a good mother to a boy whose own mother has abandoned him, but to be frank, I am NOT his mother, nor will I ever be. C has gotten very used to me being the strict hand in this house and I'm tired of being the bad guy. C leaves all the minor disciplining to me, while he steps in when it is larger and someone is in need of a spanking. I'm tired of it. Princess was over last night, and her and 8K and 5K were playing with my newest addition, Molly Monster the precious attack kitten C got me. Well, they wouldn't stop chasing my baby all over the house no matter how many times I said, "Stop chasing that poor kitten!" and finally I snapped because 5K was sticking her hand under the recliner trying to grab Molly. I meant to shout her name, but as it is when you're frazzled and pissed, I shouted Princesses name instead. Princess looked up at me in a look of utter horror and I quickly recanted and shouted 5K's name instead. 8K said, "Wow I know you didn't mean to shout Princess because you would NEVER yell at her like that." Which, is very true. I have never raised my voice, shouted, or done more than raise an eyebrow at my sister. She is my favorite person in the whole world and she looks up to me as her big sister, and it has always been that way. She has never once made me angry to the point my stepkids seem to be able to push me to in a matter of minutes. She has always listened to everything I say, ask her to do, or whatever. She is helpful, bright, beautiful, and I consider her to be just like me, but better. She is everything I wish I was, athletic, a fantastic pianist and vocalist, just thinking of her and her accomplishments makes my heart beam with pride. She loves to read just like me, she is quick-witted like me, and just so smart. Anyways, I was thinking about my sister and my relationship, and how I wish dearly I could have that with my stepkids. As I know this is a completely different relationship, and really isn't possible, I wish for it anyways.
As I was saying before that tangent, I'm done putting up with 10K's disrespect. When he gets home this afternoon I am going to sit down and have a long talk with him. I've decided I'm sick of yelling, and I'm sick of his attitude, as much as I'm sure he is sick of my harping and yelling and punishing. From now on I am going to ask him to do something once and that's it. The second he starts giving me attitude and disrespect no matter if it's at dinner or while doing homework, I am going to not say a word, but just walk away. If he wants continued help with homework or whatever it is he's griping about, he can come, apologize, and ask for me to continue helping. Which I will gladly do. When I ask him to do something I will only ask once. We are going to make a list of consequences if he fails to do as he was asked within a reasonable time. I will no longer harp on him, tell him to do it now, or ask repeatedly if he is done. I think this will avert a lot of tension in our home. If he fails to do as asked, it will be his fathers job to enforce the consequence, not mine. Therefore most of the "asking" will be done by C from now on, even if I have to ask C to ask 10K to do whatever it is. I am no longer in punishment mode. I will not enforce, nor give out punishments any longer. C is his father, and I have helped him in the sector for far too long. I can't express how tired I am of being the 'bad guy' while C sits back and doesn't step in till we are both screaming. I will let everyone know how this situation works out :) I freakin hate teenagers. lol

Wedding pictures :) ENJOY!

My handsome husband and I
We had a great photographer!

Me and my little brother :)
Me and Princess, my beautiful sister.
C and I with both of our parents
I loved this picture

This is my ring bearer and little one I used to nanny for

OUR FAMILY!
Our Wedding party.
The girls :)

Wow...That Was A Crazy Month

Hey everyone! The wedding was beautiful, just wonderful, fantastic, everything I could have dreamed and more! Our honeymoon was out of this world as well! I can't wait to post wedding pictures, since we're married now I don't care if I put pictures up or not. :) Things have been going well on the step-mom front as well. 9K decided that he is going to call me mom, permanently. He told C he was tired of calling me K. :) The girls are still indecisive, but that is something they know is totally up to them. I hope everyone is faring well, as we get back from summer vacations and head into a new school year. I think I'm going to join PTA this year. :) C and I have decided to wait till our one year anniversary (which we are spending in Jamaica) and when we get back he is getting a reversal and we are going to start trying to have a baby of our own! (YAY!) Other than that things are going as good as can be expected. The Ex is still insane, and dying of bitterness. Oh well...I pray everyday for her. That's all I can do. I put her in God's hands because he is the only one who knows her heart.

Best to all of you, and next time I post it will be with wedding pictures!!!

-K

How to Deal When the Ex Hurts Your Feelings

So I have the entire month of July off for vacation. I chose, through my own good willed nature, to watch all 3 kids the first 3 weeks of July. This is also the last 3 weeks before my wedding. Today I sent the Ex the schedule for July. I am one of those people that likes things planned, and so I am doing a three week "summer school" with the kids. I am planning small activities every day, and a big trip once every week. (zoo, water park, etc.) Well, she said okay to my schedule but then went back and texted me saying she wants them "here and there" but not on the weekends. I asked her (very politely) to let me know what 'here and there' is, since I am setting up a packed schedule. ( I refuse to hear even one, "I'm bored!") She then texts me back and says, "Well, they are my kids REMEMBER?" Well that was rude. Most of the time I would reply, quite snidely, that oh, I seem to have let that slip my mind and she can forget about even calling me for a week. But instead, mostly probably due to the fact I was in church, I messaged her back saying, 'just let me know so I don't plan things on the days you want them.' I then sat back, took a deep breath, and sent her this: "When you say things like if I remember whose kids they are, it really hurts my feelings. I chose to use my vacation to help you and C. I want to feel like what I do is appreciated. If you don't appreciate it, or want to act like it at least, I don't have to do it. I have 10 million other things I could do instead." and believe it or not, she actually said she knew and was sorry! It was the most civil exchange of remarks-hurt feelings-apology we have ever had. I took a deep breath and felt much better since I voiced myself and she apologized. It was hard for me to take the high road and do that instead of being rude back, but honestly it made me feel a lot more at peace than when I sink to her level. That usually just pisses away my whole day. So, Yay for me! :)

On a precious note; 4K had decided my dad's name is "Bug-Killer-Man". She can't seem to remember his name is Tom, and he kills any bugs she sees at their house, hence the name. We were at the pool and there was a tiny bug floating in the water and neither I nor C would get it out for her so she sat on the wall, grumbling, "I wish Bug-Killer-Man was here. He would get the bug out for me. I wish he was here." It's so cute. My dad just adores her too. I love watching him with the kids, especially 4K, and then envisioning him with his biological grand kids. That is going to be so fun! One more year!!!!! Did I mention that? I can't remember if I did. Next year, for C my one year anniversary we are going to Sandals in Jamaica and when we get back he gets unfixed and we are going to try to have a baby! (funfunfunfunfun) Anyways....

My house is a mess from the tornado of kids through it over the weekend, my hair is probably turning green as I type, and my eyes are drooping. The house is going to have to wait, a shower, dinner and bed sound like the plan. :)

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

yay :)

I was so happy to see that people still swing by here. Thank you all for your comments. I really do appreciate them!! Things have been going better since I said, No More! and I'm able to take a deep breath and not fantasize about beating the living daylights out of her. I tried to talk to her to figure out a solution, but that went no where fast. We haven't talked since. C has completely stopped answering her phone calls, and she is texting to have the kids call her. I think this is going to work out okay. The only problem is now she is holding it all in until she sees us. When C dropped 9K off at school yesterday she was there at the same time dropping the girls off and apparantly they got into a screaming match in the school parking lot. :P Classy on both their parts. Oh well. At least I didn't have to witness it. She told me I was being a control freak because I don't want her calling all hours of the day to whine and bitch at us. Uh-huh...riiiiiiiight. Anyways!

New News-I am trying to get a work-from-home job with about.com writing articles. How snazzy would that be? 2 articles a month and updating a blog 3 times a week. Sounds like fun to me. :) Well, wish me luck and thank you, Mister M, Lacey and clever girl for your comments. That's what makes it so worth writing. :)

Nothin but love,
K

How have I survived?

Wow. I can't believe it has been 2 months since I have come to my favorite resting spot. No wonder I'm frazzled and at my wits end. Things have gone so downhill guys; I don't even know where to start. Well, how about we start with the positive? :) That always makes me happy. My wedding has been moved up to July 19th, so needless to say I've spent every waking moment, sleeping moment and zombie-in-between moments thinking and planning. My parents have been excellent with the kids, and my first Mother's Day made me cry tears of happiness. 9K made me a jewelry box he painted all by himself, 8K made me a picture frame she painted all by herself and 4K made me a necklace and bracelet set all by herself. C, my most wonderful and thoughtful fiancé took them to the crafts store and let them all pick out what they wanted to make me. It was really great.
Now onto the 'not-so-great' part. The ex, whom at one point, (if any one person has read my blog in its entirety..I'm sorry.) was phrased by me to be a sane and functional person, although rather neglectful of personal hygiene. Since we announced our new wedding date? She has gone full-blown postal. Our entire lives revolve around 'ex-management'. I had a breaking point last night where I just said, "I can't live like this! Where are we, and how did we come to be here?" She was merely a nuisance before. She was just an annoying fly buzzing around my peripheral vision but now she is a wasp attacking my face. Her calls have been on an upward spiral from anywhere between once to five times a night. She is guilt-tripping the kids for giving me mothers day presents. She is telling 9K he has anxiety attacks because he gets short of breath sometimes. She told him he is going to die if he eats candy. I wouldn't be surprised if she CAUSED him to have an anxiety attack. 9K feels and sees the new tension between his mommy dearest and I, and I think it is causing him pain. I just don't know what to do. I smile and put on a happy face when I just want to punch her square in the mouth. It's so stressful. I'm sure most of you have to deal with this day in and day out and I'm sure I sound like I'm whining. Which I am. heh. At least I still have my sense of humor, right? So I tried to talk to C about it today, but unfortunately K and word-speaking-good don’t go together so well. I guess it came out that I don’t want the kids around because our lives revolve around this, when that just doesn’t sound like what I’m trying to say. I don't know how to say what it is I feel. I just want C to myself for like, 2 seconds. Example: We had dinner with both of our parents last week. It was wonderful right up until she called to yell about something. He excused himself from the table and went outside to talk to her and I was left to fill the awkward gap for 15 minutes until I went out and got him and told him to get off the phone that instant. I can't even have one dinner without being rudely reminded she exists. If he doesn't answer the phone she flips and starts calling both of us alternately. So I enacted a rule today. She can call, leave a message and if she wants to talk to 9K, he will call her back, otherwise she can leave it in the message whatever is on her mind that stupid second. What do you think? Is it too much? Not enough? Should I build a fort of pillows and blankets around me with crayon drawn pictures of "no ex's allowed"? I feel so trapped. Its got me clawing at the celing. I hope people still stop by here, even if it's been months since I've written. I need advice! Lemme know what ya'll think.
Grumpy in her fort,
K

9K...isn't it always?

So I have this week and next off from work because it's spring break for the school district here. Today I have 4K all day, and we have had a great time coloring eggs and hanging out with Princess (my 9 year old sister) 4K looks up to her so much! It's precious...
Well, 9K is at his grandparents house today, even though it is not their spring break yet. He was suspended from school yesterday afternoon and today. I guess from what I can gather, 9K has been hanging out with this boy Alan, and Alan was expelled from his last school and is new there. He is not in 9K's class, but they see eachother afterschool and recess and walk to ESS together. Well I guess yesterday the boy Alan tried to get 9K and another boy to go beat up some kid. From what 9K told me him and the other boy told Alan no, but stood by while Alan threatened this kid. The kid told on all three of them and they all got suspended. This is his first offence and I honestly believe he wouldn't threaten another kid. He likes littler kids, he likes to help with them and never ever picks on them. Right now 9K is quaking in his boots of facing his dad this evening because he knows how his dad feels about that. Unhappy. :P

testing

I hate testing. That's all. I hope everyone is having a good Monday. We are working on the writing proficiency test for tomorrow. Pray 9K does well :)

Why I love you

9K this is for you.

My dearest son,
You recently asked me how it was different because Dad was adopted and I explained to you that it was a lot like our relationship. I didn't birth you, heck, I didn't even know you the first 7 years of your life. But now? We are family, and I love you just as much as if I had done both those things. I love you because you run up and hug me in front of your friends. I love you because you challenge me. I love you because you look at me and just smile. I love you because when you heard me tease your dad that I would kill him if he cheated on me, you opted in that you would kill him too. I love that you get me and my sense of humor. I love that you never let an hour pass without reminding me that you love me. I love that you sing alicia keyes and sean kingston outloud in the car, especially alicia keyes. I love that you ask me if a random band or artist 'loves the Lord' because they say his name in their songs. I love that you care about things like that, and you love your Lord God above all others. I love that you want to be physically near me at an age most boys are starting to push away a little bit. I love that you watch out for me, and I know you would stick up for me if you thought someone would hurt me. You're such a protective soul just like your dad. I even love that you're making it hard for me to write this because you want to sit next me. :) I love that you want every thing explained to you because you want to understand even if makes you mad. I love it when you cook with me in the kitchen. You made me smile this morning when you thought I was still sleeping because you told your dad you wanted to make earrings for me out of your broken necklace that you loved so much. I laid there and just smiled and felt like my heart would explode inside my chest. I love that as I'm writing this there are tears in my eyes because I never knew I could love a child that wasn't biologically mine this much. In the car today you said I love you and I said I love you more and you told me that was impossible. I love cheering for you at your soccer games and that you don't mind I call you baby. I love that when I say I haven't gotten my hugs and kisses yet today you wrap your arms around me and let me kiss your cheek. I love that when I was in your class observing, everyone called me your mom and you didn't correct them. I love that in your penpal letter you called me mom and now and then you call out mom when you need me. Because I am. I will always be a mom to you. I will always love you as my son. I will consider your children my grandchildren. I don't care if people think that's weird or that I'm 'taking you away' from your biological mother because I'm not. I've never asked you to love me more, or told you what you can and cannot call me. I've always let you come to me. And you've choosen to come. I will forever be thankful for that. I love that you try to think of my feelings, and care how I'm doing. I love when you ask me questions. I love that you look up to me because I'm in college and you want to work really hard in school to go to college too. I love that you want to go everywhere with me. I'm so proud of you honey, you mean the world to me and I couldn't have asked God to bring a better son into my life. I love that you ask when I'm going to have a baby at least once a week. I'm so glad you see that as a good thing. You never fail to make me smile and laugh every day I spend with you. You are so handsome and smart, just like your dad, and I can't help but beam every time I think about what a wonderful man you're going to be someday. I love you more than life itself and always will...

Always and forever,
mom, K, ya know that lady you live with ;)

Crazy New Idea

C has a friend at work who is ADHD, she is in her thirties, I think, and had it so severe she got expelled from schools and fired from many jobs because she couldn't pay attention to anything. (how frustrating, right?!) She has a daughter who is about 9K's age who is also very ADHD. She discovered about 10 years ago that high doses of caffine counter effect the ADHD. She drinks red bull in the morning and afternoon and it works the same that ritalin does, it calms her down and lets her focus. She lets her daughter do the same, and it works the same on her as well. Now, C and I are debating giving this a try before we do meds. Both of us are worried about the affects taurine and caffine have on kids, but I started drinking coffee when I was 12 or 13...only a few years older thank 9K. Then again, I'm severly addicted to coffee and only 5 foot 1. *sigh* I'm gonna have to do more research on this, but it looks like maybe it could be an avenue that keeps us away from medication. We shall see...

9K and his diagnosis

Thank you Lacey for reminding me I had yet to post that! :)

9K was diagnosed by the school psychologist, who has been meeting with him weekly all year, as ADHD and ODD. Now, I was a child psych major for 2 years, but I had never heard of ODD. I don't know how I missed that, or why I didn't think there was a diagnosis for this issue, but it makes perfect sense. ODD stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. You can read more about it here:http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

I don't know how to put a link in. I am just not that skilled. Sorry.

It defines 9K. I should have caught this and now I feel guilty and determined to seek help for him now that I am aware. Like I said in my last post, he has his first meeting with a child/family psychologist in 2 weeks. We are addressing this issue. We are working on the diet, and we feel he is doing better at home. But of course as soon as I feel that way this happens...

I recieved this e-mail from one of his teachers today.

Dear K and C,

We have been working with 9K since we met at his IEP. He comes into room 23 from 8:30 to 9:30 Monday through Friday. We work with him on Language Arts. It is quite a struggle for him to attend, even in a group of one teacher to four students. In his classroom, he is impulsive and inattentive. His MAPS scores went down and we'd like to share those with you. He scored lower on a math Posttest in class this week, than on the pretest. I would like to invite you to come to His School and observe or "shadow" 9K some morning during his academic time in my room 23, and in his classroom. It would help us open up further dialogue with you on how we can best help him to attend to instruction. For example, he was chewing gum in my class on Monday. I told him on Tuesday that this was alright to do, in my room, since it is a strategy that helps some ADD/ADHD people focus better. How do you feel about this strategy for him? Please call me at His School at... and let me know when you can come in and observe and/or shadow 9K working. It will give you a better picture of how challenging it is for him to learn in school. Thank you for your interest in working with us, for 9K's learning.

This is a ploy. I know a lot of you read that and think, "oh what attentive and caring teacher this lady is" But no. See the bold text. I know what she means. She means...PUT THIS BOY ON MEDS! I see it loud and clear. We know he struggles. And if C went in to shadow him like she was suggesting he would do just fine, be on his best behavior. It would not give us a good idea of how it's working. It might be the same if I went in, but usually he is much better behaved for his father than me, since he is still testing the waters and figuring out what he can and can't get away with. We will see. I'm going to call the teacher and see if I can come in on a thursday because I don't work and don't have classes till 2:30. *sigh*

I'm gonna go veg on the couch now and debate how much healthy choice ice cream you can eat before it's no longer a healthy choice. :)

-K

Ahem I'm not dead.

So I know I said I would post regularly since I was back online at home, but the thing is, I have always done most of my posting at work, (aka on other peoples time) and since they decided I was spending too much time on their computers (yeah yeah whateva) they turned them off/locked them up. So I've gone 3 weeks with out even so much as LOOKING at blogger. Well muah-ha-ha they left it on today and baby is sleeping plus my homework is done so here I am. Typing away. I've missed writing so much. I've starting having angry dreams, you know the ones where you wake up and glare at the perfectly innocent party lying in bed next to you? I think it's because I've been neglecting my writing. Last night I dreamt C had scattered my neatly color-seperated laundry ALL OVER the house looking for one shirt. I mean it was everywhere. Dirty clothes everywhere. And the worst part? He didn't care! This is one of my biggest pet peves. I have between 4 and 5 laundry baskets out at all times to keep it from even touching my floor, not to mention the big one in the closet. So all together I have 3 in the closet, (one of those large seperator ones) 1 in my bathroom, 2 in my bedroom (one of me, one for C) and 1 in the kids room. That is 7 laundry baskets. I'm a nut case, I tell you. So I woke up this morning angry as a cat in bathwater glaring at him. That was when I decided I needed to get back to my writing. :)

Updates:
We had a big meeting at 9K's school with (deep breath) the principal, the school psychologist, the assistant school psychologist, the school nurse, the head of the Special Ed. department, and of course, his teacher. C, the Ex and I all came too. We squeezed into this tiny little room and sat in little bitty chairs. It was very informative but on the same level C and I got quite upset. They were all pushing for 9K to be put on meds. They argued with C and I up and down about the diet he's on and how we are holding him back by not puting him on meds. I felt like I was in 7th grade again being asked to smoke pot. The guilt trip was immense. We went home, sat down and took a deep breath and talked for about 2 hours. We think the diet is helping. We think it would help a HELL of a lot more if the Ex didn't screw it up every other weekend and on thursdays by giving him pure crap. We think the vitamens are helping. We think the consistant schedule is helping and we think the fact we put him in sports is helping. (His first soccer game was last thursday! sooooo awesome!) He has his first appointment with a child psychologist next tuesday. We are doing everything possible to keep him off meds. We had a talk with the Ex and she is going to 'try' to do the diet as well and we will see if that helps. The school people said we are running out of time and he needs meds now but C and I begged them to let us at least try this for 2 months. So we are fighting basically the whole school board and his mother to keep him from being a little drone. We are working so hard, and I feel more and more everyday like there is this big countdown clicking over his head until he gets taken in and perscribed drugs for something I KNOW we can control with out them. *sigh*

As I've mentioned since 9K has moved in with us, the Ex is now calling every night to get C to control 4K. It's rediculous. I've had it to here with this crap. I'm furious she wants to put 4K in kindergarten because it's free and she doesn't have to pay for daycare anymore. 4K has not gone to preschool. Her daycare provider does "preschool things" but it is not in the strictest sense a preschool. 4K does not know her colors, she does not know her numbers, she can't write her name, she cant' stand in line, she can't sit still during circle time, just to start the list of reasons she needs Preschool. Her daycare provider even said she's not ready. So last night I told the Ex this. She said she knows I'm trying to help but it's her decision. I replied, Her and C's, correct. But by now she should know that C's choice is what we have discussed or basically, my decision. I'm so irratated she keeps calling me because she doesn't want to talk to C. I have told her countless times it's between them mostly cause I just don't want to get in the middle. But at least this way she won't call me for a while cause now she's mad at both of us. lol...

Other than that life is busy crazy as always..I hope everyone is doing great and Happy early Valentines Day!!!