Half-way done!

I can't believe I'm already five months pregnant. Hit the 20 week mark yesterday. We are so excited for our baby bird, Eden. Things are going really well with my fiance and I, which makes me feel so lucky. I hear about a lot of problems in relationships during pregnancy, and the board I like to post on, babyandbump has featured one to many marriages and relationships ending to make anyone feel safe in theirs. We had a few rocky months, November and the beginning of December were rough, but we went through a lot of changes, did some growing and came out the other side better people. I am happy the holidays are over and things are feeling normal, comfortable and strong.

Aside from being wonderfully pregnant, I graduated from college in December(woo-hoo!) and started my masters program in January. (whimper) I am resolute on finishing my degree before Eden is one, which will be a huge accomplishment. My friend who has been in college about 5 years longer than me is finally going to be done the same time I am, and I just started! I go to Chapman, so all my classes are the 8 week session style, making them very challenging but over fast. I keep telling myself I can do anything for 8 weeks and not die. (I repeat this mantra probably far to often.) Overall, I am pretty pleased with how quickly schooling can get done when you really dump your all into it.

I also started a second job last august, so I work 7 days a week (that's right, not one day off) and go to school full time as well. Needless to say I am beyond busy. I would love to be better about updating this, but as it is I believe I am on week 14 of my pregnancy fill-it-out books (oops) and my cup runneth over. I hope everyone is doing fantastic, from time to time I read your guys' blogs, you know, when I should be doing homework. Maybe once I quit the second job in March (ugh only 5 more weeks!!!) I will have a bit more time. :)

Much love,
K

I'm gonna be a MOMMMMMMY!

Can I tell you how nice it feels to say that word without the step in front of it? I am 10 weeks along today, already 1/4 done! It's going by very quickly! I found out when I was only a bit past 3 weeks. I couldn't be more excited. More to come, but I just had to finally take the 2 seconds to write it!!

4 years ago today

Flipping back through my blog I read a post I had written 4 years ago, September of 2007. The sadness and struggle I went through trying to "fix" a severely broken family just overwhelms me at times. It's been a year and a half since I've seen or spoken to C's son. He turned 13 this year. It's been about a month since I've spoken to his daughters, who are 11 and (turning) 8. I saw them a while back...but sometimes it just hurts too much. Knowing I can't change or fix them, or their shattered lives makes it difficult to think of them, and although 11K and I text from time to time I can't focus much on them without the accompanying pain.

Also, I spent a while going through others blogs and it's weird to see almost all of them have turned into ex-step-mom blogs too. It certainly was a weird transition. No one tells you how to grieve for a family you lost, but never really had.

I am happily almost done with school, working a couple jobs and my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby. :) Now that's going to be exciting. As much as he wants to get married I have a very difficult time with the idea of marriage, so we will see about that. I am perfectly happy with a "partner for life" and someone who respects me and treats me well. Also, he doesn't have any kids. I made that a rule when I re-entered the dating world, and it was a hard one to follow. I was seeing a great guy for a while, but refused to commit because he has a (absolutely beautiful)2 year old little girl. I just kept telling myself I didn't want to wind up in a position where I had to lose a little one again like C's youngest daughter. I won't do it again. So I am so happy to have met someone who wants their own family and is anxious to have one with ME! :)

So I'm currently learning the lingo of preggers forums instead of step-mom forums...I'm excited for this journey into motherhood, and can't wait to have a little one that's all my own. I told my boyfriend too, that if things don't work out between us for whatever reason (ahhh Pessimist at heart) that I have seen how nasty divorces can be and we will be LUCKY to not deal with them. He didn't see this as *quite* the logical reasoning I did, but accepted it none the less.

This is month 2 of TTC, J (the boyfriend) REALLLLY wants a little girl. He wants a little princess. It was funny because for a long time all I wanted was a girl, and after being a nanny to so many boys, and having so many boys in the classroom's I've been in snag my heart strings, I was convinced I wanted a boy first. But now, I am thinking a girl would be pretty amazing too. :) We agreed that all we really want in the end is a healthy baby. My studies focus on autism, and the thought of having an autistic child just scares me to death. (Another reason I am hoping for a girl now too lol) I have my own disorders and so does J, we both have suffered from mild-moderate depression in the past, I have mild OCD that focuses mainly around food, (fears of food being contaminated, getting sick, obsessions about what I've eaten, compulsions to eat certain things at certain times) and a mild form of Trichotillomania, which has been really bad lately, probably due to stress. I luckily do not pull hair on my head. It started when I was young with the twisting and pulling of my eyebrows to relieve stress when studying or doing other things, it was very absent-minded. Then when I started puberty I began plucking leg hairs, and bikini line hairs. Eventually I stopped pulling my eyebrows but I will spend hours and hours in the bathroom methodically plucking my legs or bikini area. I am just so thankful I don't pull hair on my head, I feel so bad for those who do. I am fearful that I will pass on my oddities. I know I can hide a lot of this, just by simply calling myself 'picky' and a 'very mindful eater' as well as 'kind of vain' I 'need my beauty time'. I do masks on my face and waxing other parts as well to offset the time I spend in the bathroom. I will make every effort to speak to my child about depression and what it looks like since this is something that was passed onto me, but never spoken about in my house.

Ahhh it feels good to get all that off my chest. I am so excited to be onto bigger and better things, and I hope some of you ladies are still out there in blogger-land with me. :)

Always,
K

Proceed with Caution

So I know it's been a long time since I've written on here, but that's because I have a real live physical diary now that I write in just about every night. It's the first time I've had one in forever. Mostly, because I knew if C ever found such things I would be monumentally screwed. So life is going really well...My restraining order went thru, they gave me 3 years which I guess was kind of a big deal. I hear that 98% of the time they only give 1 year. So that's done. The same week I filed for divorce. He has 2 more days to put in a response but seeing as he is moving out of our old house over the next few days I doubt he is going to be doing that. I downloaded the judgment packet to complete, ugh, I never knew there was SO much paperwork for divorce. No wonder people hire lawyers...just so they don't have to deal with the paperwork. Best part of the last month is I met someone...Wasn't looking for it, by any means, but I guess that's when they stumble into your life, right? He has a similar background, married to someone with kids, no kids together, divorced...his reasons were much much different, but still things I can relate to. He cooks, he's gorgeous, he's half Italian like me, comes from a great family...we are taking things really slow so I like that too. Other than that my life has mostly consisted of going out with friends, shopping, and basically healing. I am in a really good place. :)

Restraining Orders

So, I guess it's a good thing I learned how to do court paperwork while filing for child support back with C. I filed divorce and a restraining order last week. Well, C broke the order on Friday by calling and leaving a message on my phone. I decided to give him a warning, so I called his parents, let them know there was a restraining order and that next time I will be calling the cops. Fair warning right? Well, he was served last night, and today he thought it would be a good idea to COME TO MY HOUSE and drop off a 20 page letter detailing our entire relationship (excluding the physical abuse) and how he will "take me back, no questions asked" when I'm done screwing all of California. It also had the phone number for our "new marriage counselor" and...AND he wrote in plain black and white that when my parents house got robbed three years ago, it was him who did it. I hit a breaking point. I called the cops, filed a report and now he is going to jail. I don't know for how long, I'm going to call tomorrow and find out some more information. Until then...I don't think I'll be sleeping to well knowing he may get out and knows where I am. That is so scary to me. *sigh* I can't believe any of this is real. It's so hard...

Penguins

I went out last night with a friend of mine, and we were driving past sea world. I commented on how much I love sea world and how I can spend all day in the penguin enclosure and he said, Ew, penguins smell. I literally almost started bawling. One of my best memories of C and I is sitting in the penguin enclosure with me gushing over every damn penguin in there. It is one of the few fully happy memories that didn't end with a fight. I have so many half memories. Where we had a wonderful time then as soon as we got home the world exploded. I always felt sad thinking of those memories. I got through the moment though, and went on to have a lovely evening. :) I feel that I will always have pangs of memories, and most won't send me to tears, and all will fade with time, getting less and less painful. I am moving forward very successfully though! I am getting a car next week, a huge hurdle for me. One of C's greatest control techniques was making sure I never had my own car since right before we were married. There was always some excuse or reason why I didn't need one, but I see that now it was a mean of making me helpless, dependent. I also have put my resume out to find a full time job, AND I found my own place. These might seem minor to someone, but to me, it's something I almost believe I would never be able to do. :)

As my world readjusts

So I know it's been a good 10 months since I have written on here. And I miss it. I was glad to come back and see most are doing well. The world of step families is a pretty crazy one. There are many things I left out over my periods of writing, and perhaps here and now is the time to share them with you all. C was an abusive husband. Not just verbally, but also physically. I hoped for so sooo long that something would change him, but nothing ever did. It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved him, it could not change the essence of his being. As far as I know, the kids are alright, due to restraining orders/threats I have not seen them in almost a month. I miss them so much. Some relationships are doomed from the very start, and I feel ours was one of them. I chose to write today because today was the day I filed my divorce papers. It was very bittersweet. I'm so glad to finally be free of the abuse and get on with my life, seeing as I'm only 25, but I feel it is part of my duty as a human being, a survivor, a previous step mother and a woman to talk about this. I think the very hardest part was those first steps out the door. I've heard for so long that I could never make it on my own, that I almost believed it. I also struggle with the stigma that abuse survivors deal with. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't deal with it and couldn't move forward with anything. It was like being stuck in cement, no matter which way I tried to turn, there felt like there was no escape. I feel that women who stay in relationships are broken in their own right, just as I was. They become so buried in emotions that reality and fact are like a mist, surreal and ethereal. I was/am so in love with C that I refused for a very long time to admit how broken our relationship was. Looking back it seems so clear but at the time I can assure you it was not. I struggled with wanting to leave Coy since last summer, but I am a stubborn person and on some bad advice tried to make things work between us. Just like always it got better for a few months, then went right back down the tubes. I was finally able to admit to myself that the relationship I was in was in no way, shape, or form, healthy for me. Perhaps it was the longing for peace that finally led me to leave. And it is wonderful. :) My only hope is that instead of the pity that most feel towards women who stayed in abusive relationships will abate, and instead hope and joy can be found in the strength it took them to leave. I am so proud of myself, and I want everyone to be happy I made it out before he did me in. I am enjoying many things I wasn't allowed to have/do before, like go out with my friends, have private phone conversations, go clothes shopping and have time to myself.

I think when you take the step, and file paperwork for divorce, no matter how rough or awful a marriage was there is a sadness and even mourning in it. I loved him. With all my heart and soul. I wouldn't have stood for any of the things I did if I hadn't. I am glad to say I am not easily broken and even after 3 years of detrimental physical and verbal abuse my spirit never broke. It saddens my heart to know that his life has lost meaning and from what I hear he is sinking into a pit of despair from which he may never emerge. But, that is his choice not mine. To finally sit down and say, "No, there is no hope of reconciliation-I'm done", was hard to do, but also necessary. I do miss the little things that came with someone knowing you well, and we had many, many good times together that I will always cherish. I think the most important first step was forgiveness. I will never say it was okay what he did, but I can freely forgive him because this lightens my soul. The resentment and hatred that builds from being in a relationship like that is easy to hold on to. I've seen it many times with ex-wives. I refuse. I am determined to be happy, but right now I am very focused on my own healing. I have lots of plans for my future and for a while that means being alone which isn't easy after being with the same person, my best friend, day in and day out for the last 3 years. Those moments when you forget and pick up the phone to call can be very devastating. They have faded with time, but that is a loss that I feel will make my heart heavy for a bit longer. I am determined to never be in a relationship pattern like that again. The word relationship actually makes me want to go running for the hills right now. C is/was convinced that I left him for another man, but I guess it's easier to make oneself believe a self-preserving lie than have to admit that someone left them because of who they are inside. I hope in time he sees where his choices have led him and makes change on his own, for his sake. Well it's 2 am and I just needed to get all that off my chest so I can sleep.

It's good to be home. :)

-K

C and I work it out/ Court

C has called 10K out to war and pushed our marriage safely back from the front lines where it has previously lain. I think he finally got it. Since my last post C has not let one disrespectful comment pass 10K's lips without an immediate talking to and apology to me. He contacted the doctor and he has an appointment in 2 weeks to get put on medication. He is going to be in summer school from 8-11 and C has given me full permission to shove him out the front door and tell him to go play till dinner. I also am getting my own 'space' in our new house we move into tomorrow. I get a large section of our master bedroom for a chaise lounge, bookshelves and an antique roll top desk for my scrap booking. At any time they become to much, I can go in my room, lock my door, and be in a sanctuary until I can gain control again. It's been a stressful move, but having 10K be more respectful has been a very nice breath of fresh air.

Also, C and I went to court yesterday to hash out this stupid child support issue. The mediator was fantastic, and I hope we see him on the 26th. Yesterday was the date for C's support case against her for 10K. They sat down with the mediator, and I sat close by in the waiting area. It was hilarious. She kept saying, I don't understand why I have to pay 555 and he only has to pay 233! and the mediator explained (more than once) it's because C has more kids, more often and makes less than she does. She then actually asked if the 555 was negotiable. lol...he said no. She brought up her case about getting us to pay half of the girls after school care, which she pays way to much for. C brought up that we have offered to help her find care for the girls that would be much cheaper, but she's refused. She says to the mediator, "Well, I want them in ESS." to which he replies, "Oh, you have full 100% legal custody?" she says, "No, we have 50/50" and then he says, "Oh, well then C has a say as to who watches the girls too, and it's not just your decision."
It was funny. It reminded me of another ex I've read about, how she has this idea that, well, I think it should be this way, and because I want it, make it so, immediately. I guess she just didn't get that just because she 'thinks' (that's pushing the definition of the word) she should get tons of money and owe us nothing doesn't mean that is what is true, actual, or has anything to do with the real world. Ring Ring, Earth calling Crazy...

The Twitching Continues

Okay, so I've tried to talk to C, and I'm getting no where. Night before last I approched him, and in my most sweet and timid voice asked him about this summer and what we are going to do. I said, "If I can't handle him this summer (remember I'm supposed to watch all 3 Demons all summer since I was vollen-told) what are we going to do?" His response? Nothing. He wouldn't even talk to me. I waited patiently for about 20 minutes then phrased the question again. C blew up at me, telling me he wants a divorce because I can't handle 10K and he's going to choose him over me. So we haven't spoken till today, and now he's acting like nothing ever happened. Apparently I'm still watching 10K this summer. Apparently I'm still married. Ugh. I think we've hit the breaking point...it's forward or out from here on...Wish me luck

Attitude and Back Talk

The two things on this God blessed green earth that I can't stand. And what does 10K give me? Almost nothin but attitude, and back talk. I was (unhappily, unwillingly, etc.) forced to watch 10K over his spring break because it was mine as well. I was bitter, but tried to make the best of it. C knows I can't stand to be stuck at home all day with him since he gives me nothing but grief, but there was no alternative so I grudgingly listened, suffered, put up with, all the whining, crying fits about how I was packing and couldn't entertain him every second of the whole day. So I decide to go out on a limb. As I've mentioned before, just about any trip involving just 10K and I turns into a nightmare from which I swear up and down I'm never taking him anywhere ever ever again. (To myself of course) So on Wednesday, after 2 days of packing and dealing with the whining and crying I decided we were going to go out. So, we went downtown and went to Ikea, where he begged to get lunch so I said sure and took him out to lunch, then he wanted to go to sports authority, so I let him. When we were all done we had to go pick up the girls from their school. On the drive there 10K asks if he can stay in the car while I go in and get the girls. Now that is usually not an issue since I'm usually just running into ESS (after-school care) and grabbing them, but today I was actually going into the school and needed to speak with their teachers so I told 10K I didn't feel comfortable leaving him in the car unsupervised that long and I wanted him to come in with me. His exact works, "I'm not going in, and you can't make me!" Now if there is one thing in the world, be it spoken from woman, child or man, that I can't stand, it is those 4 words. You. Can't. Make. Me. Oh you wanna bet mister? I may be small. But I am tougher than nails. So I calmly tell him he is coming on his own volition or he will be dragged. This is where the screaming and crying start. I don't have a clue what all this is about! So I ask him. Apparently he feels that he is going to be literally, MOBBED by people wanting to talk to him. I tried to explain that no one really cares, and it doesn't matter but he wouldn't budge. We started screaming, trying to see who would win this power struggle. I was beginning to think this was utterly the silliest thing ever so I shook my head and laughed quietly to myself which sparked an outrage in 10K. The words out of his mouth? "SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Before I could even think I reached back from the front seat (oh he is lucky I'm little) and swung. I grazed his cheek with my fingertips which prompted more screaming of "DON'T HIT ME!" To which I said, "I didn't hit you, but I swear if you ever tell me to shut up again..." To which he screamed, "THEN DON'T HIT ME!" Note: We are in the school parking lot. I take a deep breath, open the car door, get out and shut it. Luckily all the cars around us were empty or I would have been so mortified... I went and sat in front of 5K's classroom. I'm half an hour early. I cried and texted C and told him I'm done. I can't handle this child any more. I can't deal with the abuse he puts out, or what he makes me want to do. I almost slapped him! I told C he needs to find someone else to watch the boy, because I am DONE. I explained what happened to C and his only response was, "Why didn't you just let him stay in car?" Not, "Honey, that's an awful situation. I'll talk to him as soon as I get home!" Nothing. So I get the girls, and get back in the car. We get to my parents house because I had to get some stuff, and I tell the girls to get out. I turn around and said to 10K, "Look, I'm sorry I called you a brat, and yelled at you, and everything else. That was disrespectful of me. I need you to treat me with respect, just like I should treat you with respect. So, I'm sorry for being disrespectful." I then informed him he could wait in the car while we all went inside my parents house. After, I drove them over to C's parents because Wednesday nights we have dinner with them. I told C's mom that 10K was grounded and needed to stay in the guest room the whole evening until church. I went to pick up C from work. It was silent for a while. I finally broke the stillness with, "I'm so sorry C, I just don't know what to do any more." And he asked what he should do, and I said I didn't care, ship him off to boot camp, ship him off to military school, just do something! And C says, oh great, you're just another person in his life that doesn't want him around. To which I replied, Well, maybe it's not us, maybe it's 10K... The conversation stopped there. C didn't say a word to 10K about his behavior. C has some deluded sense that Me, his ex-wife, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, and everyone else that comes into contact with 10K are wrong. We tell him what we see. A troubled child, a broken heart, unrequited anger, potential violence...but it all falls on deaf ears.

Quote of the day: From Lucky Number Slevin. The Rabbi says,
"The first time someone calls you a horse you punch him on the nose, the second time someone calls you a horse you call him a jerk but the third time someone calls you a horse, well then perhaps it's time to go shopping for a saddle."

Catch my drift?

Follow Through

Thank you for your comments,
I, unfortunately, can not be the one to take the skateboard. It was C who gave this rule life, and it is he who must enforce it. If he doesn't want to follow through, like the countless times before, that's his choice. That's how he is deciding to raise his son. I can hoot and holler and fight with my husband all day long over 10K and what C should and shouldn't do, but in the end what am I doing besides causing myself grief? I've told C a million times that by not following through on what he says he is giving 10K the absolute irrevocable answer of, "What you do does not matter to me and I will not punish you. Also, please never believe me again."

This is the fine line between being a step-mom and being a mom. As a mom I would most certainly have taken it upon myself to enforce whatever C says. As a step-mom, that would be overstepping my crudely drawn line in the sand. And as irritating, annoying, frustrating and twitch-inducing it can be, there will always be that line with 10K. I don't really know if C and I will ever be on the same page with him. I'm strict, C is more lenient. I don't harbor years of guilt for screwing up the first 8 years of 10K's life, C does. I feel like when we have our own child it will be fresh and we can compromise easier because it won't be an attack every time I say something about my child. I can say I don't like how our child behaved today and I'm going to ground him and C will probably just shrug and say whatever. Instead of taking it as personal attack on him. I also feel that discipline will be easier with our own child because there won't be that tremendous guilt in the way. I think we will still butt heads over his leniency and my nazi-esque strictness, but all parents butt heads now and then. Countdown till we start trying to get pregnant: 21 weeks. That's 147 days. That's so not soon enough. :)

Lying. When is it ever Not about lying?

So a few weeks ago we had this huuuge issue with lying. I mean, a blow-out to end all blow-outs. I'm looking back and for some reason am seeing nada on it...I could have sworn I wrote about it, but anyways I will now if I have not done so!

It was a Tuesday. I'm on my way home from work, and my phone rings. It's 10K's teacher. (oooh gooody.) She informs me that she is getting more and more worried about 10K moving on to middle school. (yep, join the club) She tells me that 10K did not turn in a homework assignment that was do that morning, so he got a recess detention. After recess detention, he strolls into the room with his detention sheet. Teacher looks at it and says to 10K, "This is not Mrs. Detention Lady's signature, 10K." "Yes it is." he responds. "No, it most certainly is not, and I'm going to call Mrs. DL in here right now." "Fine. Go ahead. It's her signature." he nonchalantly replied. (That's what freaked her out the most, how little he seemed to care.) So Teacher calls in Mrs. DL and says, "Mrs. DL, is this your signature?" "Why, No, Teacher, it is certainly not. In fact, you see this erasing here? I had written that 10K did not complete his detention because he did not follow the rules, and needed another detention." What does 10K say? "THATS NOT TRUE! You said I didn't have to come back!" They both looked at him like any one would look at a delusional person. I've figured out his game. If he can pit the adults against each other like he was trying to do here, the focus is no longer on him. Needless to say, it didn't work this time. He received 2 detentions for lying. I think he should have been suspended, personally. I'm all for hard punishments. So now I'm speechless on the phone with his poor teacher. I don't know what to say except, Oh, He'll be sorry. Yessiree... I hang up and go into the house. I sat in the car for the conversation because I didn't want him listening in. I casually ask him if there is anything he has to say about his teacher just calling me. "Nope." he says. I ask if there is anything he wants to tell me about what happened today. He get's this confused look like, what could I have possibly done that she wants to hear about? "Noooo...nothing happened today." I think I turned 2 shades darker than maroon. "Get. In. Your. Room. We will talk about this later." I call C. I tell him whats happened. I say 10K should be grounded for life. At least a week. C has never grounded him for more than a day before. I'm pacing until C gets home. I call my mom. I don't know what to do with this child for whom lying is like breathing. She agrees. Life sentance. C gets home, and I demand he be punished more than a day. I won't be able to control my anger if he gets away with this. We agree on a week. I say he shouldn't be able to go to his camp that weekend even if it was all paid for. He says we will talk about that. We sit down with 10K. He glares at us. We tell him what the teacher said, and what does he do? He tries to deny it! C jumps all over that and tells 10K he's grounded. Done. He then tells him that if he lies again, his skateboard, his most precious belonging in the whole world, will be donated to the Good Will. Another child will benefit from him lying. His allowance is suspended and he has lost all trust. I'm proud. My husband finally stood up to the 10 year old. The next few days are hard, and every day C and I bicker more and more. C wants to let him off for good behavior! What?!?!?! Letting a child off being grounded before the sentence is served is just as bad as no punishment at all! We argued over camp that weekend. C's parents had paid for it, and they would not get their money back. It was also a church camp and hopefully it might do some good in his heart, so we finally decided to let him go. The Monday after camp he is supposed to be grounded. C and I get in an all out fight over it! Dude, just ONE MORE DAY. Tuesday I'm so over it. C lets 10K come out of his room, but he can't go play. Whatever. We were happy it was over, C and I stopped arguing.

Fastforward to last night. I'm doing laundry and C comes up to help me. 10K calls and says, "I finished my dinner, can I have some little sausages now?" C says sure. We get home, and there is a yogurt covered spoon in the sink, sausages on the counter and I ask 10K if he ate one of my yogurts, the ones I save for school. "No." Well, I just did dishes before I left to do laundry, and the sink was empty but now there is a yogurt covered spoon in the sink, and seeing as you were the only one in the house while Dad and I did laundry, I'm just going to have to go out on a limb here and say, Yes, you did eat it. "NO I DIDN'T!" What does C say? Maybe it was your brother this morning K. What? Did no one hear what I just said? I left, to do laundry, with 0 dishes in the sink. Now there is 1 spoon in the sink. 0+1=1 last time I checked, and unless my brother swung by, threw a spoon in the sink from the window, I don't see how it could have been my brother this morning. At this point I pull out the trash can to further prove my point. Not only is there a half eaten yogurt cup, there is 10K's untouched dinner in there. I tell C that 10K threw away his dinner and C says to 10K, "You told me you finished dinner!" What does he say? "No I didn't!" C says, Yes you did. You called me, told me you finished dinner and asked for sausages. I shake my head and back out at this point. C argues with 10K and tells him he's in his room till bed. I'm disgusted with the lying. If you ate the stupid yogurt just say you ate it. If you threw away your dinner, just admit it.

The worst part? 10K's skateboard is still sitting there in his room....laughing at me. Taunting me. I so want to go throw it in the dumpster. There is no follow through in this house, and I'm so damned over it.

The Evilest Step Mom Ever....Me.

So my brother declared that I am truly an Evil Step Mother. You know why? Because I was perched on the arm of my couch hovering over my laptop ooh-ing and aaah-ing over expensive military boarding schools in Virgina...

Hey, a Step Mom can dream can't she?

Check out this one! (My number 1 pick) :)
www.forkunion.com

Twitch

I'm trying. I'm trying to ignore the banging coming from the other side of the wall. I'm trying to ignore the screaming and the crying. But now I'm starting to twitch. 10K has stayed home sick today and yesterday. His Grandma is sick as well, and since my time is apparently expendable I'm stuck here. At home. Twitching. Yesterday was just annoying. I tried my best to ignore the attitude because he didn't feel well. I didn't even argue with C over letting him lay on the couch and watch movies all day, which I hate sick kids doing. Then today C wakes me up and tells me that I have to stay home again. Fine. I didn't say a word about him laying all over the couch again, probably getting us all sick in the mean time, I just let it go. Then the whining started. Then the yelling started. Then the tears and yelling while whining started. I was doing a total house cleaning since I have friends coming down from LA this weekend. I told 10K that if he felt so much better he could clean his room and hang up his clothes. I took stuff off the toy and book shelves that didn't belong there and asked him to put them away. His actual words, "You took them down, you put them away." Um, excuse me? Let me check really quick, yep this is YOUR room! If you don't take care of your stuff, I'll just throw it away. "You can't do that. You can't throw away my stuff!" Hmm, why yes, yes I can. If you don't care enough about it to put it where it belongs or take care of it, then you don't care if I throw it away. It took everything I had not to go grab a trash bag just like my mother would have done. Instead I walked out. Later I came back and continued organizing and cleaning, and in the process tripped over a broken scooter. I asked 10K to run it down to the dumpster. "No, it's fine. I'm not throwing it away!" It's broken. You can't even ride it. Throw it away. "NO!!!! I'M KEEPING IT!" So I called C. I said make him throw the #&*$%@ thing away before I go postal trying to clean this room. So he did. Then he wanted lunch. Fine dude, I'm vacuuming. There is soup in the cupboard. He makes it. It sits on the counter. He says he now doesn't want it. Wasted. I start cleaning the kitchen. I tell him he has 10 minutes to eat what he made, or I am going to throw it away and he's not eating till dinner. Fine, throw it away, he says. So I do. Now he's back slobbering and coughing all over my couch while screaming he's not sick. I ignore him. I finally tell him that I want him to go lay down and take a nap because I'm tired of the whining and he needs rest. He flat out says, "No. I'm allowed to be out here if I want to be." I asked if he was in some delusional state where he made the rules. He said my rules were stupid and stormed into his room. Then he calls C and whines that I am making him stay in his room all day. (What?! It's been 15 minutes!) So I tell C about the fits and C agrees he needs to rest and tells 10K that. So now, I'm trying to ignore the banging of drum sticks and hellish racket that is coming from the other side of my living room wall. I am not good with sick kids. When I was a nanny and had to take care of sick kids it drove me crazy. I am a total germaphobe and I don't want to get sick! That's why I think sick kids should stay in their rooms. Then all I have to do is change their sheets, vacuum and lysol the hard surfaces. Now I have to disinfect my couch, the recliner, the kitchen table, the remotes and everything else he rubbed on. Yech! When I was a kid, I had no choice. If I stayed home sick, I stayed in my room and read books. My mom would bring me food, check my temperature and deliver medicine. If I was okay by the evening I could watch tv with the family, but I wasn't allowed to cough all over everyone like he did last night when the girls were here and like he's been trying to do to me all day! Well, at least this is one thing I know I will have control over with my own kids. :P And at least my house is clean so I don't have to do it tomorrow...Woo-saaah...Wooo-saaaaaah. *rubbing earlobes*

Harsh and Confusing

I met with a woman from my church the other night and although I told everyone it went fantastic, and parts of it really did, I felt more confused than at ease by the end of our meeting. Let's call her Rachel, because she reminds me of someone named Rachel. First of all, Rachel has had a really hard life, and I feel for her, I totally do. She was abused emotionally as a child, married a man whose sole occupation in life was to cater to his son and only after really coming to know God and 2 years of hell did things start to turn around. She is terrified of having her own children which makes me sad because she would be a wonderful mom. She is really a great person, with good intentions and an open heart. There were just a few things said that made me look closer afterwards and think if those things were about me, or about her. I ranted mostly about 10K and how hard things are, how C and I have a hard time staying on the same page, the fits 10K throws and the resentment I'm trying to buffer against. I explained that C and I want to have a baby and she said we shouldn't because we weren't on the same page with 10K. Now, I do understand this because how are we going to raise another child when we can't even agree how to raise the one already living in our house! I totally think that same-page-ness is important, and C and I have both sat down and decided this will be an ongoing conversation and we will work hard at it. After she said that, she went on to say how perhaps I should look at like This is the family God gave me and I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it...I mentally shook my head and raised an eyebrow. I understand that I made a covenant. I do. I don't want out of my marriage! Rachel told me about a friend who was leaving her horrible loveless marriage and how she was mad at Rachel for telling her she should stay. Now, don't get me wrong, because I am a Christian and I do believe marriage should be forever, but I also believe there are very legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. Your husband beats you? Stay! Uh, no. He cheats on you constantly? Stay! Uh, no. You've tried everything from marriage counseling to shock therapy and nothing has worked? Stay Anyways! Uh...NO. I tried to tell her about my blog and said that most of the women are Christian and she said that was so good because non-Christians will constantly be telling me to get out of my marriage. What? Most of my real-life friends aren't Christians and NOT ONCE has anyone ever told me to get out. Rachel made me feel like I was asking for a divorce, that I was looking for a way out. Which isn't what I was doing at all! I just wanted advice on how to be a better communicator and deal with 10K. So after we talked I drove home, and the whole way I was confused. I was really clear about not wanting to end my marriage, (I even said those words!) I also was clear that we ARE going to have a child. I know we have to work on being on the same page and straightening out 10K, but I'm not going to just sit back and go, oh I made my bed I guess I should sleep in it and be miserable. Yech. So I am taking what I can of the conversation and using it and discarding the rest. Also I've been letting C handle all things 10K and stepping wayyyyy back. :) Be proud. It's hard.

House!

C and I decided that with us extending our family in the next year or so it was time to get out of the craphole apartment we live in where kids are not allowed to skateboard, ride their bikes, rollerblade or do anything that might cause "noise". We found a beautiful house, in a cul-de-sac, on the same street as his parents! The kids already have tons of friends there, not to mention we can just send them over to Grandma and Grandpa's whenever! We move May 1st so if you don't hear from me for a while it's not my usual laziness, it's that I'm packing/moving/setting up new internet. :) My brother is going to live with us for about a year (aka until my nesting instincts give way and I just HAVE to have the nursery set up) I am sooo excited. I am sick of living in an apartment. A tiny apartment at that. Thing I am most excited about: a washer and dryer! I am so sick of lugging loads of laundry up to our expensive, dirty laundromat. Now I can just toss a load in and go to work! No more camping out on top of washers so no one steals my clothes. Now my brother won't be camping out in my living room either! I'm excited because now I get to buy new furniture because we don't have enough for a 2000 sq ft house! We live in a 900 sq ft apartment. That's over twice our living space. Ah and no more freeway noise! :) There are so many things I'm excited for! :D Praise the Lord!!!! For He is Good!!!

Release Cont.

Okay so I know my last post was probably a lot to digest, and (believe it or not) I left a lot out! I just really hope it didn't put anyone off. What are you if not your story? When I think about my life, and everything I've seen and experienced in the past 24 years, I'm amazed. My life has been one crazy moment after the next and I've been struggling with the normality of the past 8 months. I enjoy the roller coaster of self-destruction, that adrenaline rush of hurdling toward a cliff and stopping only moments before you go over the edge. I do understand mortality and if I kept it up one of these times I will loose my footing and plummet, but none of that seems to matter when everything is chaos. I dated one guy right before C and he told me if I didn't stop what I was doing, he knew he would be attending my funeral within 2 years. He was probably right. Perhaps the insanity with C was akin to a forth of July firework finale. Perhaps I'm supposed to just settle down and be content with homework duty, cooking dinner, watching movies in the evenings, and going to bed at 10. I think a more 'in-line' suggestion for my personality is to get a hobby. So I've picked something I've always loved, am very good at, and pumps you with adrenaline. I've started riding again. I was an avid dressage (English) horseback rider for a while before I met C. I took lessons for about 6 months and before that had done many many trail rides. I just went riding again for the first time in over 2 years on Monday. It was fantastic. Sunday I'm going again. I went with my brothers girlfriend because she owns 2 horses (lucky!) and she hit the head on the nail with this statement: "This, this right here, is my therapy." I almost cried. I need alone time, I need adrenaline. Problem solved :) C said if I can find a decently priced one, I can lease a horse! *yay* Okay, enough about moi.



The Kids

I've taken a big step back with 10K. He is refusing to go to therapy any more, and C refuses to make him. He got in biiiiiiig trouble not last week but the week before. He forged a teachers signiture then tried to lie his way out of it. He was grounded for a week. The longest we've ever ground him. C and I fought those last few days because C wanted to let him off and I reinforced that by letting him off you are just proving you don't mean what you say, and completely voids any punishment whatsoever. It was trying. I've stopped doing just about everything. I don't tell him what to do, and I can see it's getting to C. Example: Usually when its time for 10K to get in the shower, C says, "10K, get in the shower." Then goes away to sit on the balcony, in our room, to the store, wherever. Leaving me to do the, GET IN THE SHOWER NOOOOW! part after 10 minutes go by and he's still just dawdling. So, instead I opted out. C said, "Get in the shower 10K." Then C went on the balcony. 10K played with a ball. C came back in, "Get in the shower. Now." 10K played with the cat. C came back in, "I SAID NOW!" 10K plays with the ball and the cat. (20 minutes has gone by now.) 10K pokes his head out the sliding glass door and says, "You want me to get in the shower now?" And C says "No. Now it's too late. Get in bed!" and 10K responds with, "NOOOO I want to take a shower! I'm getting in the shower!" I'm humming to myself and playing solitaire. I'm tired of arguing, fighting the rudeness...it's so lame. Can't 6 months be here now so I can be getting pregnant and not have the time or energy to waste on fighting with him? I can't wait to have my own baby. Hope everyone has a good day!

Release

Okay so I have been busy writing. Unfortunately none of that has been on here. I have been journaling stuff that is a bit too private/angry to blast you poor unsuspecting souls. It's mostly boring blather anyways. This, is much more interesting.

Next week C and I have been joined at the hip for 2 years. 2 years of trials and tribulations. It's been a really tough road. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on where we were 2 years ago, verses where we are now and it is amazing the changes God has led us through. 2 years ago I was a depressed alcoholic who used men for 2 things, money and sex. C was addicted to meth and in a gang. We were a perfect match in a Bonnie and Clyde sort of way. We were both bent on our paths of self-destruction. Both of us had written off God, thinking: "if he exists, he sure as hell doesn't care about me". We went on one camping trip together after months of late night hook-up's. After that trip our worlds revolved around one thing, each other. We did everything together. We didn't care who we hurt with our selfish desire to be together. We didn't care that we were both on our own downward plummet to rock bottom. It was intense. We fought with our parents, we fought with our friends. It was truly Romeo and Juliet (the screwed up version). No one thought we should be together. After only being together for 2 months we decided to leave everyone behind and move away. We moved 2 hours north of everyone. Now it was time to face real problems, like we didn't have money, and I was only working 10 hours a week. We made it into a fantasy because we had a big beautiful house we couldn't pay for and never once spoke about our money problems. We didn't talk about anything. After a month and a half, I started getting calls from the land lord. C said he paid, she said no way. I had to choose a side and I chose hers. Things blew up. We tore each other down to the core. We screamed for hours about the things that had been bothering us like I found his meth pipe and knew for sure he was using, and he knew I was spending my time talking to and seeing guys that were supposed to be my past. I packed my truck and left the next day. I moved back in with my parents, who like the prodigal son, were just happy to have me home safe. We didn't talk about it. (It's my families motto, don't talk about it and maybe it will go away) I had done horrible things to my family, like scream at my mom, let C scream at my mom, I even moved out when my mom wasn't home and didn't even say good bye. I wanted to be rid of the pain I suffered. Technically we were broken up, but we still saw each other. I was seeing ex boyfriends to try and take the edge off, reverting to old habits. I had a scare. I told C I was pregnant and he went crazy. He didn't care, he wanted me anyways, but I had to do it. I called the cops and he spent 2 nights in jail. I had to try and leave him because I thought I was pregnant with my ex's child. After that I laid in bed for days and was sick. I was heart sick. It turned out I wasn't pregnant, or lost the baby, I'll never know. It felt like half of me had been ripped away and it took everything left in me to hold myself together. I thought constantly of suicide. For two weeks I suffered, in my head it felt like 2 years. Torn between what was "the right thing to do" (never ever speak to C again) or call him. It was 2 am, mid/late July sometime, and I was awake as I had been the past 2 weeks. I was crying and just wanted to hear his voice so I called. I said nothing. He said, "Baby is that you? Please tell me its you" And I cried. My soul tore. I cried yes over and over again. He said, come outside. I said what? He told me out of nowhere he woke up and just knew he had to walk to my house. I ran to him. I told him I wasn't pregnant. We sat and talked until the sun came up. We still had that connection. Now to rebuild what had been so badly broken. For a few weeks we saw each other and told no one. I pretended I was seeing another guy to my parents. I didn't tell my friends, because they all hated him. Finally I broke down and told my best friend and she supported me. She wanted above all for me to be happy. She put it great, "K always follows my advice, and this one time she didn't. That shows me just how much she wants this, and I want her to be happy." C quit meth. I swore I would never see another man as long as I live. We told a few close friends. On August 20th, 2007 C asked me to marry him. I said yes. We had a small party with friends. It was a start. Now for my parents. There are no words to describe the loathing they felt for him. I couldn't tell them I was engaged to a man they would rather kill than ever see me with, so I hid it. C and I started building a relationship with his parents, and his kids. We heard about the pastor at the church we now go to and started going. We let God come back into our lives. Finally after 5 months of hiding and pretending I finally sat my parents down and told them. They flipped. They said they never wanted to see him. They wouldn't come to the wedding. They never wanted to see the kids. I said I understood, but it was my life and I was going to do it anyway. It ripped me apart inside. I love my parents and my brother and sister. I wanted them to be part of my life. I prayed and prayed to this God that my pastor said loved me. I prayed for him to heal these wounds. C wrote my parents a letter begging forgiveness. Slowly the ice started to thaw. March led us into a dinner with my parents. By April my mom could talk to him and actually smile. By May we were talking wedding plans. On July 19th, 2008, my Dad walked my down the aisle and handed me to my future husband. Now, 8 months later, we are in a place I never thought we would be. My dad and C hang out and drink beer together while laughing and talk about fishing. My mom gives him hugs. My parents love his kids, the kids call them Nana and Papa. My mom is (already) buying baby shower stuff. (She likes to get a head start on that type of thing) We go to church just about every Sunday. Gang life, drugs and deception is behind us. We live a modest life, in a nice community. If you weren't there for the story you would never believe it. After all, who was Romeo and Juliet, but us?

Child Support and OSC

Sooo, I took everyone's advice and logged onto ezlegalfile.com OMG was that ever easy!! Not to mention I totally didn't need to go to the court house since it printed everything out for me. Easy-Breezy-Rice-and-Cheesey :) Now I have to turn them into the court then serve her. Peachy-F'N-Keen. :)

Now, the child support craziness. Our case is officially open, and her's is being offically audited! Ha Ha Ha Ha it makes the laughter just well up inside me. I was two-hundred-and-ten percent honest on our paper work. If there is one thing I know, it's don't lie to the people who are trying to help you/get you free money. So C got a call on Friday saying the case is open, she's going to get served and we are going to be getting money ASAP. Awesome. Our case was opened in one month! That's pretty good for California. She, on the other hand, filed back in November. She, is not getting money, we have not been served, there is no court date, and you want to know why? She LIED. She told them she made way less than she does and her work reported her and now she has to come up with all her pay stubs to prove she didn't lie! But she did! Talk about screwed. Seriously, how smart do you have to be to know you don't lie to the government? You just don't do it. Greed. The money-grubbing....I could go on but I won't. Puh-thet-ic.

Good News- our next weekend with the demon trio is going to be easy! Demon 1 and 2 (aka 10K and 9K) are going away to winter camp! It will just be Demon 3 all weekend! How relaxing. I don't think I've ever called them the Demon's on here before, but I do it all the time when we have the kids. Context: "You get Demon 1 and 2 and I'll go see what Demon 3 is doing." :)

Thank you everyone for the advise, I followed all of it!!!! :D

Love Love and more Love,
K

Court-part 1 of who knows how many

So we picked up the packet called "Order to Show Cause" hence fourth known as OSC. By we, I mean I went to the court house at 8 am, stood in line to talk to a "Family Law Facilitator" (aka FLF) What do they tell me? At 8 am? Already full for the day! I guess people (aka illegals with 43,000 screaming babies) get there at 4 am to wait in this line to speak to a FLF. I see one of these coveted FLF's walking, slinking more like it, through a side door. I grab her arm. Now, I'm thinking, Great. I'm probably going to get arrested for assault because I just want to ask a simple question. She looks down at me with a glare mingled with pity. (Remember people I'm 5 foot one) I sounded like the little boy in The Christmas Story. This is what came out of my mouth, "I'm-so-sorry-for-grabbing-you-but-I-just-need-to-know-what-I-need-to-file-for-change-of-custody!" For a moment I thought she was going to scream for security or wrench her arm from my pleading grasp and slip through her side door, but instead she must have seen the Earnest need in my eyes because she blessed me with the words, "OSC packet. Down the hall. Family Services." I dropped my hand from her arm and smiled. She didn't smile back.

I am now the proud owner of an OSC packet that is sitting on my dining room table gloating because I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing, and I'm not going to the court at 4 am. So, basically I understand we are asking for, or more pointedly, C is asking for, a court date to discuss 10K and how we never officially filed for custody of him. In the court paperwork it still says that She has full physical and legal custody which could end badly for us if she gets it in her mind to take him back. I am the one doing the legal circus act filling out 28 pages of paperwork for child support. C sucks at paperwork. Organization and detail are my strong points. So basically we will go to court and say,"Look, it's been this way for over a year, we just want the papers to reflect that, la de da" and he will say okay and stamp it...or do whatever it is Judge's do. Right? If anyone has done this *cough*Stephanie*cough* please let me know if there is anything I should add in there, or exclude or whatever you think. OMG and I forgot the best part!! I get to serve her the papers. hahahahaha that's going to be fun. I'm going to be like the guy in Pineapple Express (great movie). "You've been served!!"

I hope everyone is doing well...I'm ready for my 4 day weekend now. :)